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Hi. I a mom to DD6.5 who is HG and DD 3 who I suspect is HG+.
About 6 weeks ago DD3 was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. She honestly has been amazing and has taken it all in stride. The rest of our family however is falling apart. DD6 is very sensitive. She was very moody and anxious around start of school this year and last year but mellows out after that. Discipline has always been hard or at least since she became more difficult a few years ago. Most of the time she behaves well but when she doesn't, it is very hard to find some way to handle it that doesn't make it worse. Since DD3 was diagnosed, DD6 is having major problems. At first she expressed alot of fear and mostly fear that something like this could happen to her. She went through a phase where she wanted to learn all about diabetes. Now she almost seems to enjoy pointing out that her sister needs to check her sugar or can't have a snack at that particular moment or can't have candy or whatever (though we rarely eat sweets regardless and DD3 can have sweets sometimes). But her behavior has become unbearable. She is constantly whining and crying over absolutely nothing. She immediately says "NO" to anything you ask her. If you scold her in any way she complains we hurt her feelings or that we don't love her.

Lately she has gotten so pathetic that she pretends that she is hurt. She generally has been told to go do something or to go to her room and she starts crying and then falls to the floor and starts crying "owie, owie, I'm hurt and you don't even care etc etc" She may barely bump a chair for example or sometimes nothing at all. She is already a bit clumsy and prone to bumping into things and playing it up for sympathy but this isn't even that since we see her and she is not bumping into things on accident. It is either imaginary or on purpose.

She picks fights with her sister and is starting to get more physical(pushing or sort of pinching )which is not at all like her. Yes she has gone through phrases with big nightmare tantrums before (esp during tension times like before school started in aug) but this is beyond ridiculous. We work hard to try to give her attention when she is being good and I don't feel like DD3 is getting alot of extra attention but of course there is some and sometimes she has to be attended to immediately. I am at a loss. We are all on edge and this making a very stressful time even harder. I'm not sure what anyone could possibly suggest for this but I am open to any ideas.

Oh gosh, I wish I could send you a big hug through the internet - you have a lot of stress going on at the moment!

FWIW, the first thing I thought as I was reading through this was that a lot of the behavior issues are most likely a combination of attention going to the younger sister (and necessarily so) as well as not understanding what's going on and worries for herself. I've also been told (when my kids were younger) that the ages around 6-7 are a time when children start to see themselves as independently functioning people separate from their parents etc for the first time in their lives, so it's a time when behavior can become an issue for that reason in and of itself.

I am sorry I don't have any really good advice, other than try to set aside time for your dd that is 100% hers with you and your dh, and also to keep things as close to your usual schedule as you can (if it's been a bit out of order lately due to drs appointments etc). It doesn't have to be a huge amount of time devoted to dd as much as making sure she has little bits and pieces of her-only time with you during the day, like perhaps giving her a big-girl assignment to do like help make dinner or fold clothes etc, or read a book together, whatever kind of small thing around the house she enjoys.

Our middle dd had some relatively restrictive medical issues going on when my older ds was around 5-6, and the one thing I didn't do at first (that I wish I had done in hindsight) was to talk to him about how he felt about it. DS doesn't show anxiety etc through behavior issues, he just holds it all inside... and although he wasn't worried about his sister, he had did develop a few rather far-fetched ideas about how her illness and restrictions were impacting the rest of the family (he didn't realize I would have been doing the same things anyway no matter what lol!). But the thing is, it was causing him anxiety and I didn't know it, but he most likely would have talked to me about it if I'd known to ask. You've probably already asked, but if not, it wouldn't hurt to sit down and just ask simple things about how your older dd may be feeling.

Best wishes,

polarbear

My DS7 suddenly comes up with an injury if he needs to go to time out or do something he doesn't want to do. It's a diversion tactic. He will scream at me that "I should be nicer to someone who is hurt!"

He also used to to throw tantrums that escalated into complete meltdowns when he was younger (he still does this sometimes). He also is telling me outright "no" if he doesn't want to do something.

I believe that DS suffers from some mild anxiety that contributes to the upsets. It sounds like your younger daughter's diagnosis has caused some fears for your eldest. She may also note that the youngest is receiving a bit of attention because of the diabetes.

My suggestions are not original- the only thing I can say for sure, is that my son is highly attuned to our reactions. He will eventually calm down, if I maintain an even tone. I would ignore the crying/whining. If she won't go to her room, I wouldn't force it. I've found that it escalates the situation, and I don't want DS to resort to hitting or running from me at age 7. Instead, I offer the choice between a lost privilege and a time out. He has 10 seconds to make the choice, then I remove the privilege.

If this doesn't calm down in a few months, you might have your daughter talk with someone. It sounds like anxiety and some related defiance.

Sounds like a difficult time coveln. FWIW, 6 can be a pretty defiant age. I remember wondering what kind of monster my dd had turned into at that age. I went to the library and checked out Your Six Year Old by Ames. The rest of the title is "Loving and Defiant". Reading the book calmed me down and helped us both get through that stage. Also, having grown up diabetic (diagnosed at 5yo), I know that my brother and sister both felt that I got a lot of attention. Not that I wanted it, but it has to be there with such a young diabetic and with all of you getting used to the situation. I agree with the advice to ask you dd6.5 how she is feeling. Sometimes blood testing and syringes can be more scary to the person who is watching that the person who is being poked. Good luck.

I love that I do not have the only child who cries ouch when they want attention. It is incredibly hard not to respond to her when she is crying and saying that she is hurt (when I know it is minimal or nonexistent). I am sure that in her mind she is hurt and so it kills me to have her feel like I don't care that she is hurt. That seems to just fuel her feeling that we don't care and yet I don't want to encourage this behavior. It doesn't help that DH thinks alot of this is my fault because I tend to get sucked in to her negotiation/manipulation/arguments. Not so much when she is being really obnoxious but more in the little decisions or instructions throughout the day so that she feels she can argue everything we say.

And thanks polar bear for the cyber hug. Yes the stress is over the top for us all with no end in sight.

Wrt negotiation/manipulation my DW gets sucked in too. I never waver and overtime DD has come to accept this with me but will pull stunts with my DW that she would never try with me.

Even as a baby I could see my DD taking everything in like an alien and 'computing all the angles and vectors'. She has the memory of an elephant and is as relentless as a boa constrictor once she 'locks on'.

I love her dearly and it hurts inside sometimes but that's parenting and boundaries need to be set. She can talk her way out/ change my mind with a logical argument but tantrums/crying/meltdowns never sway me because I understand my DD because in a lot of ways she is my mini Me.

Bingo. This is our household to a tee-- with reversed genders in the parents, I mean. DD does this to her dad, but I'm wise to her.

One thing stands out to me here:


WHOAH.

Okay, unless one of you as parents has firsthand experience with T1D, this is a MONUMENTAL change, and while it sounds like you are coping quite well, this is a life event which is pretty much an 8.0 on the Richter scale.

Let me add to that-- 6 is little. HG or not, they are still little there.

Emotionally fragile/volatile is completely expected, I'd say. For all of you. If you aren't freaking out-- or are doing it on the sly, your older DD may be worried that you aren't taking it seriously enough... or that she's feeling irrational for feeling the way that SHE does... and if you ARE freaking out around her, well, that has its own price.

Huge {hugs} for your family. I've lived with T1D in a family member, and it's scary, scary, scary. That first year is just a haze of painful adjustment, from what I've seen in other families. It was certainly true for us when my DD was diagnosed as a toddler-- we were NOT on our A game, parenting wise, for a very long time. Probably not until she was about 3, and she was diagnosed at 11mo.

Now-- I mention that because I think that an expectation that, just 6 weeks into things, your family will have a good handle on managing your feelings and anxiety... sorry, but that probably isn't going to happen so quickly. For any of you.

Not because you aren't trying, but because after something like this, it continues to kind of... unfold in all of its dubious majesty for a while... like ripples reaching the edge of a pool. The hits just keep coming for about a year, as you realize that "Oh yeah, THAT is different now, too," and adjust your lifestyle.

Here's what I would try.

If your DD tries an exploitative behavior, calmly investigate her claim of injury, and then have her "rest" alone. I used to do this with DD at this age for behavioral meltdowns of any cause. I'd send her to her room, or have her "just sit" for a while. Often she'd fall asleep, having worn herself out!! This way, there was no power struggle, she "won" nothing, and life went on without her having made much of an impact.

You are doing the best you can during this stressful situation. What helped me with my DS3 is re-framing the situation and view of the child's intentions in a more positive, empathetic light as a problem to solve together instead of as manipulation and bad behavior. The former deepens your bond and is calming to your child, and the latter just makes both parties angrier and more frustrated.

It sounds like DD6.5 fears and anxieties are so INFLAMED by DD3's diagnosis that a pinprick really does feel like a punch right now. Accepting that all her hurts are real to her may greatly change the dynamic. Of course, you will still discipline her by instructing her on acceptable behavior, but removing the parent's negative emotional reaction from the moment, verbal or non-verbal, is the challenge.

Help her develop coping skills and regain control over fears that are very valid to her by building mutually agreed upon positive strategies for regulating her emotions. One example is the book, "How Does Your Engine Run? A Leader's Guide to the Alert Program for Self-Regulation" Shellenberger, S. Although written for children with sensory dysfunctions, I think the toolkit can be modified to fit other situations. For example, when she hurts herself, she may be seeking attention or affection, so include positive, alternative options for seeking attention in her tool-kit. Another excellent book for developing collaborative problem-solving strategies is "The Explosive Child" Greene, R.

Give her recognition for the positive strategies she has already tried - learning about diabetes and helping her sister with healthy eating habits.

A quick tip that works for me is I tell my son that I'll talk about it when he's calm. He know he's heard, but I won't engage with him on the topic until the meltdown is over.

Right now all your emotional resources must feel stretched to the limit. I wish you all the best.

Cuddles and ice packs work just as well for imaginary hurts as real ones. And do you have access to other people who have children with t1 diabetes.

With everything I posted above said, we are not dealing with a recent diagnosis of a severe medical condition too.

So I do not want come across as trivializing the seriousness of your home situation. My mother died of an aneurism caused by complications around her Type1 diabetes 2 weeks after my third birthday so I do appreciate the criticality of this.

Management of the condition is far better now than it was then but even still I cannot fully comprehend what you and your family are dealing with.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way...