Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy One Anxious Mommo!

Hi! I am happy for find this forum!

My daughter is 2.5 and thought he ped mentioned her developed being well ahead of her peers at her 12 months check up, it just now getting to point where as a parent I am feeling quite isolated and anxious about it all.

She's had phonetic awareness for months, can read, has exceptional attention span (if she is interested, she will attend for more than an hour), slightly obsessed with outer space and maps, counts to 30, can write most of her upper and lower case letters about one 1/2 an inch to an inch in size, memorizes her books in within 2-3 readings, and what looks the craziest to me is her detailed drawing. She's been drawing figures of people and animals for a year now. Her people have glasses, eye brows, fingers and toes, etc. She enjoys drawing scenes of fish being chased by sharks, cats sitting in trees. They look a lot like her 5.5 year old cousin's drawings. She learned about the potty in one day after I just told her she could use it instead of diapers (20 months old) - even for naps and night time.

Luckily she is also the happiest and sweetest kid. I'm seriously lucky.

But, I'm increasingly anxious. The friends of her playmates are noticing something is different. They think I'm at home drilling her, and tell me she needs more "play." I don't know how to tell them what she's been up to without sounding like "that mom." I can't say "oh my daughter is advanced that I'm afraid" to other people -- what a problem to have, right?

He's amazing with her. She wants to be with older kids, but they call her a baby. Family members ask her to do things (read, write, spell, whatever) like it is a party trick. She's also showing some perfectionist before that worries me. I encourage mess and experimentation.

I'm generally just looking for a little confirmation that I'm not crazy - I want her to be happy and enjoy all of her areas of interest as much as she wants. I'd just like to know how to interact with other parents without feeling like I have to play down my girl's interest and ability -- it seems so unfair and I never want her to think her gifts aren't worth celebrating.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to learning form your experiences!

Jessica

Welcome!

You may enjoy the book [u]A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children[/u]. This book has helped many parents stay one step ahead, rather than researching/responding/reacting after something predictable has occurred.

This may help keep that sweetness in your child... as the journey can be quite rough in places. A prepared parent may be best able to navigate the difficulties.

Welcome!

Yes, sometimes it can feel like you're living in an alternate universe when you have such an asynchronous child. Here you will find many others with similar experiences. Hopefully, joining this community will help with the isolation and anxiety.

Other people, whether strangers or family, will react in various ways that you may want to prepare a few stock responses. Your child will learn self-acceptance from hearing how you respond and later on self-advocacy from what you model. I've had several people physically recoil and look shocked when they notice my son reading in public. I kept my response brief and even toned - something along the lines of the comment, "Yes, he loves books" and I move on to the next topic. It has never gone farther than that in terms of negativity.

With family you can choose a light touch or have a direct conversation regarding the "party tricks" aspect. They're probably proud of her and amazed, but not aware of the potential negative ramifications. Perhaps, "I know you are all so proud of _______, but now it's time for her to _______".

The friend's comments seem to be more negative. That will probably require a separate conversation framing the issue in a way they can relate to such as that when they point out your child's differences and infer that you're doing something wrong, that it is negatively impacting your friendship.
Let them know about the differences in developmental continuums (perhaps a brief example of where your daughter is below and above) and that you don't want any more conversations turning into a comparison of the differences in your children. This conversation can lay the groundwork and establish boundaries for what is sure to be an on-going issue as your child grows older.

When my DS3 first turned 3, he came home from his first week of drop-off classes and sadly remarked that none of the other children shared his interests. Some children, depending on their intensity of interests, awareness and development, may realize quite early that they're different. I've worked with my son on how to join in play with others even when their interests don't intersect. Prepare now for finding bridging activities that allow your child to experience some positive relationships with other children.

One last thing...perhaps the hardest part. Learn to embrace being "that mom". This is your new role with different rewards and challenges, and it's going to be a long, long road perhaps with different people then who you started with who fully accept and embrace you and your family with all your differences.

Resources that helped me:
http://www.amazon.com/Exceptionally-Gifted-Children-Miraca-Gross/dp/0415314917
http://www.sengifted.org/archives/a...t-gifted-children-look-for-in-friendship
http://www.amazon.com/Cradles-Eminence-Childhoods-Famous-Women/dp/0910707561
http://www.amazon.com/Levels-Gifted-School-Educational-Options/dp/0910707987
http://www.amazon.com/A-Parents-Guide-Gifted-Children/dp/0910707790
http://www.sengifted.org/
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/

Great bit of advice here! Acknowledge and move right along. Parents may become masters of the gracious segue. Accepting input as a compliment and then addressing the weather, a top news story (positive in nature), a compliment to the parent or their child, are all great ways to deflect.

Your daughter sounds wonderful! Enjoy her! We have also got a kid with some very serious drawing ability. When other kids his age were scribbling and barely drawing circles, he was drawing people with shoelaces, eyebrows, fingers, detailed animals etc. When he entered preschool around his 4th b-day, some upper class teachers commented that he was drawing better than some third graders (unfortunately, he eventually did end up drawing much below his ability during school hours, presumably to fit in?). Luckily, we haven't had many negative comments, as he does fit right in on the playground etc., and his primary languages are not English (so people largely don't understand what he says:) ). But yeah, I do suppose we largely hide his talents and interests, except amongst family. No advice there...

Our children sound eerily alike. DS2.25 has been unusually advanced like your DD (though not so much in the written/artistic department), and in a socially obvious way, for most of his life. Being at a similar age and stage to you on this journey, I can't elucidate what the path looks like going forward for children like ours, but I can offer a few points from our experience.

1. Your brief description of the paediatrician sounds like he's sympathetic, maybe even informed about giftedness. That's wonderful; keep him apprised of your DD's development and needs. We're blessed with a paed who is reasonably knowledgeable about (but more importantly, open and sensitive to) gifted needs. At DS' 18 month well-child visit, she was talking about staging multiple grade skips and the ages where the socio-emotional impact is most favourable. Not what I expected to hear, but it was nice to be able to walk into an appointment, speak candidly and be taken seriously, and get thoughtful feedback from a knowledgeable professional.

2. I think EmeraldCity's comment about embracing the "that mom" identity is spot on. No matter what you say or do, some insecure person is going to try to take it out on your DD. People can be so cruel when their self-concept is threatened, and some other parents I've seen seem to get warped enmeshing their identity with their child's development. It's ultimately about choosing allegiance to your DD over others. We need to care more about how our children see us engaging with them, because their development is what ultimately counts for our families.

3. As to navigating comments gracefully, the best advice I have at this age is to project confidence and respond to every reaction when your DD is around as if it were positive or complimentary. Most people, even when feeling threatened, aren't rude enough to shoot down someone who believes strongly in their child. The perceptive ones might even learn from your lead. ETA: There may be a need to switch gears once our children are in school, but I find this works well for now.

4. On the other end of the spectrum-- the hyperbole/freak show fascination-- I think the key is to ensure that most of the people your DD is surrounded by know to take her development in stride.

I remember flushing with admiration at my friend at a Thanksgving party who took DS' (then not quite 2) initiating a conversation with him about gravity as completely normal. He just sat back and said, "That's interesting. Now, do you think everything is affected the same way by gravity?..." And they proceeded to talk about the effect of gravity on objects with different masses. Meanwhile, I grabbed a glass of wine.

Talk a lot about effort, persistence, and process at home, and gently ask those closest to your family to do the same. In our house, knowing a fact receives about 5% of the attention and praise as does muddling through a difficult task independently or coming up with a creative solution. Again, I think this is a case of stacking the odds in your favour by ensuring your DD hears the messages you want her to hear so that discordant outside voices are diluted.

With your family, I would gently broach the subject of letting your DD just "be". She's not a circus act, and it's disrespectful to her to expect her to perform on cue. Encourage people to play with her rather than spectating-- the sillier, the better, IMO. I understand perfectionism crops up early, and if she's already showing warning signs, I'd do an inventory of her day to understand where messaging could be changed. It's a difficult balance, and this is something I struggle with in managing my own parents' admiration for their grandson.

5. I also vouch for the Miraca Gross and Deb Ruf books.

Hope these thoughts help. Please don't be a stranger around here, and do feel free to PM me if ever you want a sympathetic ear going through the same stage.

I read both Ellen Winner and Miraca Gross when my DD was about 3-4yo. Both made me cry with relief-- and just a touch of fear. The moment of intense recognition was an epiphany.


It was quite some time before I learned to just parent the child that I have in front of me, and ignore all of the competing voices telling me what I "should" be doing instead.

Welcome.

I think I am beginning to accept that parenting a child whose cognitive development is accelerated can be a lonely process. I am fortunate that I have a couple of friends whose gifted children are much older so they can share their experiences but still, I was getting quite anxious right around when DD was 2.5 and that is when I found this forum.

When well-meaning friends have told me I need to let DD play instead of doing educational activities, I felt really misunderstood but I didn't want to explain because no matter how I had put it, I would have come across as saying that DD is so out there that at age 2, she did not need instructions to learn 2nd grade materials. So I kept quiet but DD didn't. It wasn't as if I could keep her mute in public so slowly, lecturing has stopped.

Now at 3.5, she is much more into play than in the past. I think she was driven to acquire basic literacy and math competency because she could see that those were important life skills. Now, on surface, she seems like a "normal" 3 year old girl who happens to have mad LEGO building skills and loves using big words.

DD has been doing ballet for a year in a class meant for older children. Thankfully(?), she is not a very good ballet dancer. She is learning humility and getting used to being an "average" student in that context. She seems to be a talented musician but she actually needs instruction and practice to progress; she has cried a few times out of frustration but she is determined to succeed. Both her father and I are quite proud of her for accepting that not everything in life is going to come to her without effort.

I am still concerned and do worry about our educational options and her socialization opportunities but I am less anxious these days and the support I found on this forum is largely responsible for that. I too hope you stick around.

I agree with what others have said. My son is 3.25 and one major development that has happened here over the past six months is an out and out rejection from him to do anything he sees as performing for strangers. We have never asked him to perform for anyone ever. There have just been a few too many times strangers have overheard us and commented, mostly positive but with a few hushed tones that indicated it was far far out of the norm. My child can read people very well and has perhaps too much empathy, so for him these limited interactions have been really hard. He has never been one to show off, but the past 6 months he has really been careful not to stand out unless he is in an environment he feels... safe, for lack of a better word. When he does feel safe, he is the happiest and sweetest child who really just overflows with enthusiasm for life and learning. Really a joy.

An example off the top of my head - we had a few well intentioned strangers give us a reaction that his behavior was freakish when they overheard him comment on the floor number in a high rise and that it was higher than another floor. Nothing he hadn't been doing for a year. We smiled at the time and took it in stride commenting on his love of numbers, but now even months later he will tell strangers that he only knows how to count to ten. This is a child who unprompted counts well into the hundreds before he loses interest and is in a phase where he likes to talk about infinity on the toilet...

I will say you are entering a bit of a rough time where kids like ours stand out. Our kids don't want to be considered or be around babies (which to them might include age mates who don't speak clearly or talk about Papua New Guinea). Older kids don't necessarily want to hang out with them. Parents are in prime self-doubt/judgy stage...

My point in writing all this is to encourage you to avoid people who ask your child to perform, unless you have a child who loves to perform. The older your child gets, the more likely she is to notice she is different. If you can, try to find older playmates so that the kids have more in common. The subject matter interests might not be there, but your child will notice that older kids speak more clearly like she does and will not be (as) frustrated by the short attention span of age mates.

Definitely embrace being the mom of a very special child. In my experience, it is far better to save discussion related to parenting these special kids here, in a safe environment that is relatively anonymous with others who really understand than to talk to anyone in real life about it (except the spouse, of course). Other people just don't and won't get it. It will likely only make you both feel more alienated and lonely.

I may have made it sound like doom and gloom, but parenting these kids is a joy. I am honestly the happiest and most exhausted I have ever been. There are good days and bad days but you have found a group who will welcome you, laugh and cry with you, and best of all, not judge. Welcome. :-)

Also have to agree (as always) with HowlerKarma. I try hard to stick to the following...

Parent the child you have now, not the child you think you should have or wish you had.

I love my son dearly. Once I realized I needed to let go of everyone else's expectations and let go of the expectations I had not realized that I had, I felt much more comfortable in my own skin and I think my parenting improved. Not saying you have the same issues, but there is something freeing in taking parenting day by day, making sure you are really paying attention to the potentially asynchronous child you have at the time.