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    Joined: Sep 2011
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    ok I can't believe that my kid only goes to "school" three hours a week and the teacher is complaining about her behavior now!

    Yesterday, the teacher tells me Butter (8/3rd) is not always listening in class and often has to be asked several times to "get on the same page" with other students. After mulling this over all morning, I asked for specifics when I came back to pick her up...

    Coloring on her nails during science...asked to put down (or stop messing with) a pile of pencils, she put them down, but kept her fingers on them.

    I guess the second is closer to what I would call defiance, but the first surely is NOT...to me, defiance is temper tantrums, bothering other students, telling the teacher you REFUSE to do something, etc...these other things, to me, are signs of a bored child trying to occupy her mind...

    I'm sure they are NOT providing GT cirriculum...I will be booking a meeting with the school's GT coordinator (now that I have SEEN the school's GT plan and know who to go to)...we were already turned down for a grade skip (I was actually scoffed at and told the outside private testing meant nothing)...and the Developmental Behavior doctor even said Butter should be allowed to work at her own (accelerated) pace.

    People keep TELLING me that I need to teach Butter to just "deal with being bored" at times, but no one seems to have any REAL suggestions to make that happen. And honestly, there are only like 13 kids and they are there for 3 hours. How is there even an opportunity to be bored?

    She behaves beautifully for me, I could probably count on one hand the times she has really been willfully disobedient or defiant. Tactics that work at home won't be applied at school and I'm still confused about how exactly I am supposed to MAKE her "behave" when I am not even there?!?!

    Maybe the real problem is that these teachers expect some kind of blind obedience? How is coloring on one's fingernails "defiant"?

    Last edited by 2giftgirls; 02/28/12 03:27 PM.

    I get excited when the library lets me know my books are ready for pickup...
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    My immediate response would be that Butter IS learning how to deal with being bored, so please stop punishing her for it. Point out her past behaviors of true acting out in class and ask them to decide if they'd rather have that than fingernail art and pencil fiddling.

    My next immediate response would be that I'd already given them several suggestions that have been demonstrated to work effectively in the home environment that can be applied in school, so if they're not interested in constructive feedback, that's their problem, not mine.

    Yeah, tact is not my strong suit.

    It might be worth finding out if Butter is doing these things to help her concentrate and pay better attention. These kinds of behaviors can look like distractions, but by giving some part of the mind these distractions, it helps certain types of thinkers focus the other parts on what's going on. This is why ballplayers always have something in their mouths... tobacco, gum, sunflower seeds, etc. All my classmates in my military schools used sunflower seeds to stay awake and focused on some extraordinarily dry material. I've recently taken up doodling during business meetings to stay sharp.

    You'd have to observe her yourself to find out if these apparent distractions are a help or a hindrance, because it sounds like you can't really count on the staff to even bother, much less interpret correctly.

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    Ok, just to warn you, my reply will likely not bring any useful advice. But it might help with the crazy-making you're feeling right now.

    I spent years thinking if I reasoned enough, rationalized enough, pleaded enough, bargained and bribed enough, that my kids would FINALLY "get it" and just settle into the mundane of school.

    They didn't.

    Not a single year went by for any of my kids (except for last year with my youngest) that I didn't receive emails, calls, appointments for conferences, etc. to point out how my kid was not paying attention in class. Of COURSE they're not paying attention in class; they're bored. The drawing on the nails was mild. My daughter drew massive graffiti designs all over her legs and arms with Sharpies. My older son zoned out. And my youngest draws stick figure scenes (absolutely hilarious ones) and fashions working cannons with cannon balls from paper clips.

    I am currently dealing with a science teacher who is very annoyed with my youngest, because she says he spaces out when the other kids are reading from the book in class. I tried to explain that the reason he spaced out is because he got caught up on a specific theory mentioned in the text about fault lines and how the continents were formed. He was mulling the theory over in his mind, because in his opinion it didn't take the forces of water in the ocean into account. He was trying to figure out in his mind whether his hunch was correct or whether he was missing information. Why do I know this? Because it has been an ongoing topic of conversation at dinner for a week between him and his dad who is helping him explore his own theory rather than just debunk it. The teacher wasn't impressed and said he just needs to know how to put those things off until after class.

    Sure.

    I've decided my job as a mom of a gifted kid is to serve as a buffer between the often ridiculous expectations of the school and the often not appropriate behaviors of my kids.

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    I have always found it difficult to determine when my children are actually misbehaving, and when they are being gifted.

    For example, my dd9 is in a children's choir. She loves to perform, but really doesn't like rehearsals. They are boring and repetitive to her. To learn a difficult piece and multiple harmonies, you have to go over and over it. She dislikes the repetitive nature of it, but it is necessary if you want to be good. In that situation, I expect her to get over it that she's bored, pay attention and behave. She does not have to be entertained every second.


    On the other hand, I have seen the problems that an inappopriate educational placement can cause. In the classroom, our kids should not be made to sit through content that they learned long ago, or that is well beneath their abilities. This brings to mind writing spelling words over and over, and doing pages and pages of math facts that were memorized months before. In that situation, it was not my DD's fault that she was misbehaving. I think I might have misbehaved too!

    So, I think you need to try to tease out what the real issue is. What are they having her do during the day? Is it things she's already learned, or is she just not interested? If you do partial homeschooling anyway, if the program isn't good it probably isn't worth her time.

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    Originally Posted by 2giftgirls
    Coloring on her nails during science...asked to put down (or stop messing with) a pile of pencils, she put them down, but kept her fingers on them.

    My ds8 did something similar a few times, but the teachers never said a word to him, as far as I know. He got into the habit of coloring all over his laminated name plate on his desk with markers, then wiping it off with his hands. Then coming home with really colorful hands. He also colored on his shoes and pants at various times. He said he did it when he was done with his work, and waiting for the other kids to be done. I told him to stop - and find something more constructive to do with his time LOL. He hasn't done it recently - I must remember to ask what he IS doing instead ! smile

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    Originally Posted by master of none
    If she were my child (and my child is very similar), I'd work with her to get her to behave. I know it's not easy, but it's a question of respect for the teacher and class and setting aside her own wants and needs to comply with the class. Many will disagree with me, but I believe if a child CAN comply and it's something reasonable (not evil,not degrading, etc), they should do it. That's an important skill to learn IMO and if she can learn it she should.

    I don't know how many times I've said, "It doesn't matter if you have an excuse for not obeying, you either obey or you talk to me about it. You don't just decide you know best and do as you please." But it pays off in a child who knows how to advocate for herself and is able to function in a classroom.

    I guess part of the problem is that I don't see doodling, spacing out or coloring on one's nails as "misbehavior"...that's part of what I am still trying to figure out...to me, these are coping mechanisms for the boredom. She's not bothering anyone else, talking to others, etc. We complete work on time (if not early) and she does great on tests, so I guess I"m mostly confused as to what the real problem here is.

    If the problem is, like the previous teacher said "Your daughter reading while other students are doing xyz compromises my authority in the classroom," I'm concerned that the teacher's focus is not teaching, but maintaining authority...

    I DESPERATELY want her to "behave" but she's not bothering anyone else and she is only 8. Surely ALL the kids don't sit there like little stones and stare at the teacher all the time? lol!


    I get excited when the library lets me know my books are ready for pickup...
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    Originally Posted by ABQMom
    I've decided my job as a mom of a gifted kid is to serve as a buffer between the often ridiculous expectations of the school and the often not appropriate behaviors of my kids.

    Yeah, see, that is where I am too...she's not always what I guess they deem appropriate. But she IS also gifted and quirky and unlike most of the others. And outside of school, she's a dream, really. Most people can't believe the problems we are having...

    I'm going to keep her out of the classroom day for a couple of weeks and try to get some meetings at school and figure this all out...It's pretty obvious to me that she IS bored out of her little gourd. We don't have to go to that classroom day...


    I get excited when the library lets me know my books are ready for pickup...
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    Originally Posted by master of none
    If she were my child (and my child is very similar), I'd work with her to get her to behave. I know it's not easy, but it's a question of respect for the teacher and class and setting aside her own wants and needs to comply with the class. Many will disagree with me, but I believe if a child CAN comply and it's something reasonable (not evil,not degrading, etc), they should do it. That's an important skill to learn IMO and if she can learn it she should.

    I agree. 2giftgirls, this is the second set of teachers (in addition to the scout leaders) who have identified issues in group settings for your DD, right? I'd start to take seriously that this is something to work on.

    Minority opinion: nearly all real-world settings have some boring stuff. Most jobs require paying attention to boring as well as interesting stuff. (If there is a job somewhere that is 100% interesting, no paperwork, no scutwork, I'd love to know what it is.) Part of growing up is learning to deal with the gotta-dos so you can get to the wanna-dos when they are available.

    Looking attentive is itself a skill; valuable, for instance, in workplace meetings. And important, as MON said, for showing respect to the speaker. Your DD seems not to understand the expectations of the classroom setting: one is supposed to pay attention and look like one is paying attention. That is very hard for some kids, but worth learning to do.

    My DS9 has serious compliance issues arising from his AS. We are gradually teaching him to get on board with the group; the newest task is that even if he knows 90% of the material, he should still be listening and learning the 10% he doesn't know. It has required serious classroom support to get him here, but I anticipate that he will master this skill, and I believe it is a skill that will make him employable. I do not believe that this will wash out his creativity or dull his unusual interests; but it will help him know when to deploy them, and that's good.

    DeeDee

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    Originally Posted by 2giftgirls
    If the problem is, like the previous teacher said "Your daughter reading while other students are doing xyz compromises my authority in the classroom," I'm concerned that the teacher's focus is not teaching, but maintaining authority...

    It sounds like the teacher is the one with the problems here. It takes a pretty small person to see doodling as a threat.

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    I agree with DeeDee. My daughter has learned that there are rules set from different people and places. We have our own rules at home. We can take her anywhere and she understands that there are different expectations. Whether she agrees with them or not makes no difference.

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