Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Frustrated and don't know what to do

Hi all,

I'm new here and I don't know what to do or where else to turn. So please bare with me, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.

DD (5yo/highly gifted) started kindergarten this past September. She is the youngest kid in both kindergarten classes (June birthday). It is the custom out here for parents to red shirt their children. Most of the kids have already turned 6, a few are even about to turn 7. She got into a really good private school where most of the kids are in the high average to highly gifted range. The school is aware of her giftedness. Academically she is doing fine. She is very social and enjoys school and being around the other children. Also, she is an only child. From what I can tell, she has the emotional and psychomotor OE's. No indications of a LD when she took the WPPSI.

She is having behavior problems at school. Pouting/crying when things don't go her way or she feels treated unfairly; not listening and following directions the first time; roaming around the classroom; and gets frustrated/aggravated when other students try to show her how to do her school work correctly. She also, in an effort to hurry up and finish her work, will write sloppily when she can do much better.

She has been on a daily behavior report since October '11, in which she is to earn 2 sticker a day (am/pm). Now she can be a model student (2 stickers) for as long as 2 consecutive days and on the third day it all falls apart. It's as if she has a melt down for a day or 2 or 3. Then she goes back to being a model student for 2 days. She isn't consistent at all.

I'm at my wits end. I've tried everything: talking to her, time outs, consequences for her behavior, rewards for good behavior, punishment, etc.
Nothing has worked. At this rate I'm afraid she will get kicked out of school.

Hope this wasn't too long. Any suggestions for a desperate parent?

Hugs honey- sounds like she's trying and just has trouble holding it together by day 3.
I am wondering how busy her days are- what is her schedule like? Any chance she's overtired/OT at all? I am already concerned for my boy who will be 5 in august and starting full day kindergarten that he may be exhausted by the end of it.

Is she an only child? Mine is and he was totally overstimulated/OS the first year of prek- acted out. Our home is so sedate/quiet. We're in a rural/isolated community and he just wasn't used to being in a large class of kids running around! I think it took him a while to acclimate and just get used to the extra stim. Is the classroom calm/busy? Anything that could be setting her off that way?

I am bracing myself for an OT/OS mess for the first few mos of school. My LO is really doing well in year 2 of pre-k and he is SO ready for Kindergarten in many ways, but I still worry, because I'm a mom.

Any reason/indication to fear her being kicked out? Most schools and teachers do want to work with the child/family and problem solve.

Mine is 8 and having those problems still in 2nd grade, in fact I thought you were describing her at first! She is 6 years older than her only sibling, so she was an only too for almost all her life. She isn't really like this at home either.

I don't have much advice, other than that the clinical psychologist we took her to suggested counseling with a gifted specialist who could help her learn to deal with her emotions. She also needs to go for social coaching. I'm surprised that your school, with all it's gifted experience, isn't more aware of these kinds of behaviors in gifted children or offering you more help.

Thanks for your help speechie and kikiandkyle.

Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond, just really down over this.

DD is an only child. The teacher has been willing to work with her
but I think she's getting tired. DD hasn't been getting any better
either. I think we're at the end of our rope at this school. The kids
are really well behaved at this school and my daughter stands out.

Should have put her in yoga or karate to mello her out, but I didn't
know. I get the impression that most of the parents have done that
for some time. Even if I did that now, don't think it would help in
time enough for her to be able to stay at this school, Also, going to
get her counseling but I think I'm too late for that also with respect to
this school.

Ya know, you do all you can for your child and sometimes
it's still just isn't enough.

okay, so I totally relate to the frustration. My son is now 8 and in 3rd grade and similar behavioral issues started to escalate in 2nd grade but were present before. I am not totally unsure whether he doesn't have an LD with regard to writing or if that is just one of those common things that go hand in hand with some of these gifted kids. He does have a huge range of extreme and intense emotions that seem out of proportion to the situation but I am pretty sure that he just FEELS more deeply than most. Everything is very heightened. He definitely has all 5 overexcitabilities and 4 of them to a very high degree. No one that we have met with totally gets the total picture of this kid and I cannot keep throwing money at the situation for different types of testing. We switched him out of his public charter school after 2nd. He is doing really well in his current very cool progressive school where quirky kids and smart little book worms are the norm. However, we cannot even afford to stay there another year with the $30k pricetag so we are now forced to move AGAIN back to public....more researching schools for me. I am trying to decide if I should get him into a GATE program but most just do faux differentiation and not real GATE learning. On the flip side, I cannot tell if all his idiosyncracies and low self esteem with regard to writing warrant getting an IEP to address the writing, behavioral stuff and to get him OT or am I adding more stigma to him. He is getting older and will become more aware of what the IEP/special ed stuff means on top of the high ability. I am worried that I am either not going to get him what he needs or I am overdoing it with the IEP and am going to create a social nightmare for him.

I empathize with the frustration and could also use guidance. I have also noticed that some of his behavioral stuff has escalated since his little brother has grown out of babyhood and is a real person that wants to emulate and tag along with him....the sibling rivalry is too much for me at times. He was so used to being the center of attention as the firstborn not just for me but for the entire extended/close knit family and he was so remarkably smart from the get go that he was marveled at by the entire family. Now, for me, he is incredibly challenging and I want to just stay away from him rather than spend time working with him.

So confused!

Don't have real advice to offer but have some of the same concerns, my DS4 (June bday) is due to start K next year and we can't find anything yet that seems like a great fit. The ones with experience providing for the academic needs of kids entering with advanced skills are filled with nice bright kids who seem to genuinely enjoy following someone else's directions. Then there is a nearby public K where the teachers are relaxed with regard to emotional readiness (say as long as he seems to understand the subject they don't care about each individual worksheet), but that one has no kids entering reading, some don't even know colors, it's an option where the teachers just have better things to do than pay attention to a kid having a meltdown. Then there's various private options most with long commutes, and preschools that go up to K.

We went to a pyschologist, he described DS as wilful with a strong fantasy life, very ahead academically, going to have a hard time in school no matter where or when he goes. Emotionally not ready for a setting like you describe (which most "good" public K classes are these days). An only, wants to follow his own interests too much for a really structured setting, melts down pretty easily. Poor writing skills, which I had thought were abnormally below average, but testing shows to be smack dab in the middle of average for his age (just out of synch with the rest of him).

Psychologist's opinion was to focus on his overall happiness, at least for the next year or two. Where will he be the most happy, not what looks on the surface to be appropriate.

Given that I am leaning towards keeping him where he is, a play based montessori style preschool that goes up to K (but they barely have books available, although they read advanced stuff to the kids). He's really happy there right now, but how about in 6 months? Of course we would have to commit before even finding out if he gets in to anywhere else, and before finding out if there would be more than one or two other kids his age.

Just in looking at our fairly limited school options here it seems like there's just no way to make something a great fit when the kid is so uneven, and we have to just choose some aspect to make right for this one year.

Polly

well, sorry because all I have for you is a (((HUG))) and the advice that, it will take some trying, some reading and researching, but TRY SOMETHING. anything is better than nothing...take it from someone who kept getting told "it will get better" "she will mellow out" "it will be fine"...

I WISH I had moved my child from her school in first grade...realy even in kinder if I knew then...she turned 5 the second day of school and similar behaviors, except crying or pouting...she would be MORTIFIED to cry. She wet her pants frequently though and once applied an entire chapstick to her face! She got more of those discipline notes than any other girl and all but two of the boys (who later turned out to have developmental problems).

If this school really understands the truly gifted, they wouldn't give up on your DD and would offer you more solutions, not expect her to behave exactly like the others.

BTW-my kid like that is 8 now, we removed her from one school and now she attends a "home study" program. She goes to her 3rd grade class once a week for 3 hours and the teacher just told me this morning that Butter is defiant and not listening. She behaves beautifully at home and everyone who knows her outside of school thinks she is awesome...

My DS has had similar experiences in school. I will go ahead and channel Grinity and suggest the Transforming the Difficult Child workbook. I have used that with some success (and really wish I would have used it at 5). I would also suggest that you consider two issues in dealing with your DD at this point, academic fit and behavior and be working on both of them at the same time. First, do you think that even though she is at the gifted school, she could still be bored? Have you spent a day in the classroom? What about what comes home – do you feel it is at your DD’s intellectual level?

Second, with respect to behavior, the behavior plan that my DS has at school and that has been most effective is to have a daily chart with the specific behaviors you are trying to eliminate – 1) one should be a real problem that you are really trying to fix, the other not as bad a problem and one a gimme behavior. You could meet with the teacher to discuss what are the most problem behaviors 2) For each behavior it is not an all of nothing – it should have 'poor' 'fair' 'good' 'great'
3) State the rule as a negative – for example: No Yelling, No touching, No crying, No moving out of seat while teacher is talking. My DS’s rules are no touching, do not disobey the teacher and no throwing food (the gimme) 4) Leave a blank slot on the daily chart that says: Tonight at the family dinner, we can celebrate that your DD did _______________________.
This part has been great for my DS because no matter what the day is like, we always have something positive to celebrate. It also gets the teacher to focus on something positive every day about your child which can change how she thinks about your DD.
We also use a credit system at home where if my DS gets goods/greats on his chart, he gets 15 minutes of screen time and if he gets a great in not disobeying the teacher he gets an extra 5 points. We give screen time for other good behaviors too. We never deduct screen time but my DS does not watch TV or play videogames or games on my phone without having accumulated screen time.

My DS8 does have a recent ADHD diagnosis and I have found that it is really hard to tease the HG over excitabilities out of the ADHD and vice versa. For instance, my DS has strong traits of 4 of the gifted over excitabilities. Some days I don’t think he has ADHD because his giftedness masks it so well, but one of the hallmarks of ADHD is inconsistency which you mention and my DS has had that too. He can have 3 great days and then a bad day, etc.

Finally, I would just say that your child is 5 and should not be expected to act the same way as kids who are almost 7. My DS may also seem immature by comparison to some of his classmates - he is in a 3/4 cluster after a grade skip - he was still 7 when one of his classmates turned 10.

Good luck. It really is not easy and dealing with people at the schools can be exhausting - hang in there.

Well Done Deonne! I agree and would add that sometimes HG kids are very emotionally needy, and it's hard to get one's fill emotionally through good behavior, so the door is open to being desperate enough to go after human attention through bad behavior. Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook is a great guide to how to give enough delicious attention and connection to a child's positive behavior that they can continue it past 3 days.

I'd also encourage you not to 'awfulize' about what if you get kicked out of school. Better to survey the options - homeschooling, public school, different school than be hostage to a poor fit school.

Smiles,
Griniy