Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Just turned 8, just turned teen.

Over the summer, DD turned 8 and seemingly turned into a teenager. I had early clues in 2nd grade walking her to school, shocked to find her so easily embarrassed by me if I so much as walked or talked in an uncool manner.

Is this normal for girls, or gifted girls? She really seems to have taken the asynchronous development thing to an extreme, but academically she refuses to do more than the bare minimum. We sent her to a science camp which she liked, but the most important factor to her was the relationships and as always she had found someone older to cling to. The science part seemed an afterthought.

I'm already fighting off training bras, stopping purchases of short camoflauge skirts, wondering why she refuses to shop at Children's Place. She talks of moving out and living with her friend. She semi-secretly wants to be a pop star but won't submit auditions because she says she knows she won't win.

We figured out in 2nd grade that many of her anxiety and stomach ache issues that year stemmed from not feeling she fit in. She basically told us that on the first day she thought it was very childish just like 1st grade. On the other hand, when she told us a few weeks ago that she no longer wanted toys for her birthday, she was clutching her tiny stuffed puppy which she still takes everywhere.

This seems to be a trend. When I asked her what friends she felt most comfortable around, she mentioned a fifth grader. I honestly believe she self-conciously feels she doesn't fit in with kids her age and this has led to her being aloof at soccer, for example, or just not feeling right around her age-mates. Sometimes I look at her face or recall some of the more profound things she has said, and I get that sense of an old soul trapped in a child's body with a child's emotions. Will this ever even out?

I don't expect we will meet with much success advocating for a grade skip for non-academic reasons? Thankfully we've put her in a 3rd grade class that has about 10 other gifted kids, so there's a chance she'll find someone like her.

Has anyone experienced this too? What did you do? I believe based on her IQ that if she would apply herself academically, she could easily skip a grade or two, but she won't do it due to perfectionism, and cannot endure bland or hard work. She has no academic passions. In fact she seems lazy, like a teenager.

Your post scares me a bit. I have a PG son who will be 8 in December. A few months ago we noticed that he seemed to be heading in this same direction. Just last weekend at a fair he said, "Mommy, you and Daddy can do whatever you like while I ride the rides *by myself*." He's seven. He's an only. He's always been glued to us. Now this? I even detected what I think may have been the very beginning of that "embarrassed to be seen with my parents" deal. He's very sweet and isn't ugly about it at all (Yes, I'm from the South, re: ugly), but to be getting the brush off like that so soon... yech...

Call me naive, but until this past week, I really and truly thought that we would just skip over that part of the growing up process. Really, I did. I don't have any answers for you, but I sure hope others do because I could use some advice. Being my only child, I'm feeling a bit cheated as we barrel through all of these phases at breakneck speed.

So, I have no answers for you other than continue to support her where she is now as she tries to figure it all out, but set some firm boundaries about what isn't going to fly at age eight. I'm still hoping that the change we saw this weekend was a fluke.


Mom2MrQ ...who is still laughing about the Lloyd Dobler clip posted on another thread. BTSDT

Hope to offer a little reassurance, here!: DDalmost9 went through this earlier this year, but now she seems to have reverted to her pigtailed, converse-wearing, stuffed-animal-clinging self.

My DD has reminded me of a teenager in some ways since she was in kindergarten. Her hair is very sophicated for a child. Some of her talk can be so mature. She still loves to play barbies and pretend at 8 and I know that will change so very soon.

My daughter is now 12, almost 13. She started some very similar attitude at 8. Based on our experience, I wouldn't feel comfortable saying it gets better yet. It just gets *different.* To some degree, acting like a teenager comes off as a bit more immature, since regular teenagers don't often act like a "typical teenager." It's almost like she's going too far with it to show how much she can pull it off? Not sure what's happening in her thought process there.

But anyway, we've had ups and downs. I went through a period where I wasn't sure how to talk to her anymore, until I realized that she didn't just become a different person overnight. She's just expressing interest in new things. That realization helped our relationship a lot.

I've also tried to support more of her desires for dress or appearance, because it's about how she sees herself, not how I see her. It's a tough balance because you don't want to go too far with it. Aeropostale and Rue 21 have decent clothes that can fit kids who are at the high end of the Children's Place range.

I've heard it gets better around 15/16 if it starts at 8. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I think the book Hold on to your Kids might be relevant here. It was very helpful to me with my dd10 and I can clearly see the issues it addresses in other kids, but it seems more intense in my dd's gifted girl friends.

We are just starting to see this with dd 5.5. She has gone from little girl to tween seemingly in a weekend. She is completely diffent to talk to, her humor has changed seemingly over night (though I know in reality we've seen bits of this change coming for months - it's more like it's just all come together). She's insisting on being much more independent and she's suddenly stopped being so freaked out by the things that made her anxious before (though again this has been coming over the last fee months). Fortunately we're talking tween, not teen here, but I was only thinking yesterday that I think we'll be dealing with early teen here too.

Ages ago I heard Miraca Gross talking about PG kids 'teen hood'. She said parents always say to her that they are at least glad it will be over earlier - to which she said she replies that that isn't what happens - they just stay teen longer (in a kind of asynchronous way - much as you're describing).

I'm hoping for any easy bit some time in this gifted parenting journey (even a short lived one) - do you think one will ever come ?! Just when you think you have things down it all ups and changes.

Good luck! Sorry I have no advice.

I have a 9 year old. She started going through this at 8 as well. I have learned to respect it. This year, I anticipate that she will be embarassed if I walk her ALL the way to the bus stop. So I stop and watch her walk the rest of the way. The other kids don't have parents there. She wanted to put highlites in her hair. I eventually caved in and helped her. She wanted to wear black nail polish. I let her, until she proved to herself that she makes a mess of it everytime and 'gets' why I took it away. She saved up for the super high Converse and cried when she grew out of them. She's tall for her age. Very tall. She too big to be cute. I guess she just feels she needs to be SOMETHING! I have a feeling that if I don't fight it, she will be stronger for it. Justice works still for clothes, but she is very picky. She won't wear anything with animal print or shiny stuff. She won't pull her hair back. I'm so scared she going to turn goth before my eyes. I am going with it though. I have been a mom long enough to know that no matter how deep the interest is, it usually IS only a phase.

I don't let her play those fashion games on the computer...ever...I don't let her watch Disney shows after school. I don't wear make-up. She still thinks I'm pretty though. So that's all I can do for now.

But I do think it's normal, even for children who are not gifted. I also think that gifted kids have a hard time fitting in and might try things to make a statement. The funny thing to me is though, my dd is not dressing like anyone else she knows. Her friends are sporty types. I think she is trying to stand out. So she is being diferent. Maybe. She has been trying to get noticed for her 'smart-ness' forever. Maybe since that's not working she trying blue hair.

It doesn't bother me. I give into a lot of things because I ask myself. "WHY NOT?" The only reason I didn't want her to color her hair was because I was worried about what other moms might think of me for letting her do it. That's a stupid reason.

Right? Oh and she has been wearing a bra since she was 7..a flat training bra...but she wears it when her shirt is thin. I think it's great. Aren't kids suposed to want to be like mommy?

Ugh, my 8yo, too. So far, I've been trying to roll with the punches, and dreading the actual teen years.

Mine has started wearing a cami top under her shirt every day; she likes the ones Target carries, with bra-style straps. It's not clear to me if she's wearing them as bras, since she also will go out of the house wearing just a cami and short-shorts.

She didn't have any toys on her Christmas list last year, or any so far this year, either. Just electronics / clothes / makeup / jewelry.

Wow, I'm very encouraged to hear this is "normal" in many ways. I am bracing for the fact that it may be an extended tween/teen phase that lasts a long time, or it may be a phase that will dry up and give me back my little girl for a season or two.

It seems extremely important to her to be this way. Being reminded that it is a phase helps me want to offer her more support.

When the DW took her to Justice for the first time and let her pick out some outfits, DD was genuinely grateful and huggy--and she's not the huggy type. It clearly means a lot to her.

On the upside, since moving DD to this more gifted-friendly school has she realized that smart might actually be cool too. I can picture her in a few weeks bringing Pride and Prejudice to recess to complement her new studded go-go boots.