Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Let him quit?

How do you handle it when you child wants to quit an extracurricular activity? My ds6 is very interested in everything...until he does it a few times. Then, "it's boring" or he just pitches a fit when we have to go. I enroll him in these things so he'll have fun, be with other kids, and be challenged, NOT to torment him. So, when do you say, "no, you're sticking with this." and when do you say, "ok, if you're not into it, we'll find something else."? We want to teach our son to stick with activities and not give up, but we don't want him to feel that he should have to continue something that's not working for him. Where do you find the balance?

Do you pick the activities or does he?

I would tend to say that if it is something that he picked, he should stick it out until the end of the season/semester, etc.

If it's something you picked, you may want to try to assess if he is being over-scheduled.

Some limitations can be put in place by allowing him to select a certain number of items each season/semester. Our DD5 is interested in everything, but she gets bored with some quickly, even if she asks in the first place. However when we ask her to choose, there is no choice. She always wants Ballet over everything else.

I agree with Maryann about choice, etc. But another thing that works well with my eldest daughter is to choose activities that in themselves are varied, changing, different, etc. Like multi-sports - you never quite know what you're going to get. Or theatre sports - it's so quick and quirky that every moment brings new possibilities, etc. jojo

I do involve ds in choosing the activities. Like I said, he's very excited about them to begin with, but like cricket mentioned with her ds, my son's first response is to say he doesn't want to go, no matter what the activity is. I've found some activities that he doesn't get upset about once he's there, but I never seem to find anything that he's just completely crazy about either (except Science class or science club). I want him to have some physcial activity! Right now, what we're dealing with is a martial arts class. He really seems to enjoy it, although his attention issues interfere with his success, and he tends to get reprimanded or redirected a lot. Mostly I just want him to have fun, learn some of the moves, and build his confidence/self-discipline. With each new activity, I always make him finish the semester/session, but now it's time to renew, and he's not sure he wants to do it again. It's expensive, but I think if he continues it'll be good for him. I just don't want to pay for something he's not interested in. I think it's the one thing he's enjoyed more than any other physical activity, so I don't want him to give up on it. I also don't want him to feel that I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do...at least not something that is supposed to be for his enjoyment. I just don't understand why he loses his enthusiasm so quickly. Right now, we're leaning towards having him continue but cutting down the frequency to 1-2 days/week instead of 3. We'll see how it goes. He's also in chess club, science club, and basketball. It sounds like a lot to me, but he's one of those kids that has to be busy all the time. Downtime is not his friend!

We generally require our kids to finish out any extracurricular that they start. They only do one at a time, so overscheduling isn't an issue, and we always verify that they are interested and willing to commit before we sign them up for it. If there was a significant problem with the activity (e.g. it turned out to be frightening; the instructor was unkind; other children were unkind and the instructor was unwilling/unable to intervene effectively; or my child was bored because I had signed my child up for an inappropriate level--no challenge/newness/opportunity for growth or my child lacked the prerequisite skills), then I would not make them finish it out. Otherwise, I think it's important that they finish. I look at it this way:

**There is value to seeing things through to the end. Eventually, most things worth having will require my DC to persevere through the dull or the difficult along the way.

**Learning to make thoughtful choices in life comes from living with the consequences of making impulsive choices (within reason, of course ).

**when the extracurricular involves a team or a group outcome, bailing out impacts everyone. It shouldn't be done without good reason.

**DC asked to participate in it, and DH and I were willing to spend the money to allow that to happen. We happily provide for our children, but extracurriculars are not something they are entitled to. We want our children to know that we work for the money we spend, and that that shouldn't be taken for granted. The way I see it, purchasing an activity is like purchasing anything else that they request but don't "need". Unless it is defective, it's not ok to choose it on a whim and then toss it.

I think that if either of my DC refused to continue, or if they "acted up" during the activity to express their displeasure at continuing, that would probably be the last activity for awhile. At the next request I would just calmly tell DC that we would try a new activity when DC was "a little older" and better able to finish what DC started.

That said, every child is different. What makes sense for my DC isn't necessarily what makes sense for anyone else's.

Good points Timiny. We agree that once he begins an activity, barring any major problems, ds is required to see it through. I'm just wondering if we should re-enroll him in an activity that we think is good for him (and he only somewhat balks at this activity-martial arts) even though he SAYS he doesn't want to do it again. His current session ends in a couple of weeks. I think if we sign him up that he'll go and be reasonably happy, if not overly excited, about it. He wouldn't intentionally act up or anything like that. I just hate it when I see parents forcing an activity down a kid's throat when the child is obviously not interested. I'd rather he focus his interest and energy on something he's crazy about rather than just going through the motions. That said, he's only 6 and is still trying to figure out what he loves. Dh thinks we should let him choose at this point whether he wants to sign up for the next session or take a break. Dh says at 6, he should be able to choose a different extracurricular activity each semester/season if he wants until he finds his niche. I guess that's what this period of life is about, but I just think some things take more than a few months to decide if it's something you want to commit to, especially if you're 6.

Wolf is in Martial Arts. His school suggests that the younger kids only go two days a week. The reasoning is that it stays a treat and they don't burn out or get bored with it.

Wolf's main goal in life (when it isn't to build a lightsaber) is to earn his next belt. If your son doesn't balk too much, likes this physical activity the most of what you've tried (possibly because it is non-competitive?), and you think he'll enjoy it, I'd suggest trying to get him enthused about earning his next belt. Personal incentive is a good thing...

My Ds started and dropped several activities around that age. Soccer, figure skating, dance. We made them finish out the paid sessions/seasons. We wanted them to be active in some sport most of the year because it is healthy for them, but it was their choice to stay in or drop a sport. Exploring a lot of options was okay. Eventually they found things they liked (but didn't really settle in until middle school). The only thing we insisted on was that they stick with swimming lessons until a certain level so they knew how to swim for safety reasons.

Even in high school, when D1 was elected captain of a sports team in her sophomore year, but it was a sport she did not love and she wanted to drop it, we let her do that at the end of the season. In retrospect (she is 20 now), it was MUCH better to let her follow her interests, and that was a good decision. She was captain of the team in a different (beloved) sport, and had many other activities. We also took her out of another sport (once) in the middle of a season because of grade issues. The coach was very understanding. She never went back to that sport, but that was also okay, it was early in high school when she was still exploring her options. Fixed the grade problem, too

One other thing to consider is that many activities are 1-2 days a week when your kids are small. As they get older, the time commitment grows, and it becomes VERY painful around 9th grade or so to decide what to drop (scouts, 4H, piano, multiple sports, chess club). And there are a whole host of new opportunities in high school (debate, speech, quiz bowl, drama, etc.). So I wouldn't worry too much about having them stick to activities past a given season/paid session. We were much more careful about limiting the number of activities D2 got into and making her choose between them as new things came up so she didn't have a lot of stuff to drop the first year of high school and had some room in her schedule to try new things. Her transition to high school was much smoother because we were more careful about loading up activities in lower and middle schoool.