Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Tips needed to parent as a team

Any body have some ideas about parenting more team like. My husband has very different ideas about parenting and over rules me. He does a lot of fun stuff with the kids that is wonderful.

Boy, great question!!!

We are lucky (or not so lucky) to have recently attended a social skills training course for boys and parents - learning about communication skills etc. This has for the moment brought us much more onto the same page, but I realize this is impractical for most folks.

Perhaps reading a few parenting books together (even getting double copies) might start you down a more unified path. I think less controversial ones to start

Or, if you're researching giftedness right now, sharing some of what you're reading on a regular basis could help, websites, books, etc.

I'm from the school of thought that, although a couple works to be a team and bring different perspectives to problems, in the end one person probably is going to have to make the call on some stuff. Sharing info can help bring those perspectives more in line however.

I think that this is one of the toughest problems that gifted families face. A usual pattern is that one of the couple becomes the expert and the other Adult feel guilty for not carrying that load, and so finds small ways to undermine the expert parent to 'even the score.' Yuck! But we are human, and this is a pattern that many of us fall into.

For some folks, with some backgrounds, it's perfectly fine for there to be one parent who has the final say, and can over-rule the other adult family member. for other folks this is a problem. Some people aren't against 'one adult has the ultimate authority' as long as they are the one that is the ultimate. Only you can decide where you stand on this.

My DH and I have a rule that we don't 'over rule' each other and try to present a united front. We aren't perfect, but we try.
See if during a calm moment, you can engage your DH in a constructive conversation about it. Try to learn as much about his level of awareness of it, and what it means to him, and then try to communicate to him what it means to you.

Or - you can ignore any of his behavior that you don't like, and warmly praise anytime he doesn't engage in it. I can picture you batting you eyelashes, looking deeply into his eyes and saying: "I just love about you that you didn't countermand my order to our child just now. It shows what a loving husband you are! Of course you have to keep any hint of sarcasm out of your voice, and 'breath through' any smoldering resentments you might be holding onto.

Good luck GoGo! You Go Mamma-Girl
Grinity

Us too!
Kids are master manipulators. You have to present a united front or they will conquer and divide.

Yep, we do this too. A few tips to make it easier:

1. Check in with each other. If you and the kid are alone and you tell the kid it's okay to have a cookie, then go tell your spouse what you did so spouse doesn't give a cookie too. Same thing goes for things you say "no" to - our DS is usually pretty good at not asking parent #2 for what parent #1 just refused, but it helps everyone if parent #2 already knows before the kid comes asking.

2. If you disagree, pull your spouse aside to discuss it. Don't contradict your spouse in front of the kid. In fact, I think it's quite beneficial to have the kid witness this scenario, in which one parent calls the other away, and a few minutes later both parents return and tell the kid "we've discussed the situation and have come to a decision together on how we're going to handle this."

3. Ease up and be flexible. You will never do everything exactly the way your spouse would want it done, nor will your spouse do everything your way. There is no way a couple could list every possible situation and the agreed response to it; the best you can do is find agreement on broad-brush topics (like the TV Policy or Snack Policy or Allowance/Chores Policy) and do your best to make decisions on your feet accordingly. And, in my opinion, sometimes it's better to let the other parent break a rule now and then rather than adhere rigidly to the Master Plan, if only just to keep the peace.

Hope that helps a little.

We are working on this as well - only we're opposite... I'm the "overruler". Often it's because I feel a sense of understanding our DC (mainly DS). I have to get work started this morning, but I'll be back to share some of our tips (and read some others). GREAT question!