Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When is good enough, enough?

Hello all,
I always end up writing these questions, but I'm not sure what track to take. I'll give you some information on my older son and my younger son and then explain what I'm asking:

DS9 is diagnosed with AS and possibly ADHD. He has made leaps and bounds this year in terms of behavior. There is a thread of kindness that I used to have a hard time seeing in him that he is now showing. He gets gifted for 45 minutes in the morning and afternoon on alternate days, part of it for math and part for reading. In general, he seems ok, but he's definitely not challenged. He's off-task a lot, has a lot of organizational issues, and tends to complain a bit. At the same time: I asked him what math he was doing and he said fifth grade; I asked him how it was and he said easy; I offered to talk to his teacher about it and he said no, don't because I like it easy.

My DS8 is definitely ADHD. His working memory issues are clear as day when you get to know him. He is on the lowest dose of Concerta there is, and there are huge changes in his memory abilities. Note that I am not looking for perfect behavior in school or complete self-control, just something to help with what I truly felt was a debilitating problem for him, his inability to recall things well. He is also Gifted. He has some tendency to be too sensitive to what others think and I fear he will be susceptible to peer pressure.

Now, when I look at those two paragraphs, I see two children who are leaps and bounds ahead of where they were a year and a half ago. Clearly, social skills groups, sensory labs, boy scouts, psychiatrists, behavior help, huge amounts of meetings to work on their education are all getting somewhere. But, how much more do I push. Do I need to force DS9 to work harder, push for higher level math?

Part of me says:

Absolutely, he needs to learn to study, we need to determine if his unwillingness is really ADHD or some OE. There is so much still to do.

Part of me thinks:

It has been so hard. So many meetings, so much emotional trauma, and so much lost time off for meetings and appointments. Can't I just leave well enough alone until there is really an issue to deal with?

And I'm not really sure where the answer lies.:/ So I guess that's where my question is. Am I being a bad mom by just being tired of the struggle when I know there is still more left to do?

I agree with mon. A bit of a rest and some success is a positive thing. I hear your concern about really learning what it is like to be challenged and learn the skills (academic and personal) that they will need to meet that challenge but I think a bit of time to enjoy their current improvements may make them more willing to take on the challenges in the near future. It may also give you time to evaluate what areas you will advocate for them in the future - do they need a grade skip, a subject acceleration and which subject(s), and/or do they need more interpersonal challenges/experiences etc..

All in all sitting back for a bit will do you all good imho.

I am dealing with a similar situation. I thought my 12-year-old son was going to break into tears when I told him I was thinking about signing up for a creative writing class with the co-op teacher he had for writing composition this year. My son managed to earn a 96 average in the class despite the three or four day a week migraines, dysgraphia and pain from a scoliosis brace that sometimes distracted him. He was going to doctor appointments and orthotic appointments at least once a week and sometimes dealing with bad news that kept him from being able to concentrate the rest of the day.

In that writing composition class, the first class he had ever taken that required writing, he found that he could write well. He seemed to enjoy writing and he definitely looked forward to getting the papers he had written back each week. He developed enough confidence this year that I noticed at his last musical theater class when the teacher put him in a group with two cute girls his age and told them they had to write a play together, instead of looking for a way to escape, he was smiling and ready to get to work on it. He now confidently shares his ideas and is no longer embarrassed by his handwriting. He is doing so well that I just assumed the creative writing class next year would not be a problem, but it is. He is saying things like don't you understand how hard it has been this year? Didn't I prove that I can do it? Why are you doing this to me? Can't I just have a break for once? He says all year long he has either been in pain or working on something that needed to be done by a deadline. There wasn't much time to do things he enjoyed. He wants to learn and work at his own pace without the stress.

So I am really struggling with this too and I know all about being tired of the struggle. My husband wants me to enroll him in at least one class for next year, but I don't know. I don't know if it is worth the struggle for both of us.

My son would also rather just work on grade level math. It is easy for him but I have to push him to do it because he just isn't as interested in math as he is everything else. I don't push him to do more in math. For my son I think it is enough for now.

I also agree with MON and Breakaway. It's time to enjoy the success and sustain the gains for awhile. Life is a journey - as long as they continue to make gains, learn and progress, they will have the opportunity to learn challenging skills and develop their knowledge base. It's not like the clock will run out (hopefully).

And you know, it is not a sprint for you, either. This parenthood thing is a marathon. Sometimes it makes sense to slow down the pace, get a drink of water and coast for awhile.

Here's my take, Artana.
You wouldn't be here asking if your were totally overwhelmed and just couldn't take another meeting. I think you are posting because you want to hear me say:

It's great that he has gifted classes frequently. It is your job as Parent to give the feedback that the level is too low in the Gifted Class. You don't have to ask for Algebra or something crushingly difficult, but do ask for a small 'uptick' in the educational challenge level.

The last thing you want is to send the message to either son that they are weak and vulnerable and need anyone's pity. You are very proud of what they have accomplished, and if you want them to be proud of themselves, then they need to be doing work that they consider challenging. Even if it's just a tiny bit challenging.

Yes, it's the job of the child to say: I like easy. But it's the job of the Parent to say: "I have faith in you even when you don't have faith in you. I see your ability. You can do this."

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Hi Lori,
I see 2 issues here:
1) It would be nice to get make your DH happy and get him off your back.
2) Your DS's behavior is saying 'yes-Yes' but his words are saying 'no-no.'

I think at age 12, DS is going to have more say thana 9 year old. My first choice would be to ease up somewhere else and do the creative writing, as you see clear benifits here. But it is reasonable to let him experiement with having 'too little' to do, and see how he does with it - given the clear understanding that he takes a tough writing class next year.

If a compromise that allows taking the tough writing class can't be reached, I would for an agreement that he do X number/month of writing pages on his own.

Perhaps the same teacher, or another family member, or one of the mom's here in exchange for you online mentoring her kid, would be willing to do an online tutoring with him that was about a third as much work as her class is? I think that there are online writing communities where teens post their creations and get feedback.

I know that you will trust your mom gut and do what is best,
Grinity

Thank you for all the responses. I think that I will ask them to challenge him just a little more like Grinity suggested. But, I don't want to have him so challenged that he starts having issues again. With my younger son, I'll leave well enough alone for now.

I *am* tired. I don't handle emotional conflicts well, but through this process I've had to learn to be better. I would like a long lull in the times between having to miss more work and go to more appointments.

You cannot see the progress, but it occurs.

A HS friend's son had many of the same issues when young, and they struggled with them. This boy was a goofy, clumsy, and hilariously funny little brat.

We fell out of contact for a few years and then I ran into him. His son is a National Merit Scholar, Homecoming King, and Class President. I was shocked. It all came together in the 9th grade. They found the right mix of things and were there for him.