Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Sometimes I just want to join in the banter

I said the wrong thing to a mum today, who painted me in to a corner about where dd is at (I gave an honest, if not complete answer). It was the mum of one off dd's new school friends and I expect it will result in some awkwardness for a while, given her response. It was silly and I know better, but what I said (which was a bumbled kind of half answer) and her response left me feeling really frustrated. Sometimes I just get really over having to play games of charades with people about dd. I just want to be able to talk about my kid like everyone else gets too. I know there are places like this forum where I (very thankfully) can. I know it is simply a reality of our circumstance (and I am lucky enough to have a couple of friends I can speak to dd about), but it would just be nice to be able to participate in the playground banter and not have dd held up to a measuring stick all the time.

Anyway... sigh... just having a moment.

{{hugs}}

I'm sorry. I hate it when I have one of those days; just when I think I've got myself convinced that I have a set of good responses to dogged questioning, or that I don't really care what some potential parenting Olympian thinks or says to me...


Yeah. Me too.

I feel for you. But cheer up, there are some who have it worse. I've joined this forum because I can't talk to anyone about my kids at all, including their father. They don't believe it, and even when they see something that is obvious, they turn and pretend no to see it. I've trained my kids to not talk about anything academically at all, and pretty much to appear dumb. This forum is a great place to share with others with kids like ours, and to vent.

I'm so sorry you felt like that.

It's the same from me. There's no one who I can talk about it to, except DH. My parents are coming around and have a few questions but I can't really talk to other parents about it.

Thank you all for your replies. 99% of the time it doesn't bother me that much, but yesterday it just really got me riled.

I do feel very lucky to have DH and a couple of friends who are happy to listen about dd - I realise that isn't always the case for parents of gifted kids. Sometimes though I just kind of feel sadness and frustration at missing out on the 'normal' parenting experience (LOL - or what I romantically imagine that might be!)

Anyway, dd's humour and ideas and creativity all make up for it, but some days it would be nice to just blend in to the crowd.

My wife and I don't even notice it anymore. Most of our friends are suppoptive, and many have just accepted it as it is. A few make some comments but we tend to ignore it. The most recent is that DS8 has been out sick a lot this year, (More then he has in total over the last 3 years). So they say he must be stressed by the skip or subject acceleration, and I think "what stress, everything is still easy for him". I just keep quite and say, no he is doing fine with that, not sure why he's a little more sick? and leave it at that.

I had a similar situation happen to me today. I was specifically asked about dd, I answered. Not a short answer but definitely not long winded and then I was dismissed.
I feel you. Sometimes we just want to talk about our children like everyone else and be heard. I would never ask someone about their children and not try to ask a few questions about what was being said or comment positively or offer support. I guess we shouldn't need or want that because our children are bright?

Today, at a birthday party to which DS5 was invited, some moms wanted to compare notes. Three of them by chance have autistic kids, so much of the conversation centered around that.

I've found that the ease of deflecting questions varies with the intensity and agenda of the asker. I don't know which make me more uncomfortable: the ones who are really out to brag, or the ones who have noticed something about my son and want to somehow disprove what he is. Both come from insecurity, I know, but I just don't like drama.

Recently a mom from our sons' daycare invited DS1 over for a play date. She expressed (passively aggressively, not openly) disbelief in DS5's reading ability, and started quizzing him on stuff around the house. I find such stuff a mite ridiculous and more than a little annoying, especially because I think there are more early readers with every passing year, at least here in the U.S., and a lot of kids can read extensively by age 5 these days. Early reading doesn't make one out to be a genius, just like late reading doesn't imply the opposite.

I definitely sympathize with being painted into a corner. It's happened to me more than once. Sometimes I just reply with a direct refusal to engage-- "I find comparisons worthless, because kids are so different and I don't like reducing them to a set of statistics" or some such.

This really resonated - I too would always respond in a supportive way when someone told me about their children (particularly if I asked) - even if that person had an approach to parenting that might be different to my own. I think you've hit the nail on the head - that occasional lack of empathy is what I find so disheartening. Looking after kids is hard work, not matter what their abilities, surely there is some shared experience to be found in that.

It's been an interesting and, ultimately positive week. I've met a lot of parents at the school over the last few days. People have been asking where dd went to school last year and I have been honest (the principal was happy for me to be honest) - basically responding with 'it's a long story, but basically dd has started school in grade one', and then not expanding on the 'long story'. That seems to have worked well. Most people have just left it at that and then continued on with friendly conversation.

Lucounu, I think you're on to something with your comment about the agenda of the askers. What I have discovered is that the person I had spoken to when I initially posted has very bright children. From my small exposure to them, I'd guess possibly gifted themselves. I got the sense her children were seen as the bright sparks of their grade levels. I wonder if the awkwardness of the interaction (she was very adamant that dd was nothing unusual) was related to some concern that dd was a threat to that status. Lol - if that's the case she's welcome to hang on to it - Introverted me would rather hide in the background (hence my discomfort at not blending in with the crowd!)

Overall I would say that it is people who have a sense of worth invested in how their kids are perceived that get the most uncomfortable with dd. Those that have a more intrinsic sense of self just see her as another kid, who, like all kids, is unique in her own way.

I have often felt similarly.


I've decided that not everyone we meet can/will be able to meet our need to share about our children. That's just the way it is. Only some rare souls out there who aren't threatened or have some internal need for justification or superiority. I look forward to meeting these people.