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    jack'smom #94954 02/17/11 03:18 PM
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    Ask him what interesting things he would do if he was perfect at everything. I don't think it would be boring.


    Youth lives by personality, age lives by calculation. -- Aristotle on a calendar
    Mama22Gs #94955 02/17/11 03:32 PM
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    Originally Posted by Mama22Gs
    DS9 took his NaNoWriMo book to school to show his teacher/classmates.
    I asked DS7 if he wanted to show his NaNoWriMo book to his teacher or his class.
    He said he wanted to, but he was afraid. What if she/they laughed at him and said it was stupid?


    I think of this as 'lack of reference group' a special aspect of perfectionism that only gifted kids have. Pat yourself on the back for setting up some testing for DS7, because it might be that his gifts are way more than anyone has seen, leading you to leave him with a set of 'peers' who aren't very peer-ish.

    For my son there was a direct correlation between spending time with 'real peers' and his willingness to take risks. The summer before 8th grade he did an engineering camp, after a super academically challenging year of school, and learned from a peer how to do the Rubix Cube. He was so comfortable in his skin after that then when he started 8th grade in a totally new school, he brought his Cube and showed his new friends what he could do. A teacher-friend told me that one day she turned the corner and saw DS headed down the hall between classes twisting his cube, and a crowd of about 50 kids watching.

    This is the same kid who wouldn't join the Robot building team at the High School because 'it's social suicide' and he 'had a reputation to uphold.' Snot! I hate it when he gets like that, but I do see over the years how the better his accomidations are going, the more of his 'geeky' side he lets show.

    Leaving aside if that may or may not the case for DS7, I would start pointing out characters in books or movies who are afraid to show their stuff but overcome it and do so and then 'save the day.' I'm only thinking of Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer at the moment, but maybe we can get some suggestions. Wouldn't Christopher Columbus have been embarassed if he had fallen off the edge of the world?

    I would look for the tiniest hint of bravery - in any situation and compliment your son on it. If he is willing to let you post a poem here, do it, and praise his risk taking.
    [/quote]
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    Not so sure this is perfectionism per se. It's the same with almost everything he does, though. He is very afraid that what he's done isn't/won't be good enough, and that people will make fun of him. He doesn't want to invite friends/family members to things like the spelling bee or his sporting events, because he'd be embarassed if he made a mistake/didn't win.

    ...Maybe I was reading too much into it, but it made me sad to hear that would be his wish.

    Being the gifted younger brother or a gifted older brother has lots of advantages, but it can also have this 'we try harder' effect. I see it in brothers and cousins, and at least you don't have to worry so much about underachievement. Ask around for family stories of similar pairs.

    I'm sure you already try to foster the idea that 'we are a gifted family of high achievers'and make it a game to see who is best at noticing the other's strengths, so I just want to encourage you to keep it up. It will help.

    And obviously, try to keep the Adult role models in good order.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


    Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
    Grinity #94958 02/17/11 03:52 PM
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    Originally Posted by La Texican
    Ask him what interesting things he would do if he was perfect at everything. I don't think it would be boring.
    That would have been a better approach at the time. He was having some serious perfectionism issues trying just about anything new at that point, so I was reacting to that. frown

    Originally Posted by Grinity
    I'm sure you already try to foster the idea that 'we are a gifted family of high achievers'and make it a game to see who is best at noticing the other's strengths, so I just want to encourage you to keep it up. It will help.

    And obviously, try to keep the Adult role models in good order.

    Thanks for these and the other suggestions, Grinity! I'll keep working at it.

    BTW, we played "3 Wrong Things" at dinner tonight. HILLARIOUS! (although it wasn't quite DH's bag). I never knew how many wrong things you could do with a taco or your big brother... laugh It only took us about 5 minutes to have to make a "no potty" rule. Can't imagine how your family lasted a whole week. I guess we really are a family of gifted high achievers. wink

    Mama22Gs #94960 02/17/11 04:14 PM
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    Originally Posted by Mama22Gs
    BTW, we played "3 Wrong Things" at dinner tonight. HILLARIOUS! (although it wasn't quite DH's bag). I never knew how many wrong things you could do with a taco or your big brother... laugh It only took us about 5 minutes to have to make a "no potty" rule. Can't imagine how your family lasted a whole week. I guess we really are a family of gifted high achievers. wink

    That's great news. I sort of thought that it would self-extinguish - not!
    YipppEE!


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    jack'smom #95134 02/20/11 03:27 PM
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    Yup. I just reread all this recently. Many argue as little as 3-5 pts between siblings. Research says 75% of siblings will be within 13 points (with tighter ranges less often). Birth order gives a handful of points to the oldest. And then a number of researches will note that kids pick up on the dynamic - so if Sally is so smart then that role is filled I'll paint more, etc. First borns are more achievement focused - statistically - second kids can be overlooked because they don't "apply" their smartiepantsitude in a similar dancing seal trick way. Of course, I am rereading all of this as we wonder if we'll go - pg to hg to gt or drop right off. #3 kid has moments of "wow really" and other moments of "wow really do you know your own name at least" ;-) It is weird because I feel like the pressure on #3 comes down to nature vs nurture since this last one hasn't gotten as much of our time. Sure she is a computer wiz - but I think computers are just intuitive and us adults don't know how to just go with it. I'm comforted by the words of Dr. Sally Reis who at least once pointed out that of all her kids - it was the one who wasn't served who had the people skills and business sense to do insanely well in a non academic way (she also point out with another kid that if you get perfect SATs - graduating from HS isn't a deal breaker ;-).

    Do we drop 20 pts off the grid? Time will tell.

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