Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Gifted Adult, How do you deal with perception?

Thank you, Benjamin, for posting this. This is a problem that I've had myself - though I think I was oblivious to it for a long time. I have Asperger's which could definitely make this problem even worse in some ways.

I've been bullied in a professional environment and had others lie about me to HR to get me out - I'm guessing because I really rubbed them the wrong way. (I'm not excusing their actions, but I need to be honest about the catalysts.)

I've been seen as a condescending, pretentious know-it-all in most jobs that I've had (and I'm sure in high school too).

I believe I still have more work to do, but a few things have helped so far.

- I used to speak loudly and carry the proverbial, big stick. Now I speak much more softly. Honestly just being quieter in general, and speaking in calming tones when I do have something pointed to say seems to have helped. I do choose my words very carefully now when I need to tell someone that they're wrong. In this company, I do Software QA, so that's pretty often.

- Working in a place that hires other smart people. There are companies like that. I'm surrounded by smart people now which leads to less frustration on my part and better relationships in general. Plus, we do some amazing work. I'm not proposing that you find another job, but if you needed to, you may want to look for this during the interview process.

- Doing as much as I can over e-mail and IM. This gives me a lot more time to choose my words carefully and really read what I just wrote. The more I do this, the more I find that I can still be very condescending by over-explaining myself. I need to assume a baseline level of subject matter knowledge for everyone except for the newest employees. If I lose someone, I can always back up. But if I anger them or make them defensive, the consequences are much worse.

At home, I find that I still try to have everything the way I see it in my vision. This has to be insufferable to live with at times. It's a constant struggle and one that I hope I haven't passed on to my kids.

Yes! This is so true! Sadly--I am currently in a situation that makes finding them difficult. Interesting discussion!

My partner sitting next to me has been reading along, and she says (to me) "Hey, you used to be just like that guy!" Like I said, it took me until I was 34 and 9 months of CBT, so I don't know that any of us are going to be able to help you much there.

I think the useful self-examination question I took from counseling was "Assume that the other guy is right. What do you do now?" Maybe it'll be helpful to you.

Benjamin,

I am now 50 and yes, I have gone through this. To me, it depends on who I am working with. I have realized that with projects that are led by people really wanting a great project and open ideas, they rely on me and my opinion - and are open.

For those projects where the leaders are weak or easily intimidated, they will deny my ideas or go with someone who is their friend. They will always pick the easiest path.

By leaders, sometimes I just mean those who control the group - not always the ones in charge. People who like a quality project and no bullsh** usually work well on my team.

This is very frustrating and when I work for someone who is intimidating - instead of allowing me freedom to think - I feel that I am in a nightmare.

I have no real answers - just understanding.

That is almost exactly what I have chosen to do as well Adhoc. I put all my focus on my quality and production. I keep the majority of my communication to e-mails and IM's and I reread multiple times to try and spot area's of condescension. And I will reword as best as I can or throw a smiley in there to try and lighten up the tone.

I've heard that before. It's a tough pill to swallow. To get along I do sometimes pretend the other person is right and acquiesce. A lot of smiling and nodding, no problem sir!

When I put it like that and reread, it looks like a very common problem. Everyone has to answer to people they don't like at some point or another. We should all continue to strive to improve ourselves.

Thank you Ellipses. A great way to find answers is by talking about the problems. I really appreciate yours and everyone's responses on this topic. It helps just knowing that others are dealing or have dealt with the same issues.

I identify with the same things when dealing with groups. I am often quickly identified by leaders or instructors who are insecure, or intimidated by me asking questions or presenting alternatives. And I am almost always labelled as a troublemaker and ignored. I do quite well with those who encourage feedback, and like a more blunt and open brainstorm.

Thanks for this thread. I have had very similar experiences in the work place. Though my issues were more around divergent thinking and an over developed sense of justice. I've been home with my daughter for the past couple of years and have been so grateful for the opportunity to just be myself. It has allowed me to reflect a lot what I could do differently when I do return to work and what I might just have to put up with. It's also given me the opportunity to understand that I don't to be liked by everyone, which in turn has made me less anxious about how I present. That in itself seems to have made a huge difference to how I am perceived and I think I am warmer and more personable as a result.

Next year dd goes to school and I will go back to work. I have to admit that while I am craving the stimulation or work, I am somewhat anxious about whether or not this new found understand will translate to the work place. I am sure much of it will, but I am going to make sure that I choose the role and the organisation carefully and will aim to look for like minded people.

Good luck. That fact that you're thinking about it is great. I don't know if it is possible to 'fix' the situation because so much of it is dependent on other people's interpretations, concerns etc, which you can't control. But I think through a combination of taking your own action and finding some level of acceptance re the reality that other people aren't likely to change, you can reach a kind of peace with it. That's what I have found anyway (though may stand corrected when I head back to work!!)

You cannot control how others perceive you. They may gain an unfair impression of you and once you are diminished in their eyes, you may never overcome that deficit. Is it fair then to have that same rigidity in your own thought?

One important thing is not to frighten people or to belittle them. If you come across as too aggressive in your ideas or continue to belabor the point, then you can appear to be mean or uncaring.

If someone is intellectually cornered and they are then threatened further, then you will ruin any future rapport you may have with them.

Do you chat with everyone you meet at work for a minute or two? Do you make it a point to stay after meetings to listen to people? Do you ask a lot of questions and listen to the answers and look at the facial emotions during the response? Of others in the room when you talk or others talk? Do you ask others opinions and can you see the merit in their ideas?

I have dealt with this in every professional job I have had (all 3 of them) except the last one. It always came up on my reviews: I exceeded expectations in every area but I needed to work on not being so "condescending" to co-workers. It baffled me as I never felt that I was being condescending to anyone.

At my last job, I was surrounded by brilliant, self confident and productive professionals and in 5 years the issue never came up. My last year, our company was purchased by a huge bureaucratic international company and many new faces showed up in our building. Once again, the comment came up in my review but it was couched in a "I don't agree with this comment from my observations of you, and of all of the participants in your peer review, only one person said this, so take it with a grain of salt but...apparently you appear to be arrogant and condescending at times".

From this I take it that people who are less motivated, brilliant, self confident etc, etc, see me as a bit threatening and they feel inferior around me so they assume I am intentionally making them feel that way. (Wow, that does sound arrogant!)

My personality type is such that I find the majority of typical office "chit chat" almost insufferable - phony and pointless. After researching aspergers syndrome for my daughter I have found many traits that I identify with, and that is one of them. Unfortunately, some people think something is wrong with you or that you are snubbing them if you don't make an effort at this and that is one area I have learned to "mask".

I tend to be a very blunt, to the point, no nonsense person in the workplace so I resent having to tiptoe around "sensitive" people but I learned that it is necessary in order to get the best product from the team. We all participated in the "DISC profile" and posted our results on our office doors for a month. I learned which people need buttering up with a question about their weekend or a joke before being asked for assistance and which people (like me) would rather dispense with such time wasting banter and get straight to the point. It was very enlightening and did make a huge difference in how we all related to each other. The best part...that guy that stopped by my office every single morning and asked "working hard or hardly working?" ahahaha, finally stopped when he realized how annoying that was to me.

You wouldn't know how blunt and to the point I am from my lengthy posts would you? ;-)

Nik