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    #88864 11/05/10 10:52 AM
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    In an hour or so, my son will bring home his first real report card. I know it's good - his teacher has told me so. But strange as it sounds, I'm not sure how to react to it. I want him to know I'm proud of him, but I don't want him to think (as I did when I was a kid) that his grades are the only measure of his worth. I want to reward him, but I also want to ensure that he keeps his grades up because of a sense of pride and dedication rather than in hopes of getting something in return. And I want him to be proud of himself - but not to the point that he looks down his nose at people who don't do as well.
    I know it sounds like an odd question. But I don't feel like my mom handled this well when I was a kid, and believe it or not, trying to figure out what to do is actually a little intimidating. I feel like my reaction to his grades can make a huge impact in his life - either for better or for worse - and I'd rather it be the former. Any ideas?

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    I wish I saw this yesterday! Yesterday was our first ever report card day too. smile We made a BIG deal out of it. Lots of hugs and "I'm so proud of you's." We also went out for ice cream to celebrate.

    One of the things that dd knows for sure is that she is valued for herself, not her achievements. We've always been careful to comment on her character more than her achievements and to give love at her least deserving moments.

    I think she was surprised that we made such a big deal out of her report card, mostly because she has never had one before. We also made a big deal over my last raise at work and my husbands promotion at his work. It's good to celebrate the positive. I think as long as you are focusing on all aspects of the child, it will be known that grades aren't the only important thing.

    Another thing I want to mention. DD is given a green (good), yellow (borderline), or red (awful) slip at the end of each school day. We don't celebrate or reward those. DD is expected to bring home a green slip each day just as I am expected to obey the speed limit when driving each day. Green slips are (generally) neutrally commented on. I see you have a green slip, be sure to put that away in your desk. (She is keeping them because she wants to.) Or a smile and a nod. Or an "of course." My mother is kind of horrified that we aren't gushing over them but really we want to instill in her that doing the right thing is often it's own reward.

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    DS also had report day today. Interestingly enough they changed the reporting this year and ds got a 1-2 page write up. It was pretty accurate and decently informative. There were no grades for reading writing and math rather a gathering of his work showing progress. It was interesting as most of the documentation was for reading and writing which is a big thing in New York City but not much documentation and pretesting for math. We did not celebrate anything either. He just knows we went to see his teachers to see his work and talk to his teacher. DS did get grades for specials such as gym. In science he also got a few grades and one of them was not great. Science is probably one of his best subjects but he misses it due to receiving speech. This was not noted anywhere on the report card.
    Ds also receives slips for behavior but he puts the pressure on himself and though we talk about it once in a while we don't make a big deal out of it.

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    Today was report card day and it was the first day time I've seen any indication from DS that he knew about them! I guess this new school makes a big deal about them because as soon as I opened the envelope, a big green notice saying "Elementary A Team" fell out and he screeched with excitement. He said he was sure he had gotten a B, and was so happy to have gotten straight As. They have a pride day next week where the straight A kids get a dogtag and can then collect them every quarter.

    Holy smokes! So much for not putting pressure on kids! Now DS wants to get a dog tag every quarter...and we are all about "just do your best and don't worry about the grades." Ugh, ugh, and more ugh! I don't know how to counter it. Nan

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    Of course we want them to love to learn, and do their best. But I wouldn't work too hard to counter it, Nan -- D15 is a sophomore in high school, and grades ARE important at that age. D21 wishes now that she had worked harder for better grades in high school. She is a much more diligent college student than high school student, and has supurb college grades. But she knows she could have gone to a more challenging college OR earned more merit aid if she had worked harder for good grades in high school. And it is very difficult to get a kid to just "turn on the jets" and get good grades in high school if they aren't already in the habit. So there is something to be said for good grades at lower levels. I would make a point to especially praise the grades where they worked hardest and had to show the best study skills and self motivation to accomplish, though.

    D15 was probably prouder of her A- in phys ed today than any other grade laugh She worked harder for it than any of the others!

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    Thanks intparent! I was talking to another friend about this also, and I'm not going to "counter it" at all. Thank goodness the school has a spirit day for good grades instead of just for the football team winning! I'm trying to be positive, because it is a positive thing! It really shows how I was raised, though, which is to be embarrassed about good grades and being smart. (sad but true) Nan

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    Originally Posted by daytripper75
    We don't celebrate or reward those. DD is expected to bring home a green slip each day just as I am expected to obey the speed limit when driving each day. Green slips are (generally) neutrally commented on.

    I personally think that's exactly right. My DS5 has never had a yellow (caution), blue (major infraction, but one-time), or red (repeated offenses in a day) card at school (they don't bring them home), and his response when I ask him if he's ever had one is always: "No!" with an inflection of 'well of COURSE not!'. We will be the same way with our DD4, who, ahem, does not ALWAYS make perfect choices... (although usually).

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    We tend to celebrate effort over grade at our household. Last year DD skipped math in the middle of the school year and we celebrated a well earned B+ more than the As the quarter before. We also practice goal setting not just in grade but also in completing assignments on time, study habits etc. I don't think A is ever the only measure of success in school, learning study habits for later is just as important.

    Jen

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    We don't celebrate them but do discuss aspects of them. My view is that I expect good grades unless they show me they have worked hard and tried their best but still didn't do well.

    In particular, middle DD does not always bring home great grades. If I know she tried, we'll talk about how much she learned. Usually it's more along the lines of we know you are capable, so let's work harder next time to show that.

    DD16 is not making straight As anymore in AP classes now. It bothers her but we talk about how hard she is working & reassure her, that's fine, we're very proud.

    Kate #89363 11/10/10 02:57 PM
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    Originally Posted by NanRos
    Holy smokes! So much for not putting pressure on kids! Now DS wants to get a dog tag every quarter...and we are all about "just do your best and don't worry about the grades." Ugh, ugh, and more ugh! I don't know how to counter it. Nan
    [As by coincidence I just mentioned in another thread] I've been talking to DS about meta-cognitive stuff explicitly, and one of the things I've told him about is the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, and the research about how giving rewards/praise etc. tends to decrease intrinsic motivation. (You can explain the basics very easily: e.g. if you give two groups of children the same tricky puzzle to do, and the children in one group get a reward for doing the puzzle, the children in the other group are more likely to choose to do it for fun another time. It's as though they think that something they get a reward for can't really be fun.) I don't know how much it'll help, if at all, but at least it means I can be honest about my mixed feelings when he gets praised or rewarded for something that's worthwhile in itself, and I feel it should help to be aware of the effect.


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