Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Lighting up turned off children?

I'm having trouble "turning on the light" in my oldest boy (4 tears old) in particular. A while ago I wrote about that enthusiasm that he got after visiting a gifted group. We've been going along, and it's been good, but the light he had that first time isn't there, and even with home educating him, I don't know he doesn't seem to have it.

I'm not sure what is not working for him, but something isn't. He seems to be very unenthusiastic. He's not that interested in very much. Whenever I present activities he doesn't want to do them - almost anything. If he was older, I'd swear he was turned off learning!

An example is that he always used to enjoy going to the library and choosing new books, but lately, he doesn't really want to, and when we get home, he doesn't really want to read them with me. He used to love that.

I'm not sure I'm making a lot of sense! I hope others here will kind of understand what I mean.

Any ideas?

4 is so young - he may just be working on something else right now....
You can certianly try a lot of different activities at a lot of different levels and see what sparks his interest. Travel to different libraries and write an article for the local paper about the pros and cons of the various libraries.

Get the chess pieces out and teach him how them move. My son was 5 when he learned, but you never know. What games does he like?

One very 'du-obvious' thing to try is to ramp up the challenge level. Even homelearning families find it hard to really 'get' just how above level their children are - from what I hear.

While you wait, consentrate on the basics, sound diet, sleep patterns, limit screen time, make sure there is enough outdoor and excersize time, service to others. Praise, praise and praise some more any bit of flexibility or willingness to try you see in any context, no matter how small. Let him overhear you praising to others his flexibility and his willingness to try things.

It sounds like you have plenty of 1-to-1 time. Do you have a set time once a week where you turn off all phones and just play what he likes to play for 30 minutes? You can even allow him to break 'minor rules' during once a week special time. For example, at age 5, my DS always wanted to go to McDonalds for his special time. I never would eat the food there, or allow it other times of the week, but I would let him choose it for special time. Or sometimes it's helpful to get a family member recruited to get in closer for some regular visits.

thoughts?
Grinity

Last year my now ds5 was also very turned off. He was so curious and tenacious about learning from about 1-4 years of age but when he reached 4 he didn't want learn or do anything slightly thought provoking or challenging. If he felt like we were "trying" to teach him anything he would protest or just try to get away somehow. We didn't want to force anything though because he was just 4 and we didn't want to push him and "hothouse" him (I don't think we ever did but we just didn't know). We left him alone and he spent the year in a play based preschool. It seemed that he spent that year becoming more social and learning life skills. This year he is a self-contained gifted program. He really whined and was reluctant at the beginning of the school year but now just relishes the extra challenge and work. In just 2 months of school he is back to the kind of kid he was before. Perhaps it was the school setting or perhaps it was a phase but ds did go through a "lights off" phase. At that time we did worry about it and we will never be sure why this happened so I guess I'm just sharing our story.

Thanks, Grinity and graceful mom.

Thanks for sharing your story graceful mom. That is a lot like my son. What worries me is I don't know if it is a phase or a symptom! Since he isn't going to go to school, if it is a symptom, I need to deal with it.

I did need the back to basics lecture, Grinity, and the one on one time, which is actually rather sporadic, not planned. Planned would be a better idea! I'd love to get a family members help, but we live a long way away from family.

I agree that four is very young, and because of that I have been reluctant to really push him. Plus I am unschooling and montessori at heart, so I am trying to let things be child led. I have been coming to the conclusion that perhaps his capacity for learning is exceeding his ability to think up things he wants to learn. If he can't immediately think of what he wants to do, he will gravitate towards eating or screen time.

Actually, while all that is not untrue, there is issues about me that are interfering. I have discovered that we are expecting a surprise third little one and I have been going through the usual first trimester joys. That is almost gone as I am leaving the first trimester now - thank goodness - but fatigue is really making it difficult to keep the novelty level up!

Yesterday I asked him how he would like to keep learning at home, and he said he would like to join more clubs and for me to tell him what to learn.

The clubs is difficult! At his age, he isn't always welcome at the types of clubs he would be interested in. Being in Australia, where homeschool groups are less prominent, there is very little in that way, and what he has found so far has been great fun to socialize, but not too much learning. (At his gifted group, he burst in to tears crying "When are we going to learn something!" This was before he started to get more turned off. The gifted group is only about every three weeks on average.)

As to me telling him what to learn, I have trouble twofold. One is what I do when he says, "I don't want to do that Mum", especially because he is starting to get adverse to challenges. The other is telling where the line is between keeping him appropriately challenged and pushing a very young child into formal learning before he is ready for it. How do I know?

I realize as I am writing this that things are becoming more and more obvious! I really appreciate this forum to get this out there so I can look at it a bit more clearly.

One tired-out mamma, who really wonders where the energy to do more is going to come from!

Hi GeoMamma,

This is my first post, so apologies if I miss any appropriate etiquette Our dd 4 (nearly 5) is in a similar place, and at first I worried about it, but now I am inclined to believe she is working on other things as has been suggested above, because in other ways her maturity levels have sky rocketed. But if anything seems like 'learning' she's just not interested at the moment. Hoping her curiosity comes back though! (and actually she's been doing a bit of the Brain Pop website and reciting bits of info to me just off the cuff, so she's obviously keen on learning something - but maybe just isn't keen on my style at the moment). Not so useful as advice I know, but maybe comforting to know he's not the only one?

We just have dd and she is in preschool a couple of mornings a week - I can't imagine having to cope with 2 and first trimester pregnancy, whilst also having to respond to dd's intensity! Hope you have a chance to look after yourself too

Take care!

Firstly, congratulations!
I'd be inclined to think he is probably working on other things too. He may also be heading into a period where he isn't keen on challenge, and while that is frustrating for all involved, it may just be that he needs to go through it and come out the other side. As an unschooler I'd be pretty content to just follow his lead. Perhaps just stick to strewing for a while? xo

Thank you GreenGully!

And Giftodd, so good to hear another story. Thanks for the sympathy too, I kinda need that a bit at the moment. Like it's okay for me to be finding it hard right now.

Sounds like it may be a common thing around this age. My mum said I went through a similar thing. She said I brightened up when I went to school. I certainly remember loving the new ideas.

I do want to follow him, but I also actually think he wants me to challenge him more. He does ask for that. I when I do things, it usually is in a strewing style Today, I asked if he wanted to do something, he was all enthusiastic, he started, then he said "This is not fun" which sort of ignored, asking him about what he was doing, then he fairly happily completed it and proudly showed to his dad this evening. I don't mean pinning him down, but I think I need to help him work past that little sticking point a bit, maybe.

Congratulations! I'm not sure this is related but my son acted weird throughout my pregnancy, from the first few months where he didn't want his dad to be anywhere near me to the several months he insisted on being spoonfed every meal by hand, the several months he insisted he didn't know how to dress himself, and the few months he actually ended up back in pampers. Every body assured me it was normal and natural, and that he was instintinctively trying to make sure that he would still be taken care of. I humored each behavior until I didn't want to anymore. Then it only took about a day of telling him I'm done, I know you know how to dress/feed/etc yourself.

Children do get stuck in little edys of repetative behavior, and need our help to flush out some of those nasty corners. Love, attention, specific praise and time will do the trick. It is hard to know if you are pushing too hard or not enough - trial and error is the answer (YUCK!) - but be reassured that the fact that you can ask the questions means that you won't make a big mistake, only those little unavoidable good mistakes.

It is entirely possible that he needs you to provide more challenge. Try it and see. My son used to want me to 'yell' at him to get off the furniture during special time. He would climb up about 3 feet and say: "Yell, Mommy!" He may be backhandedly asking you to 'demand' more of him. Trial and error and keep remembering to keep the basics in place. It's hard when external (or internal - wink) pressures distract. That's part of life too.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Welcome Giftodd! Love your name and love your story - your dd sounds lovely!
Smiles,
Grinity