Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Poor spelling and self esteem

Last night I went to DD8's parent teacher conference. I had a wonderful discussion with her teacher. DD is in a gifted classroom with a 504 plan for dyslexia/dysgraphia. Her teacher told me that she is very pleased with DD's writing and showed me work that looked amazing -- neatly written, good vocabulary, and a few spelling errors. We discussed how Dd does fine on spelling tests but has difficulty transferring these skills to written work. She shared that she thought this year's spelling curriculum might help DD because it focuses on patterns (a huge strength for DD). I left the conference feeling elated.

I came home and shared the wonderful feedback with my DD. She flat out refused to believe it. She started sobbing and saying that she is the worst writer in the world because she can't spell. I told her that her teacher and I don't feel that way. I acknowledged that DD always may have spelling challenges. I told her that she still has wonderful thoughts and ideas to share. I told her I was proud of all her hard work and reminded her how far she has come. She just said that I was too nice to tell her that she's stupid. I'm at a loss. I'm very concerned about her lack of self esteem. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

My son had serious self esteem issues and I was also at a loss. We found a child psychologist who helped him in only 2 sessions. (I actually saw improvement immediately following the first session.) "All" she did was talk, but for my son it was incredible. We still see the psychologist very occasionally for other issues relating more to social skills problems, but the self esteem issues have never re-surfaced. I sit in on the sessions, and try my hand at what she does at home, but I don't come close to the positive effect the psychologist has!!

Maybe seeing a psychologist sounds extreme, but I am so glad we did it for our son. Nan

Growing up I always felt I was a *horrible* speller.

I mean, I can remember my achievement test scores in 7th grade. Spelling was the worst score of the bunch... at the 87th percentile. Looking at the score report, it was a definite outlier.

As an adult, putting things into perspective, I've realized that spelling was one of the few things that I had to work at. Self-esteem comes from appropriate challenge. It sounds like her spelling work is an appropriate challenge for your DD.

My daughter (at 6) sometimes gets really upset telling me what she "can't" do, as it's "too hard". Then she does it. Maybe not being used to challenge makes it harder to know how to respond.

ETA: by really upset I mean crying and screaming about how it is horribly unfair and she can't do it - only in private, at home, in front of us.

It sounds like your daughter is frustrated and doesn't realize that spelling and writing are two very different things.

Is she familiar with the A-Team? If so, she may be interested in watching this clip from the Stephan Cannell, the writer/creater of the A-Team, Rockford Files, 21 Jump street and other hit (an emmy winning) tv series. He has also published many novels. http://www.cannell.com/dyslexia.php?vid=3

About 1/4 of the way throughout the clip, he talks about how he dealt with poor spelling while at college. Listen to the part about his creative writing professor - who recognized Stephan's talent, chose to look past spelling, so that Stephan could unleash his creativity in his writing.

And Stephan Cannell is not the only writer with poor spelling. It would be interesting if she did a google search on famous writers with dyslexia.

Yes, it stinks that she has to deal with her learning challenges. But, it is what it is. Please urge her to look past the struggle and learn to compensate and get beyond so that she can grow her great gifts.

It's hard to grow up a girl with messy handwriting and 'unique' spelling. I know - because that was my bottleneck. I was able to fool myself into thinking I 'wasn't that smart' because of those weaknesses for many, many years.

I don't know if there is something about the way the topics are presented in elementary school that leads a child to confuse the mechanics of writing with the ability to take thoughts and turn them into communication - but I wouldn't be surprised. I still remember looking longingly at the 'cute' handwriting of the other girls in the first grade classroom, so pretty with the little circle-dots for the 'i's and smiley faces inside the 'o's.

I think the fact that she can vent her feelings to you is a wonderful sign. I didn't dare complain because I mom already let me know that if only I worked a little harder my handwriting and spelling would be 'just fine.'

I would suggest that you buy the book 6 + 1 Traits of Writing: The Complete Guide (Grades 3 and Up) Ruth Culham and read it. I would suggest that you leave it around somewhere where you daughter can read it 'behind your back.' It actually teaches teachers how to teach writing to children beyond editing. They you can talk to your daughter about her excellent word choice, strong voice and comand of organization in her writing or the writing in TV shows, books and movies that you read together. Then you won't be in a 'he said, she said' argument about if your DD's writing is strong. You will be able to use 'teacher approved words' to say: your voice is strong, your spelling is weak, your organization is strong in this piece, but only moderate in that one. There are even 'levels' of each strength so you compare her writing to the rubric and prove why you think what you think.

Howard Glasser goes on and on about how we have to be really concrete in our compliments to our children, especially our children who have a chip on their shoulder in one or more areas.

I remember so clearly when my son was in 1st grade, and I was reading his school newsletter that listed the 'best behaved student of the month' for all the classrooms.

I said: "I wonder if you'll get your name here next month."
DS responded firmly: "Mom, I'm on a behavior plan. I'm never going to get my name on that list."

My point being that - at least for my son - school is all about being ranked in every possible dimension, and it is very public and very detailed and very black and white.

If you think your teacher would be on board, save the postage and get one copy of 6+1 for the teacher at the same time. Then everyone will be on the same page.

Best wishes,
Grinity

Thanks for all of the suggestions. You have great ideas and I will try to work on them. I think that I was caught so off guard by her response that I just didn't know how to react. I expected her to be happy too and that isn't what I got. I think that my little perfectionist is always comparing herself to the other kids in her gt class and to her just plain gt older sister. You have given me a lot to think about.

Check out an Agatha Christie book and read some of it to her. And then tell her that Agatha Christie had dysgraphia. Show her in concrete ways that it is possible to overcome the challenges to become her very best at what she chooses.

The ability to write well - whether it includes a pencil, a computer or a dictation machine - comes from imagination, not an ability to spell.

Elementary school focuses so much on mastering tools, but by the time she moves on to mid-school that changes. I'm very matter of fact with my 10 year old son with dysgraphia about how he does on spelling tests or writing. I make sure he understands that it is far more important to be responsible, do his best, and fill his little brain with all the knowledge it can hold than to be a good performing monkey (although he really likes the idea of being a performing monkey).

He's in the process of writing a screen play for a short film he's producing for the PTA Reflections project. Not a single line is error-free, and when he dictates it to me, it just flows. And I tell him that he can always find someone to spell for him, but the stories inside need to come out because they are his alone.

Hope this helps.

Oh, and try having her finger spell her words on sand paper. It's been like a miracle for my son. He's gone from solid F's to B's and C's on his tests and one unbelievable 100%.

ABQMom, I like the Agatha Christie idea. I tried the sand paper thing when I read it on one of your other posts. She hated the feel and begged me not to ask her to try it again. I've been meaning to try some other multi-sensory approaches but haven't gotten to it.