Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional ADHD and Executive Function

I can honestly say that I watch my son's behavior and make sure that they are not introducing undo stress; however, I grew up with a father who was as severe as my son, and I saw what happened with no intervention whatsoever. I would not wish that on my child. He loves his sensory labs, twice a day. He gets his snack breaks. We are trying to help him express his emotions when having a meltdown (as I told the school, my goal is not to get him to sit quietly, it is to get him to express his frustrations appropriately), like having him walk to a quiet space and having him turn emotion cards so he doesn't have to try to vocalize it. He is not required to go to morning meeting, because it is too much for him, but if a new class starts mid-year and disrupts his schedule, we do work to help him join the class slowly.

I understand that your experience was hard, but like I said, I do not see resentment or anger in my child for any of these things. As you can see, we do let him avoid extreme situations, and give him breaks and such.:)

Edit:
Hrm, seems like the reply I was replying to is gone, but I'll leave this up, since I think it's good information on the accomodations he receives.

I'm sorry. �I took it down because I realized it wasn't really a constructive statement to the situation. �But something said probably for my own therapeutic benefit so I erased it. �Here's my last post:�

"They did something similar to me. �I can't really discuss it without giving my whole weird life history. �But without judging you and while supporting you in your effort to raise your son the way you think is best I have to say I really resent that they did that to me more than anything else that's ever happened. �Many parents would disagree with me and say it's in the child's best interest. �I think the long term results were not to my benefit."

Sorry 'bout that. �

It was like this but religious and they were trying to desensitize me to my emotional OE's only they didn't call it that. �That's totally something different than a sensory lab. �Like I said, I apologize.

La Texican, no apologies needed. You expressed your concerns, and I brought up his experience so you could compare and let me know if this sounded like yours. If it did, I was going to PM more questions.

I agree something has to be done. �I'm banking on �"the nurtured heart approach, transforming the difficult child" because it claims to be able to de-energize the situation without going on an emotional roller-coaster ride. �Which would obviously be very important to me given my history. �So far I think it's setting us up for success. �My husband doesn't quite understand my need for a peaceful method without power struggle, but he's seen the out of control results of kids without any intervention or discipline or structure. �And our kids might get ADD from either side of our family. �So really it was a relief that we both think this program is setting us up for success. �He said just yesterday that we were lucky to begin this program and get it in place before the second child is born. �

Again I apologize for jumping to conclusions about your son's therapy. �I am thoroughly embarrassed and apologetic. �

How do you stop to do meditation when you need to remain hypervigilant because you are in the middle of a nightmare? How do you take deep breaths when the smell is making you sick?

Yesterday, my sister took my dad to the hospital because he has had heart problems in the past and recent tests showed there might again be a problem. We all thought it would be like last time and he would need to stay overnight. My dad gave me a crash course in taking care of my mother and how to deal with typical difficulties. He said his best advice for me was just to "improvise." My mother is totally incontinent. Sometimes she doesn't want to get her clothes changed and she sits down and I am not strong enough to pick her up. My dad can't do it either. He says you have to leave her there until she decides to get up. I now realize there is a big safety issue here. What if there is a fire or a tornado? I changed my kids' diapers but this is not anything like that because I could control their behavior since they were a lot smaller than me. I had to give my mother medication several times a day on schedule and it took a long time because she spits out pills. I had to pick them up and put them in her mouth. She bit my dad once when he did this. I wiped my kids' noses and cleaned them from head to toe and it didn't bother me. This is my mother and she was a wonderful mother. I must be horrible to be having such trouble with this. I promised my dad years ago when my mother suffered the damage to her brain that I would support his decision to take care of her at home and would help in any way I could. My son was four. I didn't know we would have to homeschool and he would have disabilities that required more frequent doctor visits than the average kid. All I knew was that he was incredibly smart so I thought everything would be easy.

While taking care of my mother, I got a call from my son. He outgrew his scoliosis brace and the velcro was no longer working and I had to use a safety pin to keep it from slipping. He can't go to the bathroom with the brace on and he can't take it off by himself with the safety pin in back. He said it was an emergency. I had to run next door and fix that problem and so it was back and forth like that all day. We have had to do a lot of unschooling lately because of circumstances beyond our control. His knowledge of history and science and vocabulary and current events continues to grow but he doesn't find time to do math if I leave it up to him. He also "forgets" to do his exercises or his head hurts too much to do them even though he knows the brace will make his weak core muscles even weaker if he doesn't do them.

Even though I tried to maintain my state of hypervigilance at home with my son while also keeping an eye on my parents next door I didn't notice that the velcro straps on my son's brace were loosening each time he sneezed or moved. We think this is why there was a progression even though he wore the brace all summer even through the long musical theater rehearsals. When we started using the safety pin it was like he had to get used to the brace all over again with the back pain. When my son is in pain, I swear I feel it too. I felt horrible for not noticing but he wears a shirt over the brace and I couldn't see that there was a problem. So I feel I need to be even more hypervigilant than I am.

I can't take anxiety medications because they make me too tired to deal with what I must deal with. I am afraid the doctor will want to increase my blood pressure medication which will make me even more tired. I say little prayers throughout the day. I am doing the best I know how to do.

No, it's nothing like what I was thinking. Holding them still and getting them wound up while they cry and wiggle hugging them firmly but gently and I'll let you go when you can control yourself.

Wow Lori, I really can't imagine anything worse than what it must be like to watch your own child suffer.

Lori, maybe I don't know you well enough for it to be appropriate to send you a cyberhug but if you want it, there's one in the air for you from me! I was just looking back at some of your past posts - no wonder you're feeling at the end of your tether. You are not horrible - you're dealing with a harder lot of stuff than many people ever have to.

Concretely, the most obvious practical thing from your post is that you need a better solution than that safety pin! Is your DS due a new brace that will solve that problem, or can other people who've experienced them or his carers help you to find a solution that will let him go to the toilet unaided? That seems like a pretty basic piece of functionality to expect, for his dignity as well as to take a burden off you. He's 12, right? Maybe he could take responsibility for leading the problem solving on this one.

About when to find time for meditation - I've BTDT in the sense of having times when life was so overwhelming that there seemed to be no time at all for me. I think there are no ideal solutions, but "put your own mask on first" definitely applies. You need to look after your own needs, or you simply won't be able to keep looking after others. Also, you know how people tell new mothers "sleep when the baby sleeps"? That never worked literally for me, but the principle is good: any time you know you are not just about to be interrupted for something urgent, make that your meditation/nap/you time - don't squander it on housework or other stuff that is, ultimately, less important and more interruptible.

I think generally, it's important to distinguish between stuff that really is important to keep on top of on a daily basis and stuff that's not. I think in your place I might, for example, decide to keep chasing my DS about his exercises, but tell him that I simply wasn't going to chase him about his maths until, say, 2011. If he knows you're not going to be responsible for whether he does his maths, for a while, he may (after a bit) pick up that responsibility himself - particularly since you say he's interested in science, which he'll realise at some point requires maths! - and if he doesn't, he won't come to long-term harm by doing no maths for 4 months; he'd just have to do more in 2011 (tell him that, too!)

Lori, I'm so sorry this is happening.

I know it's hard to think this way when you're drowning in it, but: to whom can you apply for help in caring for your mother? You need at the very least a part time LPN to come and give her meds, keep her clean, and deal with other needs. At least.

I think you should make room in the day for a phone call to a social service agency for the disabled or elderly (probably county-level, I am guessing) and find out who offers help of this kind, and start the process. Maybe your mother's primary care doctor can refer you to the right agency.

This should be framed to them as an emergency situation because your dad is in the hospital and can no longer serve as caregiver. But it sounds as though, if she's not able to get up when she should, his caregiving was already not enough to meet the need.

I know it's hard to make that kind of call, but this falls in the category of "put your own oxygen mask on first"-- get more help in place so you can breathe and assess the situation without panic.

Best wishes,
DeeDee