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    Joined: Aug 2010
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    vmere Offline OP
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    Hi. I am new to forum and also to the idea that my DD4 maybe be gifted. I am looking for advice and support.

    We have been having trouble parenting DD. My sister (who is a school psychologist) suggested that DD maybe gifted. She also told me that gifted children need different parenting styles. Some of the time she feels like a difficult child and we as parents are just not doing things right. I have read all the developmental charts and giftedness characteristics. My DD does fit some � but what really draws me to forum is the stories everyone shares. DD was speech delayed � she had no words until 3, timeout is a joke, and lately she is nonstop with requests and questions, and she tolerates preschool at best.

    This brings me to my first question � what type of reactions do/ did you get if you suggest to family/ friends/ educators that your child maybe gifted? When I mentioned to other family members that I suspect my DD is gifted � I have gotten less than positive responses. My brother even went as far as to explain how to give a correct timeout. With my experience thus far my fear is she is not gifted and I am �that� mom. Any advice would be welcome!

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    Hi, vmere! Welcome smile

    It's hard to answer your question because people's reactions depend so much on their own experiences and attitudes toward giftedness. It is not unusual to get negative responses, though. I think many people here have experienced that. I think people's reactions have more to do with them than whether or not your child is actually gifted.


    I found the preschool years with my DD to be challenging, too, and I thought that Raising Your Spirited Child was a very useful book. It helped me understand what my DD's behavior might mean and gave me some helpful strategies.

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    By the way, if you are here asking for advice, I don't think you are "that mom".

    Using giftedness as a way to excuse problem behavior doesn't help a child adapt.

    Understanding that giftedness may be a contributing factor to problem behavior can help you identify strategies to address the problem. That's different.

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    I second that book Cathy mentioned. It helped me as well.

    Welcome to the site.

    Don't let family members discourage you. IMHO, you have to live it to understand it.

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    Hi Vmere -

    Welcome! Maybe your daughter is gifted, maybe not, perhaps an IQ test would tell, perhaps not, but parenting any child can be a challenge, and if we can help you met that challenge - that would be wonderful indeed. It is also sad to me that your daughter 'tolerates' preschool. The adults involved do everything but stand on their heads to make preschool fun for children. But as each child is unique, what is fun for one child might be very hard on the next.

    As for responses to the word 'gifted' - yup, that's what I've found as well. Once a girlfriend said: 'Thank goodness you know, and are trying to do something to help him, I've been up 6 nights in a row trying to break the news to you.'

    But usually it doesn't go that well.

    I think part of the trouble is that everyone has their own mental definition of 'gifted.' So yes, I try to use different,more specific words, or ask a person questions that reveal their inner definition that they might not even be aware of.

    One of the nice things about getting a 'psychoeducational evaluation' (fancy words of IQ and achievement test) is that then you can use the 'g-word' without doubting yourself. Other people will always give helpful suggestions, based on their own life experience, IQ score or no IQ score. Does your sister know of any psychologists in your area who are particularly skilled at testing gifted kids?

    As for time outs being a joke - I hope that isn't a hallmark of gifted kids ((wink))

    I do think it's true that particular personalities plus giftedness call for their own particular parenting styles. My favorite book is 'Transforming the Difficult Child, 2008 edition' by Howard Glasser.

    More important is to take a fresh look at which of your behaviors are reinforcing to your child and which of your behaviors cause behavior to decrease in frequency. Since gifted children make up a small percentage of the population, the general population has very little experience with which Adult behaviors are reinforcing and which Adult responses decrease frequency of a child's behavior. The classic overlooked gifted kid reinforcer is access to teaching and educational materials.

    As my DS put it many years ago: 'How could you threaten to take away my book? My friends parents give him money to read?!?!'

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


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    At least you have your sister's support. I wouldn't worry too much about the rest of the family and Cathy A summed it up nicely about projected attitude from one's own experience.

    I would suggest giving some specific examples of the trouble spots and see what advice follows. The nice thing about this board is you have a lot of parents with varying aged children and many have been through this stage already. I'm in the same boat in that my child just turned 4 so I can share what we are going through but as I haven't made it to the other side as of yet it might be bogus advice. My DD was never one for timeouts. She really could care less about them and being a child of such imagination she could sit in her spot and continue to play. We learned a long time ago to work with other methods such as a penalty system. She would respond better to the idea of something she loved doing being taken away.

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    Originally Posted by vmere
    what type of reactions do/ did you get if you suggest to family/ friends/ educators that your child maybe gifted?

    I think the closest I've ever come to that was saying "I think your kid is in [the cutesy name the district has for the G&T pullout program] with Alex" to a mom whose kid I already knew for certain was in the program. And then we had a nice chat about how people didn't talk about that kind of thing, and that it was a shame that you couldn't talk about it without being "that mom."

    Gifted kids come in all different flavors, just like non-gifted kids. So I might say "She used to be slow to warm to new situations, but has really become more accepting of change in the last year," or "If she's with slightly older kids, she generally does a good job of rising to that maturity level," or "If she really wants something, she will find a way to make it happen, but if not, I find I either need to sell her on it or let it go." But I wouldn't say "She's gifted," and expect that information, in and of itself, to be useful to the listener, if you know what I mean.

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    Welcome! So glad you found the site. I found it about a year ago and it has been a huge help.

    Every kid is different, even gifted kids... So what works for one isn't going to work for all.

    And, in general, most people out there don't really have an understanding of what gifted is. So when they see a child acting out or talking non-stop, they may think it's a behavior issue. Maybe it is, maybe the kid is just bored to tears. Or maybe the kid has so much going on in his head he couldn't possibly concentrate on one thing. There is just such a range with gifted kids.

    I bet if you keep researching and communicating on forums like these you will find lots of great ideas. You are in the right place smile

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    vmere Offline OP
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    Thanks for the advice so far! I�ll check out the books suggested.

    Yes, I really came to the board looking for strategies. And yes it has been helpful already! (I just need to figure out what motivates DD!)

    My sister suggests waiting to do any testing until K or 1st grade. I guess at this point we need to do a little more reading and maybe not mention gifted!

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    Hi! Welcome!
    Everyone has already said lots. Keep reading/researching, your mommy gut does know and if you suspect something, keep going with it.

    You may also find http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/ very useful to get your self started, if you haven't already.

    When my child was younger, I did spend time making sure that meals/snacks were on time and sleep amount was sufficient. Also, for our child, yours may be different, we needed to make sure situations were not over stimulating. A combination of a hunger, tiredness from a fun party, or too much excitement inevitably led to a meltdown. There were days where we kept a really good rhythm and the day went smoothly.

    Again, your child may be different, but we also made sure to prepare for transitions. We would say what the plan was, eg. we're going to a birthday party, and it might be like this or that. When the party is almost over, we would give 10 and 5 minute warnings to help child transition to next activity/event.

    For our child, insufficient time for transitions was not good.

    smile Hope that helps. Keep looking.

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