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Running on zero sleep here so forgive my post (DD has been throwing up all night). I can't help but link some of what you describe to what I have seen with my daughter at an early age but it was with family member's praise since she was shy in public and didn't really 'perform' was just tight lipped. It was when we witnessed her doing some of her amazing things that we got excited and voiced that excitement and DD would clam up. Did you have this type of experience with her in her early years? We think it has to do with her perfectionism. So we (the family) learned early on not to make a big deal out of her achievements but this doesn't mean the general public would understand that. I'm just pondering if this is part of perfectionism at a later age?

It sounds, though perhaps isn't, like she isn't sure of how to handle a specific social situation - (public?) praise from an unknown person. I think praise is difficult to figure out how to handle gracefully. Maybe some role-playing, with her trying out both positions, would help though? One way to think of it is that someone is making a gift of their words to you, so it is important to acknowledge politely as you would any gift.

I have this book that's called Skillstreaming by Ellen McGinnis which teaches minimum social skills to kids who lack them.  Not very deep but broad, it lists all the major skills.

"Skill 22.  Accepting a compliment
Steps:
1. Decide if someone has given you a compliment.
Discuss ways students can tell whether some has given them a compliment-for instance, how the person looked and sounded when making the comment.
2. Say thank you.
3. Say something else if you want to.  
Give an example: "Yes, I tried hard.". Encourage students to give credit to someone else who may have helped also: "Joey helped, too."

Suggested situations
School: The teacher compliments you on work well done.
Home: Your parents compliment you on how well you did your chores.
Peer group:  A friend compliments you on the way you look.

Comments
This skill is important because children are frequently embarrassed when given a compliment.  When receiving a compliment is presented as a skill to be learned, such children are frequently more accepting.".      End Quote

Sometimes "thank you" won't do, though. Anyone have a good solution for this recurring embarrassment?

Someone - on the occasions that come to my mind it's often a taxi driver, think someone who is just making conversation - asks what you do, or some other innocuous question, and when you tell them, gushes exaggerately "oh, you must be SO clever" or similar. You respond...?

"Thank you" won't do (at least in my culture I don't think it'll do!) because it constitutes an admission that one is, in fact, clever.

"Oh, not really" won't do as it is a lie ;-)

No response at all, or a grunt, is rude.

Giving a nuanced responses (I'd be unhappy using more than, say, 5 words in this situation) is opening up a conversation I don't typically want to feel obliged to have.

I usually end up either saying "Oh, I dunno" or ignoring the comment and saying something else that isn't really an answer, like "Lovely weather we're having", but nothing is really satisfactory - especially when DS is with me and I'd like to be able to respond in a way I really believe is a good choice! Has anyone found an elegant solution to this?

I wish I had this problem. Ha ha

How about... with a smile - "I try to be, but there so many MORE people who are WAY more clever..."

I did actually try almost exactly those words once, but the other person didn't quite hear or didn't quite understand, and wanted the remark explained, which I found excruciating... I suppose my main issue with this is that I don't want to talk about the subject at all, and certainly don't see why I should do so with a random stranger who is just expressing a stereotype. Maybe I should just practice looking obviously embarrassed!

In this kind of situation, how about just saying, "It's a nice job".

As for the kids learning how to respond to compliments, we're still working on this with GS11. He also still needs work on proper greetings in non-casual settings. We're lucky to have a number of older friends who happily cooperate practicing these things with him.

It's strange, GS11 can go on and on about some of his accomplishments when he's caught up in the thrill of doing it. But if an adult compliments him first, he looks like a deer in the headlights.

That's a good one, actually. I have used it, but perhaps not directly *as* the answer to the comment, but as the next thing to say. You're probably right that it will work as a response. Thank you!


DS has had a bad habit of saying the right thing, but so quietly that the person he's speaking to doesn't hear. It was driving DH crazy, interpreted as rudeness. I finally thought to ask him why he was doing it, and he said that we'd told him not to speak too loudly in restaurants (we were dealing with "what will you have" etc. situations) and he was trying not to do that! Some things one would think were obvious turn out not to be... I made a mental note to try (harder) to remember to ask before I scold in future.

In our neck of the woods, we have Toastmasters Jr. It is for kids of any age and teaches the kids valuable lessons in speaking in front of a crowd, accepting criticism and how to handle praise. It is completely handled by the kids who range from about 6-16. They are the judge and jury.

I was a little leary when I heard about it, but I went and watched one of their meetings and the critics are very careful when talking to the kids about their pieces. Probably because they have been there. I was surprised at how well it went. The praise was pretty effusive and the kids were given the opportunity to respond. I was told that no one speaks until they are ready, that often times kids will sit through several meetings just listening before they take a turn. If you can find a similar group in your area, it might be just the ticket.

The bunnies around here! LOL

One of the things I've noticed about GT adults is that they (being perfectionists) tend to notice the things that they did wrong in a given project. So when someone compliments them, it embarrasses them and they feel it's necessary to point out all the mistakes they made.

I wouldn't encourage your DD to deprecate her work. I would encourage her to say, "Thank you" perhaps followed by "I worked hard on it" or "I spent a lot of time doing X." This way she's taking ownership of it; acknowledging that it didn't come exactly easy (even if it was easier than many people would find it); and (hopefully) she's setting up the internal idea that work/challenge is important.

That would be me.

I tend to devaluate my work because I see so many people do just as good as I do.

And yet, you work hard on the things you've accomplished. And the people who give you compliments don't really want you to say, "no, you're wrong. it's not as nice as you think it is."

I wouldn't have thought of it as being rude, but since you put it that way it does sound kind of rude. Thanks for the insight.

When I get compliments, I usually change the topic after a quick thank you.

However, all I can think about are the mistakes that I made along the way.

It took me until I was 22 to be comfortable with getting compliments that relate at all to my intelligence, or with talking about being gifted. The scary thing is, I'd say that's better than average.

For me, the change came when I started studying gifted education and learned more about what giftedness is and how it affects personality and thinking style as well as just mental agility. Self-understanding and self-acceptance contribute a lot to social interaction. I'm curious: what kind of atmosphere surrounds your DD's giftedness? Do you talk openly with her about her intelligence and the way her mind works?