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    #82112 - 08/07/10 03:59 AM x
    master of none Offline
    Member

    Registered: 03/18/08
    Posts: 2946
    h


    Edited by master of none (12/27/13 09:19 AM)

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    #82115 - 08/07/10 05:29 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: master of none]
    Katelyn'sM om Offline
    Member

    Registered: 10/22/08
    Posts: 1085
    Loc: Austin, TX
    Running on zero sleep here so forgive my post (DD has been throwing up all night). I can't help but link some of what you describe to what I have seen with my daughter at an early age but it was with family member's praise since she was shy in public and didn't really 'perform' was just tight lipped. It was when we witnessed her doing some of her amazing things that we got excited and voiced that excitement and DD would clam up. Did you have this type of experience with her in her early years? We think it has to do with her perfectionism. So we (the family) learned early on not to make a big deal out of her achievements but this doesn't mean the general public would understand that. I'm just pondering if this is part of perfectionism at a later age?

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    #82116 - 08/07/10 05:35 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: Katelyn'sM om]
    kcab Offline
    Member

    Registered: 10/02/07
    Posts: 1603
    Loc: Sparta, apparently
    It sounds, though perhaps isn't, like she isn't sure of how to handle a specific social situation - (public?) praise from an unknown person. I think praise is difficult to figure out how to handle gracefully. Maybe some role-playing, with her trying out both positions, would help though? One way to think of it is that someone is making a gift of their words to you, so it is important to acknowledge politely as you would any gift.
    _________________________
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    #82131 - 08/07/10 11:17 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: master of none]
    La Texican Offline
    Member

    Registered: 07/10/10
    Posts: 1777
    Loc: South Texas
    I have this book that's called Skillstreaming by Ellen McGinnis which teaches minimum social skills to kids who lack them.  Not very deep but broad, it lists all the major skills.

    "Skill 22.  Accepting a compliment
    Steps:
    1. Decide if someone has given you a compliment.
    Discuss ways students can tell whether some has given them a compliment-for instance, how the person looked and sounded when making the comment.
    2. Say thank you.
    3. Say something else if you want to.  
    Give an example: "Yes, I tried hard.". Encourage students to give credit to someone else who may have helped also: "Joey helped, too."

    Suggested situations
    School: The teacher compliments you on work well done.
    Home: Your parents compliment you on how well you did your chores.
    Peer group:  A friend compliments you on the way you look.

    Comments
    This skill is important because children are frequently embarrassed when given a compliment.  When receiving a compliment is presented as a skill to be learned, such children are frequently more accepting.".      End Quote
    _________________________
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    #82132 - 08/07/10 11:18 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: master of none]
    ColinsMum Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/19/08
    Posts: 1898
    Loc: Scotland
    Sometimes "thank you" won't do, though. Anyone have a good solution for this recurring embarrassment?

    Someone - on the occasions that come to my mind it's often a taxi driver, think someone who is just making conversation - asks what you do, or some other innocuous question, and when you tell them, gushes exaggerately "oh, you must be SO clever" or similar. You respond...?

    "Thank you" won't do (at least in my culture I don't think it'll do!) because it constitutes an admission that one is, in fact, clever.

    "Oh, not really" won't do as it is a lie ;-)

    No response at all, or a grunt, is rude.

    Giving a nuanced responses (I'd be unhappy using more than, say, 5 words in this situation) is opening up a conversation I don't typically want to feel obliged to have.

    I usually end up either saying "Oh, I dunno" or ignoring the comment and saying something else that isn't really an answer, like "Lovely weather we're having", but nothing is really satisfactory - especially when DS is with me and I'd like to be able to respond in a way I really believe is a good choice! Has anyone found an elegant solution to this?



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    #82144 - 08/07/10 12:19 PM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: ColinsMum]
    jesse Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/10/09
    Posts: 283
    Loc: twilightzone
    Originally Posted By: ColinsMum
    gushes exaggerately "oh, you must be SO clever" or similar. You respond...?


    smile I wish I had this problem. Ha ha

    How about... with a smile - "I try to be, but there so many MORE people who are WAY more clever..."



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    #82148 - 08/07/10 12:47 PM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: jesse]
    ColinsMum Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/19/08
    Posts: 1898
    Loc: Scotland
    Originally Posted By: jesse

    How about... with a smile - "I try to be, but there so many MORE people who are WAY more clever..."

    I did actually try almost exactly those words once, but the other person didn't quite hear or didn't quite understand, and wanted the remark explained, which I found excruciating... I suppose my main issue with this is that I don't want to talk about the subject at all, and certainly don't see why I should do so with a random stranger who is just expressing a stereotype. Maybe I should just practice looking obviously embarrassed!
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    #82172 - 08/08/10 06:11 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: ColinsMum]
    OHGrandma Offline
    Member

    Registered: 01/05/08
    Posts: 830
    Originally Posted By: ColinsMum
    Sometimes "thank you" won't do, though. Anyone have a good solution for this recurring embarrassment?

    Someone - on the occasions that come to my mind it's often a taxi driver, think someone who is just making conversation - asks what you do, or some other innocuous question, and when you tell them, gushes exaggerately "oh, you must be SO clever" or similar. You respond...?

    "Thank you" won't do (at least in my culture I don't think it'll do!) because it constitutes an admission that one is, in fact, clever.

    ....
    Giving a nuanced responses (I'd be unhappy using more than, say, 5 words in this situation) is opening up a conversation I don't typically want to feel obliged to have.





    In this kind of situation, how about just saying, "It's a nice job".

    As for the kids learning how to respond to compliments, we're still working on this with GS11. He also still needs work on proper greetings in non-casual settings. We're lucky to have a number of older friends who happily cooperate practicing these things with him.

    It's strange, GS11 can go on and on about some of his accomplishments when he's caught up in the thrill of doing it. But if an adult compliments him first, he looks like a deer in the headlights.

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    #82178 - 08/08/10 09:10 AM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: OHGrandma]
    ColinsMum Offline
    Member

    Registered: 09/19/08
    Posts: 1898
    Loc: Scotland
    Originally Posted By: OHGrandma

    In this kind of situation, how about just saying, "It's a nice job".

    That's a good one, actually. I have used it, but perhaps not directly *as* the answer to the comment, but as the next thing to say. You're probably right that it will work as a response. Thank you!

    Originally Posted By: OHGrandma

    As for the kids learning how to respond to compliments, we're still working on this with GS11. He also still needs work on proper greetings in non-casual settings.

    DS has had a bad habit of saying the right thing, but so quietly that the person he's speaking to doesn't hear. It was driving DH crazy, interpreted as rudeness. I finally thought to ask him why he was doing it, and he said that we'd told him not to speak too loudly in restaurants (we were dealing with "what will you have" etc. situations) and he was trying not to do that! Some things one would think were obvious turn out not to be... I made a mental note to try (harder) to remember to ask before I scold in future.
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    #82193 - 08/08/10 06:04 PM Re: A different kind of shy [Re: ColinsMum]
    BWBShari Offline
    Member

    Registered: 10/24/08
    Posts: 1167
    Loc: NM
    In our neck of the woods, we have Toastmasters Jr. It is for kids of any age and teaches the kids valuable lessons in speaking in front of a crowd, accepting criticism and how to handle praise. It is completely handled by the kids who range from about 6-16. They are the judge and jury.

    I was a little leary when I heard about it, but I went and watched one of their meetings and the critics are very careful when talking to the kids about their pieces. Probably because they have been there. I was surprised at how well it went. The praise was pretty effusive and the kids were given the opportunity to respond. I was told that no one speaks until they are ready, that often times kids will sit through several meetings just listening before they take a turn. If you can find a similar group in your area, it might be just the ticket.
    _________________________
    Shari
    Mom to DS 10, DS 11, DS 13
    Ability doesn't make us, Choices do!

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