Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Adult Friendships

How are things going with your local grown up friendships. How do you use your limited time? What's working? What's frustrating? How has your child's giftedness changed the way you interact with friends? Do you have categories or rules for local friends? When do you feel at home?

A recent post got me started, and now I want to know about all of you. Please say if your 'local' includes an unusual amount of other gifted people.

Thanks,
Grinity

My local group of friends is fairly small. My best friend is 30 years older than am I but we have a ton in common so I really love spending time with her and talking with her. She is raising a granddaughter who is btwn my girls' ages so that is nice too. Her granddaughter is very bright. She may be gifted; I don't know. My friend is gifted herself and takes no offense at my dds' abilities or accomplishments. It is an easy, comfortable relationship.

Another good friend of mine is very busy b/c she is mom to 4 kids ages 2-11, going to college, and hsing the oldest. She and her kids are most likely either gifted or very bright. Her oldest and my oldest are good friends. We do have rather different religious beliefs, but it isn't a big issue for me and I feel generally quite comfortable speaking with her about anything openly.

Beyond that, I can't say that I have a large social circle. Another local member of Mensa has started setting up monthly get togethers at a coffee shop which has been nice, though. I've been to a few of those and have enjoyed hanging out with the few others who show up. Most of us are in our 30s.

I have quite a few acquaintences who are parents of my kids' friends. Most, if not all of them, are aware that dd#1 skipped a grade and that dds are in GT programming in their respective schools, but I just don't discuss schooling with them much.

I am probably once burned, twice shy in regard to being open about dds. We had an ongoing difficult relationship for years with one of the only other moms I knew when we moved here from out of state. Her kids are around the same age as mine and it became really uncomfortable when her eldest started K b/c there were a lot of comparisons taking place btwn our kids from the other mom. Dd#1 reported being asked to read things to the mom when she was at their house and asked what "level" she was reading at, etc. Dd#2 wound up feeling like she was being negatively compared to both of the other kids b/c she hadn't skipped a grade like her sister so she was a more likely candidate for being told that she wasn't as smart as these other kids (there was no objective "proof" that this wasn't accurate). B/c dd#2 is already low on self-esteem re her intelligence due to having some big footsteps to follow in with he sister, this was particularly agrieving. Dd#2 is also gifted, but she is less confident and less consistent in her achievement than is dd#1.

I keep the relationship with this other mom pretty surface level and don't discuss kids beyond "they're getting big!" type of stuff. I really think that it is just an insecurity thing on her behalf and I don't think that my girls are better than hers. I just saw the comparisons hurting my kids which upset me.

I have 3 local friends. One I see or talk to every day. This is 'pretty a lot' for me. All are raising children, so lack of time and energy get in the way. Since raising DS13, I've become more open to 'my gifted side' and gotten much better at picking gifted friends, who I'm enjoying more. Also, I used to spend a lot of energy trying to hide my intensity, and now I don't, so that makes my friendships more satisfying.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Grinity, I am like you, in that I have about 3 friends, those friends are gifted and their kids are too.

I have to be very social for work, so I have a lot of acquaintances, but those people tend to know very little about me. For the most part, I keep my distance from people.

My 2 youngest kids are a lot like me, they can go out and be very social, but overall they prefer privacy, DH is the same. My eldest son can't stand it. He would be out talking to people and socializing all day long, every day. Poor kid was just born into the wrong family in that respect, but he is an actor too, so at least that gives him a lot of opportunity for socialization.

I have always been a bit of a loner, at school I would always be by myself and even now, while many of the people in my business network in pairs, I am always alone. Its a definite personality trait.

I would like to meet more families like us, although I get that we are a little unusual.

I have different groups of friends that don't know each other. Since I'm an introvert I'm fine with have one really good friend, we're the kind of friends who can finish each others sentances. We met 19.5 years ago when I got the job I have now and started working with her. Haha, she's the kind that if I said I killed someone, she'd bring a shovel! Joke, friends!

The other group of friends that I do stuff with are people I grew up with or have joined our church. Two of the couples are near my age and have adopted relatives that are close to GS's age. Needless to say, we have a lot in common. Other friends have really formed a good bond of friendship with GS. One has let GS fly a plane, one has GS involved with acting. This group of friends tend to treat GS as another adult in the group, we are rather mixed ages anyway.

Good question. My best friend moved away over 10 years ago. That was really hard. We were together almost everyday or talked on the phone. We raised four boys together (2 each). I would not say she is gifted academically but socially. She has a great sense of humor and a great imagination and an openess that makes her a lot of fun to be around. I still talk to her often but it isn't the same.
I do not have any close friends now where I live. I was in a relationship that was pretty isolating for a long time. I am also not much interested in casual acquaintances and would rather be alone than make small talk.
My little sister is the only person I can think of right now that is a gifted friend and when we get together it is like returning to my home planet. Unfortunately we don't see each other often due to kids, distance etc.
I realized in contemplating this question that I change the way I talk and what ideas I put forth to accommodate those around me. When I do need to switch gears for a job interview or to speak on behalf of my DCs then I often feel that I am losing my conversational skills.

Me too. I have one close friend. She is my age and her kids are just a tad older than mine. We can tell each other anything - our worries, pain, achievements, sorrows etc - no judgements, just good honest advice (or wake up to yourself!) or listening.

Then lots of aquaintances. Most not work based and varying ages. Before I had children most of my friends were at work. Since moving and starting a family I have preferred to keep work relationships separate from my private life. Of those, three are more than just aquaintances. Two are teachers and I can openly talk about my children's giftedness with them. The third also has a child with a chronic medical condition so we can talk and give advice to each other about that.

I don't have a ton of friends. I have my bf who I've known since college and we talk everyday but she lives a distance away. She is supportive of my DD and her gifted traits. In fact, she was the first to identify her. She, too, has a daughter who is 15 and HG+, so I benefit from her experiences.

My other best friend who lives in this area is no longer a friend. Long story on that one, but it is better to have parted ways. Then I have some acquaintances who I wouldn't call close friends. We have our daughters in common and most of the girls are gifted but none to the level of DD. None of them are offended by her abilities and have been supportive. I, of course, don't make DD the topic at hand either, but through lunches and get togethers they have noticed the differences.

I am an introvert, and I have a handful of satisfying relationships, but I am not close to old friends anymore because we grew apart; we went in different directions with our values.

Yet I still have a few good friends, but I feel safest keeping to myself. I am naturally introverted, however I�ve become so by learning, not by nature.

I�ve noticed that the relationships I find most satisfying are with gifted adults interested in the arts or sciences.

I am not comfortable sharing my intensity except with my spouse and my sibling. During high school and young adult years, I worked at management.

Maybe with age this will change. I know I�ve had different struggles that needed working through about every seven years, though more frequently when I was younger.

I think that my gifted DH is an 'introvert by nature' but I think a lot of us gifties are 'extroverts waiting for the right environment!'

Just like it's so beautiful to see 'previously thought of as shy' PGlets suddenly open up and run with a pack or a single friend at the Davidson YSP get togethers, I love to see us adults become more sure of ourselves and more able to find each other in the real world and become real chatterboxes.

((Not that everyone needs to be a chatterbox, but we chatterboxes sure do need to!))
Grinity