Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Gifted Girls and Friendships need advice?

Hi All, I'm new but wanted to post a question related to my 2nd child dd6. Her best friend lives on our street and during the summer they are inseparable. The friend is MG and grade skipped. She is a year older than my EG dd6 and my dd is also grade skipped.

There is another girl in the neighborhood that is ND. She is the same age as my dd's friend. They have tried many times to play as a threesome but it never works out for very long. In addition, my dd has NO interest in playing with this ND girl alone. When it has been just the two of them it just seems very ackward.

This is the 2nd fall/winter in a row where my dd's best friend seems to drop off the face of the earth and play only with this ND girl. It is so confusing to me. This has happened two years in a row now and I just don't understand. My dd is so hurt and cries all the time she sees them together.

The mom of my dd's friend says that her dd is an introvert and only ever wants to play with one friend at a time. I can understand that to a point but I also think the mom should talk with her daughter about this strange pattern.

Anyway, that's probably too much background. I'm just wondering if anyone has some good advice for my dd and/or some good friendship stories, etc. This is/was her only friend in the neighborhood. She goes to school 25 miles from our home so it's near impossible to play with schoolmates.

I'm so frustrated with these girl relationship issues and we haven't even hit the teen years!

Thanks

Can you invite the friend over or plan a playdate somewhere with just your dd and the friend?

Can your dd join some activities with other kids in your neighborhood (i.e. not school-related but other interests... sports, music, drama, scouts... ) to branch out and find some other friends nearby?

Hi spirited mama! Welcome!
Wow - you are so lucky to have a 'nearby'-ish school where your daughter is nurtured, and a nearby-ish friend that is availible at least part of the year. Sounds to me like you are doing everything right.

I think it's totally natural and normal for the MG girlfriend to want to play 'one child at a time' and that for a while she might want to play with the other child. I certainly would not ask the other Mom to 'encourage' the girlfriend to play more with your daughter,

[How would you handle a phone call from the ND girl asking you to talk to your DD about playing 'nicer' with her?]

although I think 'inviting' the girl on a daylong family outing to an enticing destination is 'within bounds.'

You daughter is unhappy, which is hard to watch, BUT it is a great life lesson. I think that if she learns to -
a) be comfortable with her own company for a few months and
b) able to find new friends
c) spend more time with family members
d) learn that in life, you can be less sad if you spend time helping others.
that she will be well prepared to handle the 'ups and downs' of interacting with other humans throughout her life.

Really.

Are you going to be calling her future boyfriend's mother and asking her to 'speak to her son' about breaking your DD's heart?

I don't think so.

Next issue:
That to do in the meantime?
1) arrange playdates with kids from school (perhaps the parents will met you half way, or live on the same side of the school as you do, or do Friday night sleepovers where you can skip one of the drives.
2) polish an intellectual interest at home
3) join a club that is intended for adults with an interest 'Reptile Club' or a service project. For some HG kids, adults are their ONLY avenue of friendship.
4) Plan a few 'dates' with your child or encourage your partner, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. to do so.
5) Try to find some little kids that your DD can 'babysit' for 40 minutes here and there. (You or the Mom can be in the home at the time.)
6) See if DD6 has any ideas for a business (dog walking?) that would get her out among people.
7) pick up an additional afterschool activity or musical instrument. Or maybe she wants to be in charge of meal planning/shopping or plan the family vacation?
8)Adopt a grandparent

I personally was shunned during elementary school grades 4-6th and I'm a very very outgoing 'people person' type. And I always wished that my parents had been able to fix it for me, because it was so very painful. Then after DS13 was born, I met and became very friendly with a Mom who had grown up 'always having friends' and never not being part of a clique. She was lovely in so many ways. We shared a lot, and she told me many times about how frightened she was of 'not having friends' and how many of her feelings and thoughts she 'stuffed' so as not to offend the other females in her social group. The when the kids were 3, there was a big fight between me and this other Mom. Turned out that part of the reason we had been having such a good time was that she had been being 'accommodating' to me, and she resented it! After the fight there was no going back for that friendship. I was sad for months, wondering what had gone wrong.

Maybe there are other people who are popular all their lives and never have to give up too much of themselves to maintain that, but personally, I never 'wished' that my parents had 'fixed it' again. I learned to value what I had gained during my hard times.

I could be just making myself feel better, but my hunch is that all kids, especially EG kids, are going to have moments when their borders are being crossed, and being able to risk a friendship is a really important life skill.

I hope that wasn't 'too much' - this is a really important issue and touched a personal nerve. Take the best and leave the rest!

Love and more Love,
Grintiy

Thank you all for your replies. Cricket3 my daughter also gets dumped during the school year. Same thing. I wonder if it's got to do with her friend trying to fit in with the kids at school and/or because my dd goes to a different school?

Grintiy, thank you for the great advice. Not too much sharing at all:) I appreciate it all. I do need to look at this from a different perspective. I have enjoyed having her around the house more. Her siblings enjoy playing with dd too.

My dd takes horse riding lessons and her teacher has become quite a mentor and "friend." We'll need to find more interests like this and leave this neighborhood friendship for what it is.

Thanks!

Way to go! I'm so glad that your DD has horseriding and her adult friend there, and siblings, too. What a blessing!
Smiles,
Grinity