The mother of one of DD5's teachers just died after a battle with cancer. She told the children in the class that her mother died.

DD is very upset and wants to know what caused her to die. She has been a bit obsessed with death (as many young gifted kids are). I am worried about saying the wrong thing about the illness. My DD has a HUGE capacity for worry.

I'd appreciate any thoughts...

We had a recent death in the family and bibliotherapy helped us work through DD7 & DD5's many questions. One of the books that really helped was When Dinosaurs Die:A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown. We also liked The Fall of Freddie The Leaf by Leo Buscaglia. We talked about how sad isn't necessarily bad, but if it's kept bottled up it can become bad.

Re: DD scared about dying

Check out the above post.

Depends a lot on how your DD is, of course, as well as on your family's beliefs. We've had rather too much opportunity to talk about death and serious illness in our family (DH was in hospital for 9 weeks and nearly died when DS was 2.5). We've been very matter of fact and done a lot of talking about the medical details, though I have put more emphasis on good news than bad! DS has had phases of worrying about people dying, but has coped well on the whole. One thing that's helped is his understanding of nature and watching David Attenborough DVDs, which have a lot of cycle of life, animals dying and being born. Another is understanding how amazing our bodies are in that they have mechanisms to cure so many problems. We talk about the immune system, about growing new skin when he gets grazes, etc., and when I explained cancer I emphasised that cells very often sustain DNA damage, but that almost always the body's own repair and surveillance mechanisms fix the problem or get rid of the not-working-right cells before there's a noticeable health problem, and that cancer only happens if, very rarely and usually when someone is old, that process doesn't work well enough. This seems to me a more comforting way to think about it than the way people sometimes think of cancer, as a complete one-off that falls from a blue sky, and he seemed to find it so too.

Here are some things we have tried to emphasize with dd7:

- continue to talk about the deceased best traits.

- talk with dd about how we are committed to support the other family emotionally and logistically. We also made a small donation to a music program the child is heavily involved in. DD really needed to know the other child was going to be able to continue their musical studies.

- continue to be friendly to the child left behind

- as time goes by, we continue to talk with dd about what that child is doing now, and who is currently looking after them. DD really needed to know that the other child was not going to also disapear and would have a family member to parent them.

- let your child know that you are making a positive change for your own health even if that doesn't guarantee you'll be with them forever.

Wishing your family the best.

We just had a recent death in our family as well. I reminded my DS6 that it was part of the cycle of life. We are born, we live, we die. That, that applys to all living things and that it's just the body that passes. The energy that makes us who we are continues, like electricity we can't see it and yet we know it exists. I didn't go into any more specifics than that.

I was expecting to have to go further and had prepared a whole demonstration about how it's just the body that passes ect. and didn't need it. He was just quite for a moment in thought and said, "okay mom." Where exactly did he go? Which brought us to an entirely new discussion.

My first husband died at a young age (cancer). I gave our daughter the basics, and then answered questions as they came. I tried not to give more than she asked for. I also didn't shelter her from the pain of grief by letting her see me cry. It gave her an opportunity to comfort me and be comforted in return. Sometimes when she wanted to help, I would say, "just sit by me and let's be quiet together." I think that turned out to be very healthy. -- A few years ago, my daughter's best friend's mom died of breast cancer. When all the other kids in the class started asking bizarre questions and making the child feel uncomfortable, my daughter told her that she'd just like to sit by her and be quiet together. Turns out, it was just what the child needed.

So, in addition to the basics, it might be good idea to go over some "grief manners." I think this gives children a way to feel like contributors and not just bystanders.