Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Advice for traumatized/frustrated 4.5 DS, please

I haven't posted in a while because I believed all was going well.~ You can read up on me from old posts. My DS is 4.5 now; and we cannot find a good fit for him school-wise. His last situation (from which he has been removed for 3.5 weeks now) has left DS traumatized. Daily meltdowns and hitting and calling me "bad Mommy" are all included in our day from our once sweet, generally compliant (non-hitting...) little boy. He even says that it doesn't make him feel better. We feel that he really can't help it. Previously, he had about 6-7 fits ever, and almost none caused by household situations - mostly bad school fits or mean kids. Today is the first day without a meltdown since we removed him from his school. We are just not sure how to get my DS back. We use Positive Discipline (by Jane Nelson) with him. We threaten him with tickles and hugs and squeezes; which is working better than anything else right now. He is extremely angry with me (not my husband, btw); and very quick-to-frustration. On the flip-side, when he is not in meltdown mode, is his extreme clinginess or quiet solitude. We are all about the snuggles here; but it is just so sad to see him like this. My husband and I are at odds as to what to do. Corporal punishment is out of the question with him. He is a train-wreck. He has been bottling-up his frustrations inside, as he is still not as verbal as most. He will express his emotions ("I am frustrated," "scared," "tired," "angry..."), but details of the what's and why's are few and far between. Any advice is greatly, hopefully appreciated.

He has zero outside activities right now, as he is extremely resentful of authority figures currently. We tried an outside homeschool morning (with Classical Conversations), which was a nightmare for him (looked great to me) - and we stuck it out the entire time. We tried to start swimming again last week, which resulted in much crying and more frustration. Thankfully the director there also had a gifted child; but never saw a child as traumatized as him. She talked to him respectfully though; and we are going to try again this week with a private lesson.

I am trying to homeschool him. He is one to learn quickly - once and done... So, my traditional schooling is failing. His once very good focus is so distracted these days. It is like he is recalling some bad experiences. He does much better when he is playing on his Leapster or on the computer, instead of looking at papers and filling in blanks. He is extremely active as well. It was great last week when he initiated a game of "take away." He literally ran away with cards and hid them in my kitchen cabinets as I asked him how many I had left...I praised God for that one!!!

Sorry so long. I really just want to know if anyone "lost" their kid like this, and if they can offer any help. He is currently sleeping with us at night due to his having nightmares. If we don't get him awake right away and calm him instantly, it gets really bad. Right now he is yelling "no Mommy," or "Stop"??? I know that he is angry with me for having him there; but I also caught his last teacher say "come to Mama" once.

I am becoming sleepless (in north Atlanta), and am becoming an emotional train wreck myself. I am proud of myself for my calmness in this all though. Please, please help us to help him.

I don't know anything about Positive Discipline, but I think that right now he needs firm limits to help him feel secure that you are in charge and are going to take good care of him.

Are you feeling guilty about placing him in that school? If you are concerned that this teacher was abusive in some way, have you considered counseling for your DS?

We are being ultra-consistent in his limitations right now. He does need that; and he knows that we are there for him. We do not lecture in the moment of the meltdown. We do try to talk him down, to express how he is feeling in words, and to make a good choice. Recently I have been saying "this is not my 'his name' "; and he agrees; and it helps. He is a very logical thinking kid. We will talk about his feelings and ours later in a calm time.

The teacher was not abusive; but she postively stepped over teacher/student boundaries with all of "her kids." There was no control over the hitting in the school, as well. It was so out of control. And was our final straw.

As far as counseling goes, I have considered it; but a bad counselor who doesn't undersand our kids could be equally as bad. Thank you!

I think I'd be careful about using the metaphor of having lost your child, actually, especially when you're talking to him, but even to yourself. This is him: this is how he is right now, these feelings he's expressing are what he's feeling right now. His behaviour may not be the behaviour you want to see from him, but I think it could be dangerous to encourage him to disown his feelings or behaviour. [ETA: To be more positive, what I mean is, I think it might be more productive in the long run to help him see that he feels how he feels, and then he chooses how to speak or act: his words and actions are his, and he can choose to change them, if he sees a good reason to do so, e.g., that he is hurting someone else.] Just my 2pworth.

Here's a few ideas. Get her outside doing physical stuff like walks in the park, playground, bike riding, ect. Spend lots of time loving her up and one on one. She may benefit from some nonschool type learning approaches with classes from the Zoo, Museums, Library, Recreations centers, ect. Try to be relaxed and happy. Kids pick up on your vibes and that can be reflected in their behavior.

I have felt like I lost my children at times and made the situtation more than it was in my mind. (Please don't think I'm belittling your situation.) I have to remind myself to keep it small. My DS at 8, had a 10% test, while an A student. This did not mean he was totally lost as a student but at the time I felt like it. Really it just means we need to change something to make it better. I'm very passionate about my son's education and know it is very important to his self esteem.

Hug. Hang in there.

This sounds like a wise idea. I think that right now, your curriculum has to be 'find out what nurtures our family' so outside time, limit screen time and low nutrition food, seeking nurturing social time might be the goals for now.

I can see how a narrowly envisioned Montessori Program could be very wearing on a small giftie.

You mentioned that you were 'at odds' with DH on over finding a parenting perspective that fit. That can be tough. ((hugs))
Grinity

Thank you so much for all of the support and advice.
-ColinsMom: I totally want him to express his feelings and own them. I just didn't want him to hit anymore. We know that his meltdowns are the result of his bound up frustration; they've just been at inopportune times and places, unfortunately. And I could care less what others think when they have been happening, because these strangers don't have a clue from where they stem. Thank you.:)
-gratified3: I just don't want him to get bored; and I want him to know that the opportunity to learn new things is still available for him at home. And he likes doing workbook sheets at times. I have been trying to see where he is mentally (stress-wise) lately as well. I agree with not giving them to him, or trying to get him to focus if he is not in the mood. Thank you.
-masterofnone: I often told DS to tell his teacher if he got hit, etc. and she would take care of it. The 3 of us discussed it; and she said she would; but she didn't to his (nor my DH's and my) satisfaction. We have apologized to him for this; and the fact that his teacher was not telling us everything. We told him that he needed to tell us; but he would just say, "the kids are frustrating me" but not how or why. He did say that they hit; and we had numerous discussions with his teacher. She basically said that she used to use time outs; but now she thought that apologizing was enough. The "fairness factor" came into play, I'm sure. So the teacher was not "handling it properly" - the same as in his last pre-school last year.
-onthegomom and Grinity: I will try the more physical "learning" with him...zoo, botanical gardens, etc. That is great advice; and allows us both to get out of the house. Taking more breaks for snuggles and just concentrating on him and his play interests seems to be helping some. Our reconnecting with eachother and reassuring him that he can trust me seems to help as well. My DH and I aren't at odds with eachother, just at odds in our heads, btw.:) And we don't discuss DS in front of him. Seeking the nurturing social time with age peers is tough. I haven't really been able to find a nice kid with whom he can play. Going to the park with him usually ends with disappointment caused by mean kids; so we rarely go there anymore.
Thank you all again for the hugs and support. All good stuff!!:)

Any suggestions about when to introduce "authority" figures back into his routine (swim lessons, or other type classes? Someone suggested an art class. Thank you in advance!

I don't know whether this is similar, but my son had a similarly terrible time with his first preschool (a perfectly fine school, by the way) and still remembers how sad and lonely he was there, and how bored. Our solution was to put him in a wonderful, stimulating and not-very-structured co-op preschool. It took 2-3 months for him to separate from me, which meant I was going to preschool that whole time, but it was a lovely, nurturing place that he grew to love. Just a thought. Good luck!

We have one more pre-k option. I am going to visit soon to see their set-up. My DS is not currently ready to trust yet; and they definitely would not allow me in the classroom. He has had 2 good days in a row now though...able to calm himself succesfully without a total meltdown. So, hopefully things are looking up. It is definitely going to take some time and patience on all of our parts. This particular school has two openings and is allowing him time. They said they would let me know if the openings were close to being filled, as he needs to have an in-class interview (all day without me) to see if he is a good fit for everyone in the class. They seem to be experienced with these situations. Unfortunately, I believe that the amount of time he takes won't matter. I think that he will still go in and test, test, test the teachers to make sure that they handle issues appropriately. Thank you!

My suggestion is not so much *when* but *how*.

Whenever you decide the time is right to sign up for a class/lesson/etc ... I would talk to the teacher in advance. I would explain that your ds is a sensitive little guy and ask if it would be possible for you to come visit the teacher and see the room either one day or one week prior to the start of class (my dd always kept track of days of the week on which she had classes, so for her one week ahead worked best). I think this works better than simply showing up early, because you go on that "preview" day with no pressure and no expectations. Another thing that I have heard works well is to have the teacher on that "preview" day ask your child to "come to class early and help me with xyz." (it really doesn't matter the task -- moving mats, filling water bottles, etc. -- but it helps the child feel included and important). This also ensures you are not rushing on the day the class begins, since both you and ds are planning to get there early.

Hope that helps! Please keep us posted on his progress.