Our DD 4 has infrequent meltdowns during our homeschooling time, but nonetheless, they are total meltdowns that just shock us, since it is out of her character.

We thought things through and recognized that it seems to build over the months and then just explode. During these meltdowns, we attempt to talk to/reason with her, however it is as if she doesn't want to be the intelligent gifted girl at that moment, and she just wants to/needs to have a totally unreasonable fit. Almost as if saying, "I know I shouldn't be reacting this way, and it frustrates me that my emotions are controlling my logic...but let me do it".

We find that just sitting quietly in the room with her (at her level, if she is on the floor - I sit on the floor, if she is on her bed - I sit at the foot of her bed) without talking to her or even touching her...just being there for her. She seems to get it all out and then still grunting/or sobbing/or even still grumbling she will start to nudge or bump up against me getting closer (I still say nothing, but open my posture up, allowing her to settle into my arms or lap if she chooses). This then turns into me holding her (still silent) as her breath returns to normal. I then ask if she is okay, and we get up and go back to whatever we were doing.

We do not speak about the incident, since she knows I was there witnessing it, and still stayed and allowed her to be her. (Trust me, there are many moments in my life when I react irrationally, and can get defensive when called on it...mostly out of embarrassment...nobody wants to talk about their embarrassing moments)

We only figured this out after one day when we were working on a LA assignment writing a poem about feelings, and she chose to write this:

My Mood
When I am mad
& I don’t know why
I shout “I don’t want to be glad”
Just let me cry!

I think that is when we started to just sit with her and let her deal with it the way she needed to.

I always try to reason with her at a level beyond her years, since that is how she herself likes to be dealt with, however, I do see the glimpses of a 4 year old every now and then just wanting to be 4. And I need to let her be her. :-)

Thanks everyone. As usual, very insightful and very helpful. I'm so grateful for you all.

Jen

Hello everyone,

I found this forum by accidentally googling "perfectionism meltdowns". And I have tears in my eyes as I'm reading your posts. Tears of relief. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been these past few years. DD is 5 and every day brings meltdowns due to anything and everything that isn't perfect - socks, blankets, the way she spells the letter "e", her chair at the dinner table. And like one of the moms mentioned, when DD is hungry it is 10 times worse, but she'll never ever say she's hungry. So, to JenSMP: thank you so much for mentioning that. I can't tell you how much it helps to hear this about another child.

DD won't even try to do something until she is sure she can do it perfectly. And we want to homeschool - how on earth am I going to handle that?

The good news is that after reading your posts and a few other sites, I now know that perfectionism is hereditary and I now know who is largely to blame - me. I never realized before just how much of a perfectionist I am. I think I've been able to avoid seeing it by pretending that being perfect didn't really matter.

So it looks like this will be a growing process for DD and I. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you won't mind if I regularly join the discussion. I don't know if my daughter is actually gifted (although she is extremely intelligent and articulate), but you sound like a wonderful group of people whose support and understanding I could really use from time to time. Hopefully, I'll be able to reciprocate as well.

Warmly,
Rhonda

welcome.

Can I recommend Freeing Our Families From Perfectionism by Thomas Greenspon?

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Families-P...129&sr=1-11

DS7 is perfectionist. His perfectionism peaked when he was in K in Montessori. It was a disaster. I too was worried its role in homeschooling. To my big surprise it got better. As long as he has a challenging material he is fine. For him it's ok to make mistakes when he is learning something new and difficult.

One of the high points of the last year was when he said that getting 90% (or may be even lower) on a difficult test was good!

Rhonda, welcome to the forum. It's been a Godsend for me!

It's interesting that you have come to recognize perfectionism in yourself. The more I learn about it, the more I understand myself as both a child and an adult. Quite an "aha moment" for me! I can't figure out if I've taught him to be a perfectionist, modeled the behavior, or if it's just something that comes with giftedness (ds and I are both gifted-I never really thought about my giftedness as anything special; of course I probably fall more into the mildly gifted range while ds is certainly highly gifted+. He also has some asynchronous development going on, and I probably did too2e). My older step-brother is HG/PG, and according to my step-dad, his childhood behavior, interests, thought processes, perfectionism, etc were identical to what we see in my ds6. So, there's no blood relation there; maybe it's just something that goes along with giftedness.

Another interesting thing I just discovered is that ds and I have the exact same Meyers-Briggs personality profile. I've always heard that the behaviors that bother you the most in other people are the ones you don't like to see in yourself (though on some level you usually know you have them!). Makes sense to me b/c he and I are so much alike. I just don't want him to struggle with the same things I have throughout my life. Not that I've had a terrible life, but I think I can make it harder than it needs to be sometimes.

Not only does he have the perfectionist meltdowns, he also deals with the hypersensitivities that you mentioned (socks don't feel good, tags in shirt "hurt," noises are too loud, in constant motion, food pickiness, the list goes on...). The hypersensitivites/sensory issues have gotten much better with age and continue to do so. The perfectionism, unfortunately, is getting worse, but it's nice to know others are dealing with the same issues. Maybe it's not totally "normal" but it's certainly not "abnormal." (Whatever that is! LOL)

Again, I'm glad you are here. You'll find an amazing support system on this site. I've found it to be such a blessing.

Jen

My DD6 has some issues with perfectionism but it has gotten much better. When she gets her homework back and something is circled wrong she erases it and fixes it.

It's like her wiping up her spilled milk, she fixes it, forgives herself, and feels better. My reaction to this helps too. My DH
had to really work on this.

This is very simplistic. Please don't think I'm belittling your situation. But this has truly helped our family. I think kids pour their own milk in important just for this reason.

I just found an interesting way to encourage. We all want to say "Do your best" For our kids that means perfection, whoa no pressure there. It suggested that we say " do or show your best effort" ultimately that's all we can ask of anyone.

What are some alternative ways to express anger that have worked for your children? And what are some ways that kids can relieve their frustration in a healthy way?

Thanks!

We have tried all sorts of things- if the problem is related to schoolwork/homework, we take a break and do something, anything! else. My DD loves art, so we often start making or crafting something, cook something in the kitchen, etc. My son is best if left to himself for a bit. He often will calm down after playing on the computer or Wii, or going outside to swing, play with a ball, or just mess around. They both enjoy music, and that helps, too. Sometimes if they will do it, we will gather and read together, often something like poems or short stories. I think journal writing would be great for this, but my kids both dislike writing

On a more long-term basis, we really do best with regular exercise. My kids really shied away from traditional sports, but have thrived with swimming (but not competitively) and martial arts. Martial arts, in particular, has been great for the perfectionism. Each kid is on his own timeline and the class is all at different belt/skill levels, so there is no real direct comparison between the kids- the emphasis is on improving yourself, and helping your junior classmates learn/improve. Trying is as important as achieving, and perseverance, attitude, etc, are stressed.

We have also tried more formal "stress-relief" techniques (yoga, deep breathing, guided imagery) but my DD resisted this and we never got into the habit.