Why do people, when they hear that you are homeschooling, invariably feel the need to tell you why they could NEVER teach their own children? Some people follow it up with, "I give you credit." or "You're braver than I am." or "I commend you for that, but...."

My choice to homeschool is a personal one based on our personal circumstances; it is not a statement of belief, nor is it a dig on anyone else's choice to send their kids to school!!!!

I don't know why this bothers me so much. I guess it's because it sounds like a backhanded compliment. It's just very interesting that without question, the person I'm speaking to is going to tell me why they could NEVER homeschool, but "good for you!" Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent!

Having actually said this before and then having gone on to homeschool myself...

When I said it, I meant it as a compliment about the person's patience--admiration, even!--and a criticism of my own. I intended it as a comment on the way my personality would/wouldn't fit with my son's.

(It turned out I was wrong about that most of the time. We do fine personality-wise. I could use more patience, but even there I do better than I thought I would.)

My advice: take it as a sign of someone who wants to say something nice and who doesn't understand what homeschooling really is. You're probably dealing with someone who thinks--as I did--that homeschooling is 7 hours locked in a room alone with your children and a pile of workbooks. School at home, in other words.

And in fairness, I **COULDN'T** do that!

The thing is, of course, that that's not how most people homeschool. It certainly isn't the way it has to be if someone wants to do otherwise.

If you can help it, don't take it personally. You'll make yourself crazy. My usual response is something like, "If you can parent, you can homeschool. It's easier than you think it is. You may not *want* to homeschool, and that's fine. But you could do it if you wanted to or needed to."

If they pursue it, I tell them more about homeschooling. If not, I drop it. I'm not out to "convert" anyone.

HTH!

I think it sounds like a backhanded compliment because it is a backhanded compliment.

ETA: I've used the phrase before, in relation to different things, and I've always meant it as a sort of gosh-I-don't-really-agree-but-there's-no-point-in-going-on-about-it statement.

Definitely not a back-handed compliment from me. I know several HS families and they've invariably raised HS as a possible solution to our variety of GT-ed challenges.

I generally inject a bit of humor -- firmly rooted in truth -- that were we to attempt such an undertaking, one or both of us (father and/or son) would end up buried in a box out in the woods.

So I genuinely give lots of credit, commendation, kudos, etc. because HS is not something everyone can do successfully.

What should people reply? When meeting people at kids activities it always starts with "what school do you go to?" and each says their school with nods and maybe a question like "where is that?" or "do you like it?", but when someone says they are homeschooling, it's like a silence drops on everything, then someone fills the silence with a comment such as those listed above. Kind of an awkward moment where a social difference comes to light and you are trying to make sure you show deference to make the person feel comfortable.

I don't have a choice in my public school so nobody makes a comment on my choice. When the homeschooler pipes up, it's like everyone is waiting for an explanation of why they chose that.

Any homeschoolers have a suggestion of how you would like those conversations to go?

What would you (homeschoolers) like us (public schoolers) to say?

I'm coming to appreciate the "couldn't do it" comments more than I used to. Homeschooling isn't always easy, it's not always fun, and it can take a lot of time and energy. I take the "couldn't do it" comment as a nod to the effort expended.

I really do wonder sometimes about families (specific ones we know IRL - not a veiled reference to anyone here) who homeschool when it's NOT working out at all, when they have practically insurmountable obstacles, have to give up more time, energy and money than they have available, move heaven and earth... and it's still not working out. Really, in those cases I'd rather hear them say they couldn't do it.

In terms of its relationship to GT-ed challenges, I've always started from the stance that no situation is perfect. In our case homeschooling is a heck of a lot better than our other options. But there are options in other places that would be a heck of a lot better than my homeschooling... and the options we have here might be better than homeschooling for some families, or for some kids in some families. In our case I expect we'd be moving heaven and earth to get the schools to be a good fit for DS... and it still wouldn't work out.

What would public schoolers like to hear when they state their choices? I'd imagine something like, "How do you like it?" Or, "Is that the school over on ____ street with the big playground?" Or maybe, "My nephew went there and he loved it." How would you feel if you said you were sending your kid to Jefferson and someone responded by saying, "Wow, I could never do that. You're braver than I am."???

I think generally if you don't have something positive or neutral to say, questions are a good idea. Perhaps just one basic question, if you don't want to get involved in a lengthy discussion, and then an "oh, okay" and a subject change.

Frankly, I'm not sure there's a better thing for most people to say. That's why I suggest not taking it personally.

When I hear "Wow, good for you. I could never do that," I think of it the way I think of "How do you do?": most people who say it are just doing their best to be polite and don't really care that much. In the case of homeschooling, that's probably a good thing, really. But even if they are judging me, so what? As you say, JenSMP, it's a choice based deeply in specifics. They don't know my specifics, so with time I've found it becomes a lot easier to shrug off their misguided judgements.

I guess I think the important thing for non-homeschoolers to know is that there's a period for most new homeschoolers that feels very raw. It's hard to be different, and homeschooling is different. It's a very scary leap to make, and even if you're not being judged, you feel like you are. Often comments from others touch on our own fears of not being good enough. So, yeah, even well-intended comments can hurt.

Maybe since you all know us, you could say something like, "I have some friends who homeschool, and I know it's a big decision. How's it going for you?" or something like that. Something neutral--since I don't know how any of you actually feel about homeschooling and don't want to dictate to you--but that's supportive of the homeschooler's feelings?

Maybe this doesn't work for all cases, but I guess I'd have preferred to hear this over "I could never do that."

The only danger I can see is if you run into someone who doesn't understand that you're just trying to be polite and actually tells you all about how it's going...

I'm curious, because I know more and more families choosing this option, and it's NOT the big "unknown" it used to be for me, and I want to respect and encourage as best I can (without saying the wrong thing of course). And I have used the "I couldn't do that" line. I'm also very curious about their reasons and their progress, because I love all things educational. For no5 though, I have to say that I have had "I'm sorry to hear that" in response to our own public school choice, .

Thanks for the tips!

It's funny, but I find myself saying the same thing ("I don't know how you do it!) to other homeschoolers who are schooling more children than I am!!! While I am truly loving homeschooling my son, I couldn't imagine taking on my other 5 children right now. So, when I meet a mom who is schooling 2 or more kids at home, I am always amazed and usually find myself saying the same lame things people say to me!

Ouch.

Frankly, what you just wrote there sounds great to me, Dottie! Especially if you do want to hear more about it, then saying this sounds really supportive and opens the door to a good conversation.

Honest interest, expressed honestly, is never a bad thing, IMHO. You're very unlikely to say something offensive if you know a little something about the choice (as you certainly do!) and you ask kindly.

HTH!

Thanks everyone. Kriston, you have some VERY good points that relate directly to my frame of mind right now. We are very new to homeschooling, and it still seems like a radical choice. It's hard when you feel judged, especially when you know you'd probably never make this decision in a million years if you had a better option! I'm not saying that b/c I have negative feelings towards homeschooling, but it's VERY difficult for me to do this. I had to quit my job, so now we have one income. Also, I lack patience on a grand scale, and dealing with my son's inattention in an academic setting is not easy. I find it a struggle to keep him challenged and interested, and I feel a great sense of responsibility to make sure I am doing my job well. No wonder they couldn't do it in a classroom of 27 children; it's a struggle for me to do it one-on-one! I don't regret the decision one minute. It's what we needed to do, and it's certainly the best option for us right now. Regardless of our issues, we are seeing great success.

So, it's probably some of my own insecurity that causes me to take those comments so personally. I'll try to keep all of your points of view in mind and take them to heart. I personally would love to hear a response like, "Really? When do you start homeschooling? What led you to that decision? Are you enjoying it? Is it going well? Good for you!" The thing is, when people say, "I could never do that." it sounds more like "I WOULD never do that!"

Again, maybe it's my own insecurity. I'm certainly not a person who set out to homeschool, and I'm as surprised as anyone else to be in this situation! I'd also love to have the freedom to discuss giftedness if someone does actually ask why we chose to homeschool. That's another awkward topic. People seem to take it like you are bragging about your child. At least that's how I feel. It's hard to explain that giftedness means a lot more than being "smart." I usually just say we have some unique challenges that we are addressing, and I usually add that we are continuing to search for a school setting that works for our son. And, I add that we are not likely to change our current homeschool situation until we find something that works equally as well or better.

no5no5-thanks for siding with me! ; ) LOL

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts. As always, it helps so much!

Ah, JenSMP, BTDT! I completely understand. You're describing me two years ago, just about to the day!

I'd bet that you're right that a good part of your reaction is the insecurity. I can say that because I have the benefit of hindsight, and I know how I felt then compared to how I feel now.

You know, I got into the only argument I've ever been in about our choice to homeschool VERY shortly after we pulled DS8 (then 6) for emergency homeschooling. The "friend" wasn't nice to me, certainly, and she absolutely WAS judging me. (Attacking me is more like it...) But if she said the same thing to me today instead of then, I'd just let it roll off me. I no longer feel the need to defend my choice, I know in my gut (not just my head) that we're doing the right thing for our specific situation, and I don't care what she or anyone else thinks. Today, I'd ignore her. But back then, just a week or two into homeschooling, I was still too raw to be attacked like that.

That's a long way of saying that I know how you feel, JenSMP, and it's normal. It's also a long way of saying that things will get better. Actually, I've been amazed at how supportive the vast majority of our public school friends and neighbors have been with our choice.

It gets better.

HTH!

I have a similar response when talking about why we homeschool, and I don't like it. I feel like it doesn't serve DS well by being so modest and implying that we are homeschooling because of his issues. I feel like I need to come up with a pat response that is more respectful to DS and his strengths. I will find myself talking in hushed tones about how DS needs intensive one-on-one work with phonics and reading instruction because he may have some degree of dyslexia, but leaving out how far advanced he is in every other area and how he asked me to homeschool so he could study Chemistry. He's 6, so I'm afraid this answer would elicit quite the raised eyebrows. I haven't found a comfortable way to state the positive reasons we decided to homeschool this year without being self deprecating, or worse, diminishing the strengths of my son. I would like to come up with a canned response I can use comfortably whether DS is part of the conversation or not, but then that brings in the whole awkward "gifted" theme...

It's tough. My best response is to lower my voice so as not to sound braggy, to say that DS8 is "pretty bright," and to conclude that our school system is a good one, but that it just wasn't working for our specific kid. Less is more, so I usually change the subject unless the other person actively pursues the topic further.

I do not claim that this is the perfect response. But it seems to meet my requirements of 1) not making me sound like a bragging jerk, 2) being accurate, in the sense of not making my son sound like a juvenile deliquent or as if he's at the complete opposite end of the Bell Curve from where he really is, 3) not sounding like I'm putting down the other parent's school choice, and 4) being acceptable for me to say in front of my child without making me cringe. This is not an easy list of criteria to meet!

It has gotten good response from people I've used it on, so it seems to work. Granted, I don't know what people say when they walk away from me, but I have made new friends with people upon whom I've used this technique, and the neighbors I've told still like us and have my kids over. So it seems to be okay.

<shrug>

I usually respond that my DS has unique abilities which require an education that the school can't offer. If asked to elaborate, I do. If not, they are left to draw their own conclusions.

Those are great suggestions. MAE, I can totally relate. I don't like feeling like I'm slamming my child when I'm really very proud of him. He DOES have unique needs, but I doubt the person I'm talking to thinks, "oh, he must be gifted," when I say that. Haha!

So, we'll see how it goes. I'm able to be open and honest with my good friends whose kids attend the school we just pulled out of. I tell them that the school is great for kids who are advanced, but it just didn't work well for my son. I add that all kids are different, and we sure wish it had worked out because we like the school so much. I'm honest with them about the giftedness, but by adding the thing about it being a challenging school for advanced kids, they don't think I'm knocking their kids' intelligence.

It's usually people I don't know that give me the less-than-desirable responses. But, I probably shouldn't care what people think if I don't even know them! Then, there's the older folks, mother, in-laws, etc. who just aren't open minded about homeschooling in general. Kriston, I'm hoping to adopt your attitude very soon!

Thanks again for everyone's responses.
Jen

It's the first year jitters. Give it a few months and this statement will no longer bother you. It really is an equivalent of "How are you?" You will get there too, trust me.

I think most of the people feel this way at first when they are put into a situation that it's out of the norm. It's not only homeschoolers but also parents who accelerate their children, send them to college early, etc.

When we started homeschooling it took me a few months before I felt like I didn't own any explanation to other people. If they ask why why we homeschool I say that DS7 is 4 grades ahead in math and DS5 is reading Harry Potter I say it as a matter of fact and it usually takes care of it. I very often add that the kids attend a private school 2 afternoons/week which takes care of the possible questions about socialization

DS7 went to private K and I think people gave me much harder time then than when we started hs. Sending my child to a private school was taken as a clear sign of me not liking the public school where all the other kids went. The fact that we are homeschooling now is way too crazy to really bother most of the people

Love that, LMom! Sometimes it pays to just embrace the crazy. LOL!

To embracing the crazy, !

Time to pass the virtual bottle?

I'll drink to that!

Me too

Bottoms up!