Hello!

I am sorry to bother you, but I have no where else to go, to relieve my mind of endless subjects.

I am a sixteen year old boy, and feel different from other people my age.

Even though I share many of the traits of gifted people, I'm unsure if I really am one when I read about the amazing feats these children have managed to do.

What I am, is nothing extraordinary to the naked eye, and so I fear for rejection in this audience. I'm going to try explain it anyways.

I'll start with an example. One day, I thought about punishment for criminals. My mind shifted through different opinions. I had the opinion of a good person, and an evil person. I meant that the criminal was a scum, and should be disposed, and at the same time, I meant that every person deserves a second chance, or unlimited chances.

This is just an example, that my alignment is splitted. My thoughts agree with both.

Another thing is that my conscious is wierd. I observe how I feel from a third view. It's like I got two layers of conscious. I know that a good comedy will make me happy, and I've observed how quick that can change when my parents nag me. I feel my mother has the same problem, she easily bursts into being really mad and complaining at everything, and the next day she loves me like nothing ever happened.

I have never but once succumbed into rage, but that was a long time ago when I still was a child. I can see myself getting really angry, and the other day I felt like throwing my cell out of the car because of frustration(I had forgotten my bag on a bus, managed to retrieve it later though.), but on the other had, I know that anger leads to nothing, so I stay calm.

I like being alone, because I've learned that the people in my surrounding always want me to be something I'm not, they always want me to do chores and they are just breaking the balance. I feel balance when I'm alone in my room, listening to calming music and far away in my thoughts. Which is what I call tranquility, it's like a perfect harmony in me.

I'm observing everything that happens inside of me, but it has its flaws. Like I can make wrong assumptions and I start thinking wierd and overcomplicating things.

More about what I like. I am an academically failure, or at least I will be soon. I feel like I am drawn towards things of learning. Why am I reading all these articles on gifted people, and using all my time on it? Why did I in my younger ages let myself be drained in the Wikipedia pages about WW2? History teaches our faults. And Giftedness is what advances our civilization, and it also teaches us about uniqueness and genetic varation. Everyone is different.

I am fascinated by the bigger picture, and I'm desperate with getting remembered in the history books, though as I mature I see no way of it happening. I want to contribute.

I read the educational quotes on Hoagiesgifted. And all the quotes there is preaching the exact different message than what modern education is. How come are we so primitive? How come we know all this and practice the exact opposite?

I'm from Norway and I've concluded that the school system is flawed to the maximum. The grades are all about attaining high amounts of spesific knowledge. Our education plan says that we need to understand these specific topics after x'th grade.

I thrived in the first ten grades in norwegian school, but now in the 'high-school' equivilent, I am faltering and failing. I don't remember details and how I write is obviously not synced with my teachers. I thought I was smart, but I'm starting to accept that I'm not. I'm accepting that I'm not as good, because I just aren't made that way. I'm actually attaining reasonable calm with it, as I have lost sight of the meaning of the curriculum I'm presented with.

Another observation, I change as I write down my thoughts, I think it through, so If what I wrote at first don't match with the last I'm writing, that's the reason.

Lastly, I just want to say that I idolize all the parents here, your kindness and love for your children is extraordinary. I am glad you respect your children's uniqueness and I hope you become good example for other current and future parents. I believe that all children have a genious in them, it's just a matter of giving them the will, the support and the inspiration to pursue it.

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts, any advice, just an assessment and viewpoint is appreciated. I just don't want to be alone.

Welcome TommyH,

I am glad that you are here with us, and thank you for your lovely compliment.



I think that this is very interesting idea. Actually I don't think that intellectual giftedness is what advances our civilization - i think love is what does it!
Love of learning, love of family, love of our neighbors, love of acheivement, love of being in history books, love of our destiny.

But I do think that every person is unique, a gift from god if they are intellectually gifted or not. So, I say to you, school is not meeting your needs right now, you are not able to show your gifts and talents. See if you can find a mentor to help you get what you can from the system, or find a new situation. To be honest, I breezed through elementary school and middle school, and it was only in High School that I started to understand that developing my unique gifts was going to be painful! Then in college it got 'really painful.' This doesn't mean I wasn't gifted, or got less gifted, just that I had to learn how to study.

A book I love about this is 'Learning Outside the Lines.' Wow!

Anyway - I think you are very insightful to realize that writing is a way to know what is on your mind, and I hope that you continue to write to help you think. I also think about things from so many perspectives, seemingly all at once, that if I don't talk or write to someone who I care about, I would never know what I believed at all!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I was referring to people like Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton, but as I read your reply I started to think differently. I think there's a candle in all of use. An unborn star. I feel, many people who have achieved great things, like the Founding Fathers, Ceasar, Stalin, JFK etc. had their candle lit. They illuminated our universe and our history was changed forever. Bad or good deeds, history teaches us what is right or wrong by the use of consequenses. I'm not saying that bad leaders who killed many peoples were good, but I'm saying that their actions are people shaping ones. It is like a burning soul.



I need to find this book somewhere, I will ask my parents if I can buy it with their card on the internet ^^ (It didn't show up in our library.)



Thank you, Grinity. Your insight is extreamly helpful. It really moved my heart when I first read your reply, I seem to find home with people who I am alike.

I don't want to be invasive, but could you tell me how you went through your early adulthood? Nothing intimate of course, but I guess you understod that.

You see, when people is around 18 here, they will go out and drink.. And I really just feel like not to. I tried it once, but I didn't really get drunk, even though drinking fair amounts. No, it's not necesarry to discuss that. At least it feel horribly inappropiate in a forum where people are talking about their much younger children.

Another funny thing is that I got along with much older people. I get perfectly along with my brother who's 9 years older than me and his friends.

And of course, I am socially challenged.. So I've always thought about getting a girlfriend (I'm super sensitive about this.) but these days I don't think I have the time! I'm afraid I'm going to fall off track if I lose focus.. I really just want someone that understand me.

I'm revealing my life because I feel safe... I think people feel safe with people who are foreign... Actually quite funny, I was on a bus in Orlando, Floride last christmas, and some american ladies just started to converse, and a few moments later they was revealing their hardships with overweight sisters and their lives.

Me and my family was like 'keep it to yourself', because that's how things work here we live. But now I see that it's healthy to get things out...

I should do this with a psychologist, but I don't know where to find one I don't even think a psycologist would understand, or respect me the way you do... I'm sorry I'm not giving you money for what you're doing. You deserve it, you're helping countless of lives Grinity :P

Even though, If you're like me, then you're probably just happy to help the community. If I could help anyone, I would do so as well!

Thank You,
Tommy

Have you talked to your parents about this? What about your school? Is there one teacher that you have that you feel really close to? Maybe you can talk to your brother?

To my mind, common, ordinary, unknown people are often the ones who make the difference - but it's harder to notice. One example is the neighbor who makes phone calls for a polital candidate. Another example is when we 'win the hearts and minds' through local friendships with parents who don't have gifted kids, and they vote to increase the school budget so that more gifted kids can be accomidated in school. Also, I like to suppose that if Hitler, as a boy, had had one more level-headed and caring mentor that he would have grown up to be a different man. Of course no one knows this - but who knows how many 'there but for the grace of god' kids are out there who are helped by a caring adult? Since we will never know these answers, I choose to believe the perspective that help me get up in the morning. ((shrug))
Grinity

I really liked this book because it addresses an area called 'Executive Function' in a usable way. The authors of the book happen to have ADHD and a Learning Disability. They met at one of the US's most 'exclusive' colleges, so we can assume that they are gifted, at least moderately so, as well. Here, we call that '2E' or twice exceptional. I don't think that I am 2E myself, but I loved this book because my 'study skills'/'rear end power'/Executive Function was very weak after breezing through my earlier years of school. So I want to caution you that although the authors think that they are talking about 'how to overcome a disability' when I read the book, I am seeing good, practical advice for Gifties who never learned to study. I found that developing good study habits was a lot of learning to tolerate unpleasant feelings. Yuck! But SO worth it. I volunteered to be the 'Kitchen helper Mom' for my son's school activity this weekend. It's all stuff that I hate doing - BUT - I can't wait to finally met my son's classmates and the other parents, and this is what I have to do to put myself in that place - so I love knowing that I CAN do the work, with grace. Self-Disipline. I guess there must be someone, somewhere who can develop this without feeling emotional pain - but not me! And yet, what a prize! I have found it helpful to surround myself with other people who have the similar intention do develop their own Self-Disipline, because I don't mind suffering as much in a group.
Anyway - I'm not meaning to imply that you are 2E. I just think that each person is unique, and getting to figure out how to get the most out of school and find the balance between our authentic selves and conforming enough to get strokes from the teachers is worth reading about, and that the 2E folks have so much to teach about this.



Exactly Right! I've wanted to help others my whole life because it's fun. I love to be appreciated. Dr. Ruf says that lots of Gifties have an appreciation deficit because they weren't given enough thoughful appreciation as children. This is a relief to me, because I love to be appreciated. Nice to know that this isn't wrong. It still feels like a wrong thing to want - probably because I didn't get much of it as a child, and when I asked for appreciation back then, the Adult response was 'What?' ((embarassed giggle!))

Should you see a psychologist? If you are in any danger, then yes. But it is hard to find the right match. As a young adult I visited several and learned much at times. I also got involved with RC.org which was a great way for me to channel my intensity. I did find that many many people my own age were too interested in self-destructive behavior to be interesting to me. Luckily, in time I found those precious few same-age people, and they introduced me to more of their friends. I happen to be female, and 'attractive' so my struggle to find people to be with had a different slant. Difficult in it's own way, but I always work hard to help my son develop study skills as a child, because I don't expect him to be able to use the same stratagies that I used.

I would reccomend you to spend time with your brother's friends when possible, and look for friends of all ages. As for girlfriends, they do take up a lot of time and energy, so I would suggest that you look for friendship until you are more secure inside yourself - unless something wonderful just randomly occurs.

Welcome Home Dear!
Grinity

I told my mother that I had difficulties in school, but she just said that I had to work harder. She actually said that she couldn't pursue a higher education, because she simply couldn't handle it. I think I'm quite alike my mother, it is just that she doesn't have the solution.

I'm not really close to my father, it's a more respect thing. I love him for the fact that he provides for me with all my needs, but I would never bother him with my mind stuffs.

About teachers... I once had a great teacher, but he's out of my life and I don't want to bother him... I started at a new school, and our 'high-school' is supposed to make you more independant, so I'm not exactly bonding as much with the teachers sadly.

My brother wouldn't understand... We have a more materialistic relationship. I just wouldn't want to be in that situation.

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Bottom line is that it sucks to see flaws and not be able to do anything about it. It sucks to ask for help, even though people encourage you to. It sucks to be unwanted, to be someone else just to be accepted. My problems which define me isn't wanted by anyone.
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Grinity, I see your point of view about Love... I understand it. Though, I would have never thought about it that way if you didn't tell me. Thank you!
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Thank you a thousand times!
Sincerely, Tommy H.

Ugh.. We wrote at the same time ^^ Thank you very much for your replies Grinity... My post is towards everything above your last post!

*I'm sorry about my thoughtful outburst.*

Send an email or call this person. Say that you don't want to be a bother, and how can you be a helper...that you are looking to get involved with something larger than yourself. Let him know how warmly you remember him. That is a small but key way to bless someone.


We all have days like this. Look up

I have a lot fewer days like this now since -
1) I started spending 'cybertime' with people who like and appreicate me.
2) I got things right at school for my son
3) I came to accept and understand myself as I am - with all my differences
4) I started to be able to help others.

Hint, Hint - if you want to feel better, find someway to contribute to another person. Be one of those unsung heros to someone else. Even by posting here your memories of being a gifted child with helpful suggestions, or by posting appreciations to the parents here. But I would encourage you to 'get out of your head' and look at the little positive differences you can make in the world. I know as a parent that every bit of consideratness from my son lights up my whole world. Even learning something from a parent helps them feel better. Are you a good cook? Seems to me like there is always something to learn in the kitchen. All the voices in your head that say 'I don't want to' - they are the enemy! Laugh at them if you can!

smiles - grinity

I edited out a few things from my post, they were negative and should not be recorded ^^

I think I'm gonna send a message to my teacher :P

Thank you for your great and magnificent advice!

I'm going to try to help people more!

I read this article.. http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/Lind_OverexcitabilityAndTheGifted.shtml -> from the link you gave me.

And I'm like horribly associated with Sensual Overexcitability. It is funny to read about it.

Also, I'm kinda magnetic towards talented people, and I'm really drawn towards you :P I'd love to grow up to have your traits.

Hi TommyH,

I'm just reading a book called "smart girls" and it has tough me a lot about myself. I bought it to learn about my daughter. Someone here said that there is one for boys too ("smart boys"), I might get it for my husband.

I have read and experienced that it is very common to feel overwhelmed by school when it changes. I personally had a small dent in my confidence when I started high school. I tough that I was supposed to know all the math and it was a shock to see that in advanced math I was actually supposed to learn something new. Same thing happened in first semester in grad school, I failed an exam the first time in my life and almost could not handle it. I took me a year to find the courage to redo the exam and I had nightmares about not graduating because of this relatively easy class.

You have to believe in yourself and keep on trying. At some point it is not that much about being smart or gifted it is more about how much you are willing to work. It is especially hard to work towards something you do not prefer but those things have to be done too. Trust me I know it, I'm still struggling with laziness (should be working but actually I'm here LOL)

You seem to know you are different and smart. Try to believe in yourself and work towards your goals. You do not need to be one of the best students in your school, you just need to perform well enough to pursue your dreams after high school.

Tommy, I think you've gotten quite a lot of good advice. I'm going to build a little on just one point ... being of service to others.

Finding a way to help people could make a big difference for you with social interactions, whether it's volunteer work or a retail or customer service job. I have often found that, if I have a job to do, and if I am in some way "in charge" of doing something for someone, I have a much easier time talking, both in terms of pleasantries (how are you today, fine weather we're having, will that be cash or charge) and then, down the road, more involved conversation.

I remember years ago when I was a Saturday afternoon bartender. Business was slow at that time of day, so I got conversational practice with the few customers I had, but also had a ready exit (oh, I'm running low on ice, gotta go!) when I needed it. During that time, when I went to a party where I knew very few people and was uncomfortable, I started emptying ashtrays. Even just croaking out "excuse me, can I dump this for you?" was enough to break the ice for me.

Now, I realize you can't put yourself in *exactly* that situation at 16, but you can look for opportunities in after-school activities, at the library, your local park district, hospital/nursing home, food pantry, etc. Get some practice getting out of your own head and see if it gives you a little relief and perspective.

Good luck!

Dear Tommy,

I just wanted you to know that I think it is ok to look at things from many perspectives, or to see many sides to an issue. It is not really necessarily a moral dilemma. You just see more than one option. I remember feeling this way when I was a kid. One of the things that some people can have is a gift of grace, you have the ability to understand life in a way many people can not. Please realize that this is not duplicity of your conscience but a gift of understanding. Many times DH and our kids will watch a movie and sympathize with the villain as well as all the characters in the movie. Some people are just not wired to see things in black and white. I agree that it is important for you to help others. Volunteering would be a way that you could make a big difference. My DF use to say you can hate a behavior but love the person. People who can see others this way can be very compassionate and loving. You can chose to make a big difference. Also we, my family and I, all have had the third person perspective. I find this happens when I am over analyzing and that I need to find something challenging and engaging to work on. Or at the very least logic puzzles can help. Keep busy and do good. You are at a point in your life when you get to chose who you are going to be. It sound like you have a great capacity for love. Choose love.

oli, BonusMom and skyward.

I can not thank you enough for your opinions, experiences and advices. The kindness of this community is beyond measure, and you are prime examples.(I am so feeling like a suck-up, please don't regard my comments badly, they are not of that nature. These are compliments born from gratitude.)

@oli
I appreciate that you tell me about how you went through school. It kind of gives me the feeling of having a 'second chance'. I always try to learn from others mistakes, what's the point of heading a direction if you know the location? I want to the place I want to be. I thank you for the motivation, I will heed your advice and work hard to get through!

@BonusMom
I see what you are saying. I have always been involved with Piano and Basketball, and that's like either individual, or within a closet society. I'm also a family person, spends a lot of time with my nearest cousins. I'm close to my family, that's what I'm trying to say, and to be honest, I am quite poorly trained for social interactions. I am horrible at doing conversations, and I should get out and start talking to people, there is just a lot of things going in the way. Mostly fear, and time issues.

The hardest thing is speaking with people you do not have anything in common with. People who are close to me already, and those I am comfortable with is much easier to talk to.

Just have a question. Do you like dancing? I just can not stand it. I just do not feel like it, though I am happy for those who have fun, but it is not fun for me. Seems like I am just not comfortable with the wasted movements ^^. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about proper dancing, but rather like shaking off to hiphop, party songs etc. things teenagers do.

@skyward
Thank you for the compliments. I like to be the nice guy.

About the third-person view in our minds. I have learned that it can deceive you. Even though we have understanding, we can understand in many different ways, but not necessary in style with other people. Have you ever wondered about people, what they were thinking? I can map people I know quite well, but some people I just have no idea what goes on in their heads.

Another thing is that I don't generalize. I got no prejudice, until the moment I observe them. I might quickly categorize them and then judge them upon first impressions. At least if that's the only impressions I get. Things may change after many meetings. People change. I'm just saying, that it's not perfect, it is quite flawed to be honest. But better than a normal persons nevertheless. (at least that is my opinion)

I am just saying, that is good to know what you're equipped with so you don't overdo yourself

Alright, here comes another question... Are you unbiased? Again, I'm quite neutral to things, or I have the options to be neutral. Like, if two persons get into a fight, I might team up with one of them because that person was my friend, but I'd still know inside me that the other person was right (if he was right). Again, this is the third person perspective thing.

Skyward, I will definately choose Love. Well, maybe Happiness is more important. I mean. Love is Happiness. So yeah, I'd go for Love :P I wish for my future family to be full of love and openness. Like your families.

Again, thank you a million timmes!

Sincerely, Tommy

Hi TommyH -
Great to have you here.
I'm thinking that before I met other gifted people, I didnt' realize how harshly I was always judging myself. Then I met lots of other gifted people and see that it's so common amoung us. I think that it is because we don't have much of a useful reference standard to compare ourselves to. Also, we tend to have such vivid and strong imagination. I used to think that if I could imagine a 'perfect way' to behave, that I should judge myself to that perfect standard. Now I see that as much as I want my perfect world to be the real world, it just isn't. And the actual, current world has so much good in it!

So, my guess is that while on one hand, there is always room for improvement in the social skills department, that you probably aren't as bad as you think. Therefore, it would be a shame to let fear of being unskilled stop you from getting more experience which would help you improve. Vicious circle - see? If it helps, praise yourself for being able to imagine what having totally wonderful social skills would be like, and give yourself permission to have 'mere mortal' level of social skills.

I hope this fits, if not, I hope it fits the lurker who is reading over our shoulders! ((giggle))
Grinity