Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Stressful grade skipping talk with teacher

Hi all,

My oldest is DYS, my youngest isn't yet. My youngest is also PG and we made the difficult decision to skip Kindergarten and put her in first grade this year, school has been in session for 7 weeks. Some of you might remember the mock letter that I got help with on this board for getting the conversation started with the school about grade skipping.

I am getting some general resistance from the teachers, just general doubt about why the skip was necessary, which is fine and I thought it would happen. Academically, she is doing great and actually interested in learning and enjoying the academics.

Socially, she is torn. While she likes some of the new kids, she sees her old K friends on the playground (it is a small school so they try to combine grades when possible on the playground) her teachers say that her eyes light up when she sees the K kids and only plays with them. Now, last year, in PreK, she was unhappy and felt like she had nothing in common with her same age friends, so this is a real switcheroo, or "grass is greener" situation. She just doesn't seem to be "gelling" yet with the new and older kids. The teacher said that the older kids like her, but it seems to be her decision to seek out the younger ones and doesn't really play with the older ones even if the K kids aren't there. My daughter told me that she is only "kind of happy, kind of not happy".

Does this sound like a situation where I just need to give it more time? This is stressful because I have the doubters anyway at the school because grade skipping seems odd and pushy to them, so with this now really adding to my stress.

Thanks!

Hi! I feel your pain and confliction. My DS also skipped K, but he wasn't at pre-k in the school so didn't know any of the kids anyhow. I think he is relating well and making some friends possibly as he prefers older kids...but there still was a question from the teacher about whose decision it was to skip him. She figured he is already ahead of 1st grade curriculum why would it matter if he was in K or first and wanted him to get more help with the social piece of school (not interrupting, raising hand, more independence, walking straight in a line, etc.) Anyhow, it is only the 4th week here and things are improving. But I know that any day he doesn't behave as good I feel a little anxious, even though I do still believe that first is a better fit.

I am glad that first it is a better fit for your DD academically. Is there a way that they could group her with some more kids in her class. My DS went to see a school counselor for a couple days with some other kids that were new to the school. They played games together and got to know eachother better. I wonder if they could group her with some other girls in class that she seems to relate to, to help her work on building those relationships. It may make her feel more comfortable. Even though some kids make friends quickly,it often takes about 6-7 weeks for most of those friendship things to start, so I don't think that is so unusual...plus your DD is used to the kids in K because she spent a year with them. And while it would be nice for her to have some friends in her classroom, I don't think it is a big deal if she wants to play with the K kids outside and work with and play with the other kids inside the classroom. Or I also wonder if she could have some playdates with some kids from her classroom as well. That may help things a little. It's tough. I wish there was a complete fit for social and academics for our kids, but it just doesn't seem to work that way.

Thanks, both of you. I am doing both: playdates with first grade kids and playdates with her old K friends. I figure that if she does play in a concentrated way with her old friends here and there, then she'll feel satisified that she sees them. Of course, the playdates with the new kids are even more important, I have two scheduled.
I wish the school would stop hinting that I am a bad pushy parent!

Great! I was going to suggest playdates with the K friends too, glad you are already doing it. Must be pretty busy at your house : ) I hope the school settles down, that is quite frustrating and it isn't good to get that vibe from people.

I would definitely just give it more time. Sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her transition and I agree with masterofnone - does it really matter who she plays with if she is happy?
It took my DS a good few months to settle into his skip and frienship was the part that took the longest - of course!

He's now six months in and very settled; with friends all over his school by the way (the grade below, the same grade and the grade above).

Very early into the skip, his teacher too made me feel like she was second-guessing the decision for the skip.

Last week, after some test results came back, she whispered in my ear that his results cemented for her that they had definitely made the right decision.

It really does just take time and with the benefit of hindsight -if I could have relaxed more about it and had more faith in my decision I would have saved myself loads of stress.

take care

My DS6 is in third grade, and his good friend (also six) who lives across the street is in first grade. They often eat lunch together, but DS also plays with third graders, too.

As long as he feels like he has friends at school, I am not too concerned about what grade they are in.

DS6 was skipped in Jan this year in a new school and at their suggestion - it has taken him most of the 3 terms to date to make friends although at breaks he plays with anyone who will play with him and they range right across the age groups from 5-10. He still says he has no real friends and I guess that will always be a bit of a problem for him because he is just so different but his teacher tells me there are always children who want to be with him and he is much happier now than prior to the skip when he outright refused to go to school. I figure he is happier with the skip than not and the friend thing is just going to take time anyway.

I'd say it might be time to start developing a thick skin for the teacher's comments, if they see you wavering they'll find the chink in your armour and exploit it - stick to your instincts, I'm sure it will get better.