I have seen numerous discussions here on this subject, thought the group would find this article interesting. Curious to know if anyone has read this book yet, the wait at my library is forever long.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=113347007

The days of the so-called "helicopter parent" are numbered — or they should be, according to author Po Bronson. "Sure, he's special. But new research suggests if you tell him that, you'll ruin him. It's a neurobiological fact."

Although the impulse to hover over our kids may stem from the best of intentions, Bronson argues that over-praising and over-nurturing may do more harm than good. His new book NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children expands on a series he wrote with co-author Ashley Merryman for New York magazine, exploring how American pop culture has misread the fine print of parental research.

-Guy

Hi, thanks for this - it looks interesting. Have you read "Punished by Rewards" (Alfie Kohn)? It was recommended to DH and me and although we never read all the way through it, it certainly raised a number of interesting issues and changed the way that we did some things!

Funny -- I don't recall being interviewed by this author. This could have been a discussion about our son.


I haven't read the book, although this teaser chapter may prompt me to do so (if for no other reason than to learn about the recommended antidote).

I think we've instinctively avoided the "You're so smart" mantra, but he still gets a large dose of it from everyone else with whom he comes into contact. If the research outlined in this book is correct, then I assume the external praise is having some negative effect, but there's not much we can do about that, is there?

I've got to stop reading all this research. Sometimes it just makes my head POUND!

I've got one of these kids too. The Optimistic Child also deals with this issue, and includes results of school experiments in which some children were used as the control group and others had the importance of effort drummed into them, with positive results.

lol, exactly. Figured many of us could relate to this

How much of it is praise and how much of it is the nature of the gifted child. When so many things come easy for a child w/little or no struggle it makes sense then when something doesn't come so easy that child may not want to do it. Goes back to perfectionism. If they can't do it perfect they don't want to do it. Our DS6 can't draw a real looking person so he doesn't want to draw at all.

I can honestly say that I received almost no praise growing up (Not that I was put down either, but my father never praised except for very rare off-hand comments), and I had the same issues. While I agree with over-praising being a large issue nowadays, I think this particular dimension of gifted children is not based on that and has been around a lot longer than overpraising issues have been.

Great, now I have something else to worry about! ; )

Thanks for posting the link and I've added it to my library queue. The experiment with the Chinese and American mothers was eye-opening.

The author was interviewed on the Utah Public Radio show called "RadioWest." You can download a free podcast at iTunes. The whole show was very interesting.
It makes me glad that we always rewarded perseverance and effort at least as much as results.

This topic has always interested me. I see a lot of my friends do this and see how it effects their kids. Also what I find interesting is the recent generation that has come into adulthood. These are the kids that all got ribbons during sports events. There was a big push not to have winners and losers to help with their self esteem. Now they are in the workforce and I find it interesting that the human resources departments have had to have new training on how to handle this new generation. The typical structure doesn't work for them. Handle with mittens is fitting for them. I hope we are learning from the recent past. I will definitely look to buy this book. It has peaked my curiosity and I really hope we are not falling into the trap.

Thanks for this tip. I just downloaded the program -- it will give me something to listen to besides the talking heads on the radio.

I was recently reading a book about teaching kids art.... It suggests to say things like "did you had fun with that project?" which makes it more about the childs experience and process rather than the outcome like, "oh what a beautiful picture".

I read an article about this book not too long ago and have since stopped praising results and started praising "effort".

thanks, finally got to listen to it today and now I am even more interested. Received a 30% borders coupon via email so I am hoping to start reading the book this weekend.

I have a different perspective on this phenomenon. For me, it seems possible or even likely that shutting down when something gets hard can be a by-product of the school environment, rather than knowing or having been told that you're bright.

Many gifted kids get by in school with little or no effort because grade-level work is too easy for them. At the same time, ND kids have to struggle frequently to learn the same things. The result is that many gifted kids never develop problem-solving skills that ND kids develop as a matter of course.

The result is that when these gifted kids finally encounter a challenging subject, they have no skills for approaching it. They assume that they aren't as bright as they though because if they were, this would be easy too. After all, everything has always been easy, right? So if they were really smart, algebra/geometry/Moby Dick/etc. would be easy too, right?

In this context, the conclusions that you can draw from studies like the ones described in The Optimistic Child become more nuanced.

Val

This happened to DH - he did very well at an exclusive high school without trying much at all, and then crashed at university when faced with challenges.

On the other hand, I did quite badly at a mediocre high school, and was convinced I wasn't very bright. Because bright kids like school, do the work and get good marks. University (which I scraped into) was a revelation - "Discuss Heidegger's relationship wtih Nazism" and off you go - no more micromanagement, no more "duh" assignments.

Although I certainly hadn't been over-praised, I had never faced intellectual challenges before either. I love the way that no theory is universally applicable.

I'm listening to the audio version know. I thought the gifted stuff was interesting. However, I did have this reaction that was like "not my kid" and "he scores are just to high for this to apply to her."

I'm on the part know about the preschool/kindergarten that promotes executive function. I wish my 2E kiddo had had an opportunity like that!

DD's school has added NurtureShock to their parenting lending library, which is in the lower school lobby. So Its prominently displayed. I know a lot of the teachers and admins read it over the summer as a book club.

On the other hand, the religious education director of our church refuses to read it because of what she read about the race stuff in a Newsweek review. This seems like a very immature response to me. I think the book questions so many of our assumptions that anyone looking after children should read it. I thought as grown ups we could read stuff and decide for ourselves what to believe.

I'm convinced that dd's school and our church will never agree on anything. Blah.

When I complement my kids, I frequently say things like you should feel proud of that, you worked hard on that. I try to let it be about them and not so much about pleasing me.

I agree. I always, always ask, "How do you feel about the job you did?" rather than acting as sole judge and jury for my kids, and I encourage healthy self-pride.

BTW, I also encourage healthy (not perfectionistic) self-criticism where it applies. I ask things like "Anything you'd do differently next time?" I think that their seeing the pros and cons of their own efforts actually helps combat both perfectionism and "coasting."

I just received this book and find the information and research cited very interesting -- certainly worth considering their alternative methods.

I didn't initially realize the book was about more than the praise issue. It challenges many of our society's current positions/behaviors regarding children.

I am surprised that some people have issue with the chapter on race. I found it fascinating. There's a study they cited with preschoolers that I found very thought-provoking. I certainly don't feel the book discussed race in a "racist" way. It does challenge many people's current belief that if you have fully-integrated schools/institutions, and don't ever discuss race, then race will become a non-issue. My understanding is that the authors believe that children naturally notice visible differences between themselves and others (including race, gender, etc...) and tend to group themselves where they feel they belong. The authors suggest it is imperative that discussions about race take place with young children in a positive way in order to avoid issues surrounding racial attitudes.

I would recommend the book as an interesting read for anyone with kids.

thanks for the mini review, I plan to read this over the thanksgiving break.