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    #53843 08/28/09 09:59 PM
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    My son knows pokemon really well and has been collecting cards for 2 years. Finally after a year of having no one to play Pokemon with, the neighborhood boys are into this. The kids show up to play him and they are talking about being inline to play with my DS9. Nobody has ever beat him.

    This sorta thing has happened here before. The all show up at our door with we caught a toad or bug. DD will known what to do. and he gives everyone advice.

    I'm glad they appreciate his abilities but this feels weird. He sorta gets a little attitude like he is better. But at the same time he doesn't seem that confident to me. DH said what so weird about it? Any suggestions to get/keep this kid grounded?

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    Chess club


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    Grinity #53859 08/29/09 06:36 AM
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    Is your DS well-liked? Do they really play together, or is your DS just a resident expert that they see when they need something?

    I'd encourage empathy. Ask him how he'd feel if he asked a question of a friend and was met with the attitude.

    Encourage multiple games of Pokemon at one time so that there's no line waiting to play against him.

    Get him together with some intellectual peers, where he has to work to keep up a little bit.

    But I'd also recognize that as long as he is not truly rude to anyone and as long as the kids want to play with him, he's probably doing okay socially. He's smart, and it sounds like it's the neighbor kids who are recognizing this rather than that he's bragging or pushing the issue. What's more, if it's not bothering them, then it probably doesn't have to worry you. I'd talk regularly with him about how to keep friendships alive, but I don't think I'd be terribly worried about the kids viewing him as an expert as long as everyone is getting along.

    My mom had a saying I always pull out: "It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice." I use it often enough that now DS8 says it when it applies to a situation. It seems like it might fit here.

    HTH!


    Kriston
    Kriston #53861 08/29/09 06:46 AM
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    I'll add that I think some kids are more comfortable with the role of "expert" than others. The danger for a 9yo is that he won't know an answer, and then his position in the group might feel jeopardized, especially if perfectionism is an issue for him. That fear might be eliciting the sorts of insecurity that you're seeing.

    If he has chances to be wrong in front of his friends and still be okay with that, it might help. But he'd have to be okay with it. A meltdown would be bad. But if he can be imperfect in front of his friends, that's probably a good sign that he's doing okay.

    There's a fine line between liking to feel useful and feeling pressured. Some GT kids are natural teachers who love to share what they know. Others feel pushed to be perfect. I think it really comes down to how comfortable he is in that role.


    Kriston
    Kriston #53867 08/29/09 10:29 AM
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    thank you. Your are very kind. I will keep your advice in mind.

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    Let me know how it goes. I'm still thinking about your DS. I'd love to hear how you handle it.

    smile


    Kriston
    Kriston #53976 08/30/09 04:37 PM
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    my ds and I have a talk before he goes to bed. I'll talk to him about this and see what his impression of this is and how he feels.

    Your thoughts have really helped.

    Last winter a boy 3yrs younger beat him at a one day chess tornament. My ds handled it very well, which I was impressed with. He seems to do great with competion unless something seems unfair.

    This is probally more than you wanted to know. This site helps me think things thru. Thanks.

    Social goes from good to not so good, then good again. Sometimes the neighbors kids have been fed up with him. I'm hoping he has learned from that. Sometimes he leaves himself out because he is sensitive to cheating or ruffness. Right now, it seems pretty good. He good at sports so that helps a lot. Kids are interested in being with him. He is an idea guy and get kids to go along. There is much potential socially. it's a slow process for him. He says he is better at remember stuff than other peoples feelings. He can be very driven and intense.





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    Originally Posted by onthegomom
    Last winter a boy 3yrs younger beat him at a one day chess tornament. My ds handled it very well, which I was impressed with. He seems to do great with competion unless something seems unfair.

    This is a really, really, really good sign. Being unable to handle fair compition at age 9 is are common sign of the damage of being underchallenged at school for 'more' than what the child can tolerate. Younger sibs don't have so much of a problem with this, but gifted oldests and gifted onlies are very vulnerable. Of course more than handling it well in the moment, did it dampen his enthusiasm to play with other kids again?


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    Grinity #53997 08/30/09 08:38 PM
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    He was not discouraged. He said well everyone who beat him went to the tournament so they were good competion. This was my ds9 's 1st tournament.(it's a library casual event) He then said he definitely wanted to come back when they were having chess class/games/club in last summer. He loved this! He said he would like to go to chess camp next summer. (I'll have to see if I can work that out.)

    I'm hoping he gets into Chess club this winter. It's questionable - the limited enrollment is for 4th Grade and up and he is in 3rd. If there is room they will let him in.

    Last edited by onthegomom; 08/31/09 05:40 AM.
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    (you probally need to go to my first post to get some of this)

    well the pokemon kingdom at our house is now closed. How sad. (they had to close it at school due to trading issues last year too)

    My ds9 was really wanting someone to do Pokemon for a year and none of the neighbors did it until this summer. My son was so excited and this was a connection with the kids, to feel apart of something (even though he had to be king)

    The excitement got too big yesterday - anger, crying, threats and hurt feelings. I had to over rule the king NO MORE TRADING or exchanging of cards in any way and he must take a break from Pokemon. This just got too big.

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    that happen in our circle too. I Think it is fairly typical. too bad though.


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    I always worry about trading. My rule is that both sides have to be happy with any trade and no one has to trade anything if they don't want to. That still doesn't always work though.

    So sorry! frown

    BTW, was he upset or were the friends (or both)? Not that either any of those scenarios is okay, but I was just wondering in light of your worries.


    Kriston
    Kriston #54204 09/01/09 08:55 AM
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    The situation turned into both boys yelling and crying. When the boy(5) left our house after the trade my son had the card and the boy said it was ok now. Another boy came over later, tricked my DS9 by asking to see his cards and took the card and ran away with it.

    My DS went to go after him I said calm down and I will go with you. I was worried someone would get punched. I got involved and tryed to reason for my son. My involvement was really unfair I did not hear every word that is said and I'm partial to my son.
    The boy would not give the card I think my DS rightfully won. But it was won from a boy(5) who may not have been old enough to understand. My son was mad at him I didn't get it back. It is always easier for him to be mad at me. His conscience is too harsh for him.
    This is all too big. This is story of my life with a very intense gifted boy. We have made progress and I must keep that in mind.



    Last edited by onthegomom; 09/01/09 08:55 AM.
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    We have the same issue with the "Bakugun" - and even though DS6 is still 6, I don't see him outgrowing the whole melt down over losing a fair game anytime soon. Do you guys have other suggestions on how to get him to achieve this?

    We are so far thinking that tutor time should include games with rules. He's still a very sore loser - at anything and everything and wants to win all the time - whether riding bikes, or racing lego cars - and he is an "only" - so even harder for him to be used to coming last. He even turned diving into the pool into a "competetive" sport - he's always yelling out what dive he is going to do to get attention and wants people looking at him - it's like this "huge perfromance". Then 2 weeks ago he started trying to jump the line at the board - and all the older kids got mad at him. He's ultimatey driving people away as much as he attracts children and adults alike to him.

    I've seen the victim mentality get worse this month - both over computer games - when he can't beat the computer (!) and when I've put him in time out for being rude. I get the whole embarrassing spiel in public "You hate me, you don't love me, you've never loved me since I was a baby, you don't want this or that for me, it's not fair" ...and blah, blah. I know it's a melt down and that he's going to snap out of it as long as I don't verbally engage him and prolong the agony. He always calms down and apologises. ButI just don't get where the whole "I'm such a victim" thing comes from. And the manipulation of the whole "you don't love me/guilt thing" just seems so intensely crazy coming from a 6 yr old. He'll also start in with the "Fine, well if I can't do this/that - then we are leaving and I'm never coming here again". I've seen him do this with kids too - if they won't play like he wants - he'll often just say "We aren't playing anymore" - or Saturday he started yelling at a child taht he was tupid because he didn't undrstand the game and he ended up punching the air in front of the child thought he didn't actually hit him. When I pull him aside- it's like he's trying to be the adult and pull all the power.

    I've gotten to the point where I can contain myself and gently remind him that he can't make those decisions, sorry, he's not the adult or I'll just say "Fine, okay - you want to leave" - gently - not sarcastically - and then he'll start with a 2nd meltdown about how he didn't really mean it. It's just so immature on the one hand - and so scarily "mature/ascyhronous" on the other. I mean, this is the kind of meltdown I expect from a "freaking out" teeanger you know ..not a little kid. If someone could say to me for sure "he'll grow out of it" I'd be fine. But I've seen his step sister melting down up to the age of 11 with full body tantrums - all be it in different life circumstances/household - so sometimes I wonder if it's genetic or just linked to their async intellect somehow?

    IronMom #54232 09/01/09 01:18 PM
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    Oh, are they **winning** cards and not just trading them?

    I confess, I KNEW that would be bad and I don't allow my kids to play the game "for keeps." At the age these kids are, it is just destined to cause hurt feelings and poor sportsmanship. That stuff ruins friendships. They can play the game, but the cards lost in the game do NOT become the property of the other player.

    Maybe it's time for a rule like that?

    Last edited by Kriston; 09/01/09 06:49 PM. Reason: Blew it on the name because of a child whining in my ear while I was reading. I must learn not to post then!

    Kriston
    Kriston #54347 09/02/09 08:08 PM
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    We have a new rule no trading, exchanging or winning cards. The cards have been put away for the week. Hopefully they can still have fun with the cards.

    Ironmom - My son can be very intense too. Here's what has helped. I have given him lots of time outs over the years that helps. Time out is not a punishment here - it is to gain control.

    Look for teachable moments and notice and tell him when he has good selfcontrol. Tell him the self control is in him he needs to believe in himself.

    Sometimes when my DS had the big reactions I found it was best just to walk away. We can talk better when everyone is calm.

    After the whole summer of missing out on certain computer games my DS just got the privilege back. I warned him he must keep it together or he will be done with those games again for a long time. I told him I know he can do it. I'd like to see him have fun with the games but if they are not right for him now they are out. He knows I mean business and he has been just fine.

    I would try to get outside and have some one on one time and love him up. That goes a long way. When things got bad we would go to the zoo or park. A very relaxed day helped.

    Hope this helps. It's a long process sometimes - hang in there.

    Last edited by onthegomom; 09/02/09 08:11 PM.
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    I saw this thread and have been meaning to post for a few days...we had the same issue, a long saga for us. Ds4 or 5 at the time decided he liked the 'Yu Gi Oh' card game best, well he couldn't even read, so we waited to ok this until about 6 or 7. He's now 9, and it's gonna be another few years before other kids are thinking about that one...
    Last year he just got so frustrated, he was crying, with not understanding why no one was interested in this super cool game. He said the only boy who did like it told him it wasn't even popular anymore (older/gt boy) , which REALLY broke his heart. I actually kept him home from school he was so messed up about this.
    So, last year he got more into Pokemon, several of the boys in his dance class play, so that worked ok. There was 1 incident of trading, and hurt feelings, accusations of unfairness, it is just hard for ds to see it's JUST A CARD, JUST A GAME, etc. But he's getting better at it. He's had some fun with the video games, read some pokemon books and learned a lot of the trivia (great for the SAT's). Anyway, back to dance in another week so I know he's looking forward to playing with those guys, and it really can be a great game to play while waiting around for a practice, etc., to start.
    One or two boys that we know well, whom we know to be fair guys works VERY well, and I generally have the 'no trading' rule in place. Once or twice since then ds has explained a pending trade to me, gotten my ok and gone ahead with a trade, which we find to be an ok way to go. Like Kriston said, making sure all sides are happy with it, and can even trade back within a day or two if they regret it. No playing for keeps, that's a good point, too.
    The double whamming of losing the game plus losing the cards can just be too much.

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    There has been several closing and reopening of the Pokemon Kingdom for DS9. Most recently, He made a deck for his sister (who just started playing with him) and she messed it up by mixing with a big pile of cards. DS got mad and punched her on the top of the head. It all just got to intense. So I put all the pokemons stuff away.

    He keeps bring up that I have been mean to him and don't want him to have fun. I respond it is his actions that have caused the Pokemon to be put away. This is typical. I think he doesn't want to take in his mistake so he blames me. I told him his is confused and needs time to get more mature to deal with this.

    His Pokemon organizing gets so big it can take over the play room despite my efforts with trays and the activity table.

    I really do like Pokemon for him. It's a great connection with his best buddy.

    DS went to visit a Potential School. They were having a fun day. They played pokemon alot. He skipped his lunch to play. Which can be trouble. It's just such a big obsession.

    The Problem is not really the Cards, it's his intensity/drive, and emotional management.

    I could really use some parenting advice here about this situation. Is this something he just can't have because the problems repeat?


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