Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy A frustrated parent: Challenging a gifted child

I haven't had time to read through all the responses here, but I'm going to throw in my 2 cents while I have a few moments. Hopefully, I won't be redundant to anything already said. Knowing me, this will be long. My apologies! It's my hot button topic.

I've been saying since K, "DS is not learning how to learn." He's allowed to do his work (frequently haphazardly) and then go to read whatever book he's brought to school. Frankly, he's happy to do just that. If allowed, he'd read for hours a day.

I know tons of people who've told me that their now-grown DSs were just like mine in K,1,2..., then their DSs crashed in 3rd or 4th grade and they could never get them back on track. The kids pulled Cs/Ds in high school (never cracking a book) and never went to college, and are now in jobs that are more manual-labor than mental work. Now, I have nothing against those types of jobs. What I don't want are the possibilities that will be open to my DS as an adult to be sealed when he's in 4th grade, because he thought he'd fooled people, and that it turned out he wasn't really smart (like I felt).

Anyway, I recently spoke with one of the Resource Teachers at DS's school and seemed to make some headway. First, I explained what I wrote above that I've heard from all the parents I know of gifties who exhibit their GTness at a young age. Then I told her that DS thinks that: 1) school will always be easy, and 2) he's always going to be the smartest kid in any room. I told her I know that a lot of smart kids don't show their gifts early -- that in 3rd or 4th grade there will be people at a similar level to DS (she really responded to that). I also told her that DS has started saying, "I can't do that" when presented with things that he's not certain he knows -- although when pressed, he can not only do that thing but additional similar ones that are more difficult (so ability is there, but not confidence).

I said, "DS is an academic early peaker," and she said that was a very good way to put it, and that she could see kids like that as a group that could likely benefit from the Resources Teachers' help. She said she understood that he is not being challenged and our worry that he'll lack the confidence and tools to achieve when school does become more difficult. I never used the word "gifted" to describe DS, because our school does not have a gifted program and won't consider offering one at this time.

Now, we have yet to see whether they'll be able to provide anything to really address our issues, but it was the first time someone listened. It was the first time I didn't get the , "We have no gifted program and don't have the funds" or the "All children are gifted." response.

So, enough for my looooonnnnnggg post.

I'm not certain if any of this is helpful. I wish you all luck since it seems there are so many of us in this same overcrowded boat.

Take care!

We're thinking that he spends every waking moment testing limits at home & arguing about fair application of house rules ... but at school, he's thus far avoided any shenanigans like that. We'd much rather have it that way than the opposite (angel @ home; terror @ school).

You really are an optimist -- and I truly admire that!

We've had enough excitement with "learnin'" at home that, while not impossible, homeschooling is not at the top of the stack of probable. It's as much me as it is him -- who knows, it may be all me!

I've spent a fair amount of time helping in the classroom and am amazed by the teachers' patience and their ability to corral those kittens. Those are truly some special people.


I see your point here. After their initial eye-rolling reactions -- and after they realize that I am not a PIA-parent -- all his teachers have genuinely wanted to help. But as the months go along, I believe they are lulled into complacency by his grades & behavior, subconsciously adopting the "If it ain't broke..." rule.
(Other than the one who said "Don't push him!" He just plain didn't want to see things from our perspective.)

Only every day for the last few years!


We're waiting for testing now -- s/b in next week or so. And I've also been talking with a couple different psychs about these challenges, and will definitely be employing their services if we don't make headway.

I have a little more "colorful language" in my version... but I really do have to remind myself -- re-focus on what he needs. I know that I get lulled into complacency as well from time to time. It's not only the teachers.

We're really hesitant about these options, as he has a keen sense of "time for this & time for that" and doesn't like it when the "extra" school work infringes on "his" time. This is why I am so adamant about finessing a solution within the school day. I want him to have all that tree-climbing & bike-riding time -- you know, be a kid, too.

It would really suck to spend a full day behaving & getting work done in school... just to come home and be greeted with MORE work at home.

I added your two suggestions to my reading list -- will be over to the library later today.

There are a couple of programs that he will be old enough for next summer. Already have those on our calendar. Being around other kids of his age & ability will be a big boost for him, I'm certain.

Thanks so much for the ideas & suggestions.

Here's an article I found interesting. It talks about what a child doesn't learn at school if they get lots of praise with little effort in the first few years.
http://www.portage.k12.in.us/160720...597/pdfs/April/Whatachilddoesntlearn.pdf

We have the same thought regarding this. There's just no way that DS is going to have any desire to do more work after school. I can only imagine - DS hates to do homework that's required by the teacher, he's certainly not going to look forward to anything additional, especially if it's imposed by me. I can hear it now "But MOOOOOOM! I already spent all day in school and you want me to do more work. It's NOT FAIR!!!", and so on until I begin plucking the hairs out of my head one by one, because that's nowhere near as painful as doing additional homework....

OH Yes! Our school blamed us (me) 'nicely' for several years... It really isn't my fault that I'm so brillient and successful and have a career and waited until I was so old to have an only child....it's understandable that you spoil him. Gurrrrrr. And to think I trusted them and believed them for so long.

Grum(p)ity

This is what kills me... I've seen his in-class writing assignments and his teachers have always let him skate with applying the least amount of effort possible.

He tries this nonsense at home and I call him on it. And then the tempers flare. (OK, Grinity, now I see your point about how his behavior at home may be affected.)

Let me share a sample writing assignment:

Your assignment:
Write a paragraph about what you did over the summer.

[...]We do our brainstorming out loud together and he plenty of detailed material when we are done.[...]

And then pencil hits paper producing this gem:
"Over the summer we had fun. We went on a trip to Arizona. I took swimming lessons. I played with my cousins. I played tennis. Overall, I had a lot of fun this summer."

Always perfect spelling, grammar and form. But he winds up writing only a fraction of what he worked out while brainstorming. His teacher accepts this and calls it good.

This is the same kid who can spend a 60 minute car ride telling about how all the horcruxes(?) come together in the last HP book with excruciating detail. But ask him to put it in writing and you get: a topic sentence, three or four body sentences and a closing sentence. With nary an adjective or adverb in sight.

Thanks Mama22Gs for relating your experiences -- it is quite helpful to see what approaches others have tried.

In the end, our 'likes plenty of time to do nothing' kid got a gradeskip because he 'just didn't think it was fair' to do one drop of work more than the other kids were doing.

If the child isn't willing to afterschool, and isn't well behaved enough for homeschool, and these attitude problems can't be resolved, then ((cue scary music)) a grade skip is about the only answer. We had to go to a private school for 2 years to get teh grade skip, and then we returned to public with the proviso that 'if mom doesn't see you working hard, then you have to do double what the teachers expect, or back to private school. It did work.

Catching on to what is going on at age 7 is really good.
Best Wishes,
Grinity

We just did one grade skip this year. I'm still hoping that this will be enough...

Absolutely superb. Assouline, mentioned at the beginning of the article, is one of the co-authors of "A Nation Deceived" -- one of my favorite resources in this whole struggle.

Thanks for sharing that little jewel, as their larger work doesn't explore these ideas in any detail.

Sounds like what might be helpful here is some unschooling, ie "child-led" activities.

Are there some projects your dc would be inclined to do based on their interests that might also incorporate some traditional subject matter? That way, it is not "more school work" but they would be still learning...