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    #45453 04/24/09 06:25 AM
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    Tiz Offline OP
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    DS (almost 7) was upset this morning and not wanting to go to school. When pressed on the subject he said that he misses me and wants to stay at home with me and he doesn't like recess because it goes on too long and he is lonely. He usually plays football with the other boys but says that he is still lonely (even when with them).

    Has anyone else here had recess problems and how did you deal with them?

    Tiz #45457 04/24/09 06:57 AM
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    We have been through this with both kids, it makes my stomach turn.
    We have been lucky in that we've had good and bad days and the bad ones seem to fade and good ones return.
    I have talked to teachers/aids about watching them on the playground to make sure that they are OK - one teacher played with my DD one day when she was having a bad social day.

    I have also stressed the fact that I, as a child, had playground experiences like this, and that nothing is "wrong" with them. It seems to help a little, because from their point of view, everyone else seems to be having fun all of the time, when that just isn't the case.

    elizabethmom #45478 04/24/09 12:56 PM
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    Our ds when in 1st grade first became aware of not fitting in, and seldom played with other kids. He did and does fine one on one but there was something about recess/large groups which really did not click for him.
    In 2nd this became even worse, and it was at least a couple times a month if not more that he would mention having 'no friends' or being lonely and of course with that, hating school, etc.
    Part of it probably was thinking everyone else was having a great time. But even at family events I have seen him drawing away a bit and sort of circlingt he crowd. Considering this was getting worse and not better for him, when we decided to get an assessment recently, we went for something which would also help us answer questions about social issues. Even though we have not gotten a full write up yet from the doctor, and don't know if he's going to diagnose, we have had some good tips which have helped already (for our ds, your mileage may vary, as they say).
    - the first 2 of these were sort of shocking to us, hope they are not so shocking to others -

    1. Don't always encourage ds to be as unique as possible. (he's going to be out there anyway, he doesn't need to be super-duper out-there completely beyond reach... Hard to swallow, but I sort of see the logic. This was in part regarding ds in ballet, ds interest in things like medieval swordplay rather than baseball, and so on.
    2. Consider letting him have a Nintendo DS (dsi). That hand-held game system that is taking over all the 7-14 year old brains in the u.s. We got one, immediately ds said something like, 'great, now I'll fit in better'. Seriously, he does fit in better.
    In addition to being a conversation starter/continuer, he has a lot more stuff to think about on his own, and doesn't pester people to death, at least not so often.
    3. More play dates (this was one I had thought of previously,but the dr. confirmed )
    4. Role playing to learn about how to get conversations started and keep them moving. With an outside conselor or group if need be, to get him comfortable.

    In addition we applied to the gt program at the school and that has really really helped him feel better about school and finding friends.

    This is a tough problem ~ good luck!

    chris1234 #45479 04/24/09 01:08 PM
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    Originally Posted by chris1234
    ...
    1. Don't always encourage ds to be as unique as possible. (he's going to be out there anyway, he doesn't need to be super-duper out-there completely beyond reach... Hard to swallow, but I sort of see the logic. This was in part regarding ds in ballet, ds interest in things like medieval swordplay rather than baseball, and so on.
    GS9 loved those things, still does, but does not mention that to other boys. What a shame.

    Originally Posted by chris1234
    2. Consider letting him have a Nintendo DS (dsi). That hand-held game system that is taking over all the 7-14 year old brains in the u.s. We got one, immediately ds said something like, 'great, now I'll fit in better'. Seriously, he does fit in better.
    In addition to being a conversation starter/continuer, he has a lot more stuff to think about on his own, and doesn't pester people to death, at least not so often.
    ....

    I came to that resolution this past month. GS will get a DS for his birthday this year. There's an old joke about a kid so ugly that the parents had to tie a bone around his neck to get the dog to play with him. The Nintendo DS will do the same thing to attract other kids, but at least our kids will also get fun from playing with it. GS picks up those games very easily, I wish he could earn a living playing them!

    OHGrandma #45484 04/24/09 02:17 PM
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    GS picks up those games very easily, I wish he could earn a living playing them!

    No doubt! We could all retire! grin

    kimck #45485 04/24/09 02:35 PM
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    Oh yes, practically every day when DS6 comes home from school, I ask "how was school?" and he says "terrible"! And even though I may have been at the school that day and seen him having fun with something, it's still "terrible". He's always been a drama queen. smile

    He has a really hard time fitting in with the kids in the neighborhood and at school--there are kids who seek him out to play with him, but what he remembers are the ones who tease him or say something he takes as being mean even if it wasn't intended that way. And he blows things out of proportion in his mind--he says "EVERYone in my class called me a loser!" "EVERYone in my class said I was stupid!" We're working on the hyperbole and exaggeration factors and discuss whether, in fact, every single member of his class could manage to call him a loser or stupid without the teacher noticing and putting a stop to it. Poor kid, once it's in his head, it's just that way.

    He has had a Nintendo DS since he was 3, and it does help him to have something to do or to have something to talk about, as well as just being great for developing talents and coordination. He is not a coordinated kid physically, but the eye-hand coordination grows by leaps and bounds with a DS and a PS2. Unfortunately he can't take them to school!

    Nautigal #45488 04/24/09 03:42 PM
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    I agree with the DS thing. DD13 received a hand-me down phone about a year ago, and although she never uses it, I think it makes her feel a little better socially. Shes somewhat introverted, and often used recess time to think, but I'm assuming your child wouldn't like that, based on the question. Would he like to read a bit possibly?

    chris1234 #45489 04/24/09 03:54 PM
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    Originally Posted by chris1234
    the first 2 of these were sort of shocking to us, hope they are not so shocking to others -

    1. Don't always encourage ds to be as unique as possible. (he's going to be out there anyway, he doesn't need to be super-duper out-there completely beyond reach... Hard to swallow, but I sort of see the logic. This was in part regarding ds in ballet, ds interest in things like medieval swordplay rather than baseball, and so on.


    While I am shocked by the advice because it is just a more sophisticated version of "be normal" which is advice that kids hear a lot. I strongly disagree it. We've seen our child's unusual hobbies have allowed him a great deal of personal satisfaction and ultimately connections with others. People pick up on his happiness and comfort with himself and that's all positive. I would expect especially as kids get older that they learn to take turns in conversation and to choose their audience. I would put a lot more weight behind that than trying to take away something like ballet that may provide a great place for emotional expression.

    That isn't to say kids should be told to pick up an unusual hobby for the sake of being unusual and it is fine to offer mainstream activities the child might enjoy.

    I would suggest the book "Good Friends Are Hard to Find" by Fred Frankel. He emphasizes the importance of one on one playdates as a means to really make friends. It works better than being in big group activities like soccer.

    #45492 04/24/09 05:25 PM
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    Nothing makes me more upset than issues with lunch, recess, and the school bus. I could just cry thinking about it....

    Last year my DS had nearly no one to play with at recess, and he rode home alone on the bus. This year he has many lunch / recess buddies, and a friend to share the bus seat and talk with. It makes such a difference! I hope it continues....

    I agree about the electronics. Buy your kid the most popular games. Nautigal said they can't take them to school, but in a way they do :-) I watch at school as groups of kids discuss the various levels of the game, the characters, the cheats, the codes, the glitches. They compare scores, advise each other re: defeating various bosses / getting to new levels ... and I've even seen kids act out (role play, I guess) the various games.

    The best advice I received from a classroom teacher, several years ago, was to let my DS get involved with Webkinz. I was such a purist about these things, and holding out to the end, but I listened as she said it would give him some common ground with the other kids. She was right. A dozen little animals and loads of online time later, DS was respected as the classroom Webkinz expert, and had made lots of friends because of it.

    Though my DS is 99% recovered from ASD after years and years of super intensive remediation, he still has some residual social quirks. We aren't finished. The fact that he is exceptionally gifted hasn't helped either! In planning social get-togethers, playdates or playground trips, I always try to gather together the "kid magnet" toys. For instance, when we bring along an electronic ball that calls out commands to kids wearing different color hand bands, DS draws a crowd of kids about his age. And they build an instant bond, working together as a team.

    I second the advice to read Frankel's "Good Friends...." book.

    I've read so many building social skills /raising social IQ / rules of friendship types of books the stack goes up to my knees. And that is in addition to the actual therapy type stuff. YMMV, but Frankel's book has some of the best real-world advice I've ever encountered for kids with social difficulties. It is based on a social skills course he developed at UCLA. Not philosophical so much as pragmatic. And for those of us who don't have even one typical kid (even my DD is moderately and artistically gifted) to judge what typical age-appropriate social habits are, Frankel goes age by age detailing typical play and friendship habits, divided as well by gender. I found it enlightening.

    BTW, I prefer the use of the word "typical", rather than "normal", for obvious reasons.

    It is wrenching to watch your child suffer through these things, but Tiz (and others in the same position), just hang in there. It can and probably will get better for your son. For us, early elementary was the worst. Just took awhile for DS to find his niche.


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    Originally Posted by passthepotatoes
    Originally Posted by me
    1. Don't always encourage ds to be as unique as possible. (he's going to be out there anyway, he doesn't need to be super-duper out-there completely beyond reach... Hard to swallow, but I sort of see the logic. This was in part regarding ds in ballet, ds interest in things like medieval swordplay rather than baseball, and so on.


    While I am shocked by the advice because it is just a more sophisticated version of "be normal" which is advice that kids hear a lot. I strongly disagree it. We've seen our child's unusual hobbies have allowed him a great deal of personal satisfaction and ultimately connections with others. People pick up on his happiness and comfort with himself and that's all positive. I would expect especially as kids get older that they learn to take turns in conversation and to choose their audience. I would put a lot more weight behind that than trying to take away something like ballet that may provide a great place for emotional expression.

    That isn't to say kids should be told to pick up an unusual hobby for the sake of being unusual and it is fine to offer mainstream activities the child might enjoy.

    I would suggest the book "Good Friends Are Hard to Find" by Fred Frankel. He emphasizes the importance of one on one playdates as a means to really make friends. It works better than being in big group activities like soccer.


    Thanks, yes, I agree, I would not pull ds out of ballet against his wishes but if he decides it's not for him as he gets a bit older, I will be able to understand better the full impact of this, his, decision.
    Also for camp this year we are decided on a nearby one with an emphasis on swimming in creeks, etc., rather than one on Art. Part of that is due to a previous art class where he really did not learn much even though it was for up to 14y.old. ( I had hoped for more, oh well)
    And that book is now on my must-read list! smile

    Last edited by chris1234; 04/25/09 04:32 AM.
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