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    Mom0405 Offline OP
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    Any insight as to what you can do for a non-compliant 4-yr old boy? Can a child psych do anything for this? Since his (child psych) tester today brought up his non-compliance during the 2-day test (and his pre-school teachers (too easy and boring), and other adults in settings where they want him to sit and be attentive like the other "good" children.). I did warn the psych to not act frustrated if my DS got silly; but he did and DS pushed his buttons.(ho hum) Will the right school setting do it for him? Will DS grow out of it? I haven't really seen any answers to this. Since he was slow to speak; he hasn't quite caught up verbally yet (but the psych said his vocabulary was very high); so most believe that he just has behavior problems for no apparent reason. What can be done other than trying to force him to comply, which obviously backfires for all who have tried? He is pretty compliant with DH and I; but it takes some work. Thanks!

    Last edited by Mom0405; 04/14/09 01:17 PM.

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    According to a friend of mine who has taught K for years, peer pressure take care of it in most cases. Kids don't want to seem like they can't do what everyone else is doing. Even in K the other kids can be ruthless with name calling etc.


    Shari
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    Mom0405 Offline OP
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    DS has been begged by his friends in pre-k to come sit; but the gazillionth day of "days of the week" and even the first day (for the class) of "this is #3" isn't enough to sit for. I do not want him to be shamed into compliance. No child should have to deal with shame and blame. Sorry for the vent.


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    I have not had that problem with my child (ren); because I would not allow it. wink

    If you set clear boundaries (and give lots of love of course) at home, it will probably carry over to preschool and he will learn to obey the teachers. I would also be talking to him at home about respecting adults, teachers etc and letting him know your expectations for his behavior there.

    .

    Last edited by Suzanne; 04/14/09 01:51 PM.
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    I don't think it's as simple as firm boundaries at home. My son has very firm boundaries and is very easygoing at home. He has no tantrums, no behavior issues and lives a very happy little boy life! But he likes to mess with adults and you cannot allow yourself to get baited or you WILL lose. As of yet, he has not had a teacher who was able to understand this. He can drag any unwitting adult off task quickly and on to something he likes better. He can ask relentless questions if you don't say "Choose one question, then we're done until after I_____"

    I also don't think that "obeying" is high on my personal priority list. I teach him that there are consequences to every action. As long as you understand what the consequence is (positive or negative) you can make an educated choice. Sometimes he'll say "well I knew I was going to get in trouble for ___ but I wanted to go sit in the corner and play alone anyway." I use that to then ask him if he could have gotten what he wanted without getting in trouble (like asking for quiet space or whatever).

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    Mom0405 Offline OP
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    He is great at home; and we have done all of that. We are all about boundaries. He does not rule our home. I guess everyone else just has perfect children. Thanks anyway.


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    No, my children are not perfect. They are children and make mistakes, need to be corrected, get in trouble...just like any children. Do I have higher standards than others? I am sure I do, and not as high as others.

    Really, there is no need to be rude.

    I am sorry if I offended you.

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    My child was quite compliant...until he got bored in school. Suddenly he was belligerent, rebellious, even downright nasty. He started missing recesses at school and other kids didn't like him. Despite our firm (FIRM!) boundaries at home, he was even acting out and hurting his little brother.

    We found a way to challenge him and--Voila!--happy, pleasant kid with lots of friends returned to us. The change back to the calm, kind, rule-oriented child we had sent to school was immediate. Really, the day he was challenged, he was back to his old self. Just that fast!

    They say not to worry about other potential sources of behavior problems until the school fit is corrected. It sounds like you need to start with that school fit. It seems very clear to me that he's not compliant because he simply won't sit through ANOTHER day of "This is #3."

    I know you just had him tested. What moves have you made with the school to get him greater challenge so far? Are you waiting for the test results, or have you done something already?


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    Hi -
    I see (at least) two separate issues going on here.

    #1 - how to have boundaries/limits in school and at home that your ds can follow
    #2 - are all of your son's needs being met?*

    Regarding #1 - maybe that school is a poor enough fit with your son that he will never comply...

    Here is some food for thought regarding #2. I know everyone has different parenting philosophies and styles so I don't mean to push AP. Reading your posts made me think of these articles:

    Why Do Children "Misbehave"? by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
    http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

    1. The child is attempting to fill a legitimate need.
    2. The child lacks information (or is too young to understand or remember rules).
    3. The child is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma.

    Also:
    http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/attachment_parenting.html
    http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/reviews/parenting_books/setting_limits.html


    *and please keep in mind that if "all" his needs are not being met for the moment, it is not your fault. Sometimes the underlying needs are buried deep. (And then of course, sometimes some needs conflict with others...) From your posts it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place right now.(feel free to correct me if you are not) It is no fun when your "baby" is hurting and it is hard to figure out why! Especially when the child you have at home is behaving so differetnly than the one at school. (re-read Kriston's post and the posts on the HS vs. PS thread) Take a deep breath and know that you are doing a great job figuring out what his "other needs" are and how to meet them.

    Last edited by EastnWest; 04/14/09 02:33 PM. Reason: added stuff
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    never mind

    Last edited by Suzanne; 04/14/09 07:10 PM.
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