Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy giftedness and bragging?

This mail is probably going to highlight my deficiencies as a parent who can take care of a child's emotional needs and then again what are anon forums with helpful (for which i am grateful as ever) folks for anyway :-)

DD8.5 has been constantly complaining of another boy9 in the class bragging about being very good academically to the point that it hurts her and her classmates a lot.
For eg: DD missed one math question in mock EOG and B9 got it right and so he went around rubbing it in everyone's face in class.And stuff like this happens every day without fail!
The whole class seems to be in awe of his abilities as much as they hate his personality.

DD says "ma, it is very hurtful when he does that everytime he talks to me" I asked her to stay away from the kid ..not communicate at all. But seemingly there is no escaping the child.
She has tried to reason and talk to him to no avail.
I really really dont want to bring this up with the rather overprotective, belligerent big hen.
DD says "if you want me to stop telling you all this I wont but we have emotions ma. It is not possible not be affected by them".

The teacher is aware of the kid's shortcomings but is scared to do much for fear of incurring parents' wrath. She doesnt feel the need to reign him in especially since the child is gifted, the school new, they seek the keep the child in the school etc, etc.

I feel helpless ..this seems like the first emotional issue she has thrown at me and I am at my wits end.
I will gratefully accept any suggestions the forum folks might have.
(If it matters, DD and the kid arent miles apart gifted spectrum wise.!)
(And for those curious..yes this is the same child as on the other thread-"social context").
Thanks

Is it too catty to suggest that she say something like "Wow, you must be really insecure to feel the need to rub one missed problem in my face. Or are you just a bully? Regardless, I'm happy with my score, thanks!"

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes stating the underlying truth helps cut a bully off at the knees. And this IS bullying! Academic bullying is still bullying!

I'd definitely be talking to the teacher about it. And I'd use the word "bullying" quite prominently in my conversation!

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. My DD has had this happen, and I've seen it in other contexts also (music, sports, etc).
I told DD that bragging is usually a sign of insecurity - if the kid really needs that much external validation, he must be insecure. Assure your DD that she is just as capable as this kid, and that any other day of the week, the tables may be turned.
The teacher doesn't necessarily have to talk to this kid in person (or his parents), although she should IMHO. Maybe she could make a general statement to the class in the next few days - something like, "We are all valuable members of the class, and we don't mock or ridicule each other for wrong answers - that's how we learn."
Learning is not a linear process -it's often exponential, especially in GT kids. I've seen DD and DS leap beyond kids who previously were bragging about their own accomplishments.

I would try having your DD come up with something like "OK so you're good at math, but I've seen you try to hit a baseball" or something equal to it.

When my DS was 5 he went through a period of telling everyone how smart he was. It came to an abrupt halt when someone pointed out that while that's true, he stinks at Karate!

[quote=Kriston]Is it too catty to suggest that she say something like "Wow, you must be really insecure to feel the need to rub one missed problem in my face. Or are you just a bully? Regardless, I'm happy with my score, thanks!"

[quote]

Sometimes "Catty" is just perfect!

Indeed!

I had a similar but slightly different thought. I'd explain to DD that the boy may have a great deal of insecurities, impostor feelings and other anxieties and he doesn't seem to know how to properly deal with these feelings. I'd explain that many talented people are highly self critical and over reactive to the criticism of others.

It sounds like he has unhealthy perfectionism that's negatively impacting his relationships with others. I'd ask DD is she's ever felt that way and brainstorm ideas that could decrease the boy's insecurity rather than increase it. It may help empower DD if she can understand the long term negative consequences of the boy's action and the unhappiness he must be feeling. Good luck!

I personally think this is great. And it also encourages a conversation so that the child starts to understand the psyche of the bully. I usually ask my kids question like "why do you think he is feeling so badly about himself that he has to brag?". My son has no tolerance for bullies anymore and cuts them off the minute they start with a remark along these lines. And no longer takes any of this seriously or personally.

I do actually know this will be a tougher battle with my own daughter though! I consider my son sensitive. I consider her extremely sensitive!

Inky - I like your thoughts and those are the kind of conversations we have at our house too!

I agree. I think that is the selfless way to respond. But I don't necessarily disagree with the other responses either. I think sometimes you have to put yourself first. So I guess I would discus a variety of options and talk about what the likely outcomes would be, both in terms of changing the behavior and in terms of hurting his feelings. And I would try to discuss the fact that people really can't change others. We can control our environments a bit by setting a good example and by removing ourselves from situations we don't like, but we can't really control what other people do.

I think that's VERY important, no5no5. Thank you so much for posting that! I didn't really learn that lesson until I was pushing 40, and it's a BIG lesson that makes life SO much easier once it's learned!

I like the idea of a 2-pronged approach: talk about his feelings and how he might feel about himself at home, but also give her the tools to defend herself against his bullying. That encourages empathy without allowing her to think of herself as a doormat with no power.

Ah! Teamwork!

Thank you all immensely.
This forum never disappoints!
warm regards.

here's a third approach: tell the teacher that when kids dont get enough chances to learn at the difficult end of their readiness level, then they often start feeling atrange and perfectioism becomes a problem. Suggest that she try to solve the boys problem by providing challenging enough work. This might have the nice side effect of you dd getting more work at her readiness level too,yes? good luck grinity

You know, I wonder if the school culture doesn't have something to do with it. My DS6 has been raised to be non-competitive but this past year at public, he's become very interested in the idea of being the best and ahead of everyone else. His focus has turned from enjoying the process of learning to beating others. I think someone at school is reinforcing him positively using words such as "you won" "you're the best at that". It's really sad. I think changing the school culture is beyond the scope of my duties as a parent, though, so I'm in the process of pulling him out.

I think that's a good point, GTH. When DS7 wasn't challenged sufficiently, I saw him (then 5-6yo) bragging and ranking classmates from smartest and down at school with other kids in the class.

Some of that ranking stuff is just natural for the age, an outgrowth of the categorization that they do at that age, I think. So I suspect it might go beyond school culture, even. Though I think you're right that culture often supports and rewards it. It sure sounds like the teacher isn't doing anything to stop it...

But IMHO, more challenge tends to cut back on the "I'm the best" stuff. DS7 doesn't do a lot of ranking of the kids in his math class anymore, except as a way of saying to ME that he fits in well with the other kids, who are 2-5 years older than he is. If he misses one or two and considers himself in the top three in the class, I'm quite pleased with that fit and kind of glad to hear about how he rates himself! It's helpful, not bragging to other kids.

FWIW...