Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Defiant, resistant, and anxious

I'm glad that resonated for you, too, Dazey. I really feel like last year was all about MY learning. Only this year is it really about his learning.

Not that he didn't learn school stuff last year. He did. But that was really secondary to what I learned about how to work with him, what he needed, what he was capable of doing.

Then, this year, he just TOOK OFF! All the scrambling around in the dark was over. We knew what we were doing, we had a system down, and it just WORKS! His progress amazes me. His confidence and joy make me happy. His focus on his work and love of learning really make me proud of him.

I'm getting sappy, so I need to shut up! But you know what I mean. He's just blossomed this year. It's really a good fit for him. But it took some time to get to that point.

To answer your question about the risk: he goes to a public gifted school, and if I take him out I can't put him back.
A thousand people would kill to have our spot.
The school has actually been pretty supportive.
But it's really a terrible setting for my son.
Half the boys in the class have terrible problems.
It really serves girls better.

Our zoned school is terrible-- full of underperforming kids.

So there's a risk. But not one I care that much about right now.

Though the whole thing reminds me a little (or I'm afraid it does) of the time I gave up a full scholarship to a great university based on some weird anti-elitist communist things I had going on at the time. I hope I'm not foisting my own nihilism on my son.

LOL! No, if he's not happy, that's not your nihilism. It's always good to ask the question though. If you're asking, you're probably not screwing up, you know?

How does he feel about the idea of homeschooling?

Thanks MinnieM - great passage to share especially as my little one is often so defiant. Since Montessori they told me " he seems to see adults as someone that will come along and ruin his fun/fight with him/stop him being himself" - instead of helpers. Still working on getting over that - and school in general doesn't seem to help.

BronxMom - didn't your son just have surgery though? I may have missed the news on another post - but if he did, I would thik he would need tons of time to recover and get back to normal, and he had that bad infection which has probably worn him out too.

I see a difference in DS6 after just 3-10 days at home with no school v. school days - when he is worn out and then "homework" or evening "homeschool" for enrichment is hard. Last week he started yelling that he watnd to finish his spelling. I told him I was sure he was too tired, could see he would - and once he yelled I said I wouldn't continue when he was in such a state - but I kept calm myself. Makes it worse if you get angry too. He tantrumed and cried and went to time out - and then I gave him a braek whilst I took my shower. Then he calmed down and wanted to complete it - but it made me realise that his mood needs to be taken into account before we start. Schools wears him out.

Hang in there. Maybe if you don't "try" it will get easier. Is he still in school?

hi, everybody--

This is mostly just a note to let you know that I'm thinking of all of you! I had a few, very random, thoughts more (sorry not to be more coherent here):

How is your son's health, bronxmom? Wasn't he having all those funny strep things? He may be feeling really crummy, on top of all the stuff at school. As Dazey and Kriston say, it might well be time just to have a break. An awful lot of stuff is "educational," without being school-y. Helping you take care of the baby would be very educational! Or helping you with your tax return (I still remember sorting receipts for my dad when I was little--I learned a lot about the farm that way). Cooking together is good, grocery shopping together is good, planting some radishes in a flowerpot is good, going for a walk in the park looking for signs of spring is very good....

You know, I really, really don't like the taking recess away--not only do kids need the break to run around, they need not to be put in a position where they are shamed. Not nice.

This is subversive, and possibly not super-ethical, but if you decide to have him finish the year at school, what would you think about just *doing* his homework yourself? (ack! ducks while people throw brickbats...) If it's something you know that he knows, and it is just frustrating him and making him unhappy to have to trudge through it, it might be worth thinking over setting one's moral qualms aside and just getting it over with, so that he can survive the year. I think lessons in academic integrity could come up some other year, when he's in better shape.

montana, three kids are just hard some days--I'm sorry the baby's not sleeping better--it's so hard to cope when you're tired. I am not trying to talk you into homeschooling at all, but one reason that it works well for us is that the boys have such different sleep schedules. I get a lot done with Groucho early in the morning while Harpo is still sleeping, for instance.

Sorry you're having some hard days, too, IronMom--I think this is a difficult time of year for little peanuts--winter isn't fun anymore, but the nice weather isn't quite here yet. Hang in there.

peace
minnie

So much of what your are saying BronxMom, fits the behaviors of my 10 year old. I've been making a concerted effort to not raise my voice or argue with him at all. Sadly, I'm not all that successful...but I keep trying. Homework is less of a battle than it was 3 weeks ago, but still a tremendous stress on all of us. DS is anxious, defiant, resentful, and has melt downs at the drop of a hat AT HOME. In school, other than his lasck of attention to detail, disorganization and refusal to complete written assignments, he is seen as a cheerful, well adjusted student. Home schooling is not an option right now for us, but DS hates the idea of it anyway. I really hope that if you go that direction that it works well for you. It seems to work well for alot of the families on this board

MinnieMarx,
Thank you for the quotes. I need to get that book and read it since I'm not at all sure how to get DS to that emotionally secure place. But it does describe DS very well.

Yeah, elh, that sounds familiar! This is another reason I'm unsure about homeschooling-- the anxiety seems worse with me. At school he is sloppy and wildly underachieving, but cheerful. Probably the teacher does not have so much at stake with him, and doesn't ride him as much. He even cheerfully ignores much of the work he's asked to do (any writing), and she lets him because she's got too many other students to manage.

He claims to not want to go to school anymore and he hates much of what they do, but he looks pretty happy coming out at the end of the day. But when I ask if he'd prefer to continue going to the school or be homeschooled with me, he says he wanted to be homeschooled. Confusing.

And yeah, you guys have good memories... he did just have surgery, a little less than 2 weeks again. And he had a rocky recovery. I didn't make him do anything at all for a week-- bad cartoons seemed to be all he could handle-- then I switched what he was watching to something more educational-- then I starting asking him to spend some time reading. Finally, after a week and a half, I tried to address the huge folder of homework that had come from the school. I picked out just a few pages that I thought would be interesting to him, tried to approach it with good humor and not too much pressure on him, but-- boom! there was the same defiant, resistant, almost panicky reaction of no! no! no!.

This is what prompted me to post.

My kids used to be very well behaved and cheerful for the sitter or at pre-K and then FALL APART with me! From what I read, that's common with kids. They know you love them no matter what, so they save up all their upset and dump it on mom. Not fun for mom, but a sign that a child is secure in the relationship with mom.

The worse the blow-up when home, the less happy the child is when away from mom. When DS7 started blowing up at school, too, I knew something was really not working.

If your DS understands what homeschooling is and wants to do it, that's a sign!

Before you take the plunge, how about writing up a contract about homeschooling with him (have him help make it up!) about behavioral expectations, his duties, his responsibility for his own education, etc.? Then you both sign it. Post the contract somewhere public and refer to it regularly.

Kids take that stuff seriously! I did this with my college students, and it worked well with them, too. I think a contract is a good way to make the expectations real to him and make him take you seriously as the boss.

One other thought: have you asked him why he has that reaction during a calm period when he's able to think and talk rationally? It might be worth a try...

I'm going through something similar w/ my Ker. Teacher and psych says he's happy and engaged at school yet every morning he's asking not to go. When he comes home, he seems OK. Now two weeks ago, he was very sad when he got off the bus and he was upset as school as well so the teacher started sending him to the school psych. We sort of fixed the noise issue in the lunch room which was causing him anxiety but he still says he wants to homeschool. We have the complicating issue that DS8 is being homeschooled. I will be HSing my Ker in the fall for 1st grade or sooner if he gets worse again. DS5 says he is tired of learning stuff he already knows.

The psych did say that he could be seemingly happy at school but not letting it out until he gets home. I know I constantly heard from DS8's teacher that he's fine at school but he was miserable when he got off the bus and begged, begged, and cried not to go to school.

Kriston - I like the idea about the contract!

I wonder if I can rephrase my question a little bit:

Could it be "normal" to have a PG child who is just not that interested in learning?

Or if you have a PG child who resists learning as I have described, is it always an indication that something is seriously wrong?

My son has made comments to me like: "Why can't you accept that I'm just a normal, ordinary kid."