Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Hindsight......random thoughts

Do you ever find yourself thinking back to different events and thinking how much sense things make now that your kid has been identified as GT? I think that parents of GT kids should get a heads up before they arrive so we (those of us who were clueless) can prepare. I'm sure all parents feel that way, but sometimes I just think how differently I might have handled certain things if I'd known what was really going on. And the thing is, there were so many clues and hints that I can see so plainly now (with the benefit of hindsight, of course). Isolated things that spread out over time, seemed odd or different, but wow! looking at everything cumulatively, it paints a much clearer picture.

Anybody else ever feel that way?

Oh, SOOOOO yes!

I thought I was doing pretty well to have some third grade level books around the house for my Ker. That's plenty high, right? Then I found out they were significantly too easy for him--which explained why he rarely read anymore--and I felt like such a bad mom!

I wasn't, of course. But I sure felt like it!

I suspect it's the norm to feel that way, not the exception...

I did ok with the early stuff, but oh how I wish I had a crystal ball!!

I wish I would've had a crystal ball about PS not GT. That part was obvious I just didn't realize how much (still not to what extent-no ind. testing but the screening was probably close). What I didn't know was exactly how ahead we were when we switched from Montessori to PS. I WISH we would've spent the past two yrs in Montessori. DD4 will get the benefit of the hindsight....And I've become an extra tutor for DD8.....

hi mschaff -

would you mind elaborating? My DS4y11m is in montessori right now. And we might have to do PS K in the fall for $$ reasons.

We have not done ind. testing either so his LOG is a guess. (MG+?) I am worried that public K will be a disaster. I know, depends on kid's personality, indv. teacher etc.)

Anyway, if you don't mind sharing your DD8's transition from Montessori to PS I would appreciate it.

No problem, I never know how much to share. I can be pretty long winded. not sure where to start.

The montessori school put DD8 in K at 4. We were surprised since we were clueless about what was normal for her to be doing at that age and although we were concerned about maturity issues we let her go to K at 4 (TGiving Bday). She did fine. DH was set at this point that DD8 needed to be with her age group eventually. She is little for her age and he felt very strongly about her being with her age group and being the oldest vs the youngest. At the end of her K year I went to visit the PS K. I came back and told DH that no way could I do that to DD8 since the PS K was going to spend months learning letters/numbers/colors/shapes and she was reading well and was telling time, money and adding/subtracting several columns, not to mention other math skills.

So we left her at montessori for 1st. The Mont. was always showing us her work and what needed improving, but there was no mention of level of work. We were also fairly clueless about what the SAT-10 results meant since the GEs we felt were probably inaccurate based on the definition we read. I had wanted to leave her at montessori another year but DH was concerned she would be left out of friendships if she didn't move now and most of the private schools that go beyond elementary are very inconvenient for us.

I was sort of 50/50 on putting her into PS 1st or 2nd grade. DH wanted her with her age group. When we met with a 1st and 2nd grade teacher they looked at her work and said she would do fine in either grade but made no recommendation threw around buzz words like differentiation. We fell for it. So we put her in PS 1st grade and other than some harder spelling words last year she hasn't been challenged last year or this. We had no idea how far ahead she was.

Anyways, I wish I would have left her in Mont. because she has stagnated to some extent and is now a bit reluctant of challenges. I have started supplementing. I am going to feel much stronger about having DD4 stay until at least 2nd grade and also doing private testing so we can bypass the group testing.

I should say DD8 is happy though so that is what is important. I recently asked DD8 if she wanted to take the tests to skip 3rd grade and she said no she's fine with extra work from me and staying with her friends and next year she will be clustered with a GT certified teacher. (can't blame her I did something similar in school to my mom). Of course she may change her mind later, she's more fickle than I am.

I don't know if any of this helps you or not. I know $$ are a concern. I know this will probably play a part when DH and I discuss what to do with DD4 but I figure I can get at least thru 1st since we did that with DD8. And he knows how I feel about the PS decision for DD8.

DD8 lets us know sometimes as well when she has her "why was I held back moments" when she sees some of the friends that used to be with her. At the time we felt we were doing the right thing overall. (ie not being 2 yrs younger than some in High School). So Elem. may be tough but we have wonderful jr high magnet and many HS options, dual credit, etc.

This ended up way too long, so sorry.

Looking hindsight, a lot of things make more sense.... though, it wasn't a smooth ride. My 15 year old so was identified in kindergarten - without a doubt. The doubt began around 3rd grade because of serious underachievement and non compliance (excellent test scores). By 5th, I exited him and by the time he was in 7th, he wanted to be identified again so we did the full battery of tests offered in a new district. He was one of two students accepted into the GT program after testing 75 students and again, the director tells me "without any doubt"

Last year, he was finally diagnosed with ADHD and he had made an incredible turn around with completing work.

Sometimes I feel like his combination of giftedness and ADHD has caused many to question his abilities and my parenting harshly.

I wish I would have had some idea back in the younger years - I could have been more attuned to DSs frustration and recognizing it for what it was. He was a late talker, so there was a lot of frustration on his part and mine about a lot of things. I would change that if I could. Having the knowledge now makes such a difference.

I realized my DD was different very early but it was not until she had turned two that I stumbled onto the idea of gifted. In hindsight I wish I didn't have the term. It makes me second guess everything. Before I wouldn't think twice about giving my DD different things but now I am already freaked by what she knows and can't help but think that we have another 2 1/2 years before she starts Kindergarten and at the rate she is going I don't see how she could ever be happy there, so I find myself not introducing things to her. Am I holding her back? I don't really know. I still see her cognitive abilities developing in leaps and bounds just through her imaginative play and communication. I also think does it really matter if the kid has mastered such things as multiplication in the next year? I see that more as hindering her in school then helping. I think a lot of the kids get in the PS and get frustrated with what they know and what they are allowed to do in school, so why would I put my DD in that position but then again I think how would I really be able to slow her down when all she knows up to this point is really self learned with a little guidance from DM?

Yea ... knowing earlier doesn't really help, at least for this mom. It just makes me question everything. Sometimes living in the black hole and not knowing what is to come and issues others faced is a bliss.

We absolutely did not know what is going on till S transferred out of a private school in 5th grade and was allowed to fly...
To tell the truth, we were a little ashamed of him...

Oh yes!

For quite a while I was convinced that the parenting books/websites were the biggest lie I have ever read!
Either that, or my DD had some alien blood in her LOL.

I still remember when she was two that I posted in other parenting board whether it was really true that 2 year old children cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy because mine did. I was surprised by the few answers I got....

As well, I wondered for a few months if the baby of a friend had some cerebral damage, until I noticed that all the other babies look more like baby's friend than mine. That baby is now a child who is perfectly fine, probably is even an intelligent child!

Anyway, it would have helped to have some more clue with DD5.5.

I try to learn from my mistakes and not to to do them with DS2.6

I just wanted to add that I did not mean that in a 'mean' way. The baby was slightly premature and I really thought there was a problem.

Why would you be ashamed of him?

LOL - alien blood. I thought surely I must be totally overstating what DS was doing when I looked at the books. Even when I was pregnant and had to count fetal movements - the doctor assured me I was doing it wrong, that there usually wasn't THAT much movement....

Dottie ... I have the tall and gifted child. I have started calling her my amazon girl because she is just as tall as the 4 year olds in the neighborhood. One mom was shocked to find out she is only 2 1/2 and assumed she would be starting kindergarten this fall. Even knowing that DD is gifted I jump to the conclusion that she is shocked by her height not anything else. LOL But reading your post I have to laugh because it was clear that Katelyn's speech was advanced beyond a four year old but I never thought that was what would bring the mother into disbelief. I know I know ... denial!

And as far as the comments about something wrong with other kids ... I still do it. There is a four yr old that lives across the street and I can't understand half of what she says. I am sure she needs therapy but I also don't have anything to gauge that against. I keep telling myself it isn't fair to compare other kids to DD.

What a road you've been on.

Yes! It brings me to tears often because had I really known, or had I understood the complexities, the first 4.5 years would've gone MUCH differently for DS5.

HHmmm interesting conversation....I too got the comments about my 2nd son and always thought they were talking about his height but he too was a precocious talker. I just always assumed they were talking about his height. I'd get the question "Why aren't you in school?" and he say, "I go to pre-school."

LOL, I have a tall DS4...and although I knew something was up early on..I was always so happy he was bigger because at least when he does exceptionally advanced things people thought he was older. They were pretty amazed then they saw what they thought was a 3 year old reading signs in the stores...but if they knew he had just turned 2 that would have been even more awkard. I used to pray that people wouldn't ask his age because I didn't want to lie to them, and I wasn't ashamed of him...just the situations and awkwardness. Anyhow, now that I am considering skipping K, I am glad he is a tall kid. It works well for us.

So sorry you are going through all this. I have to say that most parents don't know what they are doing. Yes, some know more than others how to handle things...but good parents will try to learn and try to change things when they aren't working. It sounds like you are doing exactly that. I teach parenting classes, I have researched working with and parenting gifted children, I have looked here for support...And I STILL don't think I have everything quite right yet. No one is the perfect parent. It's normal to look back and see what we could do different. Hindsight is 20/20, what matters now is to look ahead and do all you can. It's not like it's too late, they are still young. I learn more every day.

Sometimes I kick myself for not going with my initial instincts (like my ridiculous idea that DS4 didn't need a pre-k with academics since he was so far above pre-k academics...I felt I should just put him in a play-based pre-k. That was an awful experience and they kicked him out after a month. That had to be very hard and confusing for him and if I hadn't done that and gone straight to the Montessori things would have been better. BUT, he survived and I survived and although it seemed like the worse thing ever at the time...he doesn't seem scarred from the event and is thriving in his new program. Parenting is all about making mistakes and hopefully learning from them. Please don't feel like people on here are more qualified to parent your child. You are the parent you are looking for resources and help...that already puts you above so many parents that think they have all the answers and don't.

There isn't a parent on here that doesn't worry that they're not doing everthing right. Don't let the "typed persona" fool you. How can you know? You just have to make the best decision you can everyday and move on. The key to these kids IMO, is flexibility. Having a willingness to change whenever you need to. That and a sense of humor!!

shellymos,

What a lovely post and I hope it helps master of none with her demons of self doubt in the parenting department. The funny/strange thing is I read these posts on this board and I have not drawn that conclusion of "parents who instinctively know how to nurture exceptional talent- like many of the parents on this board." It comforts me to know I am not the only one and we all ask questions and have such different opinions. I don't think there is a single parent on here that feels they have all the answers (I could be wrong) and I hope master comes to realize this and know that we are all stumbling through this some further along but still hoping that the last decision was the right decision.

And as far as your preschool choice I have to admit that has been my opinion on DD and why I chose a playbased school. I have also told my DH that we will go into it openly and if in the first few months we see it isn't a right fit then we will move on. Now I am really curious on what happened with your DS that he was kicked out in a month. If that is too bold and you don't want to share I totally understand but I want to go in with eyes open in know what signs I should be looking for so if she needs to go to a school more in line with Montessori I will be able to make the decision quickly.

Thanks! Obviously every single pre-school is different, but I will share our experience. We put DS4 in pre-k in the fall. We had planned to put him in Montessori but it fell through as the program changed and didn't have a class for his age. So we scrambled and found a playbased program. It had a trampoline, air hockey etc. They had 4-5 year olds as some of the kids came there before going to K in the afternoon. It was fairly unstructured and there was really almost nothing academic or learning related to do, other than some computers. He was supposed to be there daily until 12:30pm. They had no behavior management system in place because "kids have so much fun they don't misbehave" warning...never believe that. I didn't believe it but I thought it might work. So he did great the first week, then he had some behaviors here and there and they never told me about it. I kept trying to get in to meet with them to come up with a plan but they said he was fine and it wasn't necessary. Then one day (after he had been there a total of about 3 1/2 weeks) they left a message on my voicemail saying he couldn't come back. That he would probably need a program where he had a 1:1 aide through special education, even though he was bright.
Then after tears and heartache we regrouped and started him in another program, 3 days a week for a couple hours. He was there 3 months and didn't have behavior issues. They had a behavior management system in place and he followed it. He did act out a little, but they felt it was because they struggled to challenge him and they felt they couldn't keep up with him and that he really didn't relate to the other children. He still played with them and did well socially, and seemed to enjoy going to school...but it seemed like he needed more. We are glad we put him there in some ways because it was a good confidence booster for us and him. They felt he was an amazing child and really missed him when he left. Then we started a montessori program and he has been there 3 months so far and it is wonderful. He has no behaviors there at all. They do say that it is difficult to challenge him still, but it seems they are able to. We recently had him tested and now see that he is a PG child, which explains a lot and makes more sense. We thought he was but didn't realize the extent of it. We now know that when he is not challenged at all, he tends to act out.

So that is our story...even though it is probably longer than you wanted. : ) I have heard that some play-based programs work good for kids though. His second program was fairly play-based, but more structured and it worked okay. It's all about the fit for the child because they are all so different.

Not shellymos but we had an almost kicked out of preschool experience with DS6 (then 4). If I hadn't have pulled him out I think he would have been kicked out.

He is very high energy and highly verbal. He didn't accept the rules from the adults unless there was a solid explanation for them. They told him that 4 year olds don't read. They told him to sit and be quiet all the time. They gave time outs excessively. DS6 eventually started to lash back. He hit the teachers. He talked back at the teachers (lots of "I hate yous", "I'm going to kill you", "I'm going to poop on you")He said whatever he could to make an impact. He enjoyed sitting at the director's desk of the daycare/preschool. He told me that at least he didn't have to sit in the classroom anymore and constantly get into trouble.

Academically they did not offer any challenge and I knew that they would not since it was a play based preschool. They would not allow early entry to their private K program. They only follow district policy.

DS6, even now, is a little more physical than most kids. A simple game of tag usually can turn into full contact football. The teachers could never find a way to curb his behavior besides repeated time outs and see above to see how those worked out.

The signs I saw in DS6 that made me get him tested was that his behavior at home was no where near the reported behavior at school. DS6 also had frequent angry outbursts when I asked him about school. My only regret is that I waited almost 8 months to get him tested before pulling him out of that situation. I honestly was in gifted denial and thought that DS6 was just one of those "bad" kids.

We also ended up in Montessori after I pulled him out. This was a great fit for DS6, but only temporarily. DS6 does not like repetition, at all. A lot of Montessori is repetition. You need to complete certain activities a certain number of times in a particular order to move on. DS6 did rebel against some of these processes even though the teachers were willing to work with him. DS6 did not stay there for K since it was only a 3-6 year old school and he had outgrown the materials within 7 months of starting there.

In hindsight I had wished I kept him there this year because even if he did not learn anything he would probably be having much more fun than in his current Public School K/1st grade situation.

Every decision I make for DS6 has been a tough one. I am now realizing that I can't regret them because I would constantly live in regret. Parenting PG kids is tough. I love Shari's advice of having a sense of humor.

Crisc, My DS only last at Montessori for a week! He went through everything in the classroom and said "now what?" They tried to get him to do the same things again, with small variations... Just like yours, repitition is a dirty word for my DS. At the end of the week the Director told me she just didn't think it would work out. They could have moved him up to the older class but they had very strict rules about that which I found very odd since in Montessori a child is supposed to be able to progress as needed.

Wow, where do I start. First thank you for sharing your stories and I have to say eye opening as I read them.

Shellymos - I had a little sigh of relief that the school we signed up for is not exactly like what you described. She will be going to a church based play-based preschool where they do have curriculum under the Wee learn curriculum. Not that this means anything to DD since I looked at the curriculum and she is beyond all of their curriculum all the way through the pre-K classes. BUT (here is what I am hoping) the way in which they claim to teach is more projects which includes a lot of art projects and I think this will be right up DD's alley since she will sit for hours doing art projects at home. Even if they have criteria wrapped around it such as the letter of the week I am hoping the fact that they are doing it in a project DD will be excited about it. They also have structure built in and it isn't a free for all so I hope this is a benefit. I know for a fact that DD and timeouts only work when used sparingly. We hardly ever use them with her and instead talk about the issue and give her options. She might get a timeout once a month at this point. So I am sure if she is put into that situation it won't come out well for her. (BIG SIGH)

Then I read on to Crisc post and now I really start worrying because what you describe sounds more like what we signed up for but like I said, I have no illusions that everything would be perfect. I might have before really starting to understand gifted children but not anymore. So of course I doubt our choice but we will soon find out if it is a right choice. And in keeping with this thread of hindsight and knowing about gifted: The fact that I understand gifted it does empower me in that I wouldn't hesitate to pull her out if it looks like the program is not working out. Before knowing about gifted, who knows how I would have responded... probably thinking it falls under bad kid issues and not that it wasn't a good fit. If that makes sense.

And in regards to Montessori schools I have located one here that really interests me in that it is a French Immersion Montessori school. So if the preschool doesn't work out I will be looking into that one. I have also been looking into foreign language programs for summer time but around here they don't start until they are 3 yr old so something I will look into next summer.

And Shari ... The moving up to the older class issue is one I have heard repeatedly in our area and still scratch my head about. There are a lot of Montessori schools around here and not all do that but a number of my friends have had issues with this. So it sounds like you did the right thing for your son.

That does not sound like the Montessori I attended.

We did the daycare/montessori open house tour when Mr W was a year old.

Mr W's visit went like this - play in age peer room for 5 minutes, go to next room (18-24mo) and do a puzzle, go to next room( 24-36 mo), pullout a chair and look at a book.

Only once place noticed what he was doing. "Wow, he'll fit in well here."

They said they had milestones and once he made them, he'd move to the next room and that "some kids move 1 month early."

When we looked at their milestones, Mr W had all but one of the 24 mos milestones, but do you really think they'd advance him in with the 2+ year olds?

When we asked about naps, they said that they had 2 x 1 hour naps each day. We indicated Mr W did not nap but maybe 15 min, but they said they'd "work" with him.

Like we don't. Any attempt to "work" with him on naps and not let him play will turn him into a screaming banshee.

It was pretty clear that they'd never been around a kid like him.

It had all the ingredients for a big mess. So, he stays at home.

I've felt this way before and sometimes, just when I think I've got the hang of things with DS, he changes it up a bit and I start all over. I've read so many books on so many different topics trying to figure out how to be the best parent to DS and figure out how to help him be the happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid we all want for our kids. I think we all do that.

Nobody will love your kid the way you do - able to nurture exceptional talent or not.

Katelyn's mom,
No worries, it sounds like a good setup. DS4 did well in his pre-k program before this montessori program too. They had a set-up where they played in a big gym and jumped around, then had a type of circle time, centers. The also had music and movement and sign language. They still had a letter of the week and on Fridays they would bring in something that started with that letter. He still enjoyed that, even if he knew his letters forwards, backwards and in spanish...and can read. Sometimes even though they know things it's still fun for them. And another thing I have noticed, I often don't hear stories about gifted girls acting out at schools, especially in pre-k. In fact, I have never heard a story of this. (If anyone has a story, feel free to share).

Montessori is a good fit for some, but not everyone. I really thought it was made for DS, but I was afraid that he would act out since they don't have a behavior management system there, but so far so good. Not one behavior issue and it's been months. I don't know if they can challenge him in every area, but I think they are doing a decent job trying at least. Plus he comes home with more cultural information and information about different areas and not just math...which is what he is usually hyper-focused on.

Austin - LOL about "working with him" for naps. I wonder what that would look like. I could never have started DS in a program before this year. I did try it at 3 and he was in a program for 4 months (just 4 hrs a week). It was an awful fit...he could barely talk with the kids because they barely talked. He didn't understand why they weren't speaking english...in retrospect it is quite funny. At the time it wasn't. Time heals all wounds, well most of them.

Great question and one I ponder. From my understanding it isn't that girls really act out but they try to fit in which is a real concern for me. I have already noticed that DD dummies herself down when around other kids her age. It took her forever to feel comfortable in public. Before she was the quiet one that you would have no clue about her abilities. Now she does talk but not near the level she is capable of unless excited about something. I have noticed recently that she is coming more out of her shell. So my big concern is the more time she spends with kids her own age she will adjust herself to be more 'normal' and fit in. I have heard of kids regressing when they get into programs like this and when I say we will have to monitor her I am basically talking about the above more so than behavioral problems.

I'll share

After months of stressing about the perfect fit, I put dd (then 3) in a "play-based" church-run preschool. I didn't give the teachers any warning about dd. I guess I hoped that she would have so much to learn about hanging up her coat and walking in a line to recess that she wouldn't stick out much (it was her first time going to any type of school). And I thought it wasn't that important for me to tell them about her because the school had very little emphasis on academics (just 10 minutes of circle time).

On the second day, the teacher walked dd to my car and said rather pointedly, "Are you aware that she can read?" Needless to say, I was aware Apparently the teacher was trying to get the 3-year-olds to start recognizing their own names by pulling a name out of the hat to select a child to be line leader. DD jumped up in excitement and shouted out, "Lauren - it's you!!"

Things were fine for a few weeks ... I think dd enjoyed the novelty of school and was on her best behavior ... but then the bloom was off the rose.

She started acting out. Nothing awful. But at least one thing every day of school (she was only going 2 mornings a week). And each day the teacher would walk dd to my car and say, "Today your dd3 had a time out after she opened a window I repeatedly asked her not to open. Why would she do that?" Or "Today, your dd3 disturbed the entire line of children when she sat down in a puddle on her way out to recess. Why would she do that?" And dd would often become so excited about something completely non-thrilling to other children ... the letter A, perhaps ... that she would jump around the room ecstatically. The teacher just didn't know what to do with her.

Needless to say, it turned into a bad situation. I was getting so stressed about what the teacher would say at pick-up each day. And I feared I was leaving dd with a negative take-away message. That she was bad. Or at least badly behaved. And all I wanted for her to get out of preschool was a love of school. And she certainly wasn't getting that.

We switched her to a private gifted school and all of the behavior problems disappeared. Same kid. They just knew how to handle her better. To challenge her mind.

As we had a psychologist tell us, "Kids like this ... their minds are always going. So either you give them something to do to stimulate them ... or they're going to think of something themselves ... and it's rarely good."

Thanks for sharing Irisheyes. I knew it had to happen for some girls, but just hadn't heard of it. I have heard of girls pulling back and holding it all in, or pretending to not know things. Not that that is any better. Glad she found a better program. We had the same situation with our DS. Better program made for no behavior issues. But I too remember the dread of hearing how he did each day when he was in his 3yo program. It was way to stressful.



How true. We have found to give DS things to do when he gets antsy. He just craves more and more brain stimulation, and it seems to settle him more. That's why play-based program didn't work for him. Plus I think the amount of kids/lack of structure was a little overwhelming. I do worry about Public school in the fall.

I few of you on this post have already read about some of my DS(4 next week). After the last pre-school trial, and failure because of the unruly boys, and because of the tension he experienced when he wouldn't comply to circle time and wanting to be the leader. We pulled him due to up to 10 nightmares per night, shaking when picking him up, plus he regressed in speaking... It turned into an "everyone for themselves" dynamic in the classroom. He is extremely gun-shy with authority figures now, and am looking for advice on whether or not to try to start him in another school right away (if I can find one), try fun summer school programs, or wait until next fall (if I find something). He has been out of school for 3.5 weeks now. My Mother is pressuring me to put him somewhere (it is really not her decisooin, I realize, and I can be firm with her) because she thinks it would be best for him. People keep telling me, "you won't know how he'll do until he tries." I am scared for him that he will act out because he is scared and still doesn't feel safe again, someone will act extremely disappointed in him for acting out, and then he will feel like he failed again. No one knows what his little psychy has been through. He has a speech delay to begin with and is just starting to talk more again. He has been acting like he doesn't know things that he knew before pre-school...that he has known for 2 years. His writing was getting pretty good until the boys came in; but having him do it at home now, still is shaky. Does anyone have any advice on how long it may take him to re-coup. He is a sensory child; and we are starting OT therapy back on Monday. Lately we have been reading at night with him (he sits snuggled in between my DH and I on the sofa), the same 6 books from the library for 8? nights now. He chimes in on about 40-50 of the words by memory when I pause to see if he'll remember them. It has been his real only sign of confidence lately...and I think that it happens because he is almost tricked into doing it. As I have said before, he won't perform what he knows unless he wants to. Any like experiences? Thanks (sorry so long-I'm just sad for him, and no one is being very supportive around here, except my DH). My Mom sees that I am stressed about the situation, but thinks it's DS stressing me out. DS has been an angel now that his steroid stuff seems to be out of his system. It's mostly her.;)

This is very very random and everyone will think I am nuts but here goes.
This is really funny because when I was in labor I was saying the letters and numbers in 2's and 3's etc to get through the contractions. It is funny because my DS practically come out of me knowing them !
I just told my DH this recently and he did think it was a funny coincidence of all things I was doing it was letters and numbers.

I don't think this is nuts. Both my girls seem to love the two friends that I talked to the most here at work when I was pregnant with them. In one case DD8 has had a crush on the male friend since she could walk, she even said it was ok that he was getting married with a sad look on her face. They were never shy of them (shy being relative with my two-more like slightly reserved compared to normal is all I ever get for maybe 2 minutes if even that). We speculate this is because the voices of these two friends were so familiar......

maybe I'm nuts too.

If you don't have to put him in something right away I would say, wait and give him time to heal.

Then you willhave time to a) consider what you want him to get out of preschool/prek and then b) find the right fit.

My ds was in a preschool situation that was a poor fit when we moved, but not as extreme as the trauma your son has had. we switched him to a montessori right away and he did fine after a few weeks. differences, my ds is probably Mg with no huge sesitivity issues (just small ones) and he had been at another preschool that had been great. so he was used to the scchool routine and had positive supportive associations with school.

So you may eventually find something that will work for youir ds. But in his current fragile state, stick to your guns and wait until you find the right place.


Oh, and "a fun summer program" might be just the ticket for a transition, or might be too chaotic. tread carefully there too.

Thank you master of none. I have been thinking about what you said. My DS is not much of a talker (delay), but lately he has been so down on himself. He said tonight that he is "not nice" and he is scared. We don't use the word "bad," but he is told that the things he does sometimes (i.e. hitting in frustration)is "not nice, and it hurts." He learned hitting from the unruly boys. We don't hit. Our family is all about bringing each other up. Thank you so much for your words. We need to really start building him back up. We praise him all of the time, and tell him how proud we are of him for no reason at all, and he gets constant hugs and kisses. But obviously we need to do more for him. So thank you.

After reading more of your posts, you all have given me more confidence about my decision to have him home with me. I am a SAHM who works for my DHs company doing the tasks, a few times a week (at night mostly), that he doesn't want or have time to do. I really enjoy being with our DS, our only child; so maybe just some time discovering more of his interests would be a great thing. He has playgroup friends; and we see them at least once or twice a week, and he loves the park nearby - when he find nice kids to play with. I will look into a summer program that is all fun. All his friends will be out of school though; so we'll see them constantly as well. I am thankful for all the advice and insights.

mschaff that is funny. Well maybe we both are nuts LOL.
I think maybe if I said the letters and numbers as my 2nd DS was born he might be more interested LOL! With him I got the epidural did not go all natural.

I don't think it's nuts b/c DS5 came out making this really weird squeaky noise... same noise that the steering wheel of my car made when I turned it! He still makes the noise in his sleep.

I don't know if my story completely aligns with yours tracey but I will use it here to show other strange things that proves you are not nuts or that we all are.

I am sure everyone has heard of the idea of singing to the child while still in the tummy and sticking with one or two songs so that it soothes them later when they are born. We did that ... for some reason I was messing with one of my dogs and started singing 'In the jungle' replacing The Lion with the dogs name. And The baby with DD name. The first time she was fussy I started singing that song and she stopped crying instantly to listen to it. Very sweet indeed. She now sings the song on her own (of course our revised version)just out of the blue it is either that one or Puff the Magic Dragon.

None of that is the weird thing ... when I was pregnant with her I would fall asleep in the crash and burn type. One night or very early morning I woke up to my DH tapping on my belly. I almost made a comment when I felt DD tapping back the same beat to him. I was stunned and figured it was a fluke so I stayed still and he did it again but changed up the beat and she repeated it back. I was freaking out at that point and sat up and made a comment about did you feel that she is mimicking you. He just laughed and said yes, she has been for weeks. We have been playing a lot while you are asleep.

To this day she has amazing rhythm.

We can put on Peter Cincotti's "Philadelphia" and Mr W will stop what he is doing, crying, or anything else and listen until its done. He will then want us to play it again. He has done this since he was 3 mos old when he first heard music over good speakers. ( He knew the difference..)

Starting when she was 6 mos pregnant, DW would play with Mr W who would tap her fingers when she pushed on him. They would play this for a long time. DW plays a lot of music when she is driving around, too.

This is exactly my concern. Shelly, I really needed to read this, thanks!

[quote=Irisheyes
As we had a psychologist tell us, "Kids like this ... their minds are always going. So either you give them something to do to stimulate them ... or they're going to think of something themselves ... and it's rarely good." [/quote]

Irisheyes, you have so described my DD, puddle jumping and window opening and all. I love how the psychologist summed it up.

Thanks, seablue.

I have to admit, in hindsight I think the actual teacher had a lot to do with our negative pre-school experience ... rather than the school itself. Our teacher, though a lovely woman, was a bit old-school in her expectations of how a 3-year-old should behave in her classroom. Perhaps if we had found a more free-spirited teacher who embraced what dd (then 3) could bring to the class - our story could have ended differently.

As it is, that stumbling block helped us find the school where we are today. And for that, I will always be thankful.