Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 13 yrs of denial...Is it too late???

NOTE: The following is a ridiculously long, self-indulgent pity party. You probably don't need to read it. I am hoping for some sort of catharsis by just getting this all out. Thanks.

I think I may have messed up completely as a Mom of a 2e child.

Baby- We knew DD was different from birth. She didn't want to sleep (still doesn't!) and needed to be walked around to look at things(pictures, the dish cupboard, the flowers in the garden) or she was miserable. Everyone scoffed at the new parents who thought a month old baby could be "bored." We took her on outings- even before 6 months she loved the petting zoo, garden tours and going to outdoor concerts. Really, she knew where she was. Everyone laughed.

18 mos- DD still not sleeping through the night. Bedtime was a horror- a screaming fit of not wanting to go to bed. We were obviously bad parents judging from the looks on our friend's faces. They said she needed socialization. So we put her in daycare a couple mornings a week. I am ashamed to say I was relieved to have time away from her. She demanded every bit of our time and always wanted our full attention. Daycare commented that she was "very...energetic." She was also too bossy. We tried to be more assertive parents. "Lay down the law, you are in charge," people told us. So we try. As I am driving her to daycare, DD tells me the following story at 20 months: I am a bird flying up to the sky. I fly so fast and I go up higher and higher. And I look down and see all the people and the houses. And I can see you and Daddy and I am waving to you. And you look up at me and then Daddy raises his hand and shakes his finger at me and says, "You get right back down here or you are going to time out!" Okay, I am crying now, because I can see the metaphore so clearly. But we didn't get it back then.

Preschool was tough. She went in at age 3. Her behavior was terrible- rolling around on the floor during circle time, blurting out answers, arguing with teachers. At 4 they called in the district shrink to observe her. Verdict- she had gotten the upper hand on the teachers, her confidence with adults was very high, and she needed boundaries. The doctor told us we had a choice: Either "break her spirit" now, or be prepared for a very difficult ride. She also recommended we avoid head to head battles with DD b/c we would lose. Then she gave us the obligatory parenting video to watch and suggested special classes- for us, not DD. We went. Nothing changed.

Another year of pre-school seemed unbearable. So we rented out our house and took her traveling. The 3 of us strapped on backpacks and headed to Southeast Asia. DD learned Balinese dancing in Indonesia and rode elephants in Thailand. She could bargain in the market for her own trinkets. She was an excellent traveler. She was responsible for choosing our rooms. DH and I would sit in reception while she checked out the guest house rooms. "The room is pretty clean but the bed is hard and a little lumpy. The toilet seat is cracked. We could probably do better." She had her 5th birthday on the road. After 6 months we came home.

Kindergarten. Because she was difficult, the teacher moved her desk into the hall as punishment. She said she didn't mind being alone out there, but we were horrified. Teacher conferences were so sad for us. We heard the same thing over and over..."Children need boundaries." Oh, really??!! Gee, thanks for the tip. They were also concerned that DD wasn't making friends, she scared kids b/c she was too loud, unusually tall and clumsy, and had personal space issues. They worried that she did not play house with the other girls but was in the block pen with the boys.

Grade 1- She complained daily of being bored and unhappy, begging not to be sent to school. Teacher assured us that was untrue: DD only a mid-level reader, just not interested in trying. Bright, yes, and highly verbal (non-stop talker,unfortunately) but not necessarily gifted. Also, she needs to stop singing in class. Oh, btw, I have a book you might be interested in on setting consequences at home...

We walked into her teacher conference and were blind-sided by an intervention. Teachers, school social worker, Principal, and some stranger all sitting there waiting for us. Do you know how that feels? They talked to us about medicating our child. And about parenting and how difficult it can be and how we should be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. We were against medicating and didn't really believe she had AD/HD- after all, we knew she could totally focus when she wanted to. She just didn't want to. Because we were weak parents and couldn't MAKE her do it.

In the spring of 1st grade, DD discovered a book called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. She becomes a reading maniac. Teacher is shocked at the jump she has made. DD is sent to the Principal's office when she is disruptive. She spends a lot of time there and likes it much better than class.

2nd grade- Great teacher. He lets DD do her own thing and loved her for her unique self. He told us she was very gifted. She was put into an enrichment program for higher level reading. She hated it. The books were a joke. The message was: "Fine, if you are so smart- here's EXTRA homework for you." She continued to beg not to go to school every morning, saying she would rather be dead than go back. Her teacher warned us about the third grade program- it tended to ruin the brightest and most creative kids. He was very concerned for DD. A grade skip was impossible, because she still struggled socially as an outsider. We asked the school for an IQ test. They assured us that was a terrible idea! So unnecessary. Why did we need to "reduce her to a number on a page?" they asked. They told us how difficult it would be on the child to be pulled from class in front of the other children and subjected to such a stressful event. We backed down. But we didn't send her back the next year.

We tried homeschooling but it was just a miserable battle of wills. So we unschooled her for almost 2 years, hoping her social skills would improve with more maturity and catch up to her intellect. One of those years was on the road, a hippie backpacker family traipsing through Africa, Asia, and Turkey.

When we arrived home, we tried school again (the last couple months of 4th grade.) Surprisingly, she wasn't behind at all after sitting out almost 2 years of school. But it was the same old story, misery and DD's lack of organization made everything more difficult at school. I just kept wondering where my life had gone. The second child's bedroom upstairs had become a guest room. DD was so all-consuming, how could we raise another child? What if the 2nd was the same way? Plus, our self esteem as parents was non-existent.

5th grade- a few months at a charter arts school until it went bankrupt. Then more unschooling.

6th grade- Enrolled in an inner-city magnet school that focused on character and conflict resolution skills. We see a huge improvement socially and are pleased. She doesn't like school, but she hates it less. She takes our state's mastery exam for the first time and attains a nearly perfect score. We are shocked. We knew she was smart, but she was so uneducated. How did she do that?

Based on her scores we advocated for a grade skip. The school was horrified. We persisted. They said they would consider our request. After a lengthy closed door meeting with a dozen teachers and staff, DD was placed in the 8th grade.

8th grade- We were concerned DD would be behind, but no, she was at the top of her class. She liked the 8th graders much better than her previous class and fit in better. Yet she was still under motivated and sloppy in her work, horrible with time management, and content to just 'phone it in' rather than do her best work. Her teachers loved her creativity, but wished she would participate more in class. (She thinks it is uncool to raise your hand.)

Suddenly faced with high school decisions, we decided we needed more information about her abilities. We went to Johns Hopkins for testing. By this point we expected to hear she was gifted. She is. (Nothing earthshaking, her FSIQ was 127, but the tester thinks she could go higher if she was more confident. DD would say, "I think the answer might be...."and be right. But the interviewer had to ask, "Is that your answer?" and DD would say "No, I don't know." So she couldn't be credited with the answer. Then the psychologist told us 127 was a misleading number. Her GAI score was 135 and a better indicator of her ability. She needed a GAI score because her processing speed and working memory scores were uniterpretable. Apparently, this is common with AD/HD kids and our daughter, based on scores and profile surveys completed by her teachers and by us, has AD/HD.

We shouldn't have been floored, but we were. We just went in to hear our daughter was smart. But the bigger news was that she was LD.

We spent 13 years second guessing ourselves. Really gifted kids are high achievers, self-motivated and single mindedly pursue their interests until they master them, right? So our DD was merely bright and lazy, starting new projects (with impossible goals) and then abandoning them shortly thereafter. Gifted kids were mature beyond their years, mine had hissy fits over the smallest set-backs. Gifted kids got perfect grades, mine wouldn't do her homework. And AD/HD? Not my kid! She could concentrate when she wanted to and she didn't struggle with classwork. She was just difficult and overly emotional.

So now I have a 13 yo who has only attended 1st,2nd,6th,and 8th grade. Yet her ACT scores say she is ready for college. Where would she be if we had only had her tested sooner? If we had educated her to her ability level maybe she would love learning instead of hating it. Where would she be if we had recognized her AD/HD when she was in pre-school? Maybe she wouldn't have struggled so much socially. I have an unhappy, unmotivated learner who still has never had a real best friend. And now all she seems interested in is boys.

We messed up and there is no do-over.

She participated in the CTY Talent Search and was accepted. We hope she will take a CTY class this summer if we can just convince her to spend three weeks doing academics during vacation.

She wants to go to boarding school. She applied and was accepted at an artsy school that would be a good fit for her creative and irreverent personality. But she has no idea what it means to really work for something. She has never done a couple hours of homework in an evening. She has never been in a school that actually has GRADES. She has never studied for a test. Can she learn to do this at this late date? I'm not so sure. If she does learn the skills, will she be challenged by the work? It isn't a highly competitive school and I would hate to be in the same boat in another couple of years.

We don't have any other great options for high school. There is no GT program here. All I can think of is how different it all could have been if we had just done things differently. I read this board and see parents already advocating for their pre-schoolers. Why didn't I? And is it too late for my kid to rise up up her potential?

So this is my pity party. I'm sorry you had to read it and I'm sorry I don't have any goody bags to hand out.

Thanks,
Lisa

I fail to see the problem. I think you did great and she's going to be fine. She sounds headstrong and she's lucky she spent so little time in school. Those people have no idea what they're doing, that's all I can say. I've heard that often, with a bright kid, that hippie parenting really works out. The kids end up craving structure and spend their adult lives learning organizational skills and prodding themselves to achieve.

Lisa,

First I want to give you a huge cyber hug b/c you need it. {{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Every parent has self doubt it is par for the course and since your course took you into some unusual areas and methods it is just that much easier to doubt yourself.

I am going to guess that the worse thing you could have done for your daughter is to leave her in that school environment. She was an exploding bomb and from your description it is almost textbook of highly gifted children in reference to high risk situations.

I do have to admit (and granted it was a long read and this could just be me) that I am confused by the ADHD. It sounded like people suggested this to you in the beginning and it isn't until now that you have the diagnoses... am I right on that? I am just a little confused on that point. If you are still not convinced she has ADHD you might want to look into sensory issues. A lot of gifted children get misdiagnosed with ADHD when in fact they have SI. A site you could look at for some guidance on this is http://www.sengifted.org/.

And I just want to add that there are many paths one can take and the path you took with your daughter sounds like a wonderful experience for her. She could have been in a class learning about culture and social studies in a book for what a few hours a week but instead she really got to experience it and I am sure she was taught on the road just more in line with what we do with the toddlers: learn through play method. Where they are learning but not in a sit down grab your books and memorize this method.

Don't give up hope on her potential. Just consider that now you have data to open eyes and with that you also have a starting point for your advocacy. I know before it was the 'experts' and the 'wise' telling you what needed to be done but you are educating yourself and getting the data together so you will be in control not the other way around. This is not to say advocating will come easy but you will have more confidence in yourself.

You did an absolute wonderful job! My son is 15 with nearly the same issues and was just "withdrawn" from his 4th school. We are now looking at specialty boarding schools.

wow... that made me cry a little.....

You are second guessing yourself.... I do it all the time!

But my son and I have a saying when we second guess ourselves, "But ya didn't Blanch, ya didn't." You know, the line from "Whatever Happened to baby Jane"

Don't second guess, you did what was right at the time. This isn't easy. There is no real guide book. Personally, I think you gave your daughter a great education.

Lisa-

That was very moving. It's so obvious that you care deeply and have worked hard to meet DD's needs all along. The flying story was a heart breaker.

Sounds to me like she's learned more out of school than in school. Maybe homeschooling with some freedom (unschoolish, but not completely without objectives) would be a good choice for her for high school.

I have to say, I have more concerns on the social front than on the academic side. Does she have a close friend or two? Are there still times when she acts inappropriately in public? By 13, most kids have learned to behave in a manner that will not get them sent to the principal's office.

best wishes,

I completely agree with the concerns of the social front but kids in 7th and 8th grade don't behave. Generalization here but those two grades are the absolute worse over all. And I realize that Lisa's daughter is in high school but she was skipped and by age is considered an 8th grader. So Lisa if you still have problems in this department does it seem to be more of the same issues she had when she was younger or is it a new set of problems? Just keep in mind that 12 and 13 yr old go through alot of changes but no one knows your daughter better than you and if she still has major problems on the social front you might want to find a therapist she can talk to.

Lisa,

I read your story and saw two very caring and giving parents who knew something was not quite right and never gave up on trying to figure it out.

It also sounds like your daughter posesses some character traits that will carry her through any *disadvantages* that her more bohemian education may (or may not!) cause.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope is WAS cathartic for you. Plus you may be helping others who read it.

You know, they say you haven't failed until you've quit trying. That seems incredibly applicable here.

Quit kicking yourself. If you did the best you could at the time, then you can be sad that it didn't go better, but you can't be so mean to the younger you. She was in a bad situation, and she tried hard.

Try this exercise:

Re-read your story and pretend that a friend of yours wrote it. What advice would you give her? (I'm betting it sounds very much like what all of us are saying to you, right?)

Now take your own advice.

Mostly, forgive yourself. Tomorrow is another day.

in Spanish we say: 'nunca es tarde si la dicha es buena' = it is never too late if the result is good .

I would start reading all the information about gifted - like Hoagies web pages for example.
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/

Start reading and educate yourself.

Wow. I was almost afraid to open up my post again. Thank you, everyone, for all your encouragement and compassion. I am feeling the love...

I feel better having gotten it all out there. It is hard not to look back, but that won't help my DD. I am pouring over all the information on this site and on Hoagies. I still may not get it right, but I am trying:-)

Kaitlyn'sMom- I guess they were trying to suggest ADHD in early elementary. But it didn't ring true to us. Our pediatrician dismissed the idea out of hand when we brought it up, so we just decided it was part of the mass over-diagnosis of AD/HD we heard so much about. We really attributed her behavior to too much energy and innate ornery-ness!

As far as her social issues go, it is still a concern. She doesn't have a best friend although she is friendly with all the kids in school. She is close to her cousin, age 11, and they instant message all the time and have sleepovers once in a while. She hasn't been in one class long enough to make lasting friendships. I am hoping she will find that special friend in highschool so we really want to find the right place for next year, a place where she can spend 4 full years with the same kids. We live in a very rural area- no neighbors to play with.

I think the conflict resolution rubric they use at her school has really helped her get along better- maybe she just needed to be formally taught what most kids know instinctively? The teachers like her and, while she still visits the Principal occasionally, it is for relatively mild stuff- incomplete homework, caught listening to an ipod or pushing the dress code to extemely, er, creative places.

I will look closely at SI. That might explain a lot. Most worrisome, she seems to be having more of a problem with social anxiety. Forgive this long example:

She had a meltdown on her birthday this month over going to a restaurant with three friends who were at our house. First she wanted to go, then she didn't, then she wasn't sure where, then she got really angry and said she didn't care. DH said okay, then let's just go to get pizza. Then she started to cry. We offered to get take out, and she got really angry. By this time her friends were looking at her like she was a nut. I sent the other kids to wait in the car so I could talk to DD. She started hyperventilating. I tried to calm her down...eventually we all got to the restaurant. But it was crowded and DD got upset again, "I didn't think there would be people here!" Huh? We ended up back at home with take out from Subway. Happy Birthday. And she wouldn't go into the movie theater last weekend because there were too many teenagers around. (PLEASE, Mom, let's just GO! There are too many people. Please, I am begging you, just take me home!) It seems like more than just teen angst. Could these be a sort of panic attack? She will have some weirdness like that about once every week or two. The rest of the time she is okay. It seems to happen more often when she is hungry...

A few episodes like that in the dorm will not be good for her social life. In every other way she seems mature enough for boarding school. Physically she looks 15...very tall and wearing a size 11 shoe! She really wants to go. We have not told the potential school about the ADHD. She hasn't needed special accomodations in the past, but may in the future as the challenge increases. Also, we have been compensating for some of her executive function deficiencies, especially in regards to time management and organization. I guess the school will have to be on board with these issues.

I am assuming that giftedness won't be as much of an issue at a prep school...all the kids will be pretty smart. Do we even need to talk about giftedness with the school? I don't want to turn them off by acting like a parent that thinks their child is soooo special. We are considering The Cambridge School of Weston in Weston, MA if anyone has any experience with that school...

Yikes. I did it again. Another looong post. Thank you so much for giving me a place here on this board. You don't know how much you have helped me already. It means so much to be able to talk about all this.

Lisa

Wow ... your examples of your DD sounds so much like my best friend's daughter. They diagnosed her with ADHD but my BF was not convinced because she could focus. She was the one that came across SI and took this to the doctors and they agreed this was her problem. My BF still has problems getting her daughter into school. This past week she went a total of once for the whole week. She has panic attacks and yes this is what it sounds like your DD is having. She also goes through depression. (My BF DD is 15)

I really don't know enough about the testing she received and I am no expert but it really sounds like you have a highly gifted child on your hands. I say this in regards to your comment about prep school and giftedness being a nonissue or so you hope. Even gifted schools there is a difference between Moderately gifted and highly gifted. The best advice I can give is do a lot of reading. 'Genius Denied' is a great book and I am sure if you go to Amazon.com and do a search for gifted, highly gifted and teenagers you will come up with a ton of books. I am also sure others on the board can give you some suggestions. But I really want you to look at highly gifted children in general and you might just see a carbon copy of your child and with this maybe some reassurance and guidance.

As long as your daughter is having anxiety issues, I'd forgo boarding school. She would be without her safety net (you and DH). Right now, you're there to help her deal with the problem. Talk to her about it, ask her to try to define what starts an "episode". Let her know that you need to figure it out before you're willing to send her off on her own. It does sound like SI could be the culprit, but i've only dealt with it in babies/toddlers.

Hi Lisa. Welcome - this is truly a place where you can feel the love!

I can relate to your thoughts of "is it too late" - BTDT in many situations. I'm a classic "over thinker" and often can't let go of mistakes and ponder the what if's forever! Here's my advice, based on things I've learned and wise words from friends and advisors:

Let it go. Assuming the absence of any gross pathology in our psyche, we do the best we can with what we've got at the time. Then, when we get new information we just need to assimilate that into our own wisdom and move forward, making different choices based on the new information. As long as we are evolving as human beings then we are on the right road.

So, forgive yourself and move on. You did a wonderful job in the past! What a great opportunity for your uniquely spirited child - little formal schooling, travel abroad, support and love from her parents, opportunity to be who she is without judgement. Wonderful gifts from her parents!

Your daughter is the exact same person she was BEFORE you had her tested. She is who she is no matter what diagnosis people have given her. Use those labels with caution and only to help understand her needs.

Regarding her intensities, definitely look into sensory processing needs - Living Sensationally by Winnie Dunn is a great book that explains the continuum of sensory processing without pathologizing it. The book Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight by Sharon Heller is great for understanding sensory sensitivities and what to do about them. It's important to understand that "sensory integration" is a normal neurological process. It occurs on a continuum and no one has "perfect sensory integration." There is a "disorder" when the ability to efficiently and effectively process sensory information interferes with functional performance during daily activities. Many people have varying sensory needs that are unique or intense. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a sensory integration disorder.

My son (8 years old) also has great difficulty making decisions. I think his issues are related to "over thinking" and anxiety. He could easily have been the person you were discussing in the example about going out for a birthday dinner. We have found that limiting his choices and downplaying the importance of the choices is best. We've also taken time during non-decision making moments to discuss the process. I've tried to help him understand how you can change your decisions and the difference between seriousness of decisions (like ones where someone could get hurt versus thinking of others), etc. Perhaps some work on your daughter's anxiety would be helpful.

And letting her move forward in her education following her dreams and desires is a terrific idea. You have new information to guide those choices and it sounds like you are doing a great job integrating the new information and making different choices than you might have made a couple of years ago. Bravo!!!

Hello Philosurfer,
Our son, now 27, had a lot of the same behavior: meltdowns, social anxiety, strong willed outbursts, hypersensitivity, loud talking, and severe underachievement. I know exactly how it feels to blame ourselves. You and your husband did your hardest to try to cope and do the right things. Is there OCD in the picture? There was with our son. (anxiety, phobias, obsessions, ruminations) Perhaps you can find a good therapist who specializes in these type of behaviors and understands high IQ people. Ritalin was a big factor in saving his life. He went from socially annoying to socially considerate of others. His grades went from F's, D's and C's, to A's and B's. Ritalin helped him reach his full potential and he was happier on it. He's now a Ph.d student and doing fine though OCD sometimes flares up.He manages without Ritalin. It is only my opinion, but I believe the risk of not using a med is that they'll latch onto the wrong crowd because their self-esteem is low and they need to fit in somewhere and those crowds will accept them. Getting attention from boys is an easy feat that falsely builds self-esteem. It's an easy standby. The more she feels achievements, the less she'll need attention from boys. Proper med. helps them build study and social skills, repairing self-esteem. My heart goes out to you. We, too, experienced years of upheaval. No one understands the suffering we go through with these types of kids unless they've been through it themselves. Hope you will let us know how she's faring. Please stop blaming yourselves. I'd suggest you find parents who've dealt with any prep school, who can give you personal testimonies of how they've helped their kids. Hopefully, the attention, nurturing, and supervision in the school will be flawless. Blessings!

SI is proving to be very interesting...thanks for pointing me in this direction. It seems the 'what I don't know' list is growing faster than what I'm learning...but that's okay- I am a fast reader! DD has always been a hasty decider, much to my dismay. I like to consider EVERY possibilty before I decide (not very efficient, I know.) I now understand why so many of her meltdowns come from me questioning her decisions and throwing so many other possibilities at her ("But did you consider this? Okay, but what if...? Y'know this one has X, but the other has Y... What about Z?") I think I'm being helpful, but she is getting overwhelmed to the point of being immobilized. And, of course, I'm interpreting it as DD never wanting to take advice or do the research, or just being stubborn and difficult. Doh!

The fact that she gets angry when she is hurt, frustrated or injured makes it harder to help her. If she cried and wanted consolation, I could just give her a big hug. But she gets angry and I get upset and it all starts to escalate into a "scene." Boy, I guess I can go back and re-interpret everything now. Ugh.

Well, DD and I are taking a mother-daughter vacation to the beach this week. I guess we have lots to talk about...

Lisa ... don't get overwhelmed with it all. Take small steps. And if you feel that her issues stem from SI rather then ADHD my question is has she been tagged with the diagnoses of ADHD? If so, is she on meds? You might want to take the information to the doctors and see what they say. She might very well have ADHD but if through reading on SI it sounds more like your daughter and things are making sense definitely take it in and see how they can help. My friend's daughter still sees a therapist. She is not 'cured' by any stretch but with the diagnose everyone is on the same page now and they are working towards helping her deal with her anxieties and outbursts. It takes time ... simple things such as bringing down empty cans from her room is still a big ordeal. She will argue and bargain on every tiny thing. She was also having some separation anxiety when it came to her mother and this tied to her mother who was a single mother her entire life getting married. She went from being the center of her mother's life to sharing that time and even though she adores her new father she couldn't get past that.

But I do agree with others' comments about boarding school. Your daughter might really think she absolutely wants this but sometimes things will escalate when they are not in their known environment and that really means around you. Have you considered doing a long art program in the summer months to see how she does with that? If she blossoms then she is ready to be away.

Lisa,

I have an older child DS7 who has very similar issues with crowded places and sensory overload. He also has the lack of friends. Have you thought about PDD? You have a lot of the SI issues, adding social cue problems. DS7 is gifted, and he does have imaginative play, so he is in no way a classic autistic, but he does have meltdowns when under stress and feeling overstimulated.

I would definitely look at the school and how they treat giftedness. Some schools that have wonderful reputations end up being bad fit because of their teaching philosophies. If they pride themselves on how disciplined they are, but you see no evidence of programs to help children achieve the discipline they expect, I would reconsider. Many gifted children have issues with school authoritarian mindsets and they do much worse.

Of course, if your child is PDD, a lot of structure may be exactly what she needs (quiet classrooms, rules that are consistent, etc). The biggest issues PDD children experience are with transitions. Things like changes in schedule (Mondays we usually do X, but this Monday we're doing Y), even if the changes are to allow them to do fun things, could cause meltdowns. Finally, just going to boarding school could stress her out because it is another big change, even if she chose it. She could eventually adapt, but the first year would be very difficult for everyone.

Just looked at the Cambridge school's website which, on the face of it, looks like a gifted kid's dream!

have you gone to visit and gotten a sense of how much alone time she'll be able to have. It is often difficult getting away from the group in those environments.

Ok , so unless you can find a bording school that lets you pay by the month, or money is absolutely no object at your house, I reccomend bording school as something to build toward...not something to do next September. Oh I wish there was a test to take for maturity, but my DS would score all over the map, and like the IQ test, an averaged score really doesn't tell us what we want to know...

Perhaps the CTY experience could be part of that 'muscle building' experience toward 'sleep-away school'?

I wish that you had a great school within driving distance that you could try as a day student first...but I really love the idea of homeschooling for a year before she goes away. What's the hurry? Many kids her age take classes at their local community college to get used to the demands of 'book learning' and she may be able to test into some very high level classes.

((Humor Alert)) - be careful what you wish for in the 'do-over' department, you may find yourself raising a grandchild before you know it...I was bored at school and without the consentration/study skills to take the academics to the next level, plus emotionally intense, plus a bit behind socially, so I 'studied' dating and boys as a fun way to learn about people. I've worked really really hard to be sure that my 'willful' DS12/8th grade was the academic challenge so that he can chanel at least some of his intensity into academics. He's looking forward to CTY for the first time this summer, more for the kids than for the school. He met some CTY kids at SPLASH last November and they were playing with weird Yo-Yos and very friendly to my son.

BTW - also look up 'OverExcitabilities' on your list of things to learn about. You and I both have them, our kids have different ones, but they affect them also.

Please hang out more here, and write us these lovely long posts (you do have a gift for it) - I'm really curious what your and your DH's relationship with 'achievement' and 'the Man' etc has been. Is college an 'of course' in your family? I'd also love to hear your thinking process about the medication issue, and how that goes. I suspect that your little sweetie needs tons of time and tons of real life experience, and she's got the time....

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I loved your post.

I've thought of what to say and its been so painful to read since it brings back memories of my upbringing, I could not write anything coherent or meaningful.

Much of what your DD has gone through, I went through. The schools were almost uniformly horrible. The over sensitivities she has I have and still do to some extent.

Have you though of showing your post to your daughter? Or getting her some books on GT that speak to her?

I never had a chance to discuss this with my mother because she passed away with ALS, and at the end when we could have talked, she was mute, and all we could do was look at each other with love in our eyes.

The unschooling has probably been very good for her because it allowed her to develop without being crippled by the prejudices of the school system.

It was the best you could do at the time and it was the right thing because she would have learned on her own ANY WAY or, worse, been denied the means to teach herself. You kept her out of that prison called school.

We each have instincts that are often more right than our intellectual suppositions. Acting on gut feel but with your eyes open can work better in some situation.

She will grow into an amazing woman.

I really sympathise and it was a very moving story - but even though you've had denials - as people above said - you still did things differently and enhanced your daughter's education with real experience. I would think there is a great deal of hope that she will adjust - and I can assure you that the Middle School and high school years of my teenage step daugthers were totally different from their childhood. The eldest still got into college on a scholarship and is doing great! I'm sure your daugther will succeed too.

Thanks for sharing your story. As my DS6 just got the ADHD/ ODD diagnosis too for similar behaviors - its interesting to her your story, see how other scenarios have worked out etc.

I have to say, You have done a good job. I am a mother of a 15 year old gifted son and like you the school wanted to have him graduate when he was 12. I moved schools. I found a good school that would work with his needs. I am a parent first then a teacher. I know the in's and out's of gifted. I know that they are taught at a different level. And they need to be. My son plays football and wrestles but doesn't really hang out with those kids. Instead he would rather go build a rocket then chat about the latest dance. I work with gifted children at the Mid-High I work at and I know that I have to challenge them to get done what they need so that they can be productive in life.
So give you self a pat on the back. Just remember she is still a child, but a child who thinks like no other.
Wendy