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    Joined: Mar 2009
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    NOTE: The following is a ridiculously long, self-indulgent pity party. You probably don't need to read it. I am hoping for some sort of catharsis by just getting this all out. Thanks.

    I think I may have messed up completely as a Mom of a 2e child.

    Baby- We knew DD was different from birth. She didn't want to sleep (still doesn't!) and needed to be walked around to look at things(pictures, the dish cupboard, the flowers in the garden) or she was miserable. Everyone scoffed at the new parents who thought a month old baby could be "bored." We took her on outings- even before 6 months she loved the petting zoo, garden tours and going to outdoor concerts. Really, she knew where she was. Everyone laughed.

    18 mos- DD still not sleeping through the night. Bedtime was a horror- a screaming fit of not wanting to go to bed. We were obviously bad parents judging from the looks on our friend's faces. They said she needed socialization. So we put her in daycare a couple mornings a week. I am ashamed to say I was relieved to have time away from her. She demanded every bit of our time and always wanted our full attention. Daycare commented that she was "very...energetic." She was also too bossy. We tried to be more assertive parents. "Lay down the law, you are in charge," people told us. So we try. As I am driving her to daycare, DD tells me the following story at 20 months: I am a bird flying up to the sky. I fly so fast and I go up higher and higher. And I look down and see all the people and the houses. And I can see you and Daddy and I am waving to you. And you look up at me and then Daddy raises his hand and shakes his finger at me and says, "You get right back down here or you are going to time out!" Okay, I am crying now, because I can see the metaphore so clearly. But we didn't get it back then.

    Preschool was tough. She went in at age 3. Her behavior was terrible- rolling around on the floor during circle time, blurting out answers, arguing with teachers. At 4 they called in the district shrink to observe her. Verdict- she had gotten the upper hand on the teachers, her confidence with adults was very high, and she needed boundaries. The doctor told us we had a choice: Either "break her spirit" now, or be prepared for a very difficult ride. She also recommended we avoid head to head battles with DD b/c we would lose. Then she gave us the obligatory parenting video to watch and suggested special classes- for us, not DD. We went. Nothing changed.

    Another year of pre-school seemed unbearable. So we rented out our house and took her traveling. The 3 of us strapped on backpacks and headed to Southeast Asia. DD learned Balinese dancing in Indonesia and rode elephants in Thailand. She could bargain in the market for her own trinkets. She was an excellent traveler. She was responsible for choosing our rooms. DH and I would sit in reception while she checked out the guest house rooms. "The room is pretty clean but the bed is hard and a little lumpy. The toilet seat is cracked. We could probably do better." She had her 5th birthday on the road. After 6 months we came home.

    Kindergarten. Because she was difficult, the teacher moved her desk into the hall as punishment. She said she didn't mind being alone out there, but we were horrified. Teacher conferences were so sad for us. We heard the same thing over and over..."Children need boundaries." Oh, really??!! Gee, thanks for the tip. They were also concerned that DD wasn't making friends, she scared kids b/c she was too loud, unusually tall and clumsy, and had personal space issues. They worried that she did not play house with the other girls but was in the block pen with the boys.

    Grade 1- She complained daily of being bored and unhappy, begging not to be sent to school. Teacher assured us that was untrue: DD only a mid-level reader, just not interested in trying. Bright, yes, and highly verbal (non-stop talker,unfortunately) but not necessarily gifted. Also, she needs to stop singing in class. Oh, btw, I have a book you might be interested in on setting consequences at home...

    We walked into her teacher conference and were blind-sided by an intervention. Teachers, school social worker, Principal, and some stranger all sitting there waiting for us. Do you know how that feels? They talked to us about medicating our child. And about parenting and how difficult it can be and how we should be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. We were against medicating and didn't really believe she had AD/HD- after all, we knew she could totally focus when she wanted to. She just didn't want to. Because we were weak parents and couldn't MAKE her do it.

    In the spring of 1st grade, DD discovered a book called Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. She becomes a reading maniac. Teacher is shocked at the jump she has made. DD is sent to the Principal's office when she is disruptive. She spends a lot of time there and likes it much better than class.

    2nd grade- Great teacher. He lets DD do her own thing and loved her for her unique self. He told us she was very gifted. She was put into an enrichment program for higher level reading. She hated it. The books were a joke. The message was: "Fine, if you are so smart- here's EXTRA homework for you." She continued to beg not to go to school every morning, saying she would rather be dead than go back. Her teacher warned us about the third grade program- it tended to ruin the brightest and most creative kids. He was very concerned for DD. A grade skip was impossible, because she still struggled socially as an outsider. We asked the school for an IQ test. They assured us that was a terrible idea! So unnecessary. Why did we need to "reduce her to a number on a page?" they asked. They told us how difficult it would be on the child to be pulled from class in front of the other children and subjected to such a stressful event. We backed down. But we didn't send her back the next year.

    We tried homeschooling but it was just a miserable battle of wills. So we unschooled her for almost 2 years, hoping her social skills would improve with more maturity and catch up to her intellect. One of those years was on the road, a hippie backpacker family traipsing through Africa, Asia, and Turkey.

    When we arrived home, we tried school again (the last couple months of 4th grade.) Surprisingly, she wasn't behind at all after sitting out almost 2 years of school. But it was the same old story, misery and DD's lack of organization made everything more difficult at school. I just kept wondering where my life had gone. The second child's bedroom upstairs had become a guest room. DD was so all-consuming, how could we raise another child? What if the 2nd was the same way? Plus, our self esteem as parents was non-existent.

    5th grade- a few months at a charter arts school until it went bankrupt. Then more unschooling.

    6th grade- Enrolled in an inner-city magnet school that focused on character and conflict resolution skills. We see a huge improvement socially and are pleased. She doesn't like school, but she hates it less. She takes our state's mastery exam for the first time and attains a nearly perfect score. We are shocked. We knew she was smart, but she was so uneducated. How did she do that?

    Based on her scores we advocated for a grade skip. The school was horrified. We persisted. They said they would consider our request. After a lengthy closed door meeting with a dozen teachers and staff, DD was placed in the 8th grade.

    8th grade- We were concerned DD would be behind, but no, she was at the top of her class. She liked the 8th graders much better than her previous class and fit in better. Yet she was still under motivated and sloppy in her work, horrible with time management, and content to just 'phone it in' rather than do her best work. Her teachers loved her creativity, but wished she would participate more in class. (She thinks it is uncool to raise your hand.)

    Suddenly faced with high school decisions, we decided we needed more information about her abilities. We went to Johns Hopkins for testing. By this point we expected to hear she was gifted. She is. (Nothing earthshaking, her FSIQ was 127, but the tester thinks she could go higher if she was more confident. DD would say, "I think the answer might be...."and be right. But the interviewer had to ask, "Is that your answer?" and DD would say "No, I don't know." So she couldn't be credited with the answer. Then the psychologist told us 127 was a misleading number. Her GAI score was 135 and a better indicator of her ability. She needed a GAI score because her processing speed and working memory scores were uniterpretable. Apparently, this is common with AD/HD kids and our daughter, based on scores and profile surveys completed by her teachers and by us, has AD/HD.

    We shouldn't have been floored, but we were. We just went in to hear our daughter was smart. But the bigger news was that she was LD.

    We spent 13 years second guessing ourselves. Really gifted kids are high achievers, self-motivated and single mindedly pursue their interests until they master them, right? So our DD was merely bright and lazy, starting new projects (with impossible goals) and then abandoning them shortly thereafter. Gifted kids were mature beyond their years, mine had hissy fits over the smallest set-backs. Gifted kids got perfect grades, mine wouldn't do her homework. And AD/HD? Not my kid! She could concentrate when she wanted to and she didn't struggle with classwork. She was just difficult and overly emotional.

    So now I have a 13 yo who has only attended 1st,2nd,6th,and 8th grade. Yet her ACT scores say she is ready for college. Where would she be if we had only had her tested sooner? If we had educated her to her ability level maybe she would love learning instead of hating it. Where would she be if we had recognized her AD/HD when she was in pre-school? Maybe she wouldn't have struggled so much socially. I have an unhappy, unmotivated learner who still has never had a real best friend. And now all she seems interested in is boys.

    We messed up and there is no do-over.

    She participated in the CTY Talent Search and was accepted. We hope she will take a CTY class this summer if we can just convince her to spend three weeks doing academics during vacation.

    She wants to go to boarding school. She applied and was accepted at an artsy school that would be a good fit for her creative and irreverent personality. But she has no idea what it means to really work for something. She has never done a couple hours of homework in an evening. She has never been in a school that actually has GRADES. She has never studied for a test. Can she learn to do this at this late date? I'm not so sure. If she does learn the skills, will she be challenged by the work? It isn't a highly competitive school and I would hate to be in the same boat in another couple of years.

    We don't have any other great options for high school. There is no GT program here. All I can think of is how different it all could have been if we had just done things differently. I read this board and see parents already advocating for their pre-schoolers. Why didn't I? And is it too late for my kid to rise up up her potential?

    So this is my pity party. I'm sorry you had to read it and I'm sorry I don't have any goody bags to hand out.

    Thanks,
    Lisa








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    I fail to see the problem. I think you did great and she's going to be fine. She sounds headstrong and she's lucky she spent so little time in school. Those people have no idea what they're doing, that's all I can say. I've heard that often, with a bright kid, that hippie parenting really works out. The kids end up craving structure and spend their adult lives learning organizational skills and prodding themselves to achieve.

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    Lisa,

    First I want to give you a huge cyber hug b/c you need it. {{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Every parent has self doubt it is par for the course and since your course took you into some unusual areas and methods it is just that much easier to doubt yourself.

    I am going to guess that the worse thing you could have done for your daughter is to leave her in that school environment. She was an exploding bomb and from your description it is almost textbook of highly gifted children in reference to high risk situations.

    I do have to admit (and granted it was a long read and this could just be me) that I am confused by the ADHD. It sounded like people suggested this to you in the beginning and it isn't until now that you have the diagnoses... am I right on that? I am just a little confused on that point. If you are still not convinced she has ADHD you might want to look into sensory issues. A lot of gifted children get misdiagnosed with ADHD when in fact they have SI. A site you could look at for some guidance on this is http://www.sengifted.org/.

    And I just want to add that there are many paths one can take and the path you took with your daughter sounds like a wonderful experience for her. She could have been in a class learning about culture and social studies in a book for what a few hours a week but instead she really got to experience it and I am sure she was taught on the road just more in line with what we do with the toddlers: learn through play method. Where they are learning but not in a sit down grab your books and memorize this method.

    Don't give up hope on her potential. Just consider that now you have data to open eyes and with that you also have a starting point for your advocacy. I know before it was the 'experts' and the 'wise' telling you what needed to be done but you are educating yourself and getting the data together so you will be in control not the other way around. This is not to say advocating will come easy but you will have more confidence in yourself.

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    You did an absolute wonderful job! My son is 15 with nearly the same issues and was just "withdrawn" from his 4th school. We are now looking at specialty boarding schools.

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    wow... that made me cry a little.....

    You are second guessing yourself.... I do it all the time!

    But my son and I have a saying when we second guess ourselves, "But ya didn't Blanch, ya didn't." You know, the line from "Whatever Happened to baby Jane"

    Don't second guess, you did what was right at the time. This isn't easy. There is no real guide book. Personally, I think you gave your daughter a great education.


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    Lisa-

    That was very moving. It's so obvious that you care deeply and have worked hard to meet DD's needs all along. The flying story was a heart breaker.

    Sounds to me like she's learned more out of school than in school. Maybe homeschooling with some freedom (unschoolish, but not completely without objectives) would be a good choice for her for high school.

    I have to say, I have more concerns on the social front than on the academic side. Does she have a close friend or two? Are there still times when she acts inappropriately in public? By 13, most kids have learned to behave in a manner that will not get them sent to the principal's office.

    best wishes,

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    Originally Posted by Lorel
    I have to say, I have more concerns on the social front than on the academic side. Does she have a close friend or two? Are there still times when she acts inappropriately in public? By 13, most kids have learned to behave in a manner that will not get them sent to the principal's office.

    I completely agree with the concerns of the social front but kids in 7th and 8th grade don't behave. Generalization here but those two grades are the absolute worse over all. And I realize that Lisa's daughter is in high school but she was skipped and by age is considered an 8th grader. So Lisa if you still have problems in this department does it seem to be more of the same issues she had when she was younger or is it a new set of problems? Just keep in mind that 12 and 13 yr old go through alot of changes but no one knows your daughter better than you and if she still has major problems on the social front you might want to find a therapist she can talk to.

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    Lisa,

    I read your story and saw two very caring and giving parents who knew something was not quite right and never gave up on trying to figure it out.

    It also sounds like your daughter posesses some character traits that will carry her through any *disadvantages* that her more bohemian grin education may (or may not!) cause.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I hope is WAS cathartic for you. Plus you may be helping others who read it. smile

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    You know, they say you haven't failed until you've quit trying. That seems incredibly applicable here.

    Quit kicking yourself. If you did the best you could at the time, then you can be sad that it didn't go better, but you can't be so mean to the younger you. She was in a bad situation, and she tried hard.

    Try this exercise:

    Re-read your story and pretend that a friend of yours wrote it. What advice would you give her? (I'm betting it sounds very much like what all of us are saying to you, right?)

    Now take your own advice. smile

    Mostly, forgive yourself. Tomorrow is another day.


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    in Spanish we say: 'nunca es tarde si la dicha es buena' = it is never too late if the result is good .

    I would start reading all the information about gifted - like Hoagies web pages for example.
    http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/

    Start reading and educate yourself.



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