Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Gifted and Hitting a Wall

VENTING!
OK, I�ve had it with my DS (10). As DH put it recently (outside of DS�s hearing) DS is the dumbest bright kid he�s ever known. I might change the dumbest to most stubborn and shortsighted but understand where DH is coming from.

How hard is to grasp that if you really don�t like doing something, doing it right the first time means less time spent doing it overall?

How difficult is it to actually double check tests and homework for careless errors?

How hard is it to remember that homework comes before free time after school and stop throwing a temper tantrum daily?

I am spending most of my time redirecting DS (at this point often very loudly) to do the need to things before the want to activities.

Since Christmas, DS�s grades have dropped in all subjects from high A�s to mid B-C range. It isn�t that he doesn�t get the material, he just doesn�t want to double check ANYTHING and is rushing through stuff and not thinking about his answers. Often, he isn�t even reading the directions and does the entire assignment wrong. Any discussion of the issue with him leads to melt downs and temper tantrums. DH and I constantly try to get him to understand that a few errors are fine and getting something wrong because you don�t understand the concept is fine. It is only amount of correctable (if he double checked his work) errors that is causing our concern.

I have tried many incentive programs, positive reinforcements, negative consequences, calm discussions about his thoughts and such about his options and what he thinks is going on. I have talked with his teachers who are as frustrated as DH and I. We are all out of ideas. All of us know that DS has the ability to do the work; he just doesn�t appear to be putting any effort into it. I know DS is getting very anxious about school. He is hiding his tests from me, preferring to spend recess inside for not getting them signed than bring them home for DH and I to see. He also is tearing the grades of the top of his class work before bringing them home. I know he is unhappy with how he is doing, but his answer is that he�s not good at math, reading etc.

I am thinking about having him write 1 page essays for me about the impact of not paying attention to details and double checking his work when he brings home work that is below a B due to rushing or carelessness. Most of his careless mistakes are in how he is spelling in his words in essays or how is forming the letters in cursive. Ls and bs are the biggest problem. When he is rushing (apparently the written assignments are timed) he skips words, endings of words or just doesn�t back up his conclusions. DS really hates to physically write. It is still painful both physically and emotionally for him to write. However, I am wondering if going through extra writing assignments from me might get the point across that if he doesn�t want to spend more time writing, he needs to pay attention to his other assignments? It seems a bit cruel knowing that he has processing speed issues and dysgraphia, however, I am worried that if he doesn�t break through this wall, he is going to completely give up on school and learning.

Outside of school, he also has little to no interest in any activities that take attention to detail or effort.. He won�t do pleasure reading, fun math or any kind of writing. I do think that his ADHD type issues are contributing to his problems but our options are limited to behavioral interventions (that aren�t working) due to other health issues.

Sorry for the very down post, but I�m so frustrated and tired of daily battles. I have to make him do his homework, but I�m to the point of dreading to see him get off the bus in the afternoons. I�m trying to stay positive with him and failing miserably. At this point despite the test scores, I would have a hard time as a teacher believing that this student is gifted. As his parent, I am not convinced that he belongs in the gifted program right now even knowing that good grades are not required to be gifted!

Thanks for letting me vent! I know I'm whining and appreciate this forum to do so. DH is very supportive but out of ideas and family just thinks we "pushed" DS too hard and his current work is too hard for him and we should accept that he really isn't capable of the work. Maybe that is true, but then I would think we'd be seeing concept and comprehension problems not simple errors. Even his teacher says that if she asks DS to answer a question verbally, she gets a completely different level of answer than he shows in seat work.

Thanks Again!

oh! *hug* I wish i could offer some help..... but at least I have shoulder to cry on.....

Thanks 'Soup and good luck on those applications

"If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."
Michael Jordan

Throwing out some ideas to help you find a way over, through or around this wall.

What kind of things do interest him?


I'd focus my efforts on changing this. There's a quote I've been trying to put into practice since reading Gordon Nuefeld's Hold Onto Your Kids. He talks about "connection before direction."

Can you focus on making a strong connection with your son when he gets off the bus? I'd put aside the homework issue until after this has been accomplished.

Glad you're not giving up!

so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds quite frustrating. I don't know if you really want any advice or thoughts on this, I would assume so...but if you didn't want any words of advice then feel free to skip on to the next post from someone, LOL.

In reading your post it sounds like DS is gifted, but that he also has difficulty processing information, focusing on details, organizing data, etc. You mentioned Dysgraphia and "ADHD type issues" does he also have an ADHD diagnosis? Because what you are describing sounds a lot like ADHD. I have worked with lots of intelligent and some gifted children with ADHD that have similar problems with assignments. It could also be some other type of learning disorder, NVLD (I honestly don't know much about this one but thought I would throw it out there). It really doesn't sound like he is benefiting at all from rushing through things. The anxiety, the tantrums, the meltdowns, none of that sounds fun at all. He obviously isn't gaining from that and doesn't feel confident in himself in those areas at all. It sounds to me that he has limited control over these behaviors and they are a result of something else going on with him. And the more anxious he becomes about it, the more mistakes and things he will make.

I would suggest pursuing finding out more about what could be causing things difficulties and maybe adjusting his workload based on this, or having him do his assignments differently (typing, etc.). I do think it is important to teach him attention to detail, you don't want to let everything slide. But if it is truly something that is that hard for him to do and has limited control over, then he needs the tools to help him to be successful and it is not fair to expect him to be able to perform in that way.

And as to the writing assignment you were thinking about giving him. I say no way to that one. I see what could make you think that would be a good idea, but it would make things a lot worse by pushing that. Especially since he isn't doing it on purpose and is just going to make him feel worse. I do understand being that frustrated though and wondering what in the world you are supposed to do and how to teach him. We have had many times with our DS4 that we wonder how he could possibly be so smart, and yet so dumb as well. I feel bad saying that, but it is true. Maybe not the best way of putting it, but true nonetheless.

Hope that is somewhat helpful. Just my 2 cents. : )

I just realized that you mentioned this has been doing on since Christmas. Is this a new issue? If so then I wouldn't necessarily suspect ADHD. Thought I would mention that, I guess I would need to know more about it.

Sounds like he does not like to write and both of you are focusing too much on his weakness with it?

What are the consequences of backing off and letting him take the lead? Will Bs and Cs for a few weeks hurt him down the line?

How about some cash incentives? We had offered $8.00 per A and $6.00 per high B (90-92%) when they had quarter report cards. All A�s (93% and up) earned a $50.00 bonus. Since they are now on semesters, the incentives have doubled.

We have never really given allowance for chores, but rather bought what they needed and given money for their wants as they earned it by reading books and writing a report for us or earning good grades at school. In some cases we rewarded the effort rather than the result.

I know this is a controversial approach. They are no longer paid a penny per page for outside reading-they simply read for pleasure. If we still paid that rate we would be broke, so I guess this method at the very least didn�t backfire.

*Next time he earns a good grade, ask him how it makes him feel. Then tell him to remember that feeling the next time he has to chose between rushing through an assignment or taking a little extra care while completing it.

I definitely agree with some of what Shelly said. If he's hiding tests, showing frustration, and having meltdowns, it does not sound like a child who is deriving any personal benefit from not double-checking his work. If this has only been going on since Christmas, is there some major event that has recently occured that could be affecting him?

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I am looking for suggestions and help!

Shellymos, He does have an diagnosis of ADHD type behaviors and an official LD of LD- undefined. He is on an IEP to help him with the behavioral issue, impulse control, organization and stuff like that. So far it isn't evident that it is helping. However, he is on a medication for another medical that contradicts with the ADHD medications so that is not an option. So while the drop in grades is more recent, the behaviors are ongoing.

I would love to get him the accomodation to type his assignments. This is one place that the school will not budge. His fine motor delay at his most recent evealuation was 77% of age level. He has to be 74% to get accomodations.

Inky, the only things that interest him outside of school are music (Drums, Oboe and Piano.) Not practicing LOL, but he really enjoys just goofing off with them. He spends alot of time playing with Legos and building all sorts of spaceships. Other interests are bakugon(sp), animals, a beginning interest in cooking, roughhousing with Mom and being outside.

I have tried to let home work wait until after we have some time to go for a walk, or goof off together for a while. However, the melt downs and temper tantrums are worse and homework takes even longer than when I give him a 15 minute snack break and then have him start the assignments. So I've started trying to go for our walk after homework is done. This works better when homework actually gets done in less than 3 hours....

Austin, the consequences of the b's and c's are that he may not be allowed to participate in the gifted program next year and they could pull him from his subject advancement in math and Reading. At this point maybe that is an acceptable consequence for his actions but repeating this same coursework next year sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Thanks again all