Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Bully at school... what would you do?

I really like CAmom's advice! Edwin has a point, too, IMO. I think it's important for kids getting bullied to figure out how to shut the bully down. Or at least figure out a way to circumvent the situation like CAmom's kids did. Smart kids!

Bullies don't go away when the kids grow up....You definately see them in the workplace.....they're just bigger, meaner and uglier!

I was bullied in school and then later in the workplace. I figured out how to shut it down and I never had to hit anyone, luckily. A lot of it ended up being *posturing*! Interestingly, when someone gets aggressive, getting back in their face with a *bring it!* attitude seems to resolve things really quickly.

I have to admit, though, if my child kept coming home saying the same kid was shoving them on the playground, I'm pretty sure I'd be telling them to shove back.........

At my high school as a kid, we had a very strict policy that both parties got suspended in any physical altercation, no matter who started it. I was a smart gifted kid... I *spit* a very nasty spit on a bully who wouldn't leave me alone.

JBR, no advice, just sympathy, for you and for your little guy. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Can you have some extra snuggle time at home for a while?

We had a problem like this, too, this week, and my kids aren't even in school (a 10 yo boy at our homeschool playgroup decided to thump 7 yo Harpo's head on the floor, because he didn't like his new glasses--but 5yo Groucho sailed in and got a few good punches in before 10 yo boy beat him up too--I wasn't there because it was my turn to clean the kitchen at the community centre our group rents, and I assumed that one of the other mothers would be keeping an eye on the kids, but unfortunately not).

I hope you get some help from the principal or the teacher--it just feels lousy, lousy, lousy when somebody is picking on your child. I'll be thinking 'bout you--

peace
minnie

I just thought I should mention that at our school that would be considered an assault and grounds for suspension, too.

At the school I teach at now, we would also consider it assault! However at the time, the handbook only stated "physical contact"... nobody wanted to argue the semantics. She got suspended and I did not!

Let me see what I can address here..

We have ALWAYS told our kids to stand up for themselves, and to fight back if neccessary.

Last year DS got so sick of this boy's teasing he shoved him, and the boy hit his head on the concrete and got a nosebleed. We made him write a letter of apology and contacted the parents to take it to his house. They never followed through with us. I have a feeling speaking to them again would be pointless.

In the meantime, I had other parents calling me to congratulate DS because this other boy causes so much misery. However, in this instance, the other boy only verbally provoked, not physically, so we had to make that difference clear to DS.

I have to respectfully disagree with the options of "hiding" or staying near an adult, I feel DS should be able to freely use recess as he wants to.

DS is one of the biggest kids in the class, but is very sensitiv e and has a huge heart. His fear is not fighting, but of getting suspended and/or getting teased.

I would like to tell him to punch the kid in the face, honestly, and I would proudly go an get him for his suspension. But in light of us trying to get other issues resolved at school, I'm not sure how beneficial that would be to us at this time .

Here's a second-hand suggestion:

Someone I know told her son who was being bullied that it was okay to fight back. So what did he do? The very next time he saw the bully, he marched right up and told the kid "My mom said that if you push me, I can push back!"

The bully freaked out a little, asked the mom if that was really true, and then left the kid alone!

I think you can file that example in the "sometimes you just have to get back in their face" pile with what 'Neato said. This was also my personal experience.

Finding a friend to tell the bully to stop helps, too. Bullies look for lone individuals. Even two people are usually more than a bully wants to deal with. Have your son find other loners and they can band together to protect one another. Chances are incredibly good that no one will need to fight anyone if the bully realizes that none of the loners are actually alone.

Love the suggestions, but I think IRL we are dealing with a master manipulator, who knows just how far to push ( no pun intended) without getting in trouble. This evening I tried to explain how to "get in this kids face" without becoming physcical ( or spitting, CAmom ) and he said if he threatened the bully, rather than backing down, the bully would come back with "Oh yeah, make me" or something equally original. DS is just not equipped at this point to pull this one off, but we will work on it. You are correct, Kriston, that DS is kind of a loner, I am really thinking of observing a reccess or two in the next couple of days.

Does the bully pick on your son alone, or does he have other targets?

If he has other targets, perhaps your son's best move is to stand up for one of the other kids being bullied. (Verbally. No violence. Just a "Hey, stop that!" And then walk with the other bullied kid out of the situation. Two people can walk away a lot more easily than one can.)

This demonstrates strength to the bully, earns the respect and gratitude of the kid being bullied, and starts to form a band to combat this kid's nastiness. Then the two kids stand up for the next kid, and so on.

Honestly, it's what I did as a kid, and it's the quickest way I know to stop bullying.

While I think this tactic usually works with most bullies, I don't think it'll work here. Because your DS and this boy hae already gotten into a physical conflict, we know the bully will take it that far. It seems like encouraging your son to get back in his face will only inflate the situation with this kid more.

Because there's history already, I think you need to consider getting another adult involved from school. It doesn't have to be the principal, but a trusted teacher, school counselor or whatever. I think it's gone too far for your son to solve it on his own.