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    Joined: Dec 2005
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    Grinity Offline OP
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    Dear Ones,

    I'm not sure if folks will be ready to talk about this one, but it struck me that many, many gifted kids are the offspring of gifted parents. I do know of some dear souls who grew up gifted and well - accomidated, but that doesn't seem to be the majority of experience. Who knows? Even if our childhoods had been perfectly adaquate, we as a group are very good at finding something to second-guess in almost any situation. Well, that's how it is for me anyway! ((humor alert!!))

    So my question is, how has your experience 'growing up gifted' been useful in your current parenting challenge, and where did it cause problems, where do you fear that it will cause more problems in the future?

    Mine:
    One really odd-nice thing about my mom's family, is that there is a tradition of assuming that all kids can think and understand, even before they can talk. This really threw me for a loop when I entered school and saw that it was actually uncommon for children to be treated as if the thoughts in their heads were more than static. I think it's been a blessing in parenting because it was true that my son had thoughts right from the begining, and it was easy for me to trust my instincts. It's been a curse, bucause it allowed me to pretend that my son was 'average' until he was 7, when someone with more typical expectations would have spotted him at age 2, and I slightly fear it will cause problems in the future because I worry that everyone else is correct and I do treat him as if he were more able to think for himself that he is really ready for.

    There are many more, but I'd love to hear from all of you!
    Trinity


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    I don't feel like I have baggage, exactly. It's more like a constant struggle for me to balance idealism and realism. The idealist (part perfectionist?) wants to create the optimal situation for my kids' education. The realist knows that this is not remotely possible--is it even desirable?

    When I reflect on my own experiences as a gifted child I can see that there are opportunities for emotional and character growth in less than perfect educational situations. The idealist says that this is only true to a point. There is a limit to what people can tolerate.

    To me this seems like many other aspects of parenting--the struggle to find the right balance for each child. For some kids it seems like that zone of balance is a knife edge.

    Cathy

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    Grinity Offline OP
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    Thanks for putting that into words for me, Cathy! I have done battle with the idealism/realism balance my whole life, although it doesn't seem to show up with my son.

    With him I notice that finding educational materials that are complicated enough to be interesting, and easy enough to get past his limited frustration tolerance is very challenging. I call it the Goldilocks Problem - this book is too easy! this book is too hard!

    I think that if he hadn't been subjected to so many years of such a large mis-fit of educational challenge that his frustration tolerance would be greater, and I have seen slow improvements over the years.

    I also know that when the knife edge of balance seems impossibly small, I remind myself that we have a "Goldilocks Problem" and prepare for what looks like a tantrum as my son fights, as if he's fighting for his life, against the tiny little space that his unwillingness to tolerate frustrations has left him. Messy, but I have such hope that this will help him grow into an adult who will be able to follow his dreams.

    Love and More Love,
    Trinity


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    Interesting topic and discussion! Thanks, Trinity! smile

    My biggest issue is with my mother, interestingly enough. Every time I make a choice that is different than the ones she made for me, she takes offense. She interprets every different choice I make for my son as a sign that I'm criticizing her choices for me when I was a child.

    I'm not! Given the state of gifted education and research 30+ years ago, I think she did everything she could have done for me and more than I could have asked for. She started a whole support group for gifted kids and their parents, for goodness sake! Who does that?!? My mom! (And BTW, I've told her as much. I know the insecurity we feel when we make choices, so I have reassured her that I'm not second-guessing what she did for me back then!)

    But even so, times have changed. We know some things now that we didn't know then. And my son is a different sort of kid than I was. His needs are very different from mine, so my choices are necessarily going to be different from hers. She doesn't seem to get that.

    But that's really more my mom's baggage, I think. I guess giftedness brings out the baggage of many generations...

    So my baggage...My perfectionism, I think, is potentially problematic for me, too, Cathy. Sometimes I have to remind myself that creativity is not neat. Loose ends can be okay. That issue is magnified by the fact that we're home schooling. When you're the teacher, you sort of have to decide if coloring in the lines (figuratively speaking) is the point of the assignment or not. It's an extension of the "pick your battles" parenting saw, I guess.

    Oh, and I'm haunted by my "bossy" label from childhood, the one that's so typical of perfectionistic gifted girls. When DH and I were trying to decide how to approach the 1st grade teacher before we pulled DS out for home schooling, I felt the weight of the label. Frankly, it haunts me whenever I have to advocate for change or work in a group. Inevitably, I try to tiptoe around and not step on toes, but I'm coming to the conclusion that people read that as insincerity or falseness in me. I wonder if I wouldn't do better if I would just be my normal bull-in-the-china-shop self. They might hate me, but at least they wouldn't think I was shifty or manipulative or whatever. I always say that I don't speak passive-aggressive, but people often assume that's what I'm doing when I'm trying to be subtle.

    Sometimes we just have to be what we are. I'm middle-aged and still trying to come to grips with that. *sigh*

    So I guess I hope I can help my son to do better with people than I do. A loud-mothed, bossy, highly social introvert often has trouble getting along with others. I hope my son is more politic than I am!


    Kriston
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    I loved reading that, Kriston. It made me smile many times. I'm sure I'm labeled as the pushy mom at all 3 of the schools I'm involved with.

    For me, my parents gave their 3 daughters a lot of room (they were self-absorbed and mostly absent because of messy divorce). We were all high achievers without any pressure to do so. Luckily we seemed to find brainy friends and had a desire to do well academically. But we all went to gifted magnet schools (so my parents must have been involved in this key decision). Even without encouragement we all went to top-rated universities and graduated. However, I guess deep-down I feel I squandered my talents because I didn't have parental guidance/support or financial liquidity (camps, programs, sports, etc.). I always was working from about age 12 and I think that's valuable in teaching responsibility, but what did I miss out on during those hours and hours? Yearbook, sports, drama, camps, etc.

    I'm sure I bring this baggage to my kids every day with my endless stories about "when I was a kid..". My kids are very good about listening and hopefully there is a lesson in each story told. I want my kids to have more adult assistance and guidance in things they want to do/pursue. They should know their parents are there as a safety net, advocates, ride home, etc. If they're doing robotics and the school robots are old and missing pieces, I want them to know I will support their work and even buy the school a new robot. I want them to understand all the opportunities available to them and support them if they want to try things.

    I think my heart's in the right place, but I do think this ends up to put a lot of pressure on them. Sometimes it's nice to go under the radar as a kid and not have everything scrutinized and questioned. My oldest is getting an 89 in French because he messed up one assignment. My husband and I interrogated him about it this morning...what, why, who, where,...poor kid. I know he'll bring his grade back up and it doesn't matter, but we couldn't help ourselves.

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    This is such an interesting topic. DH and I grew up in large families with middle class parents. I was never pushed but I was allowed to pursue my own interests with encouragement. Looking back, I was lazy in ways, when a topic didn't interest me. I felt I wasn't challenged in a mainstream classroom and school was a boring experience for the most part. I finally felt challenged in college, but I had developed poor study habits.

    Now I see DD8 with same "lazy" tendencies and due to my baggage I am more sensitive to this. I want her to work hard, do things that may be challenging to her, but engaging at the same time. In recent discussion with her teacher, she was surprised DD likes to do her Challenge math book at home (we do the middle school one) and what our district covers in 4th grade is much less challenging. At school she does what is asked, but often dreads some of the work...

    It's interesting to see everyone's experiences and how they influence our view of our children's education. DH was in gifted classes from elementary school and did very well. Our school district does enrichment, which may or may not for gifted children. DD gets small group enrichment, but it's only two days a week.

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    CFK: both my parents and DH's parents ADAMANTLY opposed acceleration for us. I was subject-accelerated in reading because it was clear that something had to be done, but that was as much as they allowed, and they were always uncomfortable even with that.

    Now I wonder...(Though never to them! The not-second-guessing thing again.)

    DH and I have always said that school is not a race: the first person finished doesn't win anything. (LOL!) But then again, getting the mandatory part of the education out of the way so you can actually learn something useful doesn't seem like a bad idea. Meh. I suspect that's one of those things that you'll feel like you did wrong no matter what you choose. There are no wrong choices, only different options.

    The biggest thing I think I've gleaned from this wonderful forum full of all you wonderful people is that we all do the best we can do, make the best decisions we can make...and then we wring our hands and worry that we've screwed up anyway! Have we screwed up, really? Probably not. The fact that we care and we're trying our best is probably just about enough to serve our kids' needs.

    My father-in-law says you put away money for your kids to use for one of three things: college, bail money, or therapy. With gifted kids, the therapy money should probably be divided between both kids and parents, since we both go a little nuts over this stuff! <grin>

    Bossy perfectionists, unite! smile


    Kriston
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    Interesting.

    Do you think of the term "gifted" in that way when some sports announcer talks about a "gifted athlete"?

    Just wondering...


    Kriston
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    Kcab,

    I agree with you about the term "gifted athlete". Sometimes it is used to describe a hard working individual and can have a negative meaning. But there are individuals that have natural abilities in a sport. That doesn't exclude hard work as an important factor for success.

    I view academic or cognitive giftedness the same. Some people are naturally gifted in this area, but if not nurtured or "trained" to borrow a sports term, they will not be successful. Without adequate stimulation and exposure to various material, gifted children will tune out and under perform.I think this happens too frequently in schools where gifted kids don't fit the norm.

    Jeni

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    Originally Posted by kcab
    Explaining an athlete's performance as due to a "gift" sort of diminishes their effort, don't you think?

    I've been an athlete much of my life, competing in some sports at a fairly high level. I know I would have been steamed if I heard an announcer say that I was "gifted" while I was in the middle of a race. I probably wouldn't have had a productive response.

    Huh. Respectfully submitted IMHO: no, discussing an athlete's performance in terms of a "gift" does not seem to me to diminish their efforts, kcab. "Gifted" and "hard work" are not mutually exclusive. Taking offense that someone said you were a gifted athlete seems to me like taking offense because someone noticed your eye color. I'd say you could certainly respond, "And I work hard, too," but noting that you have some natural ability doesn't seem offensive on its face to me.

    I guess I always took "gifted" to mean "a gift from God/nature," so it's not something that can be lost/taken (short of brain injury). And like any other part of who we are that's present in us from birth, there's no hard work required to POSSESS the gift, any more than there's hard work required to grow long legs or naturally superb eye/hand coordination or perfect pitch in music...or brown eyes. The hard work comes when we try to HARNESS the gift. Rest on your laurels and you will certainly lose at least some of the advantage you gained from your fortunate birth, but you're still likely to be more talented than some people who aren't gifted at that thing, no matter how hard they work.

    Working hard doesn't make those athletes/gifted kids any less naturally able. It just means they made the best use of their own personal "standard features" instead of squandering them. There are plenty of kids who work hard to achieve in school and ace every test, but who are not gifted. My DH was gifted, but very nearly flunked out of high school because he did not apply himself. (He later came around and used BOTH his natural gifts and hard work, and got a 3.9something in a tough chemical engineering program.)

    Am I off-base here?


    Kriston
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