Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Emotional Baggage and Parenting a Gifted Kid

Wow, this really is an interesting discussion! I love all the "naughty smart kid" stories. :-)

As for my own gifted baggage ... well, it's kind of interesting. Both I and my older sister are identified HG; she's two years older than I am, and her IQ score is 2 points higher than mine. We both skipped second grade. And there, the similarities end.

My sister was a high achiever -- she cared about her grades, and she worked to do well. She was at the top of her class in high school, graduated valedictorian from our fairly exclusive all-girls Catholic high school while taking calculus at the state university, and went on to graduate cum laude from Yale. She's finishing up her doctorate this year -- in Germany.

Me? Well, I was sooo bored and really couldn't care less about my grades. So I stopped working. I did *not* do any more homework than required -- and often didn't even do that. I didn't study; I read over the material the day before the test, and that was it. I usually didn't even read my text books.

I still did well in high school, very well on my ACTs, and got to live in my sister's pretty fabulous shadow -- I got away with a lot more than I would have had she not preceeded me! I went on to college and got one, and then another, bachelor's degree.

The problem is, I don't feel like I've earned anything in my life. I've coasted. I don't know half what I *would* know if I'd put any effort into pretty much *anything.* But I didn't -- because I didn't have to. Even into college, I did the bare lazy minimum, because I could.

I never had a work ethic instilled and this, I think, is what I worry most about with ds5. He hasn't had to really struggle to do anything well (well, except Super Mario Galaxy, at which he is exceptionally persistent). And I don't want him to learn that it's ok to coast on your laurels. I want him to actually have to strive for something -- and earn the feeling of accomplishment when he masters a new skill or gets to that next level.

And that's where, for me, acceleration comes in. I was accelerated one grade. I wish it had been two. My grade skip was very unemotional, and not a very big deal in my life, so I have a pretty positive opinion on grade skipping and acceleration. I can't help but think, if I as a highly gifted child wasn't really satisfied with one grade skip, how on earth is ds supposed to be happy and learn to strive with no grade skips or one grade skip? He's certainly beyond the level I was at that age.

And quite honestly, I do wish I had been "pushed" -- or at least encouraged -- more as a youngster. My parents were very hands off due to a number of family issues and pretty much left my sister and me to our own devices. She had internal motivation for academic success; I did not. A little guidance would have gone a long way.

So my major concern -- and this is my baggage -- is that ds learn to struggle and conquer, whether at academics or athletics or music or *something*!

I so agree with you, Mia. I want resiliant kids who know how to/choose to work hard at something they love.

As baggage goes, that's not terrible to work with, I don't think. Quite noble and good.

Ah, it comes off sounding that way, Kriston. But really, it's that I feel *exceedingly* unsatisfied with what I have done with what I was "gifted" -- although by most standards it looks as though I've done just fine for myself. In my own mind, I haven't -- because I feel like I could have been so much *more.* And not just gone farther in school or done something far more productive with my brains. I mean that even making the same life choices that I have, I could have learned more. And been a better person by having learnt it.

Does that make any sense at all? I just feel like I could have *known* more than I do, and been wiser for it. I *wish* that I'd read all the books I'd been assigned in my first stint in college -- I was one class away from a double major in English, and I'd really only completely read about a third of all the books assigned! I could have learned so much, and I just didn't, because I didn't have to.

I *wish* that I'd had to study more than a few hours to pass my nursing boards. While my peers were putting in literally full weeks to study for the thing, I looked over my notes and a few flashcards the day before I took the test, and I finished it in the minimum allowed questions and in 49 minutes -- they give you up to three hours to pass the test. I actually sat at my computer for a few extra minutes because I was embarrassed to be done so quickly! I didn't have to study, and I feel like I'd be a better RN if I *had* needed to. I certainly would have known a lot more, in a lot more detail than I do now!

In not having to try for anything, I don't feel like I'm the entirely the person I could have been. I feel like I would be a *better* person if I'd had to work hard and learn everything completely and well. And that really bugs me.

So I guess that's a better review of my "gifted baggage" -- and that's something I consider while making decisions for my poor ds! I want him to have the opportunity to really be challenged and stretch his mind.

Mia -
I don't think that it is too late for you to become the person you were meant to be. My guess is that in Parenting you will not be willing to do a "half-way" job. What kind of goal would you need to set so that you would be able to respect yourself IF you could achieve it?

I do think gradeskips help children who need them. But I also think that the best way to ensure that your son doesn't follow in your footsteps, is to .... start walking a new path.

I know you know it, already. I want to cheer you on to figuring out what your own passion is. You deserve to have at least one. What do you love doing?

Love and More Love,
Trinity

Wow, I've been out of town for 4 days and I come back to a very busy board! How great...but now I need to do some serious catching -up!

Its been really interesting reading everyone's posts. Its always refreshing to read something that you could have written yourself. It let's me know that I'm not alone!

I always knew I was different as a child. I think I was more adult than child, if that makes sense. I was always very aware that I saw things very differently than other kids. I entered K at 4 and after some testing they suggested skipping me to 2nd grade. My parents refused. I was already young and I happened to be extremely shy and so they thought it was in my best interest to stay where I was. School was very easy but after a while I became complacent. I never pushed myself, never lived up to my potential. Maybe it was boredom? I easily got decent grades but when I applied myself I would ace everything. Hind sight is certainly 20-20 and looking back I know I know that I should've done so much better. Anyway, I also think I was hiding from the "gifted" label.

It doesn't make sense with respect to how I handled school but I am also a perfectionist. I've had to check that when I'm doing things with the kids, though. Its ok to make mistakes and my kids need to know that and so I work hard at not putting that expectation of perfection on them!

I think one thing I take from my experiences as a "gifted" child that benefits me in raising my GT dd is that I teach her to not feel like she has to hide her giftedness. She knows she thinks differently than other kids and that its ok. She also knows that everyone learns things at different times and to never make someone feel bad for not "getting" it as quickly as she does. She is very comfortable in her gifted skin ( ) and it allows her the confidence to do what she loves without holding back...and for her thats her love of learning.

Was anyone else not identified gifted as a child? I was never identified, went to a small rural catholic school, and was never skipped, accelerated, etc etc etc. And my parents were quite hands off. Which I think almost everyone was at that time.

I had a miserable elementary school experience. I knew I was different, but I didn't know how. I really thought something was wrong with me. I was also very shy and sensitive. Anyway, even having that knowledge would have been very powerful. I basically underachieved and daydreamed to survive. I was totally depressed there.

High school was much better. It was a larger public school that had a group of geeks and it was ok to be one. I also was involved in many extra curriculars. But belive me, I wrote notes and read books in class with the best of them! I did fractions of assigned reading in history books, etc. Anyway - I probably don't have the best work ethic to this day. College wasn't much of a stretch either. I wish I would have pursued something I had a bit more passion about. I pursued technical degrees - which for me were just easy.

Anyway - I really am sensitive to our kids not having an ideal elementary school experience. My husband and I are still not totally on the same page on how to deal with this. And my DS7 is a lot like the boys some of you talked about. Not incredibly excited about learning. Which is sad. I feel like he was as a preschooler and a year and a 1/2 of regular school has made him a bit jaded.

kmick -
Although I was allowed to start Kindy early, I wasn't identified as gifted. I think back then people thought it was bad to talk to your children about their difference. Later on, in High School, when the gifted program started, my younger brother was identified, so I thought that I probably was too, although he was the "astounding" one. I remember a booklet given out by the school that talked about several different types of giftedness. One profile was a child who wrote their paper by embody what they are learning about. The heading of that segment was "I am a Pencil." I remember sitting in the bathroom, reading it on the sly, thinking: This must be the kind I am!

I wonder if any of you also learned that way, about giftedness, I mean.

So yes, I had no idea what was going on until I did, and then I went right into denial ASAP.

Love and More Love,
Pencil

Sort of. I was tested a couple of times and did not qualify, although I vividly remember being TERRIFIED of the tester and the test. I was later put in the program because my teachers pushed it and got me in via portfolio assessment. I always excelled in school and I'm now a mathematician. I am sure I am gifted and that I would do well on an IQ test now. As a child, however, I was extrememly shy, and I also got nervous over things like that.

Ironically, we're going through the same thing with my older DD. She's been referred twice, but she doesn't do well enough on the NNAT to qualify for services. I am sure she is gifted, but she is NOT visual-spatial. She's very verbal. She is grouped with the GT kids for reading, and she helps her GT friends with math. I hope she will get into the program through her OLSAT in the spring. I'm frustrated with the process, but it helps that I had a similar experience, I guess.

As far as high school goes, DH and I were able to challenge ourselves through AP/dual enrollment. My freshman year of college was actually easier than my senior year of high school. I can't say that I was really appropriately challenged in college. Graduate school was the real challenge for me. I'd love to go back!

It absolutely does! I think many/most/all of us who floated along in school feel that kind of disappointment in ourselves. And I confess that I'm still struggling against my own inner sloth. I was always the "teacher's pet" sort of gifted kid, so if I have an external authority to please, I work hard. If not, I'm a slacker. It's not good.

It does seem to be serving me reasonably well in home schooling, happily, since I rarely get too controlling with DS6's work. It makes for much more student-directed learning. But in all other aspects of life, I tend to have a pretty crummy work ethic, at least according to my own personal expectations if not the expectations of the rest of society.


You seem pretty wise to me. Honest!


Of course, even those who have to work hard rarely learn all the stuff they're supposed to learn completely. I think that's pie-in-the-sky, you know?

Here's a thought for you, to consider or ignore, as you like: Perhaps the issue here--or at least a part of it--is the assumption that people who have to work hard to learn are better prepared than you are. Could you have learned more? Sure. But you probably know just as much as your peers even though you didn't work nearly as hard. I realize a big part of what you're talking about is the feeling you have about yourself, not in comparison with others. But you're also comparing, so I don't think it's irrelevant.

The phrase "Work smart, not hard" comes to mind. I get that part of this is "What if I had worked hard *and* smart," but it seems like part is just comparing hard to smart, and that's apples to oranges. You didn't work hard because you didn't have to. Some would say that instead of being wise, you'd have been foolish to do more if you could do less and still attain your goals. It's human nature.

And I'd still say that using that feeling of...insufficiency? unfulfilled promise? inner slacker?...to make sure your child does have to work hard at something is good and noble. Wrenching for you, sure. I don't mean to minimize that! But, really, that's a good and noble goal for all of us.

FWIW...little though it might be...

I think beacause we have such good imaginations we think alot about what an ideal response or behavior would have/ should have been so when we are only pretty good we fall short of what could have/ should have been the best in our mind.
Perfectionism torture begins with a great imagination of what could be and somehow morphs into what we think "should be" because if we could think it we should be able to do it.......
and if its not the best we can think of, then its not good enough..