Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Am I too focused on 'gifted'?

I laugh when all the pamphlets come home from school telling you to ask everyday what your child is learning in school. That was definitely a no-no in our house. It was better not to focus on it. I would ask about recess, art or music instead. Also, it's very difficult to *trust* what DC is saying, at least mine. He told me about something he learned in class about the tongue I think. I said, "You see, you did do science today." he said, "That's not science, that's just telling. The teacher read it from a book." Their definitions of things are often very different from ours.

I have been so careful about not saying anything regarding academics to most people. I focus more on academic interests ie that his interests are science and history which are not the focus of school. I fear that I often paint DS in a very poor light and it's difficult when he's in ear shot but I don't really care what those people think of DS so I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

Yes, that was my DS...he constantly said, "I don't learn anything I don't already know." "I learned that 2 years ago." "Maybe I'll learn something new when I"m in highschool." Now, I knew there were things he didn't know. But they'd work on it for a week, have to do study cards, then have a review sheet, then have a test on it that was word for word the review sheet. If we had covered that at home, there would have been discussion about that topic over a book and we'd move on.

That's how it was with both of my kids. Now that my eldest is 5 (almost) we are starting "formal" school. I use the term "formal" very loosely. To this day, however, I am always worried that I might be hothousing and not even realize it. The thing is, I know I am not doing any such thing, not even close. Being pushy, drilling my kids, etc. is waaaaaay too much work. It's absolutely not my personality to do such things. I just work to keep up with my kids. It's so true what they say about being dragged along for the ride.

And yes, sometimes, "keeping up" means I purchase workbooks for them (they are under no obligation to use them). Other times it means, I make up flash cards or some other learning "tool" to help one of my kids with something when they ask, etc. In short it means doing what ever is needed at the time. Despite this, the doubt re: hothousing still lingers.

I haven't been fully ablt to shrug off the "hothousing" shadow that, sometimes, creeps in. Some days the shadow is almost overpowering and I feel paralyzed. There's this internal struggle, "No, I can't talk to my DD about X, even though she's interested in it; that's a topic for older kids. Discussing it now would be pushy" or I find myself watering down topics for my DD despite the fact that she has shown a readiness to learn/know them in a way that is more advanced than the version I share with her. This leaves her feeling confused and unsure of herself. Afterall if her own mother is dumbing down things for her, how else is she to feel about her abilities.

The question is, if I had never been told that I must be hothousing - afterall how else would a, then 2 year old, know how to read - and if I'd never been informed of normal child development (I had read the charts, but thought perhaps I had been pointed to the wrong information ) would I have ever had any idea that explaining about "the silent e" to a 16 month old was "advanced" or that it was "hothousing" to buy an insect field guide and magnifying glass for a 20 month old and let her go to town learning about insects their morphology, habitats, etc. or purchasing a 1st grade "comprehensive" workbook for a 3 year old because she begged for it and finished half of it in less than a month on her own volition... (Yes, these are some examples of things that I have had denounced as "hothousing" by now ex-friends.)

...Still, had I not been informed about "hothousing", etc. I would have continued to do all the fun things my kids loved without hesitation. Now, there's constantly this pause when I must convince myself that it's okay to do what I would normally do, which is to follow my children's needs (not be a puppet, but to do what I know is best for them and their personalities) and encourage their interests and explorations.

I'm okay with knowing the term "Gifted". It's helpful to me and finally clued me into why the milestone charts were so *off* for my kids. The term "hothousing", well, I could have done without knowing it. Any person who really knows me and my children know that "hothousing", simply, isn't something that happens in my home. Yet, I do know the term and it *does* affect me. It makes me hesitant to do things that I know my children would love and that would benefit them. Sometimes it even causes me to avoid opportunities altogether for fear that I might seem to pushy or that others might perceive that my expectations are too high for my kids given their ages - even though I know that the expectations are on target for them as individuals. (If I could take my brain out of my head and scrub away what I know of "hothousing" and irradicate the negative affect it's had on me, I would).

And now on to the reason I started this response in the first place, kindergarten and this sentence:


When my DD started preschool, she went for approximately 1.5 semester, her speech was very advanced. She had a strong grasp and utilataztion of proper grammar, decent diction, etc. By the time she was done with her preschool *stint*, her speech had changed to match the patterning of those she was around the most - kids around the age 2.5 - 3.5. Now at nearly 5, she does get on good rolls where her speech is more akin to what I had grown accustomed to before preschool. When I asked her about it, while she was attending preschool, her response was, "Oh mom! Kids my age don't talk like that!"

I'm not saying your DD will do this, but only that it's a possibility and not necessarily a terrible thing unless coupled with other negative personality changes.

I think your right in that it is more to do with 'hothousing' then gifted. I am in the same boat but realistically I know it isn't hothousing however I find that I limit the information.


This is my biggest fear with putting her in school with kids her own age. I already see that she dumbs down to fit in when she is around other kids for short time periods. I am hoping the more time she spends with kids the more she will want to be herself but I really fear it will be the other direction. Last night we went out to eat and granted she was very tired after a very active day. So the waiter came over to get our drink order and knelt down next to her to talk to her. Instant baby talk and staring at him. She even dropped her fork which he picked up and said he would get her another one since that one was dirty. She just stared at him. So he finally got up and said I don't think she understands ... so let me get her a fork. LOL ... I think he really thought she was retarded. If I didn't know her I would have thought it too. So the minute he leaves she tells her panda that she brought with her that she knows he is hungry but he needs to be patient. It back to normal talk ... then he returns and back to baby talk. Drives me nuts!! So yes, definitely a fear for me how much she changes to fit in.

Do you think your daughter is getting better now that she is in PS? I am hoping it is more of a phase and not them going backwards. That would be so hard to watch.

My computer "ate" my original response.

Here's the short version: we pulled our kids from preschool. They attended a total of 1.5 semesters, and we didn't like the changes we were seeing, especially in Boo. Also the comments from Boo's lead teacher during our parent/teacher conference were red flags for us. She told us that Boo spent over 90% of her time (by the teachers estimation) alone (where's the socialization there!) and after tellling us that Boo had mastered all the materials for the next year at the school and agreeing that it would be a better fit for Boo to be in with the 5-6 year olds she wasn't going to move her up, because "she needs to learn to be bored".

So we removed her from the school the very next week. We homeschool now and are loving it.

I keep telling myself that the preschool attached to a church is not really academic and is more for socialization so my expectations are not that high, but hearing your story really makes me have doubts. I take DD to the playground a lot here lately since we have had such beautiful weather and since the weather is so nice there have been a lot more children to play with her. So the other day this one boy who is almost a year older then her was there and totally infatuated with her so followed her everywhere. She wanted to go down the big slide but he got on first and wouldn't go down. So she starts telling him how rude he is and he needs to move and I think she pushed him and then he pushed her. So finally we get him to move and she slides down but he follows her everywhere. So since then I have had to hear how boys are mean and rude and they push and on and on. This is why I want her in preschool so she can adjust to other kids. If she is walking across the play equipment and other kids are in the way she politely says excuse me and if she bumps someone I hear her tell them she is sorry. This isn't the norm for a toddler and I am not saying I want to change her but she needs to learn that not everyone is as polite and some kids are more rowdy then others.

I just hope she doesn't end up spending so much time by herself while at preschool. You would think the teacher could have gotten involved and our preschools around here are the same way about not advancing them since they go by the public school cutoff dates. They won't allow a child to move up in a class by abilities but group by age. But I am excited for you that homeschooling is working for you and your family.

There was a thread here a while back that I just loved, I wonder if you will like it too?

http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/9988/1.html

It was one of those exciting moments where I could see my thoughts expanding in new ways as I typed...

Love and More Love,
Grinity

I'm coming into this late ... I'm sorry!

Mizzou, what a great post. That's how I feel a lot of the time -- I worry what *others* will think, not about how I feel about it. For instance, we use big words a lot -- ds6 has shown a preference for precise speech and so we use the most descriptive words possible around him, knowing he'll ask what they mean. He loves it, and remembers some interesting words ("atypical" and "apparently" are some of the funniest ones). Not every kid would care, and not every kid would ask what those words meant. Ds6 is interested and asks, so we answer. I've decided I don't see anything wrong with providing learning experiences that ds can decide to utilize or to ignore. Almost all the time, he takes advantage.

On the "boredom in school" issue: We pulled ds from public K in favor of private gifted because of a bad fit. I wouldn't say ds was "bored" in K. Above all, I think he was *frustrated* rather than "bored." He lashed out verbally at us and his teachers, and physically at the other children. He was quite capable of zoning out into his own little world, but then got in trouble for not paying attention. He was definitely regressing; he started K reading Beverly Cleary books, and was choosing only "Spot lift-the-flap" books by January. His spark was gone.

In the spring, he started a Saturday math class for gifted kids at a well-known university program in our area. It was like seeing a transformation -- he remembered that learning was fun. It was at that point that we started looking at school alternatives.

My goal for ds6 is that he learn to persevere at learning when he is frustrated. At his public school, he couldn't learn that, because there was *no* goal to his frustration -- and he had too much energy to pretend to be engaged all day. He says he likes his new school because they "learn hard new things!" He loves working at his level (although he recently confided that he thinks he's the smartest kid in his class. Not quite what I'd hoped to instill with this school, but that's another post entirely. )

I think "bored" is the wrong word to use here, because it's likely many ND kids are "bored" at school. For my ds, it went beyond "bored" and into "stifling" and "unbearable" -- though different kids have different ways of showing it. And some HG+ kids do fine in regular public school. My ds, with a school that wasn't willing to make early accommodations, was not one of them. It wasn't a case of "bored" -- it was a case of "falling apart at the seams." Academic challenge has really changed him back into himself.

Grinity ... thanks for the link. I am still reading through it but have this comment in regards to what I have read. It definitely has made me re-evaluate my idea of hot-housing which oddly enough is a term that I defined it as to begin with but through the fear of all of it seemed to put it on the back burner and overlooked it.

Hot-housing IMHO (and I am more talking about the early years but it could definitely apply to all stages of education or knowledge) is drilling the kid with curriculum where the results is rote memorization and nothing more. I watch my friend do this with her daughter. My friend was the valedictorian of her small rural class and absolutely believes herself to be profoundly gifted. I think she is smart absolutely, but when I think of exceptionally and profoundly gifted she is not one I would put in that category. I have a few friends that definitely are exceptionally gifted and one that is profoundly gifted and in comparison I just don't see her coming close. And just in case you think I am being petty and full of myself ... I consider myself MG at max and that is only recently. She is also very competitive with everything and she hears of other people's children doing things at X age so she took on the curriculum of her daughter to learn colors, shapes, numbers, etc because it was time and this started around the time her daughter was one. Her daughter has never shown interest in it and never talks about it other then recite back what she asks her. What color is that? answer. What shape is that? answer. So I clearly see that as rote memorization. Her daughter's communication is rote as well. She doesn't openly talk about anything but repeat what is said to her.

So this is what I consider hot-housing and I seemed to forget that in regards to my daughter. She is clearly not in rote memory. She is always recycling ideas showing her comprehension of such ideas and adding to it. So I need to get over it and just pull the workbooks out and see if she likes them. Right now she is on the reading kick so I put her on www.starfall.com today and left the room. She amazed me with how capable she was on the computer. At 2.5 she is able to maneuver the whole website closing windows and going back to the ones she likes and even ranking the stories. And the links on this site can be as small as two letter links and she has the patience and fine motor skills to click on it. She also has always had crazy concentration since she was a baby. If she is interested in something she would sit for 30+ minutes working on it and that has increased as she ages. So today she sat there for way over an hour. So I will let her continue using the website and add to it and see how it goes.

But again .. thanks for the link.

Thanks re: homeschooling!

Re: preschool, my kids went to a Reggio-Emilio School. It's a bit like Montessori in that it's designed to be very hands-on. Unlike Montessori, R-E schools are very arts based and "non-academic". I liked the philosophy, overall. The aged-based groupings and age-appropriate projects/materials/expectations were a poor fit for Boo. I have a feeling she would have thrived in an "appropriate-for-the-individual-child" setting. Then again, so would every child!

My kids were enrolled strictly for the "social" aspect of the school. That idea didn't pan out well for us. Although, Racer loved the sensory table when it was filled with water, soap suds, and toy boats and Boo left with a large collection of collages and sculptures. (Her teacher even commented that she found Boo's sense of depth, balance and color scheming to be highly impressive! )

Your daughter might do wonderfully and find the social aspect fun and engaging. That is to say, please, be sure to take my anecdotal information with a grain of salt. (I'm sure you are, but I said it anyway. )

Oh and with time, I am sure your DD would be able to figure out how other kids work, how to deal with age-mates, etc. by going to the park, on play dates, etc. Also, I've found with homeschooling that while my kids spend time around children their ages, they spend even more time in mixed-aged groupings. This interaction has allowed them to really hone their interpersonal skills, learn to work with a variety of abilities, etc. Just so, if your Plan A (preschool) doesn't pan out the way you hope, you know your DD can still have ample opportunities to hone her social skills.

IMO, you're correct - "bored" isn't the word. At least it isn't to describe what happened to my DD. Have you ever seen the movie "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? That is more like what happened to my kid; Boo went in, but she didn't come back out! She's *much* better at home now!

And yes, the whole hot-housing/perception of others thing can really be stifling! It's dumb, I know it! Yet, despite this knowledge, it still "gets" me sometimes! I'm getting much better at not letting it hinder what I do with my kids. Perhaps, I should design at 12-Step Program!