Gifted Bulletin Board

Welcome to the Gifted Issues Discussion Forum.

We invite you to share your experiences and to post information about advocacy, research and other gifted education issues on this free public discussion forum.
CLICK HERE to Log In. Click here for the Board Rules.

Links


Learn about Davidson Academy Online - for profoundly gifted students living anywhere in the U.S. & Canada.

The Davidson Institute is a national nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted students through the following programs:

  • Fellows Scholarship
  • Young Scholars
  • Davidson Academy
  • THINK Summer Institute

  • Subscribe to the Davidson Institute's eNews-Update Newsletter >

    Free Gifted Resources & Guides >

    Who's Online Now
    0 members (), 167 guests, and 10 robots.
    Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
    Newest Members
    parentologyco, Smartlady60, petercgeelan, eterpstra, Valib90
    11,410 Registered Users
    March
    S M T W T F S
    1 2
    3 4 5 6 7 8 9
    10 11 12 13 14 15 16
    17 18 19 20 21 22 23
    24 25 26 27 28 29 30
    31
    Previous Thread
    Next Thread
    Print Thread
    Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 303
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 303
    I don't know how involved you would want to get, but another suggestion is to go to the school they attend, sounds like you know what school it is, talk to the prinipal about how shameful his/her students are acting to a 5 year old. (Is that what their teaching them there?) And that you want him/her to talk to their parents ect... shouldn't be hard to find out who they are if they take the bus often. I know that's a very bold move (that's what the mother bear in me would do)

    Good luck, more hugs for you smile

    Joined: Jun 2008
    Posts: 412
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Jun 2008
    Posts: 412
    So sorry to hear about his CollinsMum! My son went through a period of bullying last year, and everyone here was so very helpful with suggestions on how to deal with it. We all feel for you, and most of us have been in the same position.

    My son was older at the time (seven), but I found a great book called, Bullies are a Pain in the Brain. I found it on the Hoagies web site for gifted kids. We found the book in the library, so it was a cheap resource. Here is a link:
    http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/bullies.htm

    Five might be too young for this strategy, but we eventually explained it in terms of a remote control. The bullies were trying to push his buttons to get him to react. In our case, the bullies were taunting DS in order to get him to overreact to their threats. They could then go and tell on him. We tried to show DS that the bullies only had power over him when he reacted to them. If he shrugged it off and said "whatever", then the bullying stopped.

    But there are many shades of bullying and each one is designed to inflict its own type of pain. The bullies who go after a shy kid who won't stand up for himself are very different than the ones that try to go after kids like mine who always stand up and refuse to back down. I would say that bullies will continue as long as:
    1) They derive some pleasure in it. It usually stops if they don't get a response from the child.
    2) If they are not in danger of getting into trouble from it. This means that they usually pick on kids who are by themselves. Kriston is right in that it just takes one other child to stand up for a target before they back down. However if you stand up for your child and they find him alone in the future, they will look for a payback.

    I guess that I would hope that this type of behavior would get old fast and they would discover some other form of juvenile delinquency soon. One can only hope that the next video game, movie, or a can of spray paint would provide more entertainment than teasing a 5 year old. I will mention that there is a period that boys seem to go through (grades 5- 7? maybe longer?) were boys think that teasing other boys is as natural as breathing. My DS8 has come in contact with it quite a bit in the Jr. High class that he is taking. As long as DS teases the other boys back gently and in good fun, then it seems to be a natural part of this age. DS's 7th grade teacher says that he gives the teasing back as good as the other boys give it, and that made him accepted as one of the boys. These boys on your bus just seem to relish giving it out to a defenseless 5 year old. To me, that says that they are insecure in their own grade level and need to beef up their self image by picking on someone who won't give it back to them.

    I don't know if this rambling has been helpful at all. I wish you luck. I'm probably showing my age here, but did anyone see the old, old, movie by Steve Martin called Roxanne from 1987? There is a great scene in the movie where Steve Martin is being picked on for his unusually large nose. He ends up shaming the bullies by being far more clever in creating derogatory comments about his own nose. I have always loved that scene. (the rest of the movie... not so much!) smile


    Mom to DS12 and DD3
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by Kriston
    I did read somewhere that some huge percentage of bullying (85% sticks in my head, but I could be way off there.) stops if someone--anyone--says something about it. For that reason, I'm not sure that ignoring it is a good idea. Maybe a quiet "That's not very nice" would help? So much depends upon your personality though...

    Mostly I'm just sorry you and your son are going through this. frown
    Thanks. I'm pretty assertive (also professionally so ;-) but in a situation where I can't actually do anything except talk, I don't think I believe that saying something helps; certainly didn't help me when I was the one being bullied. And I'm afraid of making matters worse, by giving them the fun of showing that they can ignore me with impunity :-(


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by st pauli girl
    Is there ever a time when there's just one of the kids alone?
    No, it's a gang of them who get on and off together. I was half hoping there was a magic solution I wasn't thinking of, but I don't think so. Ah well. Thanks ;-)


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by Austin
    Your son is not socially aware, but he can pick friends. Is there a large boy or girl whom he can befriend who also rides that bus? Or is there a kid who is very good at sports or is known to be feisty?
    No, he's the only one at his school who is on the bus at the relevant point. (Private school, practically everyone else is dropped off by car! That's probably another point, he's clever, he has the wrong accent and he goes to the posh school, poor kid! Still, at least he has his mum with him, so he isn't going to get physically bullied!)


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by Skylersmommy
    I don't know how involved you would want to get, but another suggestion is to go to the school they attend, sounds like you know what school it is, talk to the prinipal about how shameful his/her students are acting to a 5 year old. (Is that what their teaching them there?) And that you want him/her to talk to their parents ect... shouldn't be hard to find out who they are if they take the bus often. I know that's a very bold move (that's what the mother bear in me would do)

    Good luck, more hugs for you smile
    Thanks :-) I don't think I'd want the school to contact the parents individually - and frankly, I doubt if they would for what will be seen as mild teasing - but I did wonder about writing to ask if they could do something general in assembly or "personal and social development" as they call it here, about bullying including mockery. I think I'll reserve that as a possible escalation, if ignoring them doesn't work quickly.


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by ebeth
    My son was older at the time (seven), but I found a great book called, Bullies are a Pain in the Brain. I found it on the Hoagies web site for gifted kids. We found the book in the library, so it was a cheap resource. Here is a link:
    http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/bullies.htm
    Thank you for all your comments, and for this especially - I have ordered it! The remote control picture sounds like a useful one. A friend elsewhere reminded me that a while ago I talked to DS about the fact that people tend to be irrationally afraid of people they perceive as not like them, and sometimes they do unpleasant things (teasing in this case, in other cases murder) as a reaction to being afraid. DS might not understand why, but he's previously met the idea that that's something people do, so that may also be something to remind him of.

    I'm sorry you and your DS had to go through this (or worse) too: here's hoping he's seen the last of it.


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Well, play it out if you said something. What would happen? Do you fear that it will escalate to physical violence? Or are you just afraid that they won't care that you said something to them?

    If the latter, I don't see how that's any worse than not saying something in the first place. I mean, aren't you teaching your son now that people can walk all over you and you won't respond? How is that worse than teaching him that you'll try to defend yourself (and him!) but will fail? Is not even trying better than failing?

    I'm not convinced...

    Different strokes for different folks, of course. But following your logic as you have presented it here, I'm not sure that saying and doing nothing is working for you.


    Kriston
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    C
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    C
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 1,898
    Originally Posted by Kriston
    Well, play it out if you said something. What would happen? Do you fear that it will escalate to physical violence? Or are you just afraid that they won't care that you said something to them?
    No, I'm afraid that they *will* care, in that they'll be pleased that what they're trying to do - upset us both - has succeeded. I think that as a result they'd do it more and for longer.

    That was my experience when I or anyone else tried to stand up for me, and I'm afraid that both here and on another forum where I asked for advice, everyone who's ever had this happen to them has said Ignore. Various people have said "say something" on principle, but nobody (yet!) has said "it happened to me, or to my child, and someone said something and it stopped".


    Email: my username, followed by 2, at google's mail
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Well, when I was a child, I regularly stood up for people being bullied, and the bullying stopped. Now, I was a child at the time, and of course you aren't. That certainly changes the dynamic. But in response to your question, yes, I can say for sure that "This happened, I said something, and it stopped." *Many* times!

    By the time I was 7 or 8, I'd say, pretty much everyone in the school knew that I would put a stop to any bullying that I saw, and I didn't care what the bullies thought of me or said about me. I was never in a fight of any sort either. People just stopped because I told them that what they were doing was mean and I wouldn't allow it to continue. I used the threat of telling the teacher, but I very rarely had to actually do it.

    Was I the most popular kid on the playground? Not with bullies. But since I wasn't too keen on them either, that was okay by me. Before very long, I had a substantial circle of friends who stood by me when bullying happened because they knew I was there for them, too. It's easy to bully one person alone, but when people refuse to be bullied and stick together, it becomes much harder to bully them.

    However, since you are an adult, I'm not sure any of this is relevant to the specific case at hand.

    Instead I think you are in a position of authority, which makes everything different. I wouldn't approach it as defending your child. I'd approach it as teaching the kids a lesson in manners that they sorely need, regardless of whose child they're talking about. I definitely wouldn't get upset. I'd just very calmly tell them that they need a lesson in manners and that their parents must be very disappointed in their behavior. I wouldn't be angry; I'd be sternly parental or teacherly!

    But again, that's my personality. Heck, if I were on that bus and saw those boys being mean to *your* child, I'd speak up and tell them to cut it out. I'm not sure I'd be able to help myself, frankly!

    I realize that's not going to work for everyone...


    Kriston
    Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

    Moderated by  M-Moderator, Mark D. 

    Link Copied to Clipboard
    Recent Posts
    Testing with accommodations
    by aeh - 03/27/24 01:58 PM
    Quotations that resonate with gifted people
    by indigo - 03/27/24 12:38 PM
    For those interested in astronomy, eclipses...
    by indigo - 03/23/24 06:11 PM
    California Tries to Close the Gap in Math
    by thx1138 - 03/22/24 03:43 AM
    Gifted kids in Illinois. Recommendations?
    by indigo - 03/20/24 05:41 AM
    Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5