Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy 5yo being mocked: how to deal with it?

Every morning I take DS5 to school on the (ordinary) bus. There's only one choice of bus. There's a group of boys from the local high school who take the same bus for part of the way. I'd say they're 11 or 12. They've started mocking DS. It started one day when he was doing sums on the bus and talking about them - of course, he was doing sums with fractions and negative numbers, and I now remember having overheard one of this group having failed to do a simple multiplication (6 x 7 or thereabouts) the other day, so I suppose that was a red flag :-( They starting talking among themselves in an obviously to-be-overheard way: "Gifted chiiiiild. Stephen Hawking before his terrible accident" [I wanted to say "He didn't have an accident! He has motor neurone disease!" but said nothing.] I hoped it was a one-off, and took a mental note to try to make sure DS wasn't talking about maths when they were around, but today he was just talking ("why can grass survive snow? Is it because it has horizontal stalks?") and they were repeating his phrases ("horizooontal staaaalks"). It doesn't help that DS has an English accent and we're in Scotland.

From long experience in my own childhood :-( I suspect that there's nothing to be done about this - e.g., that saying anything to them or to their school, or sitting away from our usual place on the bus, would only make matters worse - but I'd welcome advice on what to say to DS. He doesn't fully grok what's going on, but he does notice. I told him (after they'd got off) that they were just being silly and trying to annoy us, and that I thought we should ignore them; and after the first time it happened, when he was doing sums, I told him that I thought they thought he was unusually young to be doing that kind of sum. I don't think he got why that would make them tease us, at all, though; if you were in this situation, would you try to explain, e.g. help him understand why he in particular is a good target? I think I'm inclined not to; it's not as though he ever has to encounter this group without me, since they're at a different school. I have no reason to think anything similar is happening at his own school. But I do feel rather fatalistic about it, as though it was only a matter of time before something like this happened and as though it's bound to happen lots more. I'd like to be wrong :-(

Anyone tackled this kind of situation? What did you do/say?

I really feel for you - it can be very tough when other children start being nasty. From my experience of UK children I would agree not to approach the children or the school and to try to ignore them (much easier said than done!).

Can you explain to your DS that it is unusual that he can do what he does and that it can make older children feel jealous and insecure and that it is best to take no notice of them.

I'm afraid I can't be much help as I haven't encountered a situation like this, maybe someone else here has some experience..

XX

I have no idea. My son only gets teased on the school bus, while I'm not around. ;-(

I stopped by a neighbor's house once to buy fresh eggs. When my son saw the 'little girl' come to deliver the eggs, he recognised her as a bus tormentor, and hid so she wouldn't see him. He was 10. I didn't realize that he could fit himself 'where the feet go' anymore. I had just switched his school so he wasn't currently riding that bus, and was so glad. The sick feeling was that it was so unexpected! I had no idea it was 'that' bad.

I guess I would read up on 'bullying' and see if it's worth trying anything. Part of me wonders if you could do the 'bring them cookies' and 'I'm looking to hire a strong 12 yeear old for some odd jobs around the house' routine. It works in the movies, but I can't vouch for real life.

Have you seen the movie 'Vitus?' If nothing else, you could rent it and have a good cry.

((hugs))
Grinity

That is awful!

I tend to avoid conflict but as you have to to ride that bus i would suggest 2 things:
If they say something i would turn round and just stare at one or more of them - obviously only if you feel safe to do so.

Or talk to the bus driver about this 'abuse'. But as you said it could make things worse.

i think your explaination was good. I would refain from why he seems a good target incase of your DS starting to not be himself. 5 is way to young to have to deal with this and IMO the less he knows the better

The rudeness of some kids is unbelievable!! I would be mortified if one of those 11 year olds was mine!

Tiz writes:
I could try, but he's not advanced in social understanding and I don't think he groks "jealous" or "insecure". (I remember a reading book he brought home from school a month or two back which had jealousy as a theme and him completely failing to understand the characters' motivations, actually.) I'm reluctant to get into a long-winded explanation of feelings he won't recognise. I suppose I'll have to play it by ear.

Thanks for the sympathy, it helps!

That may be us next year, though I'll hope not...
That's awful.

I'll have a browse around, but no way am I employing these kids! You're right that bullying is the right keyword, though I hadn't looked at it that way.

I haven't, no. Will maybe add it to my list...

Thank you for the hugs, I knew I'd find people here who'd sympathise.

Talking to the bus-driver is definitely out - he's not going to interfere for anything much short of broken bones! (This is a city bus, not a school bus - the driver is in no sense responsible for the kids.)

Stare at them? Maybe. It's hard to gauge; when I was the child, I know from bitter experience that any kind of communication, including eye contact, makes this kind of thing worse - they're trying to get a rise out of you. If it's the child's mother? Not sure. Depends, but I fear they'd think it was funny.

See, I'm so torn. I guess it's back to the old follow-his-lead. I do, at least, want to make sure he can talk about it with me if he wants to.

I expect their mothers would, too. There's something about the pack behaviour of boys this age: I doubt if any one of them singly would have dreamt of being so rude, but once there's a group of them... Well, DS will be that age one day. I hope he'll know better, but we'll see.

I can't believe they acted like that with you sitting there! I'm a bossy former teacher, so I'd probably give them a good tongue-lashing and a lesson about manners. But that isn't necessarily the right thing to do here. Just something I couldn't help doing...I detest bullying and I can't let it go by without comment.

I did read somewhere that some huge percentage of bullying (85% sticks in my head, but I could be way off there.) stops if someone--anyone--says something about it. For that reason, I'm not sure that ignoring it is a good idea. Maybe a quiet "That's not very nice" would help? So much depends upon your personality though...

Mostly I'm just sorry you and your son are going through this.

Oh ColinsMum - i'm so sorry this is happening to your DS. Is there ever a time when there's just one of the kids alone? I would think that if you could somehow feel out which of these kids you could get to who could influence the others, there might be some hope. Perhaps slipping a letter to one of them unseen by the others saying how you know they are just teasing, but that your son is just 5 and doesn't understand it's in fun (even if it's not), and he gets quite upset or some such. Otherwise i guess i'd try to sit in the front of the bus and ignore them. I wish there were an easy answer. Sending hugs.

Your son is not socially aware, but he can pick friends. Is there a large boy or girl whom he can befriend who also rides that bus? Or is there a kid who is very good at sports or is known to be feisty?