Gifted Bulletin Board

Welcome to the Gifted Issues Discussion Forum.

We invite you to share your experiences and to post information about advocacy, research and other gifted education issues on this free public discussion forum.
CLICK HERE to Log In. Click here for the Board Rules.

Links


Learn about Davidson Academy Online - for profoundly gifted students living anywhere in the U.S. & Canada.

The Davidson Institute is a national nonprofit dedicated to supporting profoundly gifted students through the following programs:

  • Fellows Scholarship
  • Young Scholars
  • Davidson Academy
  • THINK Summer Institute

  • Subscribe to the Davidson Institute's eNews-Update Newsletter >

    Free Gifted Resources & Guides >

    Who's Online Now
    0 members (), 239 guests, and 35 robots.
    Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
    Newest Members
    streble, DeliciousPizza, prominentdigitiz, parentologyco, Smartlady60
    11,413 Registered Users
    March
    S M T W T F S
    1 2
    3 4 5 6 7 8 9
    10 11 12 13 14 15 16
    17 18 19 20 21 22 23
    24 25 26 27 28 29 30
    31
    Previous Thread
    Next Thread
    Print Thread
    Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    This is, originally, intended to be two posts, I've combined them into one, as they are both related to the perception held by many people that children like ours are made due to parental "pushing" and my frustration with the pervasiveness of this line of thought.

    Part A:

    This is a mini-vent that I am sure most of you will be able to relate to.

    If I hear any more direct or implied comments re: stop pushing, I am going to bite my tongue off to keep from screaming. Seriously, I don't push. I follow. Heck some days I am dragged along and others I am running like a maniac to keep up. Pushing? No way!

    I want to say to those people: "Read my lips: It's too much work! Really!"

    Yes, I have tried to explain that I am simply following my child's interest and presenting things that are within her level of ability and that yes I do provide challenge, but within her realm of capability, etc. but that those things aren't pushing. I have enough to do without "pushing".

    Pushing, ha! It's almost laughable. End rant.

    Part B:

    I must confess!

    Part of my vent stemmed not only from the comments I encounter from people in the real world, but also from things I have read in different venues. Specifically, we home school and have always (and always will) consider ourselves "life learners". As such we have been very unschooly in our approach to education. My children, however, have shown a desire for more structure - beyond our usual scheduling of events and activities; so after much research and contemplation, I've started with the Charlotte Mason methodology. It's working really well for us and is a nice blend of very short "lessons" (I'm still getting used to the idea of lessons, thus the use of quotations, but am finding that I enjoy it and my children do, too. They are quite engaged.)

    Ah, but my dilemma/frustration/anxiety/whathaveyou comes from things like the FAQ page on Ambleside. There's a question re: when should a child start and addresses "advanced" kids that are younger than the recommended age of six. The answer from the FAQ page is, basically, "'[W]hile it may look good to onlookers' don't start a child before then". The "may look good to onlookers" part is what irks me! The implication that a person who starts a child on the program before age six is doing it for the benefit of "onlookers" sparks my ire. It makes me feel as thought I am being a pushy parent, when I know full well that that isn't the case - not even close - "onlookers" don't even factor into my reason for starting. Admittedly though, other people and their comments and reactions *are* a reason why I have dragged my feet and am always wary of sharing things that my children know/do (when it's appropriate to the conversation). So since we are starting at age 4.5 with my eldest (and my youngest age 3 participates whenever/however he chooses), I have this feeling that I am doing something *wrong*. Still, I'm breaking the rules and in my local homeschool group, from the moms that use CM, I keep hearing "Why rush? Your kids are little; you have time."

    Many of the regular group members have commented on my DD's precociousness in various ways and have seen bits and pieces of her intellectual ability. I think some of them think it's *me* doing it to my DD and don't really believe that I don't "do" anything to her - in fact, I firmly believe that education is not something that is "done" to a person; so the idea of pushing education into a person's mind is antithesis to my convictions re: learning and education.

    Add to this that we have already read most of the books in the CM Year 1 booklist, *last year*, for no other reason than my kids were interested in the books - purely coincidental. We are starting CM at Year 1, which means we will be repeating some of the same books. I could substitute, but I feel some of the books are worth repeating and everyone enjoyed them so much. I want to be able to step fully over the line and say, "Yes, we are in Year 1 of Charlotte Mason. Yes, my eldest is 4.5. Yes, I'm aware that CM is geared to start at age 6 or later. No, I am not being pushy - my child is ready and has been for sometime. In fact, I should have done this or something similar last year, but dragged my feet" (or something similar).

    Really, I just need to stop caring about what anyone else might think. They don't know my kids the way I do. I know what I need to do, even so...it's difficult for me.

    Thanks for reading!

    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,167
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,167
    Welcome to our world!! Isn't it nice that this forum exists for people with kids like ours? We've all heard it, over and over. After a while you'll get to where you're just immune. Just keep on doing what your kids need you to do and let the rest of the world take care of itself.


    Shari
    Mom to DS 10, DS 11, DS 13
    Ability doesn't make us, Choices do!
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    Originally Posted by BWBShari
    Welcome to our world!! Isn't it nice that this forum exists for people with kids like ours? We've all heard it, over and over. After a while you'll get to where you're just immune. Just keep on doing what your kids need you to do and let the rest of the world take care of itself.


    You're right! Although my children are still young, I have actually known they were "different" for quite sometime - years, in fact. I recall reading milestone charts and thinking, "This can't be right" and our Parents as Teachers liason coming to my house one day with information for children 3 years ahead of mine in age. She said, "I can't say anthing 'officially' and we'll go over where your daughter should be based on her age and then I'll give you the other papers based on where I feel she, actually, *is*." That was just one of the few comments some starting before she was a year old that had me scratching my head. Too bad not all the comments could be positive or informative.

    I have gotten better about building my immunity; sometimes, though, I fall short. I am better at filtering out the negative comments, sill imperfect. It seems that the negative are more prevelant than the positive. Although, that could simply be my perception based on having born the brunt of some really cruel comments re: my DD's abilities.

    I realize that sometimes I go backward in my journey forward, my "immunity" is tested. In the end, I have to take solace that these aren't setbacks, they are opportunities to strengthen my immunity and in retrospect I continue to make progress despite sometime having to retrace steps that I feel that I have already taken. Two steps forward, one back. I have to remember that I have still netted one step!

    Happy parenting and thanks for your kind words!
    MM

    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 303
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 303
    Mizzo, I feel your pain, or your arm being dragged in whatever direction your children take you. Mine are the same way, mainly my DD5. DD4 is a close 2nd. I find that even I tell myself don't rush her. But she's not being rushed, this is the way she is.
    She just started K last September after 2 months all I heard was "I don't want to count anymore ducks and balls, and can I have a book that isn't a babybook to read in class? She just started 1st grade and i'm worried that in a couple of months I'm going to be hearing something similiar, hopefully we get to summer before that happens.

    It's funny when my girls were learning stuff so early I keep thinking school was going to be a breeze with these two, I didn't relize there was going to be a whole other set of issues, not complaining just observing.


    Mom to DD24, DD5, and DD4
    Grandma to DGS2 and DGS3

    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 142
    RJH Offline
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 142
    Sing it sister! Just yesterday my Father-In-Law felt it was necessary to give me some sort of lecture because my 2nd grade (homeschooled) son is doing 5th-6th grade math. In FIL's eyes this is some how hurting my son. Although, he couldn't explain to me how. DS does his math all by himself on the computer....the program grades his work (he gets all 95% or higher) so I told him it's not even possible for me to be pushing him, and if he were getting 75% or something like that....well then yea, his math would be too hard. I really wanted to tell him to mind his own business. Uggg.

    I don't know about everyone else's kids, but if I push mine too hard they just shut down and learning time is over. So I just follow their lead, and give them exactly what they can handle.

    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 127
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 127
    Oh, I am so with you. While on one hand it is so great that my dd3 loves to read so much - and I am so amazed by her, but her appetite for books is killing me. Every time I go to the library and feel like I have "stocked up" for a little while - a few days later I find that she has read everything I have checked out. It is so time consuming and exhausting. Thank goodness for the library, so at least it is not expensive. I do sort of wonder sometimes what the librarians are thinking about me... "there goes that crazy lady again - she is here every other day!"

    A week or two ago she announced that she was going to stop reading, because none of her friends could read, and it was just not something that kids did. I was a bit sad, but there was that little part of me thought ahh - respite. So I told her that it was just fine if she did not want to read anymore -- two days later she told me that she "changed her mind" -- I wish she would have held out for a week or two!

    The idea that other people think that I am pushing my daughter just makes me laugh. It really does not bother me one bit because I see all of the things the parents of ND kids do...everyone wants their kids to learn up to their potential.

    Joined: Dec 2005
    Posts: 7,207
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Dec 2005
    Posts: 7,207
    Originally Posted by mizzoumommy
    Really, I just need to stop caring about what anyone else might think. They don't know my kids the way I do. I know what I need to do, even so...it's difficult for me.

    One one hand, yes of course you have to find a way to 'stop caring' about what other's think, here in the USA it's really popular to have 'strong' boundries, and 'be your own person,' but there is another hand. Humans are social animals. Mothering is a high stress job, and it's normal and natural to want your full heritage of wise adults who have walked this road before you.

    So I would say that it's only a small twist of fate that you are one of the very few people who happen to be parenting a child who is taking an 'alternate developmental path.' So your natural desire to be social is turned against you, that's all. Join your local gifted association, go to a few conferences or programs, post and read here. It's totally normal to want 'social parenting' - 'it takes a village,' remember? However, you have to be really really careful in who you pick to be your village, because your child is just plain really really unusual.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


    Coaching available, at SchoolSuccessSolutions.com
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,299
    I
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    I
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,299
    Quote
    Every time I go to the library and feel like I have "stocked up" for a little while - a few days later I find that she has read everything I have checked out. It is so time consuming and exhausting. Thank goodness for the library, so at least it is not expensive. I do sort of wonder sometimes what the librarians are thinking about me... "there goes that crazy lady again - she is here every other day!"

    Loved this! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I think of us as "heavy users" and wait with baited breath to see if I'm at our family's limit when I check out (4 x 35 = 140 books). "Oh, that card is maxed out?! Try this one." blush

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Add in homeschooling! crazy

    I have my own hold shelf all to myself!


    Kriston
    Joined: Mar 2008
    Posts: 123
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Mar 2008
    Posts: 123
    I have gotten these sorts of comments a lot. I find my self worrying that maybe I don't know what I am doing and should listen to these older/wiser? parents around me. But then I see the difference in DD when she is challenged. It is like night and day. If she is not challenged we have problems. When she is challenged she is happy, calm, cooperative and well adjusted. I am starting to realize that other people and teachers underestimate what she is capable of by a lot. They don't live with her, I do and I underestimate what is challenging for her. When I get it right though it is really right and everything just falls into place. She is engaged and happy and soaks up everything she is learning. She really seems to need to learn. Not teaching her or answering her questions I think would be harmful. All I can do is try to keep up.

    I agree that parents have a need to be social and share the journey of parenthood with others. Finding others is the hard part for the parent and for the kids.

    I have found at the library there are certain librarians that are very helpful and receptive to my kids. I try to go when those librarians are working. I would tend to think most librarians would not think it is odd to see the same people week after week checking out so many books. Most librarians probably work there because they like books and learning. But we have met some crabby ones.

    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 325
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2008
    Posts: 325
    ok... I have to add the line i have heard at every one of those meeting they have to tell you whats "wrong" with your kid.... it's supposed to be about looking for ways to keep him engaged, but instead... anyway... here is the line.....

    are you ready....... brace yourself

    "Just let your kid be a kid"

    At his point I want to start answering creatively, "No, I was going to have him be an elephant, or maybe an ice cube tray...."

    I swear if one more person says that to me I will lose it! (Ok, really I won't....... but in my head I will.... in my head there will be screaming....lol I am sure many of you have been here)

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    LOL! I dare you to say you were going to let him be an ice cube tray! grin

    No, not really. Don't do that. But you can think it and let a Mona Lisa smile creep onto your face. <smirk>

    I think that saying something like "I *am* letting him be a kid, and this is the kind of kid he is. This isn't coming from me; it's coming from him. All kids are different, and I am letting him be himself" is the right idea.


    Kriston
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,299
    I
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    I
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,299
    Quote
    Really, I just need to stop caring about what anyone else might think. They don't know my kids the way I do. I know what I need to do, even so...it's difficult for me.

    The Jan 8 More Child Blog includes a list of possible problems faced by the gifted child. One of them is:
    Quote
    A high degree of Norm-referencing. That is the act of comparison of oneself to others.
    I hadn't seen that before but it made sense. Like middle school, parenting triggers a great deal of comparing ourselves to others. It seems to be compounded by giftedness, so don't be too hard on yourself. wink


    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    Originally Posted by inky
    The Jan 8 More Child Blog includes a list of possible problems faced by the gifted child. One of them is:
    Quote
    A high degree of Norm-referencing. That is the act of comparison of oneself to others.
    I hadn't seen that before but it made sense. Like middle school, parenting triggers a great deal of comparing ourselves to others. It seems to be compounded by giftedness, so don't be too hard on yourself. wink


    I am just seeing your response. That makes a lot of sense, although, it isn't necessarily an issue of "comparing" for me, but rather one of acceptance. For example, if I share anything that we do, (not randomly, just something that fits within the conversation) it's quite inevitable that someone will say to me, "You homeschool, there's no reason to push". What?! Why even say that to me? Especially given that they've have known me for months, albeit mostly at Park Dates when our children tend to spend time running amuk. It's just so frustrating! And happens no matter what I share!

    For example this last time, we were talking about teaching our children the importance of follow through. I said that Boo has great follow through and focus when it's 100% on her terms, but that things can't always be 100% that way. She needs to do things because they are important, follow her actions through to their end (nothing dangerous or detrimental, of course).

    Everyone gave an example of how this played out in their homes, recently, and I shared that Boo wanted to do "school". So I asked her to decided what she wanted, gathered the materials and helped her get started but that almost immediately she wanted to do something else and I just said "This is what you chose to do. This is your current task and you can do something else once it's complete. If you focus for a few short minutes, you'll be done very quickly" and whenever she got up to do something else, I'd direct her back to the table. The whole thing took less than 10 minutes with more than half that being my reminder to go finish what she started. Once she did it, she wanted to do more and I ended up having to stop her (needed the table back for dinner). She never would have done it or felt the sense of accomplishment if I hadn't *required* her to follow through on her choice. No the world wouldn't have ended, but it isn't as though I was having her do something that was beyond her abilities or interest. And yes, I do think it's fine for people, regardless of age, to change their minds. I do subscribe to the philosophy that as a parent it's important that I inspire my children and not require them to do things. They should be inspired to learn and they are! They love doing it, but sometimes I do think a bit of requirement in learning and life in general is important. I want to raise them to learn and do positive things because they have the drive to do those things internally, however what is wrong with saying and modeling and "requiring" that they finish what they start? I truly don't understand what I did that was so terrible. Please someone explain it to me. Use small words; I'm obviously not "getting" it.

    Or the other night when the topic of reasons some homeschoolers might send their children back to school, someone mentioned the GATE program and in the same breath condemned any parent who would consider placing a child in such a program as clearly pushy - why else would they choose to have their child(ren) in GATE, et. al. I made an attempt to explain that there is such a thing as intellectual giftedness and not only does it exist there is a wide range of giftedness. Some kids need more, they learn at a faster pace, make connections deeper and between subjects more quickly than a child that is not gifted might, and programs such as GATE might be just what the child needs - depending on the child's needs and how the program is setup. That was all poo-pooed.

    This then lead to my being on the receiving end of a patronizing look and the comment: "Kids even out by third grade. It's pretty much a given. Kids that don't even out, are...well, they are just the ones that tend to be weird throughout their lives." No amount of my saying, "All kids are different, even in the same family" makes a difference.

    This is often, not always, but usually followed by at least one person backing this general idea by saying that they're "right" re: child development, because X methodolgy fits their child to a "T". Waldorf is one such method that is brought: "Waldorf states children should not be exposed to print until around age 8, because they aren't ready (mentally) to learn to read until then. Any parent who has a child that reads earlier, especially a very young child is just pushing them. I know because Waldorf's guidelines are spot on with my child. A kid might *seem* like they know stuff earlier but really they don't and they'll all be on the same page when they are 8 anyway." And this is supposed to be proof of *what* exactly?????? That some kids fall under that particular spectrum? Sure, I agree. I disagree with the notion that it applies to all kids, in all cases.


    Don't get me started on the why would anyone want a 4 year old to read...or the why would a 4 year old *need* to read...or what would a 4 year old read, anyway? The first two implying that a 4 year old reads only because her parents pushed her into it and the latter implying that a 4 year old couldn't possibly comprehend what he read. These are from people who have seen *and* heard my 4 year old read (and my 3 year old do simple math: "Hey you have 8 gumdrops that's 3 more than me!"). Are they being purposely obtuse?

    The *kicker* is that I like my group. I really do! Everyone brings something different to the table and I like everyone, too. When the topic of giftedness comes up (and I *NEVER* even mention the word or bring up the topic myself), however, I end up feeling isolated and sometimes the urge to vomit is quite strong.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I didn't realize how much I needed that until I started typing.

    Mizzou

    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,085
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Oct 2008
    Posts: 1,085
    Oh mizzou,

    I know everyone is saying you have to become thick skinned but let's face it...it hurts. What if you marched in and started making comments about what is wrong with your children? Why aren't they able to do such and such? The roof would come crashing down. It is inappropriate such as the comments you are experiencing (Okay such as the comments we have ALL heard) but for some reason we as a society think we A. have the right to butt in and B. need to because clearly the mother of said child is doing something wrong if he/she is not like the rest of the children. Why can't people grasp that their are intelligent individuals in the world and they had to start some where! Do they think that all of a sudden these genious blossomed? Isn't fair to assume that they (the genius) was a child that showed signs? I am so tired of how people think it is okay to say the comments they do and recycle the generic krap that is ridiculous and hurtful. And when you get in those situations even if you try to set them straight with facts they will never believe it. They are set in their ways and you arguing the opposite is another ammo placed on the fire for pushing your child. It is a no win situtation.

    The funny thing is if you have read any of the homeschool posts than you are aware that I have been an anti-homeschooler forever but even in that realm I never ever thought that a parent was pushing their child. I just questioned how can you really be able to do justice for the topics you are weak in and of course the social aspect. But never fear I am coming around.

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Oh, so sorry, Mizzou! It sounds like you're in a group that really doesn't get GTness. Sadly, this can be pretty common in homeschooling groups. Some resist labels so strongly that they pooh-pooh GTness, LDs, and anything else that can really help us to figure out how to approach teaching our kids. I find this utter rejection of labels to be as senseless as those who must cling to a label regardless of all evidence to the contrary. Labels are tools. Nothing more, nothing less. They can be very helpful if used properly.

    I have to admit, I find Waldorf to be screwy. Anything that says "No child should be allowed to do X until they are X years old" doesn't respect the individual. Period. If you're dealing with someone who is quoting the Waldorf Method to you chapter and verse, then you probably ought to just drop it. You're not going to find common ground. IMHO...

    To be honest, I avoid talking GT stuff to my homeschooler friends unless I know they accept the premises of GTness. It's just easier. And people who accept both GTness and homeschooling are out there. You may just not have found them yet.

    You don't sound competitive or comparing. You just sound frustrated and wishing that someone around you accepted your reality. I wish they did, too. frown At least you have us!

    My best advice: stop talking about your kids. The other parents will either see that your kids are way ahead on their own, but are also happy, healthy, "normal" people who are not being pushed, or they won't. Either way, it's not your problem. Talk about the weather, curriculum, the news...anything but GTness and how far ahead your kids are.

    To cite another thread, it may be time to put on the intellectual overcoat and stop flashing these people! wink grin


    Kriston
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    Originally Posted by Kriston
    My best advice: stop talking about your kids. The other parents will either see that your kids are way ahead on their own, but are also happy, healthy, "normal" people who are not being pushed, or they won't. Either way, it's not your problem. Talk about the weather, curriculum, the news...anything but GTness and how far ahead your kids are.

    I know. Ugh, boy do I know! I don't just talk about them randomly or in a braggy sort of way or anything like that. I only mention things that I think are both relevent and will add something to the conversation. I *never* mention GTness, except in the situation I mentioned above where I gave some reasons as to why a homeschool parent would choose to place their child in a GATE program; no mention of my kids in any way, shape or form. Nor do I *ever, ever, ever* make any reference to how far ahead my kids are. I don't talk about what grade levels they are working on or even the subjects or anything like that. Even so, just mentioning something like what I posted above, which was in essence, simply having my daughter complete a task that *she* chose, was viewed as pushy on my part.

    What it really means is that my participation in conversations will be reduced to the role of an observer. I can't pull from my experience even if it's relevent to the topic at hand, talking about the weather only goes so far, discussions on curriculum are limited because even the questions I ask raise eyebrows and illicit comments and if I comment on the various curricula *that* usually brings about a whole 'nother set of questions/comments. And talking about the news in my group is, in general, a bad idea. It would however keep people busy so that they couldn't comment on my kids, but it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing.

    It's a hard line to toe and as I said if it weren't from some of the obtuse and asinine comments re: GTness (and not just about my kids, but GT in general), I'd be very happy with the group. This is the first group that I have found that I really like the majority of the group, but the GT issue causes an unspoken divide. I try to bridge the gap by leaving it out of things and by showing that I am accepting of them and their parenting at face value and that I believe they are doing what they feel is best for their child(ren) because they *know* their kid(s). I'd just like the same for me.

    I'd like people to accept that I know my kids and that I don't do things to push them and that the things I do *are* appropriate for who my children are as individuals. I don't need "approval" but the bashing that creeps in constantly is starting to wear me down.

    At this point, even though I know I am not pushing and I know that I know my kids, I still feel so "guilty" like I am doing something "wrong". I know I'm not, but it's there nagging at me. I want to grab it and stomp at it, but I can't because it's "conditioned".

    Bleh!

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Honestly, I think you might need a different group. I hate to say that, but there are lots of perfectly nice people out there who don't accept me for who I am. As long as they don't, I can't be myself with them, and the result is that they're never going to be real friends whom I can depend on.

    So you have a choice: 1) keep up this superficial relationship where you are, indeed, mostly a silent observer, biting her tongue and putting up with comments that frustrate and perhaps even offend you, 2) stand up to them and make an issue of the GT thing to let them know how you really feel, risking your position in the group with the conflict, or 3) find another group.

    Which you choose is pretty much solely dependent upon your personality and how likely you are to find a better match.

    I can tell you that I spent several years in a pre-K playgroup with women that sound a lot like the ones you describe. I kept my mouth shut and survived it, but I was really desperate to find a place where I fit in by the end of that time. It did not leave me feeling whole and complete. It left me feeling stifled and frustrated.

    Of course, you have this forum, and at the time I had nothing of the sort. Maybe you can pour all that out here and keep your polite smile in place there? Maybe? Or are you not that desperate? (I was pretty desperate for adult conversation of any sort at the time...)

    I dunno if I'm helping.

    Regardless, I've been where you are, and it's just no fun. frown I really do sympathize with you.


    Kriston
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    Originally Posted by Kriston
    Quote
    Honestly, I think you might need a different group. I hate to say that, but there are lots of perfectly nice people out there who don't accept me for who I am. As long as they don't, I can't be myself with them, and the result is that they're never going to be real friends whom I can depend on.

    I know and I agree. I shouldn't constantly feel like an "impostor"!

    Quote
    So you have a choice: 1) keep up this superficial relationship where you are, indeed, mostly a silent observer, biting her tongue and putting up with comments that frustrate and perhaps even offend you, 2) stand up to them and make an issue of the GT thing to let them know how you really feel, risking your position in the group with the conflict, or 3) find another group.

    You are 100% right. It's so hard, though. This stinks!

    Quote
    Which you choose is pretty much solely dependent upon your personality and how likely you are to find a better match.

    My kids finally have some friends. It's been months since I have heard, "The other kids just don't understand me" or any other of a dozen comments my daughter used constantly in the past to express her angst. Her friends all range from 3 to 6 years older than her and she get along pretty well with all of them and is accepted. The other day one of the other girls commented to her mother after hearing Boo's age, "Oh I thought she was 7 like me! She's really good at 'fairies'" and she grabbed my daughters hand and off they went.

    So I don't know if I'll be able to find better for my kids. It took a long time for me to find this group. I found it when it first started and helped to build it up from four families that barely saw each other to over 100 with a core of about 30 that are very active and rest pop in and out to events and discussions, etc. regularly. The fact of the matter is that I am very vested in the group and I have managed to make one good friend that I feel I can be open re: GTness, but I haven't gone there about my kids themselves, because, well, I'm nervous as heck about the possibility that she might think I'm a total jerk to even think my kids are gifted. Although, I suspect she won't I'm really to chicken to do anything more than have some short, discussions on general gifted topics, but never that I bring up. And she's constantly saying how her kid is "average" and I don't know how to respond to that, especially when she compares him to my DD. He's nearly 3 years older than my DD. She will say that Boo is "clearly above-average". She's matter-of-fact about it, so I don't feel like she means that in a bad way and she's okay with the Boo coming over and both kids doing the same workbook or whathaveyou. I'm still a chicken about it though. It's as if there is an imaginary line and I can go right up to it with my friend but crossing it is something entirely different.

    There's more to the story about my DD and the older girl she was playing "fairies" with. Later the mom "encouraged" her daughter to "play with so-and-so, she's your age. You'll have more in common". Her daughter protested that she didn't like the way the other girl played, but by the third "encouragement" each sterner than the last she gave up and when Boo approached the two other girls the one she hadn't been playing with said it wasn't a "baby game" so Boo couldn't play. Luckily she has other friends there and the girl she had been playing with came back and started playing with Boo shortly after that. This mom and daughter are *not* regular particpants in the homeschool events.

    Quote
    I can tell you that I spent several years in a pre-K playgroup with women that sound a lot like the ones you describe. I kept my mouth shut and survived it, but I was really desperate to find a place where I fit in by the end of that time. It did not leave me feeling whole and complete. It left me feeling stifled and frustrated.

    I've BTDT, with playgroups and another homeschool group too. This group is much better by far and, again, I am vested in it. So that makes it even harder to let go. I really *want* it to work! But at what cost?!

    Quote
    Of course, you have this forum, and at the time I had nothing of the sort. Maybe you can pour all that out here and keep your polite smile in place there? Maybe? Or are you not that desperate? (I was pretty desperate for adult conversation of any sort at the time...)

    I dunno if I'm helping.

    Regardless, I've been where you are, and it's just no fun. frown I really do sympathize with you.

    I am incredibly grateful for this forum! I do need that adult conversation. It's really wonderful to be able to connect with other homeschool moms. I don't know how much longer I can keep the smile plastered while someone knocks GTness or makes a comment like, "You know that kids don't understand abstract thinking until they are 9, so they can't really do math in their heads until at least that age. They can act like they know it, but they really don't" after observing Boo run up to me and say, "Mom, I want to buy 4 popscicle from the ice cream man and they cost $1.25 each and I only have $4.53. I need 47 cents. If you give me two quarters, I'll bring back the change." The GT thing is the only real hurdle I have, but it, unfortunately is a big one.

    You are helping! Thank you!

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Well, if the kids are happy and you're invested, then I say bite your tongue there and let it all out here. Maybe you can find a way to be subversive and convert them all slowly! wink

    I'm really disappointed in the ageism of that homeschool group though. I have to say that's been one of the nice things about homeschool groups around my neck of the woods: parents simply don't care about the ages of the kids, and if 6yos and 12yos are happily playing together, well, that's just more time for us adults to be left alone. GT might be a taboo word--though I haven't heard it actively bashed--but they totally accept the idea that every kid is at a different place in every subject, and that's perfectly okay. It's very accepting in that way. As far as I'm concerned, that recognition of levels of learning and levels of social readiness--GT or no--is what really matters.

    The strict lines your group seems to be drawing strike me as unusual for a homeschooling group. Is that the norm there? Or is this group just unusual that way?


    Kriston
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    RE: Strict lines.

    I have no idea if they are typical of groups in my area. I was in another state before this one and the other groups I joined when I moved to my current state were groups in name only. There was zero activity on the messageboards and in real life. So this is my first group where I actually have met people. Perhaps it's the homeschooling style for the majority of the regular and very active members? They follow their curriculum very closely and adhere to the age guidelines in whatever method they are choosing fairly strictly. I figured it was because it works well for their families, but never thought that they'd make it a point to extrapolate it onto *my* family! Especially since this group (as it was intended by the person who started it) is supposed to be about supporting eachother during our homeschool journey and being tolerant.

    All that to say, I don't really know. It boggles me.

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Me, too. My best advice: keep your eyes peeled for other groups while you hang out with this one. You may very well find something better out there. I know I live in an area with a highly active HSing community, but I find it hard to believe that this is the best there is for you.

    At least I hope there's better!

    Worst case: maybe you can suss out some like-minded people and start your own group.

    Any GT support groups in your area? Even if they're not for homeschoolers, you might have some luck finding like-minded people there.

    I'll keep thinking. I really do feel for you and wish I could do more to help you! It's so hard to feel so isolated! frown


    Kriston
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    There's a gifted homeschoolers group. I am part of their messageboard, but haven't drummed up the courage to really participate. I know it's GT denial combined with years of suffering from "Impostor Syndrome". (Heck I still feel like an impostor!) The constant fear of what if we don't really fit there, either. I know, I know, I won't know unless I actually do it. Still if we get rejected there then what does that leave?

    I am typically not so woe-is-me. I feel like I will soon be approaching a crossroad and need to start mapping out the next leg of my journey. I need to work on my own internal change management.

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    <reassuring smile>

    I hear you. smile

    Give the GT group a try though. I suspect you might very well feel like you found a home. At worst, it's no better than where you are, and you're really out nothing except maybe hope for better. But empty hope that you never explore doesn't really give you anything, right? Try it.

    Or maybe some combo of the two groups will give you what you need. Chameleon syndrome can serve you well even into adulthood if you know how to use it to get your needs met.

    And FWIW, you don't sound woe-is-me to me. You sound like you need some support, somewhere to belong. That's normal. BTDT! You're okay. laugh Just try the other group and see how it goes. I'm hoping for good things there!

    I'll expect a full report, you know. grin wink


    Kriston
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    M
    Member
    OP Offline
    Member
    M
    Joined: Nov 2008
    Posts: 103
    Thanks!

    Yes, I know empty hope is no hope at all! I can't promise I will have the courage to try the other group any time soon, but when I do (because I am certain that I will eventually have to and that "eventually" may be a lot closer than I want to admit) I'll have that report ready!

    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    Member
    Offline
    Member
    Joined: Sep 2007
    Posts: 6,145
    grin


    Kriston
    Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

    Moderated by  M-Moderator, Mark D. 

    Link Copied to Clipboard
    Recent Posts
    Testing with accommodations
    by aeh - 03/27/24 01:58 PM
    Quotations that resonate with gifted people
    by indigo - 03/27/24 12:38 PM
    New, and you'd think I'd have a clue...
    by astronomama - 03/24/24 06:01 AM
    For those interested in astronomy, eclipses...
    by indigo - 03/23/24 06:11 PM
    Son 2e, wide discrepancy between CogAT-Terranova
    by astronomama - 03/23/24 07:21 AM
    Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5