Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "Crash and Burn"

Does anyone want to tell their "Crash and Burn" stories? What can happen to gifted, highly gifted and profoundly gifted kids who's are unidentified and unaccomidated in the classroom? What helped?

My hat is off to you who are aware and alert from earlier ages that your children have special educational needs. I - OTOH - was in severe "gifted denial" that took months and months of "you-know-what" hitting the fan before I understood that being gifted isn't somekind of taint of the blood that one tries to hide so they can have some level of postive social interactions, and hopes to avoid passing down to their children. I really bought the whole pack of lies about my own educational needs - that I was lucky, that I could take care of myself, that if I waited long enough that I would eventually be challenged, in college or beyond, and that that was "to be expected."

I also think that because of this "gifted denial" some parents are reluctant to channel a child's obvious interest in academics into afterschool work. I was so afraid that I would "make matters worse" that I consiously avoided any afterschooling, and encouraged his interests in as broad a variety of learning as possible, so he knew all the lyrics of the Simon and Garfunkle Box Set, and about plants and art and politics. I didn't want to "cause" him to be bored in school. I didn't want him to be disliked for already knowing everything. HA. It's not my fault that he was bored! It wasn't his fault that he was bored! He was different. He needed different things than what he was getting. I wanted him to be able to fit in as well as possible. I figured that learning was going to be 'no problem' so why worry about it? I had no idea that being gifted means that you NEED to learn, like air and water. The "I'm not hothouse parent" approach later backfired when the teachers didn't see "that he was so different, after all, he can't do his times tables better than our best students." Also, this tradition of not asking more from him than the school asked contributed to him being firmly in the "enforced underachiever" camp. He didn't want to learn extra at home, and I hadn't thought to establish the habit from the begining.

So we got "behavior complaints" in first grade, that improved with a "checklist" and reward system. Then came 2nd grade - "crash and burn" time....to be continued....
Trinity.

Here's how I told the story of the Crash and Burn in March of 06, about a year and a half ago. I wonder what I will think of it now?

Hi Jaxsmom,
I found myself retyping "the story" and since I had it dreged up I though of your question, and will repost it here. It's so easy for me to "forget" how painful that time was - which is good. But it was so bad. In retrospect i think my son was inattentive in school because he was depressed and anxious, perhaps clinically. I don't think that's true now - Thanks Be. Here it is:

When my son was in 2nd grade, the school asked our permission to complete a "behavior scale" and gave us one to complete at home. Then we had a meeting. We were told that our scale revealed that our dear son was at risk for 9 or 10 catagories like: agression, anxiety, atipicalily, depression and that his in school scale showed him as "significant" even worse in those catagories. Then we were told that even though our son's teacher had 20 years experience and was particularly strong in handling kids with ADHD, that our son's behavior in class was "like nothing she has ever seen before." Our state has a law that school personel are not allowed to give a diagnosis. I thought this was very innapropriate. So we went to a local child psychologist who noted that our son tested "very superior" on the WISC III in many of the substest but average or below average on a few. Although we liked this gentleman, I feel he was unqualified to interpret a WISC III that was so high. His take on our son was that our son might certianly be a little bored at school, but that the behavior problems where due to the splay in his scores, and could be thought of as a "relative" Non Verbal Learning Disorder. When we shared back our "diagnosis" there was another meeting where they showed us checklists about NVLD and ADHD and have multiple school specialists explain to us why ADHD was a better fit than NVLD. If I had know then what I know now i would have realized that unaccomidated giftedness is associated with many of the things they were concerned about. My belief is that a child like this can not be evaluated for NVLD or ADHD unless they are in an academic setting which is appropriate for them. I wish I was in a position to homeschool or try private schools but I am not, and my son reports that he likes his school and his friends. It's two years later, and a wonderful 3rd grade teacher, and a 4th grade teacher who tries her best to accomidate him in the classroom have improved the situation quite a bit. BTW, when we asked the school for single subject acceleration, our son was evaluated by their specialists and found to "not be a very deep thinker in math." and turned down. (He got the highest possible score in reasoning on the WISC IV that they regave him this January.)His behavior at school is "so-so." Thankfully He was accepted into the Davidson Young Scholar Program and I have had so much support and information! It's my glimmer of hope. I am still trying to work within the Public School system.

DS's crash and burn, part 3...
He-He!
I left out the "no one wants to sit next to him because he makes so much disturbance." which we got in 2nd and 4th, but when I asked the 3rd grade teacher about it - she had no clue what we were talking about. Having a teacher, like the 3rd grade lady, who is top tenth of a percent in teaching is very useful!

He had no friends in 2nd and was in the middle of a great friendly group in 3rd. go figure!

I finally got up the courage to look at Private schools the summer after 4th, and started him in a local day-prep type Last September. I realized that there was this pit in my stomach that would not allow me to send DS back to that public school, even though things had improved somewhat with "in-class" enrichment. So off to the private school in September, and a mid-year skip into their Middle School in October. ((Don't do this unless you have to - the IAS is right when they say bridge years are important - particularly to an underachieving and disorganized boy, who is "highly asynchrouous." Does he have ADHD? I don't know! A little more than a year ago, I brought him to a local pyschologist, who I heard was "great for advocating in the school system." This fellow diagnosed DS as "50% ADHD." He thought that if we gave him stimulent medication there was a good chance that he could sit in the regular classroom and behave well enough. Well golly, he could behave "well enough" without the medication. I just don't see how a psychologist can look at his IQ scores and think that he'll be "just fine" in a regular classroom. My concern was that he wasn't learning how to learn. He wasn't building Character that it takes to be a successful grown-up. His friends were learning what it's like to sit and do homework, how to study for tests. My boy was doing his homework in 90 seconds and whining and worried when the homework load was suddenly a 3 minutes! 2 worksheets! That's why I love the writing of Sylvia Rimm - a child who is underchallenged can look just like a kid who is overchallenged - worried and stressed. Kids need character. Does he "really" have ADHD? If the local psychologist doesn't know, than how am I supposed to know?

Luckily the school really really sees his ability to fly, and gets that he is a slow runner, but is determined to give flying lessons and keep prodding him to become the best runner he can be. ((tears)) Ok, I'm crying tears left over from the bad old days, when my son was a big mystery that no one could understand - finally he is at a school that finds him an interesting challenge, but clearly sees who he is.

Love and More Love,
Trinity

Thanks Dottie - more ((tears)) - he really really is a great guy, you didn't just see him once in a crowd - you saw the whole show!
Thanks.
Trin

LoL Dottie, maybe I should plan on having two more, even beyonder than DS11, now that I have the hang of it! Well, maybe not right now. I'm really enjoying the decreased demands of this particular stage of my parenting.
smiles,
Trinity

We haven�t had a crash and burn incident. However, DS has had two teachers who were (still are, I assume) exceptionally mean and lacking in professional integrity. They tried hard to knock him down while he was stuck in their classrooms. If it weren�t for my distant but constant oversight and continuous �counseling sessions� to counteract the damage, I think he would have lost all interest in school during his 3rd grade year. His 5th grade teacher was equally bad, but he had a stronger sense of self by that point. Even without me, I don�t think she would have been able to do permanent damage.

Any examples to illustrate?

Hmm.

I believe some teachers at his school read this blog. I introduced them to the DITD website in hopes that they would be proactive. I don�t try to conceal my identity and I don�t write anything that is false and that I wouldn�t or haven�t told the principle. So, O.K.

There was one major incident in 3rd grade and one in 5th grade. In addition, there was daily criticism and nit picking.

One small incident at the beginning or 3rd, which set the tone for the year, occurred when the teacher wrote out a number line 0-10 and explained that 0 was the lowest one digit number and 10 was the lowest two digit number. My son raised his hand and asked, �Isn�t -9 the lowest one digit and -99 the lowest two digit?� (He had understood this for several years at that point) She stated, �No� and started the next day with the �Well, if you really were smart, then you ____.� This continued all year and escalated at certain points.

The big issue in 3rd grade (when he was 7 to 8 years old) occurred during the last quarter of the year in regards to the NON-GRADED Accelerated Reader Program. Each child had to earn a minimum number of points (I believe 5 or 7 was required) each period. If they chose, they could increase their stated GOAL at the beginning of each quarter. My son had read the first four Harry Potter books earlier that year (in addition to countless others) which were worth quite a few AR points each. He earned 39 AR points for the third quarter, so he set his goal at 40 AR points for the forth quarter. He took approximately 5 weeks to read H.P. the 5th. When he took the AR test, he only got 55% correct which did not pass and resulted in zero points. (I later learned that the previous four tests were at the 6th -8th grade level, but this test had been ordered at the 11th grade level and many other kids had also unexpectedly failed it.) Well, that is where she swept in. At the mid-quarter point, she announced (a new rule) that anyone who had not earned half of their AR points would not be included in the class party. So, even though my son had more AR points than many kids (from other books he had completed), he had to go to another teacher�s classroom while his class had a party. She made a point to announce to the class on several other occasions that DS would not meet his goal (the most ambitious in the class) and two days before the end of the school year, she announced that if a student had not met their goal, they would not receive their final report card or be included in the �field day� activities. She was just trying to get as much traction from this as she could at that point. Please remember that this is a non-graded requirement and he had easily surpassed the �requirement�, but missed the GOAL (that he set for himself) because the librarian had ordered the more difficult, higher grade level test as compared to the previous four which he had aced.


I�ll have to come back with the 5th grade issue.

I just missed your last post Dottie. That is so funny. The first time my kids were tested, the psych told me that DD was the REALLY gifted one also!

Only if you count my husband!