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    #249346 - 11/13/21 08:39 AM Feeling lost on parenting gifted children
    Eskes Offline
    Member

    Registered: 05/05/17
    Posts: 57
    Hello- Any advice or suggestions for parents who are not gifted on parenting gifted children or is it even possible? I have three gifted children (DS15, DS13 and DS10) especially in mathematics. They have all now been accelerated two years in math. My HS and I are not gifted at all and actually struggled more in school. My HS has trouble with reading and probably has a learning disability but refused to get tested when the school suggested it. I recently found out I have ADHD and struggled in school until college. In college I had really good grades probably because I was more mature, tried really hard and interested in the topics. Can you have gifted children when you are not smart or gifted yourself? I have always doubted my children being gifted because of this and have been very hesitant to advocate for them. We do not support them much in school and they are very independent regarding their studies. I have constant guilt and worry that we could be harming them and/or preventing them from meeting their full potential in life. Thanks for any feedback.

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    #249347 - 11/13/21 09:30 AM Re: Feeling lost on parenting gifted children [Re: Eskes]
    spaghetti Offline
    Member

    Registered: 05/05/15
    Posts: 464
    Mine are in college now, but it was a long road of feeling inadequate. Kids running circles around me with manipulation and always wondering if I was a good enough parent for them.

    At the age of 4, I said to myself, no, this kid was probably not switched at birth because the real parents would probably have stepped up by now with my real kid.

    At the age of 5, the school insisted my DYS skip K. What? How on earth will this kid be normal if they don't stay with peers?

    At the age of 9, we pulled out to homeschool a year and really got to know each other, and you know what? DYS kid is just like every other kid--- needs parental guidance, needs to learn about themselves and be true to who they are, needs parent to support them as they run into some unusual problems.

    At one point my child looked at me and said "mom why is OTG (other gifted kid) doing college math and I'm only in algebra. Why didn't you give me more math". Fortunately, I had an answer because I had included this child in all the decisions. I said "remember you wanted to learn with other children and if we had given you higher math, that wouldn't have happened. Would you be happier knowing calculus right now?"

    Basically, just know that parenting is not about optimizing your child's achievement. It's about helping them grow into themselves with their unique personalities and needs. You and your husband had a lot of needs growing up and they may not have been met. You are in a unique position to recognize mismatches and the impact they can have on your children. Which puts you right where you need to be in parenting. Gifted is just one characteristic.

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    #249348 - 11/13/21 11:23 AM Re: Feeling lost on parenting gifted children [Re: Eskes]
    aeh Offline
    Member

    Registered: 04/26/14
    Posts: 3916
    As spaghetti has observed, every parent has children who are gifted (and challenged) in ways we ourselves were (are) not. It may be academic, or it may be social, or emotional, or physical, or economic, or...

    But the principal difference between parents and children is that parents have learned (and, one hopes, are still learning!) from life--how to be a human, and thus have much more to teach children than academics.

    (And, fwiw, don't be too quick to assume that you and your DH are not intellectually gifted--you've described other exceptionalities that very well could have masked your gifts in childhood. For example, you may have done better in college than in high school not only for the reasons you observed, but also because many persons identified as ADHD have a delayed brain maturation pattern in the frontal lobes that results in their organizational and executive functions looking much like someone about two to three years younger, with the process reaching a mature adult state in the late 20s or early 30s instead of the mid 20s.)
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