I don't remember any good things that lasted in my life. Everything went down to hell by the time I dropped out of university. I've been recommended to go to therapy, but I highly doubted and still doubt that I would receive any help due to the lack of respect towards me over my life. The therapists would not take me seriously at all. That's how I see people. No one takes me seriously, and it shows in how they behave towards me.

I keep feeling inferior to the people who got into the Ivy League schools and MIT. Most of those kids went to very good schools that hosted the AMC tests for math, and I feel that I could have benefited immensely from those tests had my schools hosted those. They also have very stimulating households with parents who participated in the math Olympiad and have PhDs. I keep comparing myself to those kids, and the sad part is that I'm flipping 3-9 years older than they are. They do much better at solving math problems than I am. I don't understand why I wasn't excited about math contests back then in middle school. I never heard of AoPS in elementary school, but I could have searched it up or something but I didn't care because I was obsessed with video games at the time.

My mother gave me math books, but I don't think I finished them so she probably didn't bother. I feel so worthless, and I can't bother to do any of my school work now due to this feeling of worthlessness. The teachers I had were very disappointed in me as if they expected me to be one of the star students that they had in the past. I planned to take the Putnam exam in university and get a high score on that, but the low grades that I got in my first year of university almost obliterated those hopes and my self-confidence. I since stopped prepping for the Putnam in November of 2018. Now I'm a bit better with the math contests, but I don't know what could have happened had I continued with the Putnam prep. I keep thinking that I would have struggled with the contest math preparation still had I not gotten those terrible grades.