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    apm221 #186657 04/01/14 05:25 PM
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    I don't know that I consider this a bullying issue, but perhaps an example of "food insecurity".

    Has this child had anyone check into his home situation? He may not readily have access to regular on-time food and so when presented with an "opportunity", he acts as he sees appropriate.

    My husband had limited food as a child. As a result, he became somewhat of a "hoarder" of whatever excess was available. To this day, he will sit at a table and "protectively" cover his plate with his hand as he's eating. He's nearly 50.

    PLEASE check that this so-called bully is receiving proper nutrition.

    apm221 #186662 04/01/14 06:41 PM
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    Actually, the main bully is one who threatens to push my son off of the swings. The story has actually become more complex with additional bullying incidents that we hadn't known about before. We originally only knew that my son's food was being taken. It turns out that there were issues with multiple kids in different circumstances. The food issue hasn't happened again since the child involved was told to stop (I went to lunch and talked with the child myself and he seems to genuinely feel sorry because apparently he thought my son didn't mind). It doesn't seem like there is more to the food issue, although I can see why that would be a possibility.

    I do have the principal's e-mail and I sent a message as soon I picked up my son, before even leaving the school. I think I will start documenting like Indigo suggested. The problem is that I'm not sure what I could ask them to do besides what they are already doing.

    apm221 #186668 04/01/14 07:39 PM
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    Originally Posted by apm221
    The problem is that I'm not sure what I could ask them to do besides what they are already doing.

    I think the magic words here are "deal with the culture of bullying that seems to be developing at this school." You can absolutely ask them to look into anti bullying programs and techniques that they could implement school-wide. This takes the pressure off your son as the center of attention and solves what seems to be a wider problem.

    I was badly bullied as a child and intervention by authority figures tended only to make things worse. Because they brought me unwanted attention as a victim and made me more of a target.

    Also, I recommend signing your son up for martial arts. I know I've posted about this here before, but again, it's been great for our DD in terms of confidence and bully-proofing (not perfect, but very helpful). Here's my previous post: http://giftedissues.davidsongifted....Re_Intensely_Independent.html#Post185008

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    Sorry that some may find the presentation irksome. My aim was to demonstrate in my post the type of brevity which is factual and thorough, and may serve the family well in documenting and communicating what occurred.

    The principal will want to trust the description he receives, and be confident in the facts in order to proceed. Not articulating the problem well may result in:
    - less focus on eliminating the bully's aggressive, inappropriate behavior.
    - increased focus on the victim's ability to communicate confidently, stand up for himself, etc.

    Keeping the focus on the problem to be solved (in this case, the bully's actions) can be tough, but a clear description can help.

    By contrast, using emotional language, hyperbole, etc, may be understood as "drama" or blowing things out of proportion and therefore reflect poorly on the victim, possibly changing the focus away from the bullying behaviors.

    apm221 #186677 04/01/14 10:23 PM
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    I agree with the suggestion about martial arts. My daughter is in taekwondo and it has been wonderful. They have a specific curriculum that addresses bullying issues. I have been trying to convince my son to try it and maybe this will help encourage him to try.

    I think the careful description of what happened is a good idea to make sure that everything is documented and communicated. I'm really becoming discouraged about being able to resolve this, though. My son is really upset. He needs to get better at standing up for himself and asking for help, but I think this is only making it harder for him to do that because he is so discouraged as well.

    I'm thinking about just pulling him out for either homeschool (with taekwondo or some other activity to help work on his social skills and confidence) or to move him to the charter school his sister attends. It just seems a shame as he enjoyed school so much until recently.

    apm221 #186682 04/02/14 12:16 AM
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    Originally Posted by apm221
    My son is really upset. He needs to get better at standing up for himself and asking for help, but I think this is only making it harder for him to do that because he is so discouraged as well.
    Keep the onus on the school to resolve this. Do not focus on your son feeling's such as upset or discouraged. Doing so will invite the school to address that as the problem. Focus on the inappropriate behaviors of the bully, and then say no more. Did you write the complete description of the incident, as it occurred, in chronological order? How many numbered points are in the list you created?

    When speaking with the school do not make excuses for the bully. Keep your son's feelings out of it. Keep your feelings to yourself. The less said the better.

    Separately, at home, address your son's weaknesses. IMO, if there is taekwondo offered in your area and they have a specific curriculum that deals with bullying issues and you already have one kiddo there, it is well past time to speak to them about your son and sign him up. Tell him this will help him learn the skills he needs. Waffling or indecisiveness on your part may role model waffling/indecisiveness to your son, making him seem weak, and causing him to be a bully magnet. This is your private family matter, it does not need to be reported to the school. In other words, your family addressing your son's needs through taekwondo DOES NOT resolve the bully problem or let the school off the hook.

    indigo #186955 04/03/14 09:43 AM
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    Originally Posted by indigo
    In other words, your family addressing your son's needs through taekwondo DOES NOT resolve the bully problem or let the school off the hook.

    This. In fact, if I didn't make this clear, I should have.

    Martial arts can benefit your son. However this does nothing to resolve an issue with bullying at your school. School needs to be a safe place for all students, not just those who can stand up for themselves. Being tough should not be a prerequisite for getting a good education.

    apm221 #248612 04/12/21 05:50 PM
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    Has anyone's school implemented a "buddy bench" as one approach to ending bullying?
    Originally Posted by buddy bench (The Bench Factory)
    MAKE BUDDIES NOT BULLIES
    Every seven minutes a child is bullied, according to an estimate by the U.S. Department of Justice. Promote inclusion – don't let your school's playground be a statistic. Give students a safe space to eliminate loneliness and foster friendships.
    Any thoughts on the effectiveness of a school having a buddy bench, to foster inclusion and encourage new friendships... and ultimately reduce bullying that may aimed at children who may appear isolated?

    apm221 #248673 04/19/21 11:59 AM
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    Although the theory of these Buddy Benches sounds lovely a similar scheme that operated at my DD�s first school didn�t work well. She found that she would be left waiting, and children who joined her there would be preferentially selected by classmates and taken off to join their games. This made her exclusion all the more obvious and painful.

    We found her school had a very naive approach to bullying and were simply incompetent in their handling of subtler forms of it. 2e kids were especially not well supported.

    So it may be that a Buddy Bench might work well if properly supervised but there is a real risk that sitting at the bench is seen as an admission of weakness.

    (I will add that DD is in high school now and has a good group of friends.)

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