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    #246631 - 01/18/20 08:36 PM Why I never bring up my own experince
    Edward Offline

    Registered: 02/19/14
    Posts: 52
    Somehow, whenever I causally bring up my own experience- I find myself regretting it. I vowed I would never stay silent after what I was put through, but somehow in any attempt to fulfill that promise in finding resolve, understanding or my primary intent to bring about awareness I find myself being met with contempt poking a beehive.

    What I can't understand is why some individuals become so hostile at the notion that someone just might have been failed by the US education system. Or that US education lags behind in general.

    Personally, I have way more to be angry about. I could say things toward those inviduals that would get me permanently banned with a potential visit from law enforcement. Yet I maintain civil composure for what is an incredibly painful topic (for me) far beyond anything they've been through, only to find what ought to be a simple "lets agree to disagree" from the next guy turns into being met with various forms of contempt.

    What trigger me so much being he (and others past) know EXACTLY what not to say. Its as though they can identify the exact issues at hand or the point I'm trying make, and then do a 180 denial like a troll would.

    Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. I'm open to any reply forth.

    Edited by Edward (01/18/20 09:31 PM)

    #246634 - 01/19/20 07:32 AM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    indigo Offline

    Registered: 04/27/13
    Posts: 4958
    I'm sorry this happened to you.

    It sounds like the person may have been speaking from a blame-the-victim viewpoint, possibly even discrediting you with ad hominem attacks rather than admitting that the system is flawed and could be improved. Long ago I read somewhere that a blame-the-victim viewpoint may come from a sense of wanting to believe that one's self was safe from whatever difficulty was being discussed; by ignoring the similarities between one's self and those who had suffered the malady or injustice... and focusing on any differences between one's self and the victim(s)... people may begin to rationalize that due to their differences, they are somehow safe from encountering the same or similar negative experience.

    The late Dr. James T. Webb, Ph.D. (founder of SENG and Great Potential Press, author, and speaker) once gave a bit of advice to parents, what NOT to do, and what TO do... along these lines... paraphrased...

    Do not state that something is your own personal experience, or a specific child's experience... this puts you and/or the child on the line, makes you and/or them vulnerable, and may be invasive of your/their privacy. It can make you and your loved ones targets. It can come back to haunt you.

    To help others, share in a manner which is supportive, validates them, lets them know they are not alone in their observation and experience, do say something prefaced with phrases such as:
    - I'm familiar with...
    - I've known someone who...
    - I've known others who...
    - I've known several people who...
    - In my observation and experience...
    - I've heard...

    To share tips and/or advice, you might try phrasing along the lines of:
    - I've heard of success by approaching similar circumstances
    in this way...
    - Have you thought of...?
    - Have you looked into...?
    - Have you tried...?
    - This may be of interest...
    - I've read about this online...
    possibly mention some search terms leading to trusted sites such as Davidson Institute for Talent Development, Hoagies Gifted Education Page, NAGC, etc

    These are not exhaustive lists, but illustrate the principle that there are a variety of ways of wording things which can share a relevant experience while making statements less personal... and thereby keep yourself and loved ones out of the line of potential fire; if so inclined, people can pushback against ideas, rather than specific persons.

    Hope this helps, going forward!

    #246641 - 01/19/20 05:37 PM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    aeh Offline

    Registered: 04/26/14
    Posts: 3990
    I'm so sorry you've had to hear from people denying your personal experiences. Perceptions may differ about many things, but only you can speak for your own pain.

    I would encourage you, though, to disengage from back-and-forths with those who demonstrate clearly that their interest is not in understanding either your personal experience or perspectives different from their own. As you so accurately note, the objective, conscious or not, quite often is to get an emotional reaction from you--which feeds an emotional need of their own--rather than a thoughtful discussion about significant ideas and societal situations.

    You cannot choose how they respond to their own emotional and mental health needs, but you can choose to make healthy choices for yourself.

    All the best.
    ...pronounced like the long vowel and first letter of the alphabet...

    #246644 - 01/19/20 09:07 PM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    Edward Offline

    Registered: 02/19/14
    Posts: 52
    Thanks to both of you Indigo and Aeh for the kind replies- as well as the advice given. Your apologies which mean A LOT to me being honest. With that said don't be sorry- if you were in charge of education the outcome would have been a good one for all parties involved.

    Aeh, Indeed. It is best to disengage. I mean I can't change their views and any attempt to do so leaves me more drained than fulfilled. Only thing keeping me going is the idea that a passerby might see my rebuttals- or that I'm on the right side of history in the internet of archives (I stood up for what was right)- but in the end my mental well being takes precedence. Thank you for the list btw.

    Indigo I do agree- I think it is indeed a defense mechanism. I'd venture to say deep down they see it, but will invest significant energy into putting up blinders or convincing themselves otherwise. Fortunately IMHO I'd label it as simple repression rather than dissociation. The latter would indicate an even greater magnitude of societal failures.

    Normally I do not advocate for like buttons on forums however if one was to be present I'd give both of you a thumbs up. smile

    Edited by Edward (01/19/20 09:13 PM)

    #246658 - 01/20/20 07:53 PM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    sunnyday Offline

    Registered: 11/08/14
    Posts: 86
    I found this quote from John Holt when I was a mom of a toddler and pregnant with my second. It still sticks with me.

    "If we think of the majority of our society (or world) moving in direction X, and our small minority as moving in direction Y, what I want to do is to find ways to help those who want to move in direction Y to move that way. There's no point in shouting endlessly at the great X-bound majority, "Hey, you guys, stop, turn around, you're going the wrong way!" People don't change their ideas, much less their lives, because someone comes along with a clever argument to show that they're wrong. As a way of making real and deep changes in society, this shouting and arguing is mostly a waste of time."

    It's okay to be dissatisfied by your own experience and want to prevent others from having the same issues. It's good to use your experience for positive impact! But instead of yelling at the masses, look for the folks who are already thinking of moving in direction Y. You'll make such a difference for them. <3

    #246660 - 01/21/20 09:58 AM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    Edward Offline

    Registered: 02/19/14
    Posts: 52
    I agree. Though finding direction Y feels rather difficult. At times I feel like I'm the only one that went through this. Then again, I know I'm not.

    Those who can listen, will listen.

    Its a good quote- thanks! smile Sending love in your direction- catch! <3

    #246661 - 01/21/20 11:17 AM Re: Why I never bring up my own experince [Re: Edward]
    Wren Offline

    Registered: 01/14/08
    Posts: 1685
    Like what you wrote sunnyday.


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