Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Do you ever wonder if it will get better?

Hi friends,

As life got busier, I posted here less and less often. It's been a while - glad to see the blinking envelope is still meaninglessly blinking!

DS turned 11 yesterday. As I lay in bed last night, I thought back to a post on this board by another mom. It gave me hope and courage and comfort. It was when DS was 6 and things were so very hard - his intensity, his sensitivity, his anxiety, his strong, strong emotions and impossibly short fuse. His desperation at wondering why he was always in trouble - how baffled he was that he couldn't do better.

How lonely and afraid I felt.

I still have that post in my bedside drawer. It's been a while since I read it, which must mean things are getting easier. And they are. So I wanted to write a post that maybe one of you will find comforting.

Raising kids is hard. Raising gifted kids is really hard. Raising a highly gifted kid is just very nearly impossible to explain. The point is the asynchrony, which nearly nobody will see or understand. They'll just see you as bragging about the good stuff (which you will quickly learn not to mention) and making excuses for the bad stuff. And as the kid's mind gallops further and further ahead and the self-management skills ... don't ... you begin to worry for the future and worry that you are doing everything wrong.

But you're not. You are very likely doing the best anybody could do for your child - and you will keep doing it. Then sometime around 9 or 10 years old (or maybe 7 or 11 or whatever for you - but as they grow), a miracle will gradually, gradually happen. That's when DS began to have the fuse he needed between a feeling and an action. A cause and a response. Once he had that fuse, he started to be able to manage things. A little better and a little better and a little better.

And he began to like himself more. And his friendships grew deeper. And his learning blossomed to a different sort of multi-dimensional thing. And he became less anxious, less quick to confront, just happier. And so did his Dad and I.

And I'm not so lonely and afraid.

We are far from done. We still have those days, and we still work hard at things that are so much easier for other families. But good heavens - he'll be driving in a few years, and then going away to college (sob) and I can honestly look forward to that without instantly imagining catastrophe!!

So if you are in those super hard early days with a HG/EG/PG kiddo - don't despair. Don't give up! You are doing a good job and the payoff is coming. Even the fact that you are here, looking for support and ideas - your kid is so lucky to have you. Give yourself a pat on the back, a little compassion and a great big overflowing cup of hope.

Take good care,
Sue

Wow, what an awesome and thoughtful post! Thank you, Sue.

So happy to hear things are in a good place for your family now. It’s wonderful to hear your words of encouragement, something we all need to hear at some point. I want to second your observation, that things got better here, too. The last couple years of high school were tough (think previously compliant, studious and hardworking girl turned cynical, rebellious teen having -yikes- shouting matches in class with more than one teacher, the counselor, etc).... But she is absolutely thriving in college, thank goodness. The relief is palpable around here, and the calm in the household is almost unrecognizable.

Sue, I've missed you! So many times I have benefited from your thoughtful and compassionate suggestions. It's lovely to get update, especially such a happy one.

Can he really be 11 already? In my head he's still six... So glad to hear he is doing so well. He always sounded like such a special and amazing kid. I can't imagine anything more important or wonderful than that he is growing to be able to realize and enjoy that, like himself, and be the person he wants to be. Such a great job you've done!

Love that post! Echoes what I was thinking just the other day. My adorable challenging toddler with obsessions and sensory issues turned into a stressed little boy who was very unhappy at school, drawing pictures of schools blowing up. We moved him to a small private school soon after, where he found friends and was accelerated, and things got so much better. Still, we had issues from time to time, it wasn't always easy, and I lurked here a lot. (Thanks!)

Now he's thriving in a public high school, coasting in his classes and happily devoting hours and hours to successful science fair projects, while also finding time to play piano, run, spend time with local friends, and keep in touch with science fair friends all over the country and the world. He's still a little OCD about hand-washing, and sometimes he's an ornery, opinionated teenager, but he's generally lovely. He has goals and friends and he's happy, and I couldn't ask for more.

I would have been so relieved if I'd been able to see this future when he was 5!

Best wishes to all with little ones in similar situations. I can't promise, of course, but in our case, it got much better.

Let me echo my thanks Sue for posting your awesome update and starting this thread. It would have been so helpful for my mental health back when DD was 6 to have a glimmer of what the future would look like.

After all the years of struggle - evaulations, diagnoses, services, fighting to get her what she needs, etc - DD is really, truly thriving. My go to phrase these days when people ask how she is doing or how school is going is to say "I have to admit that I am embarrassed to say how well she is doing." I don't want to jinx it and I certainly don't want to make someone in the midst of the struggle feel bad. But really - she is doing better than I ever could have dreamed possible.

My advice to those in an earlier place in the journey is do your research and give yourself a break. There is a HUGE learning curve - you have to educate yourself on the law, your school district (and other options in your area), best practices, what does and doesn't work for your particular child and so much more. This takes time so stop, breathe and don't rush the process. Seek out other parents on a similar journey here or in real life. Even if something doesn't apply to you right now listen and absorb it - this information may lead to something useful down the road. (As the parent of a complex 2e kid with 11 different diagnoses I never knew what would be coming at us next...) Stay open minded. Allow well intentioned folks in even if you at first doubt their sincerity. (We now have a fairly long list of "knights in shining armour" who have been committed to DD and her success.) Be willing to think outside the box and try things other parents you trust have found to be helpful. (I ruled out vision therapy because our local practioner had poor results with everyone I knew who tried it. After reading about really good results here I researched and found a very good one about a half hour away. It was life changing for DD.) Be willing to share your insights and help other parents following behind you on a similar journey.

Most importantly know you are not alone even when it feels that way. DD has a
unique program getting both the help and the advanced work she needs. She is happy, healthy and as eager to stretch her intellectual muscles as ever. She was 6 and just coming out of kindergarten when I joined this board. She had just been diagnosed with every possible LD, had off the charts anxiety, was starting to develop migraines and was so smart she HAD to be lazy, refusing to do her work or trying to manipulate everyone because people couldn't believe it was possible for all her challenges to be real. She will turn 14 next month and have a mid-year exceleration to 9th grade in January so she can start banking high school credits since she is taking HS classes anyway. Her LD issues no longer dictate her schooling but they remain an issue to work around. But that's ok. She accepts them as part of who she is and understands what she has to do to work around them.

So thanks again Sue for the thread. And best wishes to all with little ones at an earlier stage of the journey.

Thank you so much for this!